Despise parenting my 3 year old, I hate my life

[Bessap]

Single parent to ds 3. Sees his dad a couple of times over most weekends but never overnight. Ex’s choice. He pays me a decent amount more than cms and seems to think that means it’s ok. I’ve explained it’s not but there will be no change there.

I work full time in a demanding career, I have some financial perks to this which is why I’ve stuck with it. I have lots of flexibility which frankly if I didn’t have I would be jobless as I actually couldn’t cope.

DS was a chilled baby. Ex did nothing since day one and I found it all relatively easy.

Since he turned 3 everything is just shit. I can’t even list it all here and I’m exhausted too so this or any doesn’t make sense. At least five of these things will happen every day… He won’t get dressed, won’t get undressed, won’t have the car seat straps on, won’t like the food I’ve got, hits me if he’s angry, screaming if he wants something or doesn’t get something immediately, shouting I’ve hurt him when I’m literally just lifting him into the car when he doesn’t want to get in. taking socks and shoes off on way to nursery, not wanting to go into nursery sometimes so there’s a huge drama at the car… the list is honestly endless.

i am sure it’s all just normal toddler stuff and I’m about two days to my period so I’m probably feeling shit anyway… but honestly what the fuck are you supposed to do in these situations? Yesterday from the moment I got him up to when I put him to bed it was endless misery. I was relieved to be at work before the moaning and misery started again.

I hate it so much. I’ve tried making things into games or negotiating, I even cried in front of him yesterday which did actually make him stop screaming at me but obviously I don’t want him seeing me crying.

I try so hard, but I am starting to think I’ve gone wrong somewhere. I do try. I am always thinking of nice places to take him, meeting other mum friends so he can play with other children, I always ensure he says please and thank you and I try to teach him to be kind to others. I feel like I give him lots of choices and he does watch tv but limited. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know where the fuck I have gone wrong but things have really descended into shit since he turned 3. When he’s angry he also looks at me like he hates me. I tell him I love him all the time and talk about things he will enjoy doing. Every moment of my days off is spent with him doing things for him. It is all just stress though. My nervous system is shot to pieces, when I get into bed I can barely wind down until maybe an hour or so later.

I am so unhappy.

No advice but solidarity. My dd is three in a few weeks and she is such hard work. I love her to pieces but she wakes me up all night to cuddle even though im trying to feed baby ds and screams the house down. She screams and tantrums multiple times a day over every little thing from me blinking too loudly to i turned a light on without psychically realising shw wanted to turn the light on. Its relentless and exhausting and i often find myself regretting becoming a mother.

3 is a tough age, they're really hard work but like others have said it WILL get better

Ah the terrible 3s. Just as bad as the terrible 2s except they’re bigger and stronger and more able to fight you. I do feel for you OP. You sound like an amazing mum, remember you’re doing this on your own and you’re doing your absolute best for him.

He doesn’t hate you, he’s just lashing out because you’re the one closest to him. He knows he can’t behave like this at nursery. He’s struggling to communicate because he’s only 3 and he’s frustrated. It seems bad but honestly it will pass. And because he’s only 3 he won’t remember it, so don’t worry about having destroyed your relationship.

At that age I devised for myself 3 Bs of parenting - bribery, blackmail and bargaining. I found bribery to be the best as it was more positive and rewarded good behaviour, but the other 2 got deployed if bribery failed. And when he’s calm talk to him about his behaviour, praise him, and tell him how much nicer things are when you’re both nice to each other.

Hang on in there OP. Remember none of these stages last forever.

It’s horrific. I remember meeting a woman with a load of children at the shopping centre and I asked was she mental. I only had one little child and my hair was falling out, really falling out with stress and exhaustion. I felt like I was dying.

You will get through this. Do whatever you need to do to make your life a bit nicer for you during this difficult time. You will find a way x

This stage is really hard.
I have a daughter the same age and an 11 month old!
I think if you can possibly try to carve out as much time for you as feasible and be intentional about it, that certainly helps.
You’re giving yourself a hard time; it might not be perfect but you really care.
solidarity - it will pass 🌺

Coming from the most non confrontational and people pleasing person ever, I also have a 3 1/2 year old and I have learned to stand my ground, its shit, its hard.

I have the the whole "you put my shoes on for me , you put my coat on for me"

My response is if you dont put them on I'll take you to nursery barefoot!

If he doesn't like his food then tough, its what you've got, ive not made a vindaloo or liver so suck it up buttercup!

They go on about terrible twos, to me that was fine but as soon as dc was nearly 3 the tantrums and crazy behaviour stage started. But that’s what it is, a stage, and does get better, just got to unfortunately weather the storm op. At the end of nursery and beginning of primary my dc had definitely matured and their behaviour was a lot calmer! It will pass

I can just remember how tired they get at that age. It's when the naps stop. Is he in nursery long hours? That means the nursery are getting the good bits and you may be getting a lot of tired.
Tired behaviour doesn't mean he's bad.It's literal exhaustion in which he can't employ any of the new skills he's learned, wants to.please but can't, and is unable to hear reason. They need comfort and to get to bed earlier rather than later when they are too tired to settle. I can remember reminding myself- don't argue with a toddler they aren't logical. I stopped trying to do any kind of 'sanctions' when I realised he was tired. There was no point, he couldn't respond.
A child can be developing a special need might not be anything but bear it in mind. It will cause more tiredness.
Don't worry what other people think in any situation. . Do what's right for him. You will get there.

Try not to take it to heart, threenagers are dicks.
My three yo is such hard work. Whining, refusing to do the simplest task, meltdowns, hitting, biting. I've taken him to softplay / school run in pyjamas before now as the battle to dress him was lost and I needed to get out of the house for my own sanity.
I remember it with my oldest, he's 6 now, sweet, kind and doing well at school. At 3 he turned into a monster which I was gutted about as I wanted to make the most of our time together before school. Current 3yo is busy sabotaging our last months before he starts school in September 🤣. Its a tough phase but it does pass. Its exhausting with a husband to help so I can't imagine how you do it on your own. Can you take some annual leave, keep him in nursery and just take some time to yourself to relax / sleep / reset? Or can useless ex take his time in one block over the weekend to allow you a block of time to do something, it must be a nightmare juggling around short sporadic visits.
For all the posters blaming your home situation, I'm married to my kids dad who lives at home with us, and I work part time.

I feel like I could have written this myself! Ds was the cutest until about 3.5 years and then WOW it’s been such hard work. I do think it’s very normal but it is so so hard in the moment. Lots of my friends have said the 3s/4s are much worse than ‘terrible twos’.
My ds is now 4 and is slowly starting to re merge to his old self.

Sending solidarity. I would just say it’s not you, as think it’s just a very hard stage and some kids are just particularly hard work/strong willed etc. xx

Edited to say i’m married and dh great and very hands on so no I don’t think it’s you home situation in particular!

Nobody has mentioned endless choices? Billy, do you want to wear the green or the red shirt today? Why is an unacceptable option like pyjamas available to him? He should be offered choices that make sense to the parent too.

I think it’s fair to say that not everything works for every child. Some kids (for various reasons) need to feel like they have some control over their life. It works for them and works for the parent. If it doesn’t for your child then that’s fine. Kids should learn to make choices from an early age and usually offering a couple of different options helps them to feel consulted and their opinions valued. It’s worked wonders for both of my kids (one autistic, one neurotypical). But if it doesn’t for you then don’t do it.

It Is a good strategy and can work but it doesn’t work for every child.

A few suggestions! Be consistent. Don’t insist on something one day then let it slide the next. If you ask him to do something you are inviting him to say no. So if it is putting his coat on, just do it! If he takes his shoes and socks off in the car, reduce the stress, don’t put them on until you arrive at your destination! Don’t give too many choices. A maximum of two, because he is not developmentally able to cope with more. And the most important thing is at the end of the day when you put him to bed, praise him for something that he knows means a lot to you. You may need to be a little liberal with the truth here! Ie “I was so happy today when you put your coat on straight away when I asked you “ If he says ‘no I didn’t!’ Say “Oh, didn’t you? That must have been yesterday! Silly Mummy! Well whenever it was, I was very happy with you, you were such a good boy’.
Children thrive on praise.
You could also do it in the form of a bedtime story. Ie Once upon a time there was a boy called (his name) and he lived in a house with his mummy. When he was a very little boy he sometimes would be a little bit naughty and he would take his shoes off in the car. His mummy would get cross with him but she understood that he was very little so he didn’t really understand. Then do you know what happened? One day he woke up and he was feeling like a very big boy and when he got in the car he decided he would leave his shoes on. When the car stopped his mummy was so surprised and happy! She phoned his daddy and his nanny and granddad and told them what a big boy he was now, and everyone was really proud of him. After nursery they went to the park and played on the swings, and then they went home. At bedtime Mummy told him how good he was and how much she loved him and then he fell fast asleep!

It's so hard. I suggest the easiest thing to do is a change of mindset - you're both having a hard time of it but you're in it together no matter what. He wants more time chilling with you, doesnt understand how to behave, you are overworked at the end of your tether. Don't take it personally, you're his rock, his guide. You need to be able to change from work mode - "everything has to be efficient", to mummy mode- "baby steps/ what goes goes". Everytime it gets too much, take a breath, re evaluate, and re think - he's just a kid doing silly kid things - it's not the end of the world. You physically but gently make him put on his coat or whatever. You'll get through this, it does get better!

I might add the 5 second rule works wonders - for all ages, even adults. You or the child has to do whatever the instruction is within 5 seconds. Your brain doesn't have time to procrastinate. If child doesn't get moving in 5s, you physically guide them to start doing it. They eventually learn to do it by themselves.

Solidarity. I have a 3.5yo. They are unhinged. Literally woke up on his third birthday with a second personality and a BIG opinion about everything. 🙃

If it helps, I have a friend with the same age and DC regularly spends the day at nursery in his pyjamas quite content. Some battles aren't worth it.

We're aiming for survival.

Hi OP, have you tried bribery with the things you know he'll make a fuss about. I have a 3yr too and she hates getting dressed, baths etc and so I trade 1 sticker or 1 chocolate button if they do as I've asked. Life is hard with a preschooler so whatever makes the day flow easier.

Aghhhh three year olds are demons!
the one piece of wisdom I have is - buy pyjamas that look like normal clothes, then if they want to wear their pyjamas every day all week they just can,

@Bessap I could have written a post like this 12 years ago. I would dread my eldest waking up. I was so baffled by how things seem to spiral when I was trying to be consistent and stick to common sense and grounded advice. And yet, every day things seem to go tits up (ignoring me, pushing boundaries) and I’d feel so sad and shit Honestly that is such a foreign feeling now. It does pass. It is likely a phase. Messages get through. You haven’t gone wrong. Kids have got to learn and it’s not easy.

Best advice try to enjoy all the nice things and moments. Don’t read too much into why things go wrong and stay consistent and calm with natural consequences in place when they do.

I love the bones of my 15 year old boy and he is a delight to hang out with. Time moves on so hang in in there. Xxx

I could have written this post, I had this really bad a few weeks ago too.

things that have helped me recently and I’ve got steadfast with it:
limit sugar, no fruit shoots they are the worst
implement a time out step
zero tolerance for hitting or pushing
tell others to back me up, so when bad behaviour they also say don’t speak to mummy like that
take away things if naughty ie toys
limit and police screen time
limit and police gifts ie a £1 toy from a machine- yes cos been kind to nanny for example

things that have helped on a more positive note:
singing Phil Collins you’ll be in my heart to comfort at bedtime it seems to calm and soothe any problem, quite cute cheesy but it works 😹
Going swimming it tires them out the physical activity regulates
get them to do things in play, so toy monkey wants to brush teeth too etc etc
gummy vitamin as a treat once a day so have a wee before we leave - vitamin

Hmm this sounds like a lot and so tough doing it on your own. I’m not a sure that this is typical of this age to be honest to have so many battles all the time. Nobody’s nervous system can handle that long term. He sounds oppositional and it’s hard to know from your post whether this is typical or not.

If I was you I’d try to dial up self care, speak to myself very kindly and reclaim one area at a time. So the car seat belt one for example. I’d set that as one area to work on, finding strategies that reduce the battle, building in some additional time buffer here to reduce your own stress. Then I’d move on to another area.

Often when we are struggling we look into the future and feel completely overwhelmed. It’s often more productive to focus on one small area at a time.

Take a breath , have a quick cuppa then decide what area to reclaim. Reach out on here too for support. You are not alone even though at times it must feel like it.

I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time, it does sound utterly shit and draining for you.

My LO is younger so I can't speak from experience, but one thing I read recently that made sense to me and might apply to you - you say you give him lots of choice. I read that this can be overwhelming for toddlers and you should try to limit options when giving choice. So "this outfit or that one?", "do you want peas or carrots with your dinner?", "shall we play with the trucks or the sandpit?"

I really hope it gets better!

Is there any option to put him in additional childcare for evenings/weekends occasionally so you can get a break? Please don't feel guilty for doing this if it is financially viable, those of us in relationships/coparenting grab any chance for a break when we need it, you deserve space outside of work to rest and be yourself for a while!

My three year old is exactly the same. Some days she makes me cry! I try to give her as much independence as possible (she chooses her own clothes, chooses what she wants for dinner out of a list of options, chooses what activity she wants to do) which has helped a little bit. I also praise her like crazy but she doesn’t really like me at the moment so my praise means nothing to her 😂 I understand the feeling of your child hating you. It’s hard because she’s such a bloody angel for her dad and my parents. I just keep reminding myself that she’ll grow out of it at some point, my older son is amazing now and I had problems with him at a similar age. We do sticker reward charts and she loves that, and we just figure the rest out as we go along - e.g. she doesn’t like going to bed for me so DH does that (though I appreciate as a single mother you don’t have that option). Can you possibly get a babysitter for a night so you can have some time to yourself?

I could have written this myself about a year ago. Its very different now with my son nearly 4 years old. That fact your son is fine at nursery I think is a good sign. You are his safe space so it all comes out with you. Working full-time is so hard, you are clearly a great mum
I'm sure it will get better and agree with PP that reacting less might help (albeit very hard!) In the meantime as you are at the end of your tether with him, could you take some time off/annual leave to take the pressure of the next couple of weeks. Not suggesting you keep him at home maybe shorter nursery days ad do something nice for yourself during the day? Try and reconnect with him, and have a bit of a reset. And agree that a lot of parenting stress comes from thinking this is their personality and will be a terrible adult. Its not true. 3 years old are maniacs and he grow out of this one his brain develops

He’s at that age when everything has to be a drama. It’s normal.

It will pass, but it’s hard work at the time. 🌺

If dad won't do every other weekend would he do once a month, it would be good for him to build his relationship and give you some rest bite