Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

[Bessap]

Single parent to ds 3. Sees his dad a couple of times over most weekends but never overnight. Ex’s choice. He pays me a decent amount more than cms and seems to think that means it’s ok. I’ve explained it’s not but there will be no change there.

I work full time in a demanding career, I have some financial perks to this which is why I’ve stuck with it. I have lots of flexibility which frankly if I didn’t have I would be jobless as I actually couldn’t cope.

DS was a chilled baby. Ex did nothing since day one and I found it all relatively easy.

Since he turned 3 everything is just shit. I can’t even list it all here and I’m exhausted too so this or any doesn’t make sense. At least five of these things will happen every day… He won’t get dressed, won’t get undressed, won’t have the car seat straps on, won’t like the food I’ve got, hits me if he’s angry, screaming if he wants something or doesn’t get something immediately, shouting I’ve hurt him when I’m literally just lifting him into the car when he doesn’t want to get in. taking socks and shoes off on way to nursery, not wanting to go into nursery sometimes so there’s a huge drama at the car… the list is honestly endless.

i am sure it’s all just normal toddler stuff and I’m about two days to my period so I’m probably feeling shit anyway… but honestly what the fuck are you supposed to do in these situations? Yesterday from the moment I got him up to when I put him to bed it was endless misery. I was relieved to be at work before the moaning and misery started again.

I hate it so much. I’ve tried making things into games or negotiating, I even cried in front of him yesterday which did actually make him stop screaming at me but obviously I don’t want him seeing me crying.

I try so hard, but I am starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I do try. I am always thinking of nice places to take him, meeting other mum friends so he can play with other children, I always ensure he says please and thank you and I try to teach him to be kind to others. I feel like I give him lots of choices and he does watch tv but limited. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where the fuck I have gone wrong but things have really descended into shit since he turned 3. When he’s angry he also looks at me like he hates me. I tell him I love him all the time and talk about things he will enjoy doing. Every moment of my days off is spent with him doing things for him. It is all just stress though. My nervous system is shot to pieces, when I get into bed I can barely wind down until maybe an hour or so later.

I am so unhappy.

Do you ever get much time together just you and him in the house or doing something he would like? It sounds like you are very busy in the week and he’s either at nursery or with grandparents. Then weekends he’s with his dad, out with your mum friends or out shopping. He probably needs some dedicated down time with just you each week.

It’s so hard being the sole enforcer of boundaries and not being able to share the load with a second parent in the morning / at night. I admire you so much for doing this solo and it shines through that you are a great mum trying to do your best.

Everything you’re saying your toddler does is absolutely developmentally normal, he is just learning his autonomy in the world and having choices. Not that that makes it any easier to hear but my 3 year old does all the same things. If I’ve been alone with him for a day or two, I can be absolutely ready to thrown the towel in. It makes such a difference when you get some time to yourself to regroup, and I’m sorry his dad isn’t stepping up more to do that.

If you have some free time to read a book / listen to an audio, I really recommend ‘how to talk so little kids listen’. The pre chapter is a bit twee and some of their examples (two American authors), however there are lots of great strategies around how to use play etc to get actions done with your child; and phrases to use etc. It also helps you see it from their little self perspective too at times, which can help when you are feeling futile and angry that they aren’t listening. It’s definitely gave me some extra tools in my toolkit for parenting under pressure.

I had 4 kids as a single parent,all from birth or nursery age, I say this so you can appreciate I have been there.
IMO what works best is to take your own emotion out of it. A 3 year old is not trying to be an enemy he is being a 3 year old.
So he doesn't want the food offered, don't take offence, take it away. He takes his shoes and socks off, leave them off, into nursery without them(put them in his bag). Take nothing personally, he hits you ,put him firmly away from you ,say we don't hit, go wash up.
He is pushing boundaries, when he does comply make a big thing of it.
Think of it like a nursery nurse would, it's a job, eventually these problems will move on to other problems!
Good luck, your doing a great job, always remember that.💕

My eldest was so so difficult at 3. Wild with horrendous tantrums. I had to pick him up and carry him home under my arm screaming sometimes as he wouldn’t move/get in pushchair. Getting up and walking off while nappy changing and getting poo everywhere. It was awful 🤣

Just hang in there- he’s now an extremely chill 11 year old, clever and geeky and outgoing.

It will get better. No one said parenting was easy, when you commit to it you take the good, bad, together, unlike marriage you can’t divorce.
Children are emotional sponges and are very good at reading emotions.
You’re feeding the negativity. He doesn’t know the rules, you need to teach him.
These threads are upsetting. Everyone says do your research getting a puppy but think a baby/child/teen will be exactly as they dreamed, when it’s not, adults sweat stress.

I felt the same. This is partly why I have 1 child. It's hard work but it does pass although it feels like it won't. Now at 8 things are a lot better. I started doing more for myself and gave my lazy ex a kick up the arse. Tbh I used to ignore the tantrums. They wore me down.

it does pass but for some it takes shaking up your parenting from what you thought should work to trying something new. I have a highly sensitive deep feeling child who gets overwhelmed so all the ‘do you want blue shoes or red shoes’ just never worked for her. I was also’overpreparing her’ and overloading her brain and the health visitor recommended strategies like ‘now and next’ and also told me to stop trying to ‘logic her out of things’. Also I stopped trying to get places on time and started adding on extra hour for mandatory things like nursery so I wasn’t so stressed. Map out all your pain points and perhaps read ‘the explosive child’ or a similar book as honestly it changed our lives. Trying the same thing over and over just made an idiot out of me thinking one day it would just work.

So sorry - haven’t RTFT but I didn’t want to read and run. I also wanted to suggest the book ‘How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will talk’. It might help with some of the behaviour stuff. I’m an early years teacher and the strategies are like magic. Could help with the getting dressed/ seatbelt/ tantrum moments. Sending strength.

Omg I remember those days. When #2 son was three my mum refused to babysit for him for a couple of months because he was so awful! And my eldest was also just horrible, people talk about terrible twos but 3-4 was the WORST for both of them. For both of the starting school was a real breakthrough because they had so much else going on.

My two also didn't sleep much so I was exhausted and emotionally drained for about three years covering that period for both of them. DH worked abroad and wasn't really connected with them so I felt like I was doing all the parenting with no emotional support. It was a dark time just gritting my teeth and persevering - I don't really know how to do it any better, sorry!

It won't be any consolation for how you feel now but we all got through it and they are both now wonderful young men.

My 2nd was like this. I felt like she wrecked everything- including her older sibling 's life! She clung. She kicked off; she wouldn't sleep; she wanted control.
I thought about leaving so many times. Sometimes had to just get out and walk/ drive, so i wouldn't flip
She calmed down around 6, although could still throw a monumental tantrum. She's a v v easy teenager and doesn't appear to remember the sheer stress of those first 6 years.

You can do all the research. Have a career working with children of all abilities and needs. Treat parenting like an exam.. . and still get one that you didn't prepare for or don't understand. But you'll get there.

@Bessap my best friend said she found these years the hardest (working opposite shifts with then husband) and their child constantly tested boundaries. She also said putting the boundaries in early made things so much easier later on. You will get through it. I also remember my Mum apologising for shouting at me once … I had been really naughty, she didn’t let me off but she did say she shouldn’t have shouted. Keep going. It will get easier as your child will learn how to say what he wants as he gets older, and not get so frustrated, too!

It hasn’t gone wrong, it’s a development phase. Try and think of it like a puzzle and to keep emotion out.
Internal monologue he’s cross now, is that tiredness? Is he right to be cross - like are you frustrating (in his mind) his reasonable activities. Then compromise. Do you need him to go somewhere? Have something hidden (eg favourite car or a sweet) and say he can have this when he is dressed, then celebrate when he is. If he’s hitting you, he needs boundaries, “we don’t hit” and a consequence immediately. If he’s cries do your best to ignore.

He doesn’t hate you.

Both of mine were really hard work at 3 especially our youngest. The constant fight to do anything is relentless and it can make even the most patient person loose their mind. As other people have said here, it will get better. Now it's survival. Making things into games, giving choices, distractions, bribery. Anything that works. For my son, it was when his teddy asked him to put on his shoes, go the toilet that worked. He wouldn't do if for me but he would do it for teddy 😂. A square of chocolate now and again doesn't hurt either. Another year and things will be easier OP.

It will get better. It's a really difficult time as they gain some sense of self. Find a freind to talk to/ Don't beat yourself up it's so hard especially on your own.

You haven’t gone wrong it’s all par for the course with small children but understand that doesn’t make it any easier whilst going through it!
The only advice I have is always pre warn them if things e.g we are getting in the car in five minutes. I found Phillipa Perry's audiobook helpful for giving me a renewal of compassion as the daily grind is so grinding.
Remember you and him are a team, you do really want the same things but there is work and nursery to do.

You're doing a great job with essentially no support, just keep on keeping on and things will get smoother 💐

It’s an awful stage, one thing I notice is that he is doing so much. Perhaps he is just absolutely exhausted. Does he ever have his a full day at home chilling out, playing with his toys having a lazy day? I know that with mine when they get that they surprisingly calm after their morning whizz around and can play draw etc. try having a day where nothing really happens male easy lunch and tea. Also I was surprised my four year old needs to be asleep for 6:30pm and she will sleep right through if not she is an absolute nightmare and won’t sleep properly and next day is ruined. He has long days at nursery then busy weekend, you need to pull that back and just start introducing some quiet days.
this will pass.

3 year old's are little fecker's that you really want to lock in a cupboard. They are awful for their parents and little angels at nursery.
If he takes his shoes off on the way to school ignore him, he will soon learn that his feet will get cold, it hurts if you step on a stone and even better be will know that he isn't winning because you haven't reacted. Wants to go out in his PJs fine, tell him everyone will think he is silly. Don't argue just show him you are not bothered. You really do have to come down on him when he hits you, this can't be allowed to continue. I think it is time for his father to have him at least one night a month so you can have a break.

I'd stop facilitating this ridiculous seeing his dad a couple of times every weekend but never overnight, thing. That's incredibly disruptive for a young child and not in his best interests. Sorry your ex is such a lazy non-dad. Once at the weekend for a more sustained period of time. That also allows you more sustained time without it being so broken up. If ex doesn't like this, he can take you to court for a proper arrangement that is actually in your child's interests.

Oh OP, try not to beat yourself, and please try to take some comfort in everyone’s reassurances. I know when you’re in the midst of these trying phases, it feels like it’s deeply personal and also like it’s never going to end. It feels tough because it is tough, but that’s no reflection on you or your parenting skills, it’s just your DS learning he has his own mind and can say no to things.

I really remember having a conversation about something like this with my Dad when my kids were little, and he pointed out that kids live in the moment. Your DD doesn’t think you’re a terrible parent annyway and he definitely won’t remember this at all as he gets older anyway.

In the short-term, is there anyone who can give you a bit of respite? Not taking him off your hands so that you can work, and not a few hours here and then when it suits them, but a day or two off because 3 year olds are intense and you need to keep your batteries topped up to be the best version of you? It sounds like you’d feel a whole lot better if you could get this kind of support occasionally - even if it’s a childminder/nanny who helps out

You sound like a lovely mum OP! I have so much respect for you and all single mums 🙌 it must be so so difficult to crack on without a break or being able to share the parenting responsibilities. I'm taking my hat off to you!

I have found choices really help my (nearly 3) DD accept that something has to happen, it makes her feel she has autonomy over the situation. So I won't tell her she has to put a coat on, I will say which coat are we putting on now, the yellow one or the blue one? Are you going to eat your tea with your spoon or your fork or both? Do you want me to help you brush your teeth slowly or really quick brushing? It doesn't work every time but it has definitely helped me!

I also lost my head with battles to get into the car seat/straps and have resorted to cracker bribes. Probably not the best parenting but my back was so sore and I could feel myself losing my temper about it, especially when we're in a rush. I keep a little tub of mini crackers in the footwell and if she gets in nicely she gets one. If she dicks about then no cracker which after a couple of screaming tantrums doesn't really happen anymore.

I also just wanted to say that he doesn't hate you and will grow up to see everything you have done for him, you will be his hero ❤

I don’t understand comments like these on MN. People need to work in order to have a home, food, pay bills + eveeything else. Work is not optional. Especially as a single parent. How do you expect the OP to put a roof on her son’s head?

I'd recommend reading Hunt, Gather, Parent by Dr Michaeleen Doucleff. It gives lots of good strategies that I honestly haven't seen in other parenting books.

My horrible 2 year old is now the kindest 9 year old, it gets better x

That sounds really tough OP and its shit you don't get a break.

It does get a bit easier as they get older and more understanding.

Agree with PP,

• pick your battles and ignore the small stuff like taking stuff off in the car
• take snacks/ a distraction for when you know he is more likely to kick off
• talk about expectations beforehand, that you'd like him to get in the car without arguing and how proud you'll be of him if he can do that
• give choices, what music would you like to play in the car etc so he feels a bit more in control
• make things into a game if you can, you're both going to try and get dressed and the one to get dressed first 'wins'
• say no in a positive way, like he wants to play with lego not go to nursery don't say 'no' say great idea, you can play after nursery, shall you leave it out so he can get to it as soon as he gets back in

Ultimately though I know that doing all this is really really hard when you're at the end of your tether. Is it worth looking at a babysitter? Maybe one of the people at nursery? As if you're working and caring for him it sounds like you rarely get chance to just chill

I do think the difference between 3 and 4-5 is huge though. I remember going away with my 4.5 year old on holiday and coming back thinking that was the first holiday that we'd all actually enjoyed that didn't just feel like a lot of work