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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
Swiftie1878 · 14/02/2026 11:02

Pandolly · 14/02/2026 11:00

He has just been round and given me this.

Hmmm…And he’s gone off again? Or is he taking you out? Spending the day and cooking you dinner?

IAmKerplunk · 14/02/2026 11:02

Are you spending this evening together or does his curfew still stand at the weekend?

Shellythesnail2333 · 14/02/2026 11:05

Swiftie1878 · 14/02/2026 11:02

Hmmm…And he’s gone off again? Or is he taking you out? Spending the day and cooking you dinner?

Yes, quality time together, is more precious than a gift! If he’s not seeing you this weekend hes taking the piss.

Pandolly · 14/02/2026 11:08

Well he's gone again because I'd told him i was done. But he said he juat wanted to give me this, gave me a hug then went.
I expect he's waiting to see if I say anything.
I have my children home all weekend and we actually discussed before how valentines day is too hyped and not something we are fussed about, so I wouldn't or didn't expect any gesture at all.

OP posts:
Desperatelydoomscrolling · 14/02/2026 11:11

OP this thread has been a ride!! Firstly I'm so sorry about your poor cat, what a terribly sad shock for you. I think on first reading you did seem unreasonable and like you overreacted. And in a normal healthy relationship where this was a one off unexpected circumstance where your ex had just made the wrong choice for you on the spot then I would have said you went too far and reacted badly. But on further reading your dear little cat has actually made one last movement in improving your life greatly. Her loss has thrown the spotlight onto a relationship that really won't work no matter how much you want it to. You might love him as a person but you can never be happy with someone who forces you into a life where you will always be a tiny bit part in his main relationship - which is with his mummy. Adults don't do this, and if he loved you enough he wouldn't ask this of you. You sound lovely and I can see you are committed but give future you a chance of finding someone who makes a life with you and leave this one at the kerb. I'm sorry, but sometimes it's a case of 'right guy - wrong time' and without being too blunt until his parents pass on it will always be the 'wrong time' for this guy. He's unhealthy enmeshed and doesn't really want to change it. It's been a tough week, be gentle on yourself.

Swiftie1878 · 14/02/2026 11:17

Pandolly · 14/02/2026 11:08

Well he's gone again because I'd told him i was done. But he said he juat wanted to give me this, gave me a hug then went.
I expect he's waiting to see if I say anything.
I have my children home all weekend and we actually discussed before how valentines day is too hyped and not something we are fussed about, so I wouldn't or didn't expect any gesture at all.

So you think this was him trying to win you back?!
Blimey. That’s a low bar.

Pandolly · 14/02/2026 11:25

Swiftie1878 · 14/02/2026 11:17

So you think this was him trying to win you back?!
Blimey. That’s a low bar.

No i don't think that's what it was. He knows I'm not a material person so wouldn't be swooned by a piece of jewellery.
I don't know if he got this last week for today, or is trying to give an olive branch so I'll be open to talking to him.

OP posts:
Passingthrough123 · 14/02/2026 11:28

Sorry about your cat. Flowers Your upset over the dentist appointment aside, this isn't a healthy relationship for you to be in. In fact, it's not really a relationship at all. How can it be if you only see him six hours as week and he never stays over? The person he's really committed to is his mum and that's only going to get worse as his father's dementia progresses.

A scrappy note hardly cuts it either. I bet his mum got some nice flowers from him though.

TheHouseElf · 14/02/2026 11:30

Its not what he says he's going to do, now or in the future - its his actions you need to base things on.

This relationship is not going to have a future, if his Mummy is going to come first, and unless or until he makes the changes himself, and sticks to them, you're wasting your time and energy on pursuing this going forward.

My condolences on the loss of your cat, but as a previous poster says, their passing is shining a light on what makes you happy (or not) in this relationship, and was their final act of love to you. Best wishes OP.

Booboobagins · 14/02/2026 11:31

YANBU they could have taken a cab, you needed him and he failed you. I would not be choosing him. He doesn't prioritise your health/wellbeing.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/02/2026 11:41

Why are you so happy to be accepting crumbs

as that is all he is offering you
2 hours 3 evenings a week
and home to Mummy by 8.30pm

even a 12 year old boy would be more available

how do you truthfully see your future with him !

do you believe you and your children will be moving into his parents house !

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/02/2026 11:42

and what a shame he couldn't find the time / effort / money to write his few scribbled words in a card ! instead of on lined paper...

Climbingrosexx · 14/02/2026 11:45

It's a horrible situation and I am sorry for the loss of your cat, it's devastating to lose a much loved pet, I know that from experience.

I also know from experience what it's like to have a parent become so dependant on you. It cannot be easy for him and it is hard to say no.

I don't think I would be ending the relationship over this particular incident but maybe a long honest chat with him is overdue. Were his parents dependant on him when you got together? If so he could say you knew what you were getting into. Does he have siblings who could help? I think you need to work out if this relationship is for you and if he will ever be able to put you first? I don't want to say you are being unreasonable given everything you are going through but appointments are not easy to cancel and rebook. Especially dentist appointments which if cancelled last minute can result in a fine needing to be paid before you can have another appointment.

Swiftie1878 · 14/02/2026 11:55

Pandolly · 14/02/2026 11:25

No i don't think that's what it was. He knows I'm not a material person so wouldn't be swooned by a piece of jewellery.
I don't know if he got this last week for today, or is trying to give an olive branch so I'll be open to talking to him.

Seriously, don’t.
It strikes me that you need to value yourself a little more. You are presenting yourself to us, and him, as super low-maintenance.
If you allow people to make little effort with or for you, that’s what you’ll get - little effort.

Have a little more self esteem. You are WORTH more than this. You deserve his time, energy, thoughts and care. Yet you are accepting crumbs from his mother’s table.

I’m sure he’s a very nice guy but you need to move on. He is not relationship ready. He is still a child with no agency and doing exactly as his parents wish/demand.

Newmumatlast · 14/02/2026 12:08

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:37

It looks like the thoughts are that I'm being ridiculous.
I appreciate everyone being kindly honest. It can be hard to see clearly sometimes and I know that a huge thing for me is my animals hence wanting to ask outside views.

I had to take my cat at a specific time as it's by appointment so as to ensure the little chapel of rest there is free for each family that wants to use it. Then I had the school run at 3pm. The crem is half hour away so I didn't have time to go later.

I've never had an animal pass like this before. It's always been due to old age preplanned euthanasia so for him to be meowing 1 moment then the next just gone is hard for me to accept and I struggle with loss anyway. A me 'problem' though I understand.

I think in my mind I was thinking well rearrange the dentist appointment because that can be done anytime. This is my last moments with my beloved pet who I'll never see again. And I know I'd have done that if it was the other way around so I guess sort of feel that he'd do that for me.

I said yanbu because it sounds very much like this is the last straw of not being prioritised. I dont know how incapable his parents are but unless they are disabled they probably could have been dropped off at the appointment, he could have come to check on you and either they bus or taxi back or he collect them after if they really couldn't rearrange. I'd have done that for my partner or family if they needed me

Newmumatlast · 14/02/2026 12:10

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:21

Parents are early 60s and mobile, healthy enough to travel and do things unaided.

Sorry but early 60s makes me even more of the view yanbu. I really really do not understand people in their early 60s acting like old aged pensioners in this modern world. More than capable, absent any capacity issues, to make their own way to and from appointments. My parents are older and manage all that.. they even take our kids to things when we are busy. How will his parents manage when they are actually old?!

Francestein · 14/02/2026 12:20

Tell him that it’s empty words. He’s not capable of prioritizing his partner over his parents and having a grown up relationship.

Scarlettpixie · 14/02/2026 12:24

I am so sorry about your cat.

I think you are being unreasonable about the dental appointment. You are an independent woman and despite your loss was able to attend work training and do the school run. You were also able to take your cat to the crematorium and while this would have been hard (I have dealt with deceased pets myself), you did it. Support would have been nice but I would not have expected him to not take his parents tot he appointment. If you really wanted him there and assuming he could have been availible the next day, you could have waited.

All that aside. I could not be with a grown man who has an 8.30pm curfew!

IAmKerplunk · 14/02/2026 12:58

He obviously knows your dc as he has picked them up from school and looked after them when ill do why not invite him over this evening and suggest a takeaway and you can watch a film once dc are in bed? See if his actions match his words. You need to start looking at what he does not what he says.

Amiable · 14/02/2026 13:04

As a one off YABU, however you say you are often not his priority so it sounds like this is the straw the broke the camel’s back, in which case YANBU.

HellsBells13 · 14/02/2026 13:10

Blimey 😳 The lack of card and bracelet not even in a box. Did he even buy it and not snatch from what was hanging around...

Pandolly · 14/02/2026 13:11

It was in a box with the note tucked next to it.
I just took it out the box for the photo.

OP posts:
Economicsday · 14/02/2026 13:14

I really hope you see that you are a nice convenience for him OP.

This will never change.
Having to be home at 8.30pm to keep the peace?

How have you not got the ick?

BudgetBuster · 14/02/2026 13:33

Cat issue aside because you both thi know differently on that point. It's OK to disagree and you can see from this thread lots of people have different opinions on it.

You need to decide if this weird relationship is what you want for your life? 2 hours a few days a week, presumably he comes over for dinner then heads away. You're kids are always there. He doesn't want more.... if he did he'd make more time. Is this acceptable to you? If so, continue the relationship in the knowledge that this is it and that his parents are his priority. If not, cut loose.

A few hours a week probably doesn't so bad now because you have school aged kids but they will.soon grow up and you'll need more time with a partner.

Isthateveryonethen · 14/02/2026 14:05

Op I think you sound quite selfish really and ironic that it’s you blaming him of being that.
what made you SO certain that he could have rearranged the dentist appointment with such short notice.
You had a fixed appointment so why does that trump a fixed appointment for his parent? I think it’s irrelevant that you’re ND because that would not even make sense you trying to explain this.
if this is the type of example you’re giving of him being in the wrong here, then I think the problem is you.

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