one holiday too many?

[robbys82]

Quite a long one here. I'll try to be succinct.
am I unreasonable to try to have the same summer holiday with my brother/sister again? sister has a summer villa in France that we can visit for no cost. ⁹and I want to go again this summer but partner does not.

we went last summer, and 3 and 4 years before. I accept it's repetitive, and also in a very quiet area of France, but it's also really cheap, has a pool, and our 2 boys (6 and 8) love the time with their cousins ( and want to go again). it's for 2 weeks. but partner will be working for 1. so I suggest they join us for the 2nd week only .

For context, my partner and I both get decent summer holidays and wage. but I am part time (3 days a week compared to 5) . partner earns approx double (25 Vs 50). I do absolutely all the house care and child care. but I want to see my family in the summer (brother lives in Canada and this is the time he can visit each year and sister lives away and is usually working).

dh says he doesn't want to spend so long away from our boys and doesn't want to go again to France. but I'd argue that he will be working anyway for 1 week in uk (and it's only 8 days that he would have to be there in France afterwards). I should also say that there is a 4 week gap beforehand when we are both off work ( and the school holidays for the kids) where I would be willing to go along with any other holiday plans whatsoever.

am I being unreasonable to go ahead and book flights? ultimately, can I insist on 14 days that I dictate in the year and just take the boys away? or should I take a year off from seeing my brother and stay at home wishing we were there, while my partner works each day? I doubt there could be anything in the middle

So it’s all about the free holiday then….

And OP’a don’t? If she worked FT she’d be earning almost the same.

Bit she doesn't work full time... therefore the other days it's fair she does the workload in the house.

No no no - they divide the domestic work and childcare between according to their working hours. Thus 50/50 on the 3 days they’re both working and on weekends, then she picks up the slack on the 2 days she’s off.

Fair play. I'm beginning to think you are the OP on a 2nd account because you know so much about the family that hadn't been said on the forum at all.

Adults, parents even more so, don’t get to live their lives completely unaffected by other people.
He doesn’t want to go on the holiday so he’s going to just have to be a bit lonely for a couple of weeks while his wife sees her siblings and kids have fun with their cousins.
And deal with it. Like an adult.

“and I think it would be very illuminating for them to manage the day to day ( feeding, dressing, cleaning) for 2 whole weeks, considering that I've always done all of this for the last 8 years.”

He doesn’t do his “fair share”

I’d do a week in France (when dh is working) another week with dh

😆 All you have to do is read the thread.

If I were the OP I’d have already booked the flights to France.

Enjoy the holiday and take break from MN...you could do with it. You must be exhausted from all the conclusions you jump to 😂

The other 5 weeks*

This was going to be my suggestion. Extended family is precious. My cousins in another country are some of my life long best friends now at aged 60 from the random summer holidays we shared as children. Your own siblings are important to you too. If your DH has different values then that’s really sad and I wouldn’t allow him to deprive you and your DCs of something precious just because he can’t see it or doesn’t know the value of it. Stand your ground.

If he kicks off tell him you want to repay the hospitality (which maybe you should consider anyway at some point) and that the alternative then is that you host them all in your home.

He’s being ridiculous IMHO - being away from his DCs for a week ??? Will they never be allowed to go on scout camp, cricket tour, school residential trips etc?

Can he look to make the week more tolerable for him - come out for a shorter time - go on some day trips without your B & S?

So the OP who just wants her holidays says.

Yes. It’s completely unbelievable that a woman carries an unfair load of the childcare and household duties… it never happens. Never.

I have booked flights out for me and the boys ( they were so cheap @ £40 each and selling fast) but the return date is the real dispute.

one option could be that he flies out to France only to take the boys straight home, and I stay with my family for a second week. but the boys would hardly understand why they had to stop a holiday by a pool in summer sun with all their cousins and grandparents, just to go back to sit at home for a week before going back to school in September

I meant booked return flights for a 2 week stay.

At £40 and free accommodation - it’s crazy to turn this opportunity down.

You do need to tackle his selfishness not just about the holiday but about everyday life. He’s forcing everyone to his tune and in the long run this could kill the relationship.

Would he genuinely deny them a (basically) free holiday with extended family under the guise of not being away from them, then do nothing with them while he had them?

That's even worse than I thought it was. Shitty partner is one thing but this is verging on shitty parent.

(PS, if he's a shitty partner, you have options)

I don’t think the DH is denying them their free holiday. He just wants it to be one week rather than two because he doesn’t want to go and doesn’t want to be away from his family for a fortnight.
Who does what is a separate conversation to have, but I think a week is a reasonable compromise.

he has accepted ( but not happy) that for the first week while he is working, we will be away on holiday. but it's whether I settle for a single week, or turn down staying for a 2nd week ( with him or without) to come home...

Settle 😂
Or demand he doesn't see his kids for 2 weeks?

Honestly... this should be on a divorce thread

The entitlement is unreal

How can you use the word entitlement with a straight face about a man who feels entitled to do nothing in the home. Then entitled to deprive his kids of for his own selfish needs?

I thought you were on your holidays?

Do you really want to stay married to such a selfish man?

They have 6 weeks of school holiday and could be having fun. Instead they have to stay at home so he can see them briefly when he gets in from work.

unbelievably selfish and controlling.

At least you get a week with your family if nothing else.

DH doesn't like it when he's not with DD and I, but we live 4 hours from my whole family and it's not always feasible for all of us to go (dog and other animals, parents have a dog who doesn't like other dogs, hotels/Airbnb/pet sitters/kennels all cost money). So regularly he'll stay home and DD and I go. Wouldn't be fair to deny DD a good relationship with half her family.

Equally, he has a fair amount of training for his job that's only delivered at certain sites in the country. He has to go, and we can't just pause life waiting for him to get back so sometimes he misses some family fun.

And then sometimes I have to go see family on my own (illness, etc) because it's not appropriate or feasible to take DD for those things, she's only 4. DH will do fun stuff with her to keep her busy and not missing me too much, and I obviously miss that.

As much as we'd both like every fun moment to be all of us as a family together, it's not always possible. Life isn't just straightforward and easy.

He needs to understand that. It's not about him, it's about them and what's best for them.

She's not DEMANDING he doesn't see them for two weeks. She's requesting they ALL go on holiday, to do something the kids enjoy and benefit from. He has the choice to join them when he finishes work.

If he chooses not to go, that's up to him but HE will be the one choosing not to see them for the extra week OR denying them time that they want with their cousins having fun.