one holiday too many?

[robbys82]

Quite a long one here. I'll try to be succinct.
am I unreasonable to try to have the same summer holiday with my brother/sister again? sister has a summer villa in France that we can visit for no cost. ⁹and I want to go again this summer but partner does not.

we went last summer, and 3 and 4 years before. I accept it's repetitive, and also in a very quiet area of France, but it's also really cheap, has a pool, and our 2 boys (6 and 8) love the time with their cousins ( and want to go again). it's for 2 weeks. but partner will be working for 1. so I suggest they join us for the 2nd week only .

For context, my partner and I both get decent summer holidays and wage. but I am part time (3 days a week compared to 5) . partner earns approx double (25 Vs 50). I do absolutely all the house care and child care. but I want to see my family in the summer (brother lives in Canada and this is the time he can visit each year and sister lives away and is usually working).

dh says he doesn't want to spend so long away from our boys and doesn't want to go again to France. but I'd argue that he will be working anyway for 1 week in uk (and it's only 8 days that he would have to be there in France afterwards). I should also say that there is a 4 week gap beforehand when we are both off work ( and the school holidays for the kids) where I would be willing to go along with any other holiday plans whatsoever.

am I being unreasonable to go ahead and book flights? ultimately, can I insist on 14 days that I dictate in the year and just take the boys away? or should I take a year off from seeing my brother and stay at home wishing we were there, while my partner works each day? I doubt there could be anything in the middle

I do actually agree she should go for the week he's working but I don't think that two weeks of the summer should be taken over by her family while he's either expected to tag along or miss out. That's not fair.

She should go for a week with the kids, then they should all go somewhere different as a four for their family holiday.

But he’s at home working AND preventing her from going with the kids. Because he will be lonesome!??

As long as her week without him doesn’t impact their ability to have a week together as a four I really really cannot see the problem.

And yes it is very controlling to say- I don’t want to go and you can’t either. Even though I can stay home. It’s outrageous!

I am not suggesting for a moment he holidays with the in laws.

It’s because the France holiday involves free accommodation. Sister and brother could come to OP sometimes but no, they have to go there because it’s free.
The others make no attempt to go anywhere else because ‘it’s free’.
I don’t think her DH is controlling- I think he’s fed up with the status quo.
the visiting family (who happen to live in a holiday climate) means there are limitations financially on things they do as a nuclear family.
I agree with the OP going one week with her children and then a family holiday for another 1-2 weeks with DH.
in turn, she can visit her family whenever she wants, he’s not stopping her. He just doesn’t want visiting family to become the family vacation.

But the OP doesn't want to compromise by going for a week, she wants to do two. Surely its also controlling to say either you come on a holiday you don't want to the same rural location with nothing to do and be surrounded by your in-laws or you dont see your children for two weeks.

He isnt saying she cant go. Lots of posts claiming this but he hasnt said this
He said he doesnt want the kids to go without him and I would completely feel the same.

She hasnt got the right to take them if he doesnt agree, just like if a mum didnt agree but the dad wanted to take them off to see his family.

Its not like he hasnt compromised, she's had her way for the last few years. They can take a break this year and go back to it next year

Yes, I think alternate years sounds like a good compromise too.

I think that’s so fucked up and wouldn’t be the type of relationship I would have.

I don’t like it so neither can you.
You can’t see the family and spend hardly anything money wise
im working but stay home with the kids all day and entertain them so i can have 2/3 hours max with them

Maybe i have the wrong end of the stick but I think both must compromise and preventing your spouse from taking your children on a lovely holiday cos you will miss them is bloody weird.

also refusing the one week or even a long weekend because it’s not enough is also unreasonable.

compromise.

The boys don't know any different. I'm sure they would also love any other family holiday.

I think 1 week while your DH is working is plenty. Then do another holiday.

You say they are 52 weeks in the year but realistically most people only have 1 holiday which you are trying to dictate.

But OP has said that cost is an issue so it does appear that going for a week without him means they can't also have a family break together.

So if he wants a holiday, it reads as though he has to either go with his in-laws or miss out completely, because OP can't miss a year or go on her own for a weekend instead.

You mention that cost is a factor. Even with a budget airline, 3 return flights to France in the school holidays will cost a bit which take money away from the pot of money from your family holiday.

Well I stand corrected and op you cannot force your husband to suck up a holiday he won’t enjoy. His only one?

Go for one week without him. That's the compromise.
I totally get why he doesn't want to use annual leave doing a repeat holiday and I completely get that you want the chance to spend some time with your family.

But she doesn't seem to be saying they can't afford a second holiday, She is saying (I think) that using the second week for France too would be a lot cheaper. OP, can you clarify? It will make it easier to advise.

That isnt compromise, thats having it all your own way, Im going to whip the kids away. Like it or not!

She doesnt have the right to do that, and thats not a compromise. They both need to be in agreement.

Not one single person on this thread would support a dad doing that if the mum didnt want it, despite saying they would

The compromise is that they'll have a family holiday together, no one has talked about the kids not going on holiday at all so the 'nice family holiday' isnt about that

And the nice family holiday should include him.

Its not fucked up or weird, dont exaggerate or use extreme language to make your point.

This

Go with your kids while your DP is away and the PAY for a family holiday. You both earn well and he's entitled to want a day how you spend your family holidays.

YABU and seem unwilling to compromise and just want it all your way. There's no way I'd spend 2 weeks nearly every year with my in laws in holiday. 1 week seems fair and then some family time together

I’ll use whatever language I see fit to enhance my point.

She’s not whipping. So extreme

I love it when DH takes our children away. It’s nice. We don’t have to operate as one unit. We are not a cult.

Anyway my point all along was

one week with family without husband. One week with husband somewhere new. If family funds allow and if not. Then not.

🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

There's not a chance would I go on the same holiday every year and there's not a chance I would spend my holidays with other people (family or friends). So to go on the same holiday every year with family is my idea of hell.

You're being incredibly selfish.

Well, this thread has made me feel so grateful for my marriage. I know for a fact my husband would never put me in this position, nor would I him. He’d be happy for me and our kids to have this yearly opportunity.

And on Valentine’s Day too! 🥰

Thanks everyone

And do what with their children while he's working and saying he couldn't possibly be apart from them for a week?

She's said she'll take their children the week he's working, to spend time with family none of them see often. She's said that this is the only time they see him.

He's said no.

You're right, no evidence of joint working at all...

She doesn't need to go for a full week - a long weekend would be fine.

It's unrealistic and unfair for her to expect every single summer to revolve around her needing to spend a week (or two) with her siblings, especially if that means they go without a family holiday on top.

Maybe I'm coming at it from a different viewpoint but my family all live overseas and spending a week or two together every other year was totally normal for us.

Even if it was at the expense of you ever having a family summer holiday together?

This isn't about you though. I spent years doing these driving holidays in France and having your own pool is bliss. Clearly the OP doesn't find it boring.

We’d save up and make compromises in other areas.
The compromise would never be for our children the other parent to miss out on this opportunity. ☺️