Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

[Bessap]

Single parent to ds 3. Sees his dad a couple of times over most weekends but never overnight. Ex’s choice. He pays me a decent amount more than cms and seems to think that means it’s ok. I’ve explained it’s not but there will be no change there.

I work full time in a demanding career, I have some financial perks to this which is why I’ve stuck with it. I have lots of flexibility which frankly if I didn’t have I would be jobless as I actually couldn’t cope.

DS was a chilled baby. Ex did nothing since day one and I found it all relatively easy.

Since he turned 3 everything is just shit. I can’t even list it all here and I’m exhausted too so this or any doesn’t make sense. At least five of these things will happen every day… He won’t get dressed, won’t get undressed, won’t have the car seat straps on, won’t like the food I’ve got, hits me if he’s angry, screaming if he wants something or doesn’t get something immediately, shouting I’ve hurt him when I’m literally just lifting him into the car when he doesn’t want to get in. taking socks and shoes off on way to nursery, not wanting to go into nursery sometimes so there’s a huge drama at the car… the list is honestly endless.

i am sure it’s all just normal toddler stuff and I’m about two days to my period so I’m probably feeling shit anyway… but honestly what the fuck are you supposed to do in these situations? Yesterday from the moment I got him up to when I put him to bed it was endless misery. I was relieved to be at work before the moaning and misery started again.

I hate it so much. I’ve tried making things into games or negotiating, I even cried in front of him yesterday which did actually make him stop screaming at me but obviously I don’t want him seeing me crying.

I try so hard, but I am starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I do try. I am always thinking of nice places to take him, meeting other mum friends so he can play with other children, I always ensure he says please and thank you and I try to teach him to be kind to others. I feel like I give him lots of choices and he does watch tv but limited. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where the fuck I have gone wrong but things have really descended into shit since he turned 3. When he’s angry he also looks at me like he hates me. I tell him I love him all the time and talk about things he will enjoy doing. Every moment of my days off is spent with him doing things for him. It is all just stress though. My nervous system is shot to pieces, when I get into bed I can barely wind down until maybe an hour or so later.

I am so unhappy.

Children act out the most with the person they feel safest and most comfortable with. He doesn't hate you, you're his whole world, he's just 3 and that means huge emotional volatility.

It's obvious how much you deeply care and love him from your post. You're not doing anything wrong, all parents of 3-yo feel like you do sometimes- I have a 3yo too and she does all that stuff too. It's wildly infuriating, more so when you're stressed out and overwhelmed.

I often find toddlers are a problem when you're needing them to fit with a shedule. What helps us is reserving a day where my objective is just to play with my toddler and enjoy it. To hell with balanced meals and sticking to schedules, just take the pressure off you both for the day. It'll help you reset.

Parenting is so hard because trying harder at it is not directly correlated to it getting better with a better outcome. Often trying harder just makes you feel more worked up about it not working.

You and your son sound stressed out and overwhelmed from trying to fit into the requirements of your life. Try some more time where it doesn't matter if he takes all his clothes off and won't get in the car seat. Might change the dynamic a bit. But if not, remember that he's like this with you because you're his safe place to act out, not because he hates you.

I’m in this with you.
you couldn’t have wrote it better.

single mum to ds 3, my son is a nightmare. Sometimes I have nothing left to give himZ

ive resulted to naughty chair. Mine has a speech delay so can’t say what he wants.

its so hard, I do often think what have I done.
but I love him so much.

I was thinking the same thing.

hes communicating he’s unhappy and perhaps he misses you. playing up means he gets more attention or it’s an outlet for his big feelings.

i have the book No Such Thing As Naughty. Says they need 1:1 play to feel their cup is full

Oh OP I absolutely felt like this - I’m a single mum and ex husband left barely to be seen again when twins were babies and a slightly older child. He also has never and likely will never have overnights. My boy twin sounds exactly like your son - he made life so miserable at age 3 I didn’t think I’d ever actually enjoy being his mum, he drove me to tears on several occasions. I can tell you things definitely improved when he started pre school - he still spirited and defiant but there’s more understanding on his part now - the big emotions that he didn’t know how to deal with at age 3 are more settled and I love being his mummy now (and I couldn’t say that 2 years ago) x

My 3 year old is the exact same! I had it with my middle daughter too at that age, she’s almost 5 and she’s an absolute delight now.

One thing that really helped with me was constant over the top praise. So any little think would be ‘ohhhh good listening you did so well’ ‘you calmed down and listened to mammy you’re such a good girl’ ‘you put a sock on what a big girl’
honestly the endless praise was fucking exhausting especially when they’ve been horrific and you just want to scream, but sometimes I could even catch her before an epic meltdown started by reminding her of something positive and then praising her for it.

I promise he doesn’t hate you, they don’t even have the capacity to understand that emotion at that age. It’s because you’re his safe place ❤️

Oh wow we are all in the same voat
i feel less alone!

the tantrums really wipe you out . Sometimes I’m stunned with exhaustion!

Do you recommend any specific ones?

Does he have sensory sensitivities? It’s sounds like physical pressure such as clothing, seat belts and being lifted could be physically aggravating to him, also being picky over food could be because the textures and tastes are difficult.

…is the most unhelpful response on threads like this. Just lip service.

OP I would stop with ‘choices’. They just lead to frustration in toddlers.

OP I found toddlerhood to be the toughest period of all. The newborn hell was a bliss compared to the toddler years. No logic, no reasoning, no chilled times, endless screaming and frustrations on both sides. I had the same fears as you. Trust me, it will pass, it’s just something you need to get through and things will get better. You just need to ride out the storm. I’m not sure I have any advice for you other than try not to shout at him and keep yourself as calm as possible. Lay off the punishments, your toddler is finding it hard to communicate right now and this is his way of asking for attention and reassurance. My toddler turned out to be autistic. For ages I was wondering if I did something to break him. Perhaps keep an eye out for any SEN issues (not saying he has any) and speak with the nursery in case they see anything unusual. It’s quite difficult at that age to differentiate normal toddler behaviour to SEN issues. Even if he doesn’t have any it sometimes helps to read about it to understand where the behaviour comes from and why he acts like he does. Sensory issues can really frustrate toddlers. I would recommend you look into it. Normal parenting techniques, not giving choices and making punishing don’t always work. Trust your instincts and let go of the “shoulds.”

If it helps, my son is now a super cool, very quirky and funny teen. Very smart and very loving. We have the best relationship and honestly I never thought things will become so easy for the two of us.

Keep your head up, it will get better!

Get gp to rule out something like a low level ear infection that might be bothering him. He might be able to kind of ignore it when he's doing something fun.

I disagree with this, in my experience they don’t want to get dressed at all…
I hold up two tops and say which one would you like, suddenly after kicking off screaming they’re not getting dressed, they’ll put on the one that they’ve chosen because they think that they made the choice. Repeat for trousers socks etc.

yes it’s exhausting, but it lets them think they’re in control. And also lots of over the top praise as I explained in my previous post (sometimes behind gritted teeth)

Toddlers are BRUTAL I’ve raised 3 on my own 😴😴

My daughter turned 3 in Nov and the tantrums and demanding bahavior has got worse (she was already very stubborn!). She has also recently dropped her nap, so that really doesnt help with emotional regulation.
Could he need a bit more 1-1 quiet time? Being in nursery full time 5 days is a lot. Do you, or dad have any annual leave you could take over the next month so he just does 4 days or a couple of half days.

My toddler loves to be involved in everything, I get her 'helping' with dishes, putting cutlery on the table. Fiercely independent. She does push back with getting dressed which is often non negotiable as most of the time we are heading out the door. Reading books often helps to bring the rahe down.

Good luck, you sound like a very cating mum xx

I agree with you about choices. So important to give them choices so they can feel a bit more in control. It worked wonders for us.

He doesn’t hate you.

When are these things happening? Is it worse when under time pressure? Some of it sounds like it could be a mild demand avoidance - usually pattern there is anxiety goes up, so the demand ‘get in the car, get ready for nursery, get socks on’ etc because too much and you get the fight’. If it is that the best response is to reduce the immediate demand. And first you have to spot them. On the wrong day a choice can be a demand. However…. Reducing demands is not always possible if you have to get to work and nursery etc by a certain time…..

Have a look at the other situations - so if it’s always in response to a demand, then drop any demand you can. When you can’t you could try making it more predictable so for example you could try write down a list giving all the steps - eg socks on, shoes on, on the car Get him to tick off the list as you go then sticker or some other reward (sing, high five etc) , etc at the end. (so once in the car). This is not rewarding bad behaviour - it’s supporting anxiety. And if it works - hey it’s better than a fight that leaves everyone exhausted.

If you want a list of pictures/symbols for routines you regularly get stuck with - with a box to tick next to each picture message me on here - will take me literally 2 mins to make you something and send it to you, it’s not a problem at all and I would be happy to do it.

Ofher things that can help can be to spot transitions - eg from activity to activity or car to house is etc and give him something to carry across the transition. We used to give my eldest son a small pot of grated cheese from eg house to car and once in the car he would eat it. Really helped transitions. But even just carrying a toy can help.

My youngest was very very shouty and screamy when anxious at home (at school/nursery the opposite- , too quiet) and I found with him telling him in advance what I expected was helpful and he would manage a situation. Once he’s lost the plot it was too late and I just had to carry him out. But 3 prob a bit young for that.

I didn’t spot my youngest son’s anxiety initially. I thought he was just a badly behaved nightmare, but once I understood what was happening and changed little things he did calm a lot. He just needed to know what was going on and have plenty of warning. He’s an adult now, sensible, responsible, independent, very caring. Tortured at family gatherings about his behaviour as a child!

Do drop me a message if you want me to create some tick sheets etc to try. Good luck, abs ge really doesn’t hate you.

I wasn't well for 2 months just as this stage hit and it was a nightmare. I found teaching him how to do stuff himself limited his frustrations and then bribes (biscuits, holding something he wouldn't normally be allowed to, extra tv) distracted him to allow me to do the other things. It does pass but be kind to yourself to help you get through it.

I’m afraid to admit i used to put on classical music very loudly, at home & in car. I found it helped me to ignore & just get on & focus on necessary things.
My offspring are all over 30 now, there seems to be no lasting effects or even memories!

DD was a dickhead when she turned three, she was a tricky baby and then it just got worse and worse. She went to nursery in pants and vest more times than I care to remember because I just couldn't get her dressed. DS who was always chilled out was fine until he hit the fucking fours which was worse than being a threenager because he was too heavy for me to pick up all the time. He'd be walking round to nursery screaming at me, DH actually got stopped by a woman because DS was shouting for "mummy" so loudly that I think she thought he was being kidnapped. We did choices, picture cards, schedules, sticker charts - sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. They had and still have a stable home life, it was just a phase. It was shit, but it was just a phase.

I'm a big fan of going out but some times they do need a bit of quiet time and reconnecting time - could you do a couple of valentine crafts this morning? (Literally just draw some hearts and colour them in or stick things to them) Or have a good play with his favourite toys? Have a kitchen disco?

Both of mine had a personality transplant within about two weeks of starting school and they are fantastic now. You are doing a great job.

I expect that things will get better when your DS goes to school. I think English nurseries can be a bit too soft and baby ish for some children by the age of three who actually want to step up to a more structured day.

It’s a hard age. Have you tried simple sticker chart working towards a treat that they have picked themselves? Then try to focus on the good and every time they do the behaviour you want eg get dressed, get in the car, etc loads of praise and a sticker, don’t focus on the times they don’t do the behaviour you want just the good behaviours. So they are getting lots of attention for anything good they do. It’s a bit draining but often helps a lot.
The other idea is to read honey I wrecked the kids which has lots of ideas and parents often like the tone of it.

These days are relentless. They still can not dress themselves and need so much support, but they are active and getting stronger.
I found the book 123 Magic helped with my first a lot.
See if there are parenting classes at yourlocal childrens centre, they also are good and supportive even though you are a good mum it helps to have some other perspective and support.
See if work will grant you some parenting leave if you can afford to take a bit of extra time off then this is what the leave is for.
Take some holiday for yourself while he is at nursery too, to reset, book a spa day for yourself or do somrthing you enjoy. You need to rest yourself as youbare exhausted and you need to also support yourself to be rested to deal with everything.
And if you can afford it book a break for you both. Find somewhere elwith a creche as well as it will make tbe holiday more enjoyable and managable but some time to reset for you both without the relenltlessness of daily life does really help.
Also potentially switching to a childminder might help rather than nursery. It may be a calmer more homely environment that he craves. Or even mixing nursery with a childminder a few days.
One day this will paas and he will be able to dress himself and it will be easier.

It is so hard and you sound so worn out just now. Please try to ignore posters suggesting you’re doing anything wrong. What you’re describing is close attachment- he feels safe and loved with you so you get the brunt of his emotions. It’s so hard. Try to remember the C approach- calm, confident, compassionate are the main 3. It includes consequences too (for things like hitting). Remember you are the parent and what you say is what will happen. Mostly he will learn from what you model, so if you model these things he will grow up to be them!

Im not saying give them no choices, but endless choices over everything they do just leads to frustration. I’ll ask my 2 year old if he wants a banana with his lunch, but I won’t consult him on what to wear that day. He would just select pyjamas then get angry he couldn’t go out in them.

I don’t normally say this, but you do sound like a really good Mum.

You see how your nervous system is overwhelmed? Well thats how he is feeling too. He’s three. He’s starting to understand himself as an independent person and is frustrated by all his limitations and the rules in his life. And his emotions overwhelm him too.

You have to work and don’t have time for the endless conversations and tricks and negotiating, which are quite likely not to work anyway.

Only make a battle of the things you need too. Let him not get dressed/ take off shoes/ not wear a coat.

Mine would absolutely freeze without a coat, go blue and shiver. He still refused to wear one. In the end I just let him get cold. He’s still alive.

Despite all the parenting books I read, bribery and threats ended up as the main part of my parenting strategy. They work. Tips in parenting books required vast amount of time talking. I didn’t have time for that.

This is a phase. He will pass through it. He does love you.

Do make sure you don’t hold onto anger and do show him lots of love. When he behaves well tell him how much you have enjoyed being with him.

I finally realized that a lot of my dc's twattery at 3 was hunger related. Yes he'd just eaten breakfast but 30 mins later he actually needed a handful of nuts or something