To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

What you actually mean is you want to be nasty but cant because you will get banned. If it was honest you wanted to be then you've ticked that box, dont worry.

I completely understand pet bereavement. I’m a long time pet owner. I can just see that time sensitive appointments need to be prioritised over ones where time makes no difference.

I did have to go alone as I had no other option.
And yes I did the school run after with a red face and puffy eyes.

I'm ND so although it probably is strange for most people, I have much stronger bonds with animals than I do people and don't get these same feelings for human loss generally.
When I lost a close friend and my nan that was really bad though and for me losing animals is as painful as losing those people. I understand this isn't the same for everyone though but I guess what hurt was that my partner knows how deeply I love my animals and therefore I thought would understand the hurt I'd be feeling.

@Pandolly can I ask why you felt it was so urgent to get the cat to the crem today? I haven’t had a pet die at home, only in the vets, but friends who have haven’t done this. One arranged pick up which was a day or so later, one just couldn’t bear it immediately.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat 💐

they weren’t your ex partners appointments they were his parents and both would be hard to rearrange. So on this occasion I’m going to have to say you are unreasonable but also understand how you may feel let down.

Sorry about your cat, one of ours died completely suddenly in November last year and it was a shock for us all so I understand the pain you're in. But.....I'm afraid I feel you're being unreasonable to expect your partner to cancel all plans. In Scotland we get 1 dentist appointment a year so to cancel one on the day we would probably be waiting for months and months for another one.

Your DP had made plans to support his parents to access things which could not be cancelled, I think to dump him over this is a little mad.

I'd also like to say it's good he is helping his folks! I'm afraid aging parents don't just disappear once a man has a partner and he has to put her first in every single way.

It’s hard to say if I would expect this. We have dogs not cats but I know if one of our dogs died dh would be as devastated as I would be and take them to where ever they needed to be. If he had said he would take his dad to the dentist I think he would call him a taxi and pay for it so he could still get to the dentist.
If he couldn’t get out of going to the dentist we would discuss it, I can’t imagine him saying no can’t do that and that’s it. If he did it would hurt, because even if it was unreasonable for me to ask it would be nice to have a little understanding and a discussion.

Hey OP, I am also ND and a massive cat lover. My cats are everything to me. I know how you feel when you say you form closer bonds with them than other people, me too. I am so so sorry, I can imagine the heartbreak. I have lost them too soon in the past...

Very gently, you are over reacting in this one instance. I can absolutely feel why, not judgement on that from me. I'd be destroyed too. I would be the furthest thing from rational too.

Dentists appointments can be rearranged, but they were set to go today. They had their day planned. I think it's OK they still went. (also I'd hate to rearrange my dentist appointment last minute, personally, it's awful and takes me a lot to go so.. Possible maybe but not always a good idea for everyone).

But. But but but. It seems like the reason this got to you do much is because IT ALWAYS HAPPENS? You always feel second choice? And this time was just one time too many, even if in isolation it seems like you're overreacting... Maybe it's just a symptom of a bigger problem.

I'm so sorry about your kitty, so very sorry.

Is this a wind up post?! You ended a relationship because he wouldn't cancel a pre-arranged appointment for his elderly parent?!

Without further information, you sound line you're not emotionally ready for an adult relationship. You sound incredibly hard work.

It's by appointment only, and today I had training at work all morning.
I knew I'd find it hard waking up today with my cat still here to see in that way, and to try and get through my training knowing what was coming.
On this occasion it was something I needed to do the same day. Usually I actually keep my animals overnight to say a longer goodbye but as they have been euthanasias it's easier to arrange logistics.

Yes, I agree. I put people way ahead of animals. I'm an animal liker, not an animal lover.

OP, it’s irrelevant that it was your cat. What is relevant is that you needed him and he didn’t respond. Some on here won’t understand or will think “it’s just a cat”. It’s not it’s symbolic. You aren’t suited. Cast him back.

my deepest sympathies on the passing of your cat.

@Pandolly I'm sorry to say this but cant you see this is the same situation - you had training at work which you weren't able to cancel to take your cat to the crem and your partner had commitments he couldn't cancel to take the cat to the crem.

The hardest thing about a pets death is that everything keeps on going, you can't cancel or change things which you would be able to do had it been a person who died.

If this is the final straw for you then that is different, but if you're feeling sad and low because of this particular incident then please give yourself time to think things through before acting in a way you may regret.

I am so sorry about the loss of your cat. My condolences.

I think you were a little unreasonable in this instance, however, I do think that this sort of thing is going to happen over and over again because if he is enmeshed with his parents, then that won't go away. So it might be seen as a good thing that the passing of your cat spurred you into ending things rather than letting them drag on for another few years while you got more and more irritated with his desire to always put his parents first.

On this occasion I don't think he could have done anything differently, but variations of this situation are going to happen over again and you know where his real affections (or rather, his sense of obligation) lie.

Couldn’t he arrange a taxi for his parents dentist appointment? You needed emotional support, I’d be annoyed that he didn’t even consider being there for you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have pets so I know what it’s like to lose one. You will be very upset and you needed your partner.

Without knowing more details about his parents, it’s difficult to comment. Are they frail and unable to manage appointments? Do they drive? Do they have bus passes? Can they afford a taxi? Answers to these questions will inform us about whether they are ‘using’ the goodwill of your partner, a bit too much.

I've seen the 'you sound like hard work' phrase has been trotted out.🙄 I don't think OP is being hard work, she's just lost one of her companions very suddenly, and that sounds very painful. I was in bits when one of my mum's cats was PTS, even though I left home years before it happened, because I remember her being born when I was a teenager.

A pensioners dentist/hospital appointment is far more important than a dead cat. Sorry to be blunt but human trumps animal every time, especially if said animal is dead.

I don't want to derail this thread but I find it sad when people expect their partners to put them first over everyone and at all times. We all will probably have caring responsibilities at some point or need them ourselves. I think having a DH/P who does take his folks to things is a good thing even when it can be annoying in the moment. I'd hate to think that at some point on the future my DIL resents my son having to take me to something.

There may be much more to this situation and the partners actions may be a pattern which we don't know but I just feel sad that men should ditch their parents as soon as a long term partner is on the scene.

Do his parents have anyone else? Is he, perhaps, being pulled in two directions? Is it possible he feels that neither you nor his parents put him first?

He had to prioritize and he prioritized the living human, his parent, over the dead animal. It's not like he'd refused to cancel a squash game or a night out at the pub. I'd think twice before throwing away a man who shows a sense of responsibility towards the people closest to him.

Juat trying to answer some of the questions being asked.

Parents are not elderly/infirm. Capable of using a taxi and can afford it yes.

I do not ever expect to be put 1st every time. In fact I have been extremely patient and understanding over the course of our relationship so far. He has not yet spent the night as his mother would be upset about it if he did.
I never ask for much. I understand he has commitments which means we don't always get to spend a lot of time together some weeks. But on this occasion I'd hoped he'd understand I was going through something very painful to me and be there for me when I needed him.

In other ways it is the best relationship I've had. Communication is very good. We don't tend to argue, we discuss things. He's usually kind and understanding.
But his parents do tend to get their wants and needs met whereas I have to wait and be patient.

She is being hard work. OP had other options, but they withhold inconvenience her. She doesn't care about his parents, so she wanted them to be the ones who were.
She could have arranged for someone else to pick her child up and gone later, skipped her training and gone today, gone after training today.
I love my pets, but this wasn't urgent. The poor cat had already died. She just doesn't care about other people, her partner or his parents, and wants everything too revolve around her.

I think you're being a bit irrational. I'm sorry about your cat. I've lost pets and it's tough.
But you state that you had to go to the crem at that time because you had other commitments which you wouldn't cancel. Yet you expected your DH to cancel his commitments to elderly parents. And dentist/doctor/hospital appointments are hard to get and definitely not easy to cancel and rearrange especially at short notice. If it was that important to you and you needed him there then you could have rearranged your own plans and both gone at another time.
Unfortunately, whether a pet, family member or friend, life has to go on after bereavement however hard it affects you. And, it's very difficult. But sadly, we all go through it at some point and we just have to muddle through the best we can.

I have nobody else to collect my children unfortunately. I have no family around.
I work in a school and the training wasn't optional or something I could have moved as it was outside company coming in to teach the 1 day course.