one holiday too many?

[robbys82]

Quite a long one here. I'll try to be succinct.
am I unreasonable to try to have the same summer holiday with my brother/sister again? sister has a summer villa in France that we can visit for no cost. ⁹and I want to go again this summer but partner does not.

we went last summer, and 3 and 4 years before. I accept it's repetitive, and also in a very quiet area of France, but it's also really cheap, has a pool, and our 2 boys (6 and 8) love the time with their cousins ( and want to go again). it's for 2 weeks. but partner will be working for 1. so I suggest they join us for the 2nd week only .

For context, my partner and I both get decent summer holidays and wage. but I am part time (3 days a week compared to 5) . partner earns approx double (25 Vs 50). I do absolutely all the house care and child care. but I want to see my family in the summer (brother lives in Canada and this is the time he can visit each year and sister lives away and is usually working).

dh says he doesn't want to spend so long away from our boys and doesn't want to go again to France. but I'd argue that he will be working anyway for 1 week in uk (and it's only 8 days that he would have to be there in France afterwards). I should also say that there is a 4 week gap beforehand when we are both off work ( and the school holidays for the kids) where I would be willing to go along with any other holiday plans whatsoever.

am I being unreasonable to go ahead and book flights? ultimately, can I insist on 14 days that I dictate in the year and just take the boys away? or should I take a year off from seeing my brother and stay at home wishing we were there, while my partner works each day? I doubt there could be anything in the middle

Look, kids go to boarding school. Parents work away. Separated parents don't have their kids every day. There are SO MANY reasons that people don't see their kids for a couple of days upto a month or so.

A couple of weeks in the school holidays for the kids to enjoy themselves seems really petty to be bitching about, when the other option is that he has whatever holiday he wants AND goes with them on this one. Or, has the holiday he wants AND his kids get to do this.

His kids will know that they had to give up a second week with their cousins "cos of dad". Even if they aren't told, they'll know. Would you want your kids to know they missed out on something they loved doing just cos you didn't fancy it? Because that's what it boils down to.

See ya 👋🏼

OP used the word dictate too. I agree that trying to dictate in a relationship is not healthy.

I’m not sure he said he’s fine for that week unless I missed it. The only thing that OP discussed was 2 weeks.

I’ve repeatedly said I think 1 week is the right compromise.

Well it seems mean of your DH. He wants to deny you the chance to see family and deny you the chance of a 2 week holiday too. Facetime exists now so he can still see the kids. And he could see them for a week on holiday too. He is being very selfish as it seems to be his way or the high way?

Absolutely 💯
Both the OP and her partner are being a bit unreasonable and should be able to come up with a compromise without anyone dictating anyone.

Agree family relationships are important. A week is a good compromise.

Exactly this.

Sorry I can’t double quote but OP has said that her DH has agreed to her and DCs going for one week, but this isn’t good enough for OP.
At this rate return flights will be unaffordable so best booking something.

OP, honestly this is him punishing you for the family he doesn't have.
Punishing his children too.
Sinister and disturbing.
He is controlling and this is not the action of a good man and father.

A good parent gets enormous second hand enjoyment to know their children are having a blast, even without them.

I think it is deeply disturbing that he would deny his children.

As a mother I would be spelling out that I am deeply disturbed by this and am not prepared to accept it.

Are you really so happy in this marriage knowing he is like this?

Spell it out to him just how damaging this is to how you view him as a husband and father.

He needs to know you find this controlling and unacceptable.

Well no because family living 4 hours away or a short flight is not the same as family in Canada you only see once a year. In that context it makes sense to take more time.

Is there something he proposes to do instead in terms of a family holiday? If so, I'd take both trips into account and see if there's a way to do both. Very generally, it seems that airfare for you and the children will be the same regardless of whether you go for one week or two, and you have a place to stay - so how much, realistically, would you be spending per day on things like food, leisure, etc? And does the time you would be taking off from work to go for two weeks mean you would not have enough time to also do his proposed trip? I wouldn't force him to go to France at all if he doesn't want to, but I'd need more persuading that your going, and the children going, for two weeks causes a problem.

Also, I know this is not the point of your post, but since you did post it: I do absolutely all the house care and child care needs scrutiny. You've said that he works full time while you work part time (salary doesn't really come into it unless you're considering switching things up so you work more hours and he fewer) but he should still be doing an adjusted fair share. Even if you're absolutely fine with his sticking you with all of the housework, it's important for the children's sake that he do his part with them. If you do absolutely all right now, it makes sense that the children go with you if you go to France for two weeks; otherwise they could split the time and do one week in France with you and one at home with him (although it sounds like they'd prefer the full 2 weeks in France).

I would tell him that, if he decides to take your boys home for the second week, he is the one who has to explain the rationale to them and, if they ask to stay in France, you will make it clear that you'd be happy for that to happen.

Essentially the question is WHBU to deny his sons a week with their cousins? You should stay there whatever happens.

Given the update i think ita fair you go and book something else within the 4 weeks prior as a family holiday.

Its then up to him if he does the 2nd week with you. However i do think everyone jumping on it being ‘free’ is misled. The accommodation is free. The flights aren’t even with budget airlines i have flown one way for £30 but then return has been £100. Also its not ‘free’ when your there. You still need to eat/ drink etc, groceries are not cheap in France. I would think the trip would still cost a minimum of £1000 (flights, food, activities) however OP has said budget isn’t a problem. Just making the point that the DH is probably making the connection that the ‘free’ holiday isn’t actually ‘free’

@robbys82 how does your DH get on with your family generally? If they aren’t close I can see how a week or two solidly each summer might seem like a lot. Is there a possibility you could rent a gite fairly nearby so you can still meet up with your family during the second week, but you can also have family time on your own as well with your husband and children?

Have you discussed booking a family holiday for any of the 4 weeks prior? Maybe if you had something else booked too he’d feel happier.

@robbys82 What about he flies over for the second week and you four drive to a different bit of France or another country for 3-4 days doing something fun - maybe go to the coast and have a beach experience. Then go back to the villa for a couple of days before flying home.

Then he doesn’t have to spend a lot of time with the in-laws - which he clearly isn’t keen on, you get some alone family holiday time, and you get a full two weeks away and 9-10 days with your family.

I'm with you Op. And our family often did this, kids got family time and fab holidays, I loved it, my DH loved the break at home (he positively encouraged it! ) and absence makes the heart go fonder. We also managed to have wonderful holidays with just our family unit too.

I would reframe it for him. You are providing 2 weeks of summer childcare and he can work through the whole 2 weeks and enjoy his leave with you guys another time.

He’s being ridiculous imo. Of course you should go, it’s time for them to see ther cousins and you your brother. Can you not pick another week or two in the year to go away just you four as well? Somewhere new?

I think just go with the one week with your family and then arrange to meet your DH to do something different.. perhaps somewhere else in France. Would your kids enjoy a trip to Disney perhaps?

Sounds like a no brainer to spend 2 weeks in France if you and your boys want to. Your partner is outvoted!

I'd try getting to the bottom of what is really bothering your partner about joining you there for week 2, the reasons you've mentioned before just sound so weak/not full fleshed out/thought through.

1. He doesn't want to be away from the boys - does he mean if you go away for the week they're working? Yeah it's sad but the alternative is you all having to stay at home and missing out on time with your family. Is he jealous you have a close relationship with them, or that they want to spend time with you because he doesn't have the same from his family? Or if you do all the housework like you say, is it that he doesn't want to have to look after himself for a week?!

2. He doesn't want to go to France - does he wants to explore somewhere new? If so, do that in the first 4 weeks you have off together as you suggested. Or does he want to stay in the UK to avoid the travel, or leaving a pet behind?

So what else could it be? Does he not have a good time with your family? I go away for 2 weeks with my in laws (parents and siblings) and we have a blast. We tend to do things as a whole group one day, then do things separately the next day, but always come together in the evenings for dinner - just stops things getting too intense and gives you new stuff to chat about at dinner!

I'd also count up how many days you spend travelling to and visiting your partner's family per year and I'd it's close to 7 days then call it even! Not that it should be about keeping score.

Go see your sister, brother and their families. Take your kids with you. It’s just a fortnight out of an entire year and you don’t see your family otherwise. It’s called visiting family not a holiday, I have done it a lot too over the years.

your husband can stay at home and he can also organise a separate family holiday for all of you to go on together, a proper family holiday.

Exactly. If OP had parents living abroad would her DH object to their kids visiting them for a fortnight a year?

I think given he has holidayed with your family a lot over the last few years you should follow his preference this year as he’s compromised & done the holiday you want a lot. You & your DC can still have a nice week with your family (which your DH is happy got you to do) You are spitting your dummy out a bit as can see your family and still have your own family holiday.

DH is the one spitting his dummy out.

DH is fed up of pandering to OPs family. I bet her parents live round the corner while his are 200 miles away too.