one holiday too many?

[robbys82]

Quite a long one here. I'll try to be succinct.
am I unreasonable to try to have the same summer holiday with my brother/sister again? sister has a summer villa in France that we can visit for no cost. ⁹and I want to go again this summer but partner does not.

we went last summer, and 3 and 4 years before. I accept it's repetitive, and also in a very quiet area of France, but it's also really cheap, has a pool, and our 2 boys (6 and 8) love the time with their cousins ( and want to go again). it's for 2 weeks. but partner will be working for 1. so I suggest they join us for the 2nd week only .

For context, my partner and I both get decent summer holidays and wage. but I am part time (3 days a week compared to 5) . partner earns approx double (25 Vs 50). I do absolutely all the house care and child care. but I want to see my family in the summer (brother lives in Canada and this is the time he can visit each year and sister lives away and is usually working).

dh says he doesn't want to spend so long away from our boys and doesn't want to go again to France. but I'd argue that he will be working anyway for 1 week in uk (and it's only 8 days that he would have to be there in France afterwards). I should also say that there is a 4 week gap beforehand when we are both off work ( and the school holidays for the kids) where I would be willing to go along with any other holiday plans whatsoever.

am I being unreasonable to go ahead and book flights? ultimately, can I insist on 14 days that I dictate in the year and just take the boys away? or should I take a year off from seeing my brother and stay at home wishing we were there, while my partner works each day? I doubt there could be anything in the middle

One thing I’m sceptical of is that the partner would miss the children for even a week, so much so that he doesn’t want them to go. 2 weeks is more understandable.

One thing the OP mentions is that her partners family live 200 miles away. Do you live near your parents by any chance? It may be that he has a growing resentment at being distant from his family and then spending and then also spending holiday time with your family.

I think you need to establish the root cause of his reticence on this trip. It doesn’t sound like he has a history of controlling behaviour, so suspect there is something else irking him.

Personally, I get on well with my in laws. I wouldn’t fancy 2 weeks with them, but would gladly fly out for week 2 and have a nice time. But not everyone gets on with their in laws and not everyone is happy to be away from their kids for 2 weeks.

If you didn’t get along with your in laws and your OH said they were taking them for 2 weeks regardless (or you could come for 1 week with people you don’t like but have tolerated on holiday for the past 3 years), how would you feel about your OH proceeding to take them away for 2 weeks without you?

cant you just go for the one week whilst he works.

Honestly, I don't get on with all of them, but I'd put up with my in laws for a week for a £40 flight, free accommodation and a weeks holiday with my kids. Annually, especially if we had the leave and money to do a holiday just us as well.

Doesn't matter how I feel about my BILs and SILs, unless the relationship with them would harm DD I wouldn't deny her it if she wanted it or make DH miss out on the only two weeks he saw them.

Or she could be happy with a week seeing her family like any normal person would

Ask yourself if the extra week is really worth the resentment and annoyance it's going to cause in your marriage over the course of this year.

You're the authority on normal, are you?

Some of my family I would be happy to never see again. Some, two weeks a year isn't enough. I miss them a ridiculous amount.

You don't get to dictate what's enough for anyone to see their family.

He's said he's fien for them to go for the one week while hes working. If he were demanding nobody went for a week I'd fund that unreasonable, but he's obviously spent alot of his holidays with her family over the years and of course he'd miss his kids for 2 weeks.

I think one week is more than reasonable.

No, only @Alunagets to dictate on this thread.

Would you force your partner to not see their kids for 2 weeks so you could see your family instead? Because that's not normal... that's not a happy healthy relationship.

Feel free to read further back where I've actually given my situation here.

But the gist of it is, we live four hours from my family and regularly I take DD to see them and DH stays home, or I go alone, or he's away for training.

We miss each other and DD a lot when these things arise but neither of us would deny the other the relationship with family, and crucially we wouldn't deny DD it.

If your child(ren) wanted to spend time with your family and your husband was saying no because he didn't want to, you'd deny your kids that relationship with their extended family would you? Because putting your partner above the rest of the family is what's unhealthy. And him expecting that is what's unhealthy. Not a week or so apart for something that benefits the majority.

Your version of “normal” is narrow and selfish.

Normal in my world is consideration for other people and their happiness.

You have a free holiday with your SIL and then go on for a week with the family somewhere else - they could drive Spain or Italy and do something completely different.

“He's said he's fien for them to go for the one week while hes working”

No. He didn’t

I did read your situation. And I am actually similar... my family live 4 hours away, my partners a short flight away. We have both taken our children to see our own families at various points, but not for 2 weeks at a time. I've said a few times that one week is reasonable. Everybody who wants to see the extended family gets to see them, but the kids and parents aren't seperated for two whole weeks with loads of animosity.

But she's not considering HIS happiness?
It works both ways in a marriage

It's already booked 😂😂
They are arguing over the return date.

Read the OPs posts

Jesus, do cousins trump a dad now?

On this site, of course they do

Who is considering the children's happiness here?

You read them.

She said he agreed but isn't happy about it.

That's not "fine".

And he’s not “fien” with it

No, but if the kids want a fun holiday with their cousins and their dad would rather they just bummed around at home so he didn't have to go, that's pretty shite.

Don’t you have amazing memories with your cousins?
They’ll be with their dad the other 50 weeks of the year. I’m sure they’ve survive without him for two.

They get to do both 😂

She is though, that’s why she’s here. She is considering everyone’s happiness including her kids whereas he’s only considering his own.

He doesn’t consider her happiness either dodging domestic work and childcare.

From that we can say with certainty his happiness is his priority across the board.

Unless he’s got a 5 week holiday planned, he’s being a selfish prick.

Honestly... I can't even respond to you anymore.
I need a holiday now because you are completely draining. It's like talking to a wall.