one holiday too many?

[robbys82]

Quite a long one here. I'll try to be succinct.
am I unreasonable to try to have the same summer holiday with my brother/sister again? sister has a summer villa in France that we can visit for no cost. ⁹and I want to go again this summer but partner does not.

we went last summer, and 3 and 4 years before. I accept it's repetitive, and also in a very quiet area of France, but it's also really cheap, has a pool, and our 2 boys (6 and 8) love the time with their cousins ( and want to go again). it's for 2 weeks. but partner will be working for 1. so I suggest they join us for the 2nd week only .

For context, my partner and I both get decent summer holidays and wage. but I am part time (3 days a week compared to 5) . partner earns approx double (25 Vs 50). I do absolutely all the house care and child care. but I want to see my family in the summer (brother lives in Canada and this is the time he can visit each year and sister lives away and is usually working).

dh says he doesn't want to spend so long away from our boys and doesn't want to go again to France. but I'd argue that he will be working anyway for 1 week in uk (and it's only 8 days that he would have to be there in France afterwards). I should also say that there is a 4 week gap beforehand when we are both off work ( and the school holidays for the kids) where I would be willing to go along with any other holiday plans whatsoever.

am I being unreasonable to go ahead and book flights? ultimately, can I insist on 14 days that I dictate in the year and just take the boys away? or should I take a year off from seeing my brother and stay at home wishing we were there, while my partner works each day? I doubt there could be anything in the middle

Ok i see both sides

My brother lives abroad with my neices/nephews who are a similar age to my kids. We have free accommodation and its cheap flights we tend to go once or twice a year (winter/summer) as its a good destination for skiing and also hot summers. However as much as i love seeing them and the kids love it if it was my only holiday its too much, its not a holiday, its seeing family and its samey we have done everything 100 times over, its essentially home from home, you can’t relax the same as you have to be socially available i often feel i need a holiday when i get home. And thats MY family not my husbands. My husband is happy to go as we always have a separate family holiday just us, but I absolutely would knock visiting my brother on the head if we couldn’t do both, especially if i had been the previous year. (I am aware i’m very lucky)

I think the fair compromise would be you and the children go for x1 week when he is working.

Then you do a family holiday for x1/2 weeks.

She could go on her own for a weekend (it’s only France, not the other end of the world). Lots of people don’t get the chance to spend weeks on end with their siblings every summer 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure she’ll survive if she doesn’t go every year!

It's 3 holidays in 4 years and it is his in laws - brother and sister in law.

Why don't they plan another opportunity to see family elsewhere? Sister lives in this country 'but is always working' but surely a time would be arranged at a weekend.
Brother in Canada might be trickier but maybe this could be the new holiday destination?

How are they NOT holidaying with the in-laws every year if they spend two weeks every summer with OP’s family?

I suspect the answers would be very different if this thread was about a woman being expected to spend two weeks every summer with her SIL!

She does the get the chance though. It’s only her husband being controlling that is stopping her.

He’s not expected to go…

I am really amazed by how much sympathy your DH is getting. The only thing I would say is that he shouldn’t be forced to come for the second week. Being dragged the same place over and over that you don’t enjoy is annoying and unfair. If he prefers he should just stay at home. But that he refuses to do that, but also refuses to let you go? So you all have to miss out on what is obviously a beautiful opportunity for the three of you, which you all look forward to, so you can pay court to him, who is working half the time anyway and doing none of the parenting work? The fact that he doesn’t care about cutting you and boys off from the chance to see your family? All this gives me really controlling vibes. Is he controlling in other ways too?

if my family all liked doing something I didn’t, that made their lives richer, and cost me nothing..I’d be delighted, and wave them off to go do it. I’d then have the healthy sense of self to work out how to make my weeks alone enjoyable.

you guys have four weeks off work all together before these two weeks, and are able to go on another holiday too… so he is deprived of literally nothing, other than being away from his boys for two weeks- one week of which he will be too busy to notice because he is working and the other week he could remove if he cared that much by popping to France for a stress free holiday. If he is genuinely traumatised at the thought of being away from his kids for two weeks (at the age of those kids) then I’d say that is unhealthy. (And yes I’d say that about a woman too). It suggests a neediness that is disproportionate. And it strikes me as insincere- especially as you say you do absolutely all the childcare (why?)… that suggests he’s quite happy to have them as ornaments and not lean in to the actual parenting. He can have video calls if he is missing them so intolerably. But It sounds more like that protest is the only lever he has to stop you guys going off and having a good time.

OP, is he controlling in other ways?

A thousand times this

Most people get to see their sibling more frequently throughout the year though. OP doesn't because her brother lives in Canada.

Of course she'll survive! That doesn't mean he's not being selfish.

Her brother lives in Canada. It says so in the OP.

can you suggest he joins for a long weekend in the middle? You could collect him from the airport and drop him back. So he doesn’t have 2 weeks without seeing the kids.

In general though, I don’t think YABU.its your one chance to see your brother from Canada! Does he display selfishness or controlling behaviours in other areas of your life? It seems he is thinking more of himself than DC. It also doesn’t sound very fair that you do ALL the childcare and housework while also working part time. How are weekends split?

I think if my DP wanted to take our DD (only 5) away somewhere with family that I didn’t fancy going but I knew would be great for them, I’d be actively trying to make it happen even if I went out for a few days so I didn’t miss DD for too long.

I wholeheartedly agree.

It’s not selfish to say you don’t want to go on holiday with your in-laws every summer!

OP can fly out for a long weekend every other year - she can still see her siblings but it means it doesn’t dominate every summer.

My family all lived on the other side of the world growing up, we saw each other every 2-3 years with phone calls etc. in between. OP doesn’t need to turn the family holiday into a family reunion every single summer - THAT is selfish.

If he doesn’t go he doesn’t see his kids!

Seems to me we can't get much further without OP telling us if the 1 week option is doable or not. Either by accident or design she didn't really answer that question when asked.

Again, it’s not controlling to expect that some of your summer holiday abroad isn’t spent with your in-laws 🫣

Would everyone be so supportive if a woman was posting saying she had to go away with her in-laws every summer or she’d miss out on a week or more with her kids?

I think it is fair for you to go the week he is working but not for the second week if it isn't something he wants to join. But only if you also have funds for a family holiday just the four of you. That should be the main priority. If you can afford both - he'd be mean to insist you can't go at all. If you could afford France but not another holiday that is maybe a bit different - but still if it was my family I would maybe want to save up over two years.

I think you need to talk about it as visiting relatives and not as a holiday alternative.
Does your DH take an active role in planning and booking family holidays?
Ideally this visit would be as well as a holiday but appreciate that holidays are expensive.
Perhaps you can sit down together with your leave availability and budget to work out a plan that suits you both.

This couldn’t be simpler. Go for a week while he’s working. That’s the obvious compromise. Weirdly you seem to suggest you should “dictate and just take the boys away for 2 weeks” and that “I doubt there could be anything in the middle”. Clearly there is something in the middle.

if you just take them for 2 weeks, YABU. If your partner tries to stop you from going with the kids for a week while he’s working, then he is controlling.

You have to fly there (with checked bags) in school holidays. Probably not as cheap as you’re indicating. Does this hinder funds for a holiday your partner would like to do this year for a change? How often does your partner get to see his wider family? Seems to me he’s had enough of this trip.

A week while he’s working just seems such a sensible and logical answer all round.

For two weeks. One of which he will be working full-time.

Yes. She would also have the choice to go or stay home.

You can’t choose to not do something and then say your spouse, who really wants to and has the ability to, can’t either.

I don't see why you can't go for a week with the kids to your sister's place and do a different family holiday elsewhere? Why does it have to be either/or?

I missed that bit so ok thats harder, but still doesnt give her the right to dictate the family holiday or to remove the kids for a week without him being there

I wouldnt like that and would expect my partner to compromise if we had holidayed with his family for the past 3 years and I wouldnt want him taking the kids off for a week even if I was working full time.

Why dont the plan a holiday to Canada. Why doesnt the brother holiday in the UK. Unfortunately when people move to other countries it does affect the dynamic and cause logistical arrangements to be made but it has to be shared out.

I mean, you can, you can say whatever you want...

Whether your partner agrees or whether it's a dealbreaker or not is another matter.

I don't see what his problem is. It can't really be that he can't be separated from two kids that age for a week surely. Maybe if he took on a bit more of the childcare responsibilities for the rest of the year he'd appreciate the break.

I think it sounds like an ideal arrangement for you and the kids to catch up with family. If he doesn't want to go then he can stay at home. But trying to stop you all from going is really selfish.