Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

[Bessap]

Single parent to ds 3. Sees his dad a couple of times over most weekends but never overnight. Ex’s choice. He pays me a decent amount more than cms and seems to think that means it’s ok. I’ve explained it’s not but there will be no change there.

I work full time in a demanding career, I have some financial perks to this which is why I’ve stuck with it. I have lots of flexibility which frankly if I didn’t have I would be jobless as I actually couldn’t cope.

DS was a chilled baby. Ex did nothing since day one and I found it all relatively easy.

Since he turned 3 everything is just shit. I can’t even list it all here and I’m exhausted too so this or any doesn’t make sense. At least five of these things will happen every day… He won’t get dressed, won’t get undressed, won’t have the car seat straps on, won’t like the food I’ve got, hits me if he’s angry, screaming if he wants something or doesn’t get something immediately, shouting I’ve hurt him when I’m literally just lifting him into the car when he doesn’t want to get in. taking socks and shoes off on way to nursery, not wanting to go into nursery sometimes so there’s a huge drama at the car… the list is honestly endless.

i am sure it’s all just normal toddler stuff and I’m about two days to my period so I’m probably feeling shit anyway… but honestly what the fuck are you supposed to do in these situations? Yesterday from the moment I got him up to when I put him to bed it was endless misery. I was relieved to be at work before the moaning and misery started again.

I hate it so much. I’ve tried making things into games or negotiating, I even cried in front of him yesterday which did actually make him stop screaming at me but obviously I don’t want him seeing me crying.

I try so hard, but I am starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I do try. I am always thinking of nice places to take him, meeting other mum friends so he can play with other children, I always ensure he says please and thank you and I try to teach him to be kind to others. I feel like I give him lots of choices and he does watch tv but limited. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where the fuck I have gone wrong but things have really descended into shit since he turned 3. When he’s angry he also looks at me like he hates me. I tell him I love him all the time and talk about things he will enjoy doing. Every moment of my days off is spent with him doing things for him. It is all just stress though. My nervous system is shot to pieces, when I get into bed I can barely wind down until maybe an hour or so later.

I am so unhappy.

I have an almost 3 year old who is verrrry demanding. I think it comes with the territory! My approach is “is it dangerous or inconvenient”, I don’t waste time with pointless battles - if she wants to wear wellies to nursery in a heatwave, fine. I’ll pack her trainers for later. If she wants to run in traffic, not fine etc.

Problem is, you can’t really give into tantrums so nothing worse than saying no to something, them kicking off and then you realising it actually didn’t matter that much, but it’s too late to give in. Basically - pick your battles.

i have a 5 year old too and it does get easier!

Oh goodness x you poor thing

All I can say is 3 year olds are bloody hard work. They aren’t 3 forever. Not to minimise how shite it is, but it passes. My kids are grown up now, but I bloody hated parenting small kids. How anyone ever enjoyed it or found it “fulfilling” was beyond me.

I have a 3.5 year old, he is way harder at 3 than he was at 2! They test boundaries constantly and you need to enforce then.

I find a routine works well so they no what to expect and get less push back, I'm also a fan of putting the tv on for 15 minutes when the morning isn't going to plan though just for a distraction and easiness! I find you need consequences for actions too or they have no incentive to do what they're told, think of some (e.g. if you don't get dressed for nursery then there'll be no chocolate/tablet/tv tomorrow. If they still don't do it then follow through and remind them why. Each time it's one step closer to them doing what they're told). Options are good too but not too many (e.g. shall we walk into nursery or run? Not going in isn't an option so they comply easier). The hitting needs a consequences too (do not hit me, if you do that again I'm not going to sit with you/moving to a different seat/going in that room, then do it).

Hope that gives you some things to try :)

I have a lot and I browse the topics and listen to what I find interesting, but here are some to browse:
Raising Good Humans/Dr Aliza
The Peaceful Parenting Podcast/Sarah Rosensweet
Good Inside/Dr Becky
Calm Parenting Podcast/Kirk Martin
Toddlers Made Easy/Dr Cathryn
The PedsDocTalk/Dr Mona Amin

This is great advice.

It sounds like he's rebelling against the pace of life.

Lots of the things in your OP are about transitions and it sounds like you could be rushing?

Can you slow down, do less, for a bit. You don't need to take him out or entertain him with activities. Just chill at home together, follow his lead in play.

You are entitled to something like 4 weeks parental leave. Usually taken in week blocks but you can ask for them to be taken in smaller chunks. Perhaps you could take e.g. 2 days off per week for a month. One day for you to relax with him in nursery, and one day for you to spend together.

I wish I had received and followed this advice instead of getting stressed and angry at getting everywhere on time and hitting burnout.

OP, this is normal behaviour and you are doing all the hard work of parenting.
Cut yourself some slack and don't over analyse things.
Parenting is very hard and more so when you are doing it alone. He is loved and cared for.
Take care OP

My eldest was like this and it felt really hard at the time, but now I'm going through the same phase with #2 I'm a lot more chilled. I usually just sympathise with the feeling but calmly assert that whatever I've said is going to happen is happening, then let him have a meltdown about it, taking however long it takes, offer a cuddle and then move on. No shouting, no punishments or consequences. Just letting them have their moment of rage while you stay calm really seems to move them through it much faster. They play up when you're stressed because it's unsettling for them to feel you getting angry or stressed, if you can actually maintain your calm (not just pretend while inwardly seething!) they don't act out as much ime.

Also remind yourself how tiny he is, I think I frequently forgot that with #1 because he was so clever and advanced in many ways, but emotionally still a baby with no impulse control, no empathy, no ability to reason. The change between 3 and 4/5 in that regard is incredible.

I have 3 children 4, 6 and 4 months . 3 is absolutely the hardest age for me so far! My lovely 6 year old son was horrible when he was 3 I honestly feel like it ruined our bond for a bit but by 4 things had turned around. Same with my now 4 year old daughter. And I’m not a single mum so I imagine it must be even harder for you! You’re doing great and it really doesn’t last forever . Promise

You aren't doing anything wrong. Three year olds can be real pains at times.

I also have a 3 year old who is going through a phase at the moment and it’s a nightmare! But it is a phase and it does get better, I have another slightly older child and we are pretty much through it with them now. With my 3 year old I have found doing a little game with him to get him to do stuff is helping, when he won’t get dressed, say to him “whoever gets dressed first is the winner” and race him, same with getting ready for bed. You are his safe space and person so he will save any tantrums etc up for you after a long day at nursery,
it’s hard, but I’ve come to accept that as it happened with my other child. When he is having a hard time, offer a cuddle and tell him you love him. You are doing an amazing job, even more so as a single mum.

Sometimes you just have to make them do things, for your own sanity. Do not negotiate with terrorists.

All choices are closed ones. It's not What do you want to wear? It's Do you want to wear the blue top or the green top? If he asks for something else, fine. You want the red top? Great choice! But if he won't choose, you choose and just wrestle him into it.

Taking his shoes off is a non issue. Chuck them in your bag, scoop him up under your arm and cart him in like an angry rugby ball.

Car seat straps are non negotiable. Force him in by tickling his belly to make him bend. Use a plastic lock cover if he knows how to undo them.

Hitting, I'd do exactly as you are, really loudly tell him off.