To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

His parents are still of working age, they are no way near retiring age. Why on earth can’t they drive/catch public transport/walk/take a taxi?

Whst a pleasant surprise OP.
I really hope he follows through.
I can only imagine the shock and upset of losing such a precious animal.
Mind yourself.

There are 168 hours in a week, you see him for 6 of these hours in a week so 'when we are together we have a great relationship, communication ect.'
I would hope / expect so as you barely see him.

Still there is a saying that actions speak louder than words, you got the words yesterday afternoon lets now see if the actions match up...

I’d tell him to call you again when he’s moved out of his parents’ house and is renting or bought somewhere of his own. You’re a grown woman with children to think about, what on earth do you want with a man who’s never paid rent or a mortgage or utilities of his own and exists like some overgrown teenager? What sort of future is there with a man you have to treat like another child?

It’s probably best you split up…..you are emotionally attached to animals, he gives a greater priority to humans. This disparity of attitude is probably going to cause conflict so perhaps you would be badly matched….. both of you should find somebody better suited to the way you see things maybe? I think it would be best.

If he’s willing enough to sit his parents down in front of you and spell out how they need to back off because you are very important to him, then why does he observe their 8.30pm curfew like a young child having to go home before he gets told off or punished.

It doesn’t make sense OP. He can’t have it both ways. With a foot in both doors.

You are wise to wait for positive action to prove he is independent of them, and capable of making his own decisions which centre you instead of them all the time. They are too young to be in need of a carer and chauffeur, all the time.

He has an awful lot to prove to you.

As has been asked before, does he work ?

OP has said he did live independently and moved back in to help rebuild his parents failing business and help get his father sober. His father now has dementia.

uncalled for .

Absolutely uncalled for and more a comment about themselves than me I think.

I cant believe the volume of comments disagreeing with you.

I totally agree with you OP. You had a distressing emergency. Your boyfriend prioritised a non- urgent matter instead. You had to deal with the issue alone when he could have helped and supported you.

You were right to end things with him. It will happen again in some way at some point if you stayed together and you'll regret wasting your time on him.

Im so sorry about your little cat. At least he/she died safe at home and not when outdoors alone. You were able to see it through to a dignified end and say goodbye in your own way. You sound a great fur-mama. Be kind to yourself x

I think on this occasion it was unfortunate his parents had dentist appointments which likely couldn’t be cancelled last minute.
lost if dentists take upfront payments now and insist on a minimum of 48 hours to cancel…
However being in his 30’s and having to be home by 8.30?? WHAT?? His mum not letting him stay over at yours?? WHAT??? I couldn’t go out with someone who is an adult but still such a mummys boy!

He should have came to see you and arranged a taxi to the dentist.

Hi OP, so sorry about your lovely cat. If this is the straw that broke your back and made you end the relationship I think that’s fine - ie a pattern of behaviour which is ongoing and not changing despite you highlighting it to him. I don’t think my DP would need asking to return if one of our animals died, he’d want to come back and be supportive. Likewise me with him. It’s not about getting your cat over to the vet for a cremation, you were asking for his help and support because you were in need. For a dentist appointment they could so easily just organise a taxi. I think it’s quite pathetic neither he or his parents understood your need for support vs a completion of a mundane task. I wonder what level of emergency it would require for him to head home for you. Make sure you weren’t just acting out of emotion and that this is what you really want though, but I am with you.

I think YABU. I'm AuDHD so I get how you were finding this particularly difficult and overwhelming, but I think you got lost in the overwhelm. If he is otherwise a good partner, I would make up with him.

'fur-mama'????? FUR MAMA???? What a revolting concept and expression. The world is going more and more insane!