To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

I think you are both being reasonable, in different ways. You both have reasons.

Heaven forbid, but if one of your parents was being cremated and he wanted to take the cat to the dentist instead- now that would be unreasonable.

And cry on the shoulder of the taxi driver during the cremation? It's not the same thing at all. Parents didn't need emotional support, OP did. It's the parents who should have got the taxi. OP should have got her partner's support. Except she didn't because he's an arse.

Fine to go about her day? Like what's her alternative, refuse to do the school run and let the school calls social services when she doesn't show up? Of course she had to carry on with the rest of her day even though she was upset!

You're being ridiculous.

I think that perhaps he has too many commitments for a relationship. Early onset dementia just means it usually developed before age 65 not that it is in mild or in early stages.
I think he goes home early to support his DM dealing with his DF. The confusion and frustration of dementia can be very difficult for the person suffering but also their loved ones.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

You had to be at the crem at a set time because you didn't want to disrupt your other plans, but you're mad at your dp for sticking to his plans, when these were part of his caring responsibilities.

If it was important to you that he was there, you needed to plan a time he could make.

Ok.

You are patiently waiting for your boyfriend to decide to stand up against his parents in favour of you.
But I think that is very unlikely. Sorry to be so blunt.

They are no doubt disappointed that he has taken up with a woman of a different culture who already has two children and don’t want him spending his time or family money on them. They will want him to marry a girl from a similar culture who understands that his priority is to them, and to have his own children, -their grandchildren.

They see you as short term and probably never give up chastising him daily for visiting you, whereas you see this as a developing relationship leading to something more permanent.

It’s a shock to lose your beloved cat in that way OP. And it’s probably an extra shock to realise that this relationship is going nowhere.

If he wanted to be with you he wouldn’t, at 30 years old, observe their 8.30pm curfew. He would be living his own life.
You won’t be successful at teaching him or convincing him, through all your talking things through, to see his parents in any other light.
He will always put them first.

It’s just the way it is and you have to let him go rather than live a life of waiting for him to put you first and a life of constant disappointment and hurt such as you suffered today when your cat died.

Just remember that it’s not because you aren’t good enough, -you sound really lovely, and it’s not because you've done anything wrong or that your expectations are too high. It’s simply a difference in culture.
I’m sorry you are hurting.

I'm sorry about your cat. It's very hard losing a much loved pet. I do think you were unreasonable wanting him to cancel taking his parents to their appointments the same day, even though you wanted him to come with you, you could have gone at a time that suited him if you needed him to come, unfortunately the timing would not change your situation but his parents would probably have to pay for cancellation so late and then rescheduling can be really annoying.

The relationship does sound complicated though, I wouldn't want a "partner" who wasn't allowed to stay because his Mum said no... So maybe it's not the right relationship for either of you anyway.

She's a grown woman. She chose the time of the appointment for the crematorium. She wouldn't cancel work to go later. She said that she couldn't go after the school run because it 30 mins away.

It's a cat... cry on the shoulders of the taxi man? Give me strength

I think in my mind I was thinking well rearrange the dentist appointment because that can be done anytime. This is my last moments with my beloved pet who I'll never see again. And I know I'd have done that if it was the other way around so I guess sort of feel that he'd do that for me.

I need to book dentist appointments months in advance. Also for some treatments, the dentist takes up front payments, and if you don’t show, they don’t refund you so you lose lots of money.

Someone could have taken a taxi here, either you could have got a taxi to your appt or his parents could have got a taxi to theirs.

It’s hard for us to judge because we don’t know who needed your boyfriend more. Only he knows who needed him more.

Having said that, this may have been the straw that broke the camel’s back for you, if you feel generally unsupported by him.

Do you offer him lifts?

I don't give him lifts as he prefers to drive himself. But yes I absolutely would accompany him or drive him to something he needed support with.
There was a time I knew he was having a really tough time and I just got a sense that he wasn't ok, I dropped everything, and drove over to him.

This isn't about him helping his parents. I have no issue with that. I've even offered to be there to help them when he's not able to.
I think for me it's that his parents wants and needs are always first no matter how small they are and none urgent they are. Thursday was a really hard day and I just needed him to be there and help me instead of me always having to navigate tough times alone.

Some one said I was fine to go about my day. That wasn't true. But the school run isn't something you can just reschedule and if I'd had anyone who could collect my children I would have asked them. Instead I had to go and stand in a busy playground looking and feeling like hell.

I don't want it to sound like I'm entitled. I've always said I never ever expect to always be first in his life. After all he knows my children come first. I've actively encouraged him to be there and support his mom when she's struggled. I'm not trying to take him away or ruin their relationship at all. But it's hugely frustrating when I'd like to just sit and watch a film but he can't because his mom keeps ringing to check if he's on the way home yet.

Alternatively, school rang once as one of my children were sick. I was an hour away at a meeting. I rang him and he went and collected my child for me and looked after them until I made it back.

I feel really hurt that he was ok to leave me to deal with my pain alone, and he knew I was in a bad way as I rang him. It makes me feel like he didn't care and my feelings wasn't a concern to him at all.

It was me who said you were fine to go.about your day... and I stand by that. You chose the time of the appointment, you could have gone later or earlier or the next day. You chose to go to work. I cannot fathom why you expect him to cancel.his ans (which are important) but you think yiur llans are too important to cancel or work.your appointment arojnd it. Collecting your kids on tough days is called parenting.

I understand you wanted him there to support you... but you sound like friends not like you are actually in a relationship. How much of a relationship can it be if you see him for a few hours a week with your kids around.

Like I've said... the relationship clearly isn't working for you. But the reason is not your cats appointment.

Firstly @Pandolly, I’m sorry to hear about your poor cat. That must have been incredibly hard for you.
I can see why you’re upset that he wasn’t there for you and it’s clear to see that this wasn’t an isolated incident.
He is far too enmeshed with his parents - his mother especially. Why on earth does he have to be home by 8.30pm when he’s a grown man in his 30’s and more importantly, why is he going along with that?!!!
It sounds as if this latest incident is the tip of a very precarious iceberg and I don’t blame you at all for dumping him. Who wants a man like that as a partner?
There are other grown ups out there!

I think for me it's that his parents wants and needs are always first no matter how small they are and none urgent they are.

That’s a good reason to break up with someone. He will never change. You come bottom in his list of priorities.

Did he expect you to drop things for him?

No he didn't ask me to drop anything but I recognised that he needed support quite badly so I made that choice to go and be there.

Regarding the 'curfew' (which sounds as ridiculous as it is), when we have discussed this before, he says it's not worth the hassle when he gets home and all the questions so he juat goes home for 8.30 to keep them quiet. I have explained that he should put his foot down as an adult and explain gently to his parents that he will be home when he's good and ready but he won't.

He says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and I'm the love of his life and he talks about the future as 'us' and 'we' but then I feel like he comes to see me when it's convenient for him ect.

He's genuinely not a bad person and when he is present, he's caring, kind, gentle, listens ect.

@Pandolly

This isn't about him helping his parents. I have no issue with that. I've even offered to be there to help them when he's not able to.
I think for me it's that his parents wants and needs are always first no matter how small they are and none urgent they are. Thursday was a really hard day and I just needed him to be there and help me instead of me always having to navigate tough times alone.

His curfew aside, it absolutely is about him helping his parents.

His dad had a fall. He has (early) dementia. His parents had pre-arranged appointments, which by your own admission, you know are often hard to get these days.

He's done nothing wrong by prioritising his parents. Any sane person would do the same.

And if he had cast all that aside to sit with you and mourn a cat, not even a human - imagine if his dad had another fall etc - he would pin that on you, wouldnt he?

What possible "help" could he have given you? You can get another cat.

He cannot get another set of parents.

A great deal of incompatibility, but I would never demonise someone who puts their parent(s) ahead of another human, let alone a replaceable animal.

Its clear yours and his pathways head in different directions.

Somebody doesn’t need to be a bad person to make a break up justifiable. He can be a lovely man - just not the right lovely man for you. You have different lifestyles and priorities and you’re looking for different things from a relationship. Talking about “us” and “we” is easy, it’s a nice fantasy that he doesn’t have the capacity or enough impetus to actually commit to.

Sorry but you definitely went overboard. He had prior commitments he couldn’t cancel. And yes you could have driven or taken a taxi yourself. It’s pretty selfish to think your appointment takes priority over a dentist appointment. Would you have paid the fine for them if he cancelled because my dentist charges £50 for an appointment cancelled on the day. His parents will always rightly so come over priority wise against your animals. They aren’t kids

Blood hell, he sounds like a right wet lettuce! He’s in his 30’s ffs and going home like a 15 year old because mummy tells him to?! You’re well rid I’d say.

The relationship seems way more than him not supporting the OP with her cat now.

@Pandolly hownstly op I can see how you have got to where you are .
I do think it was unreasonable to ask him to cancel the dentist appointment. He could have been with you as soon as he could possibly drop his parents back home .

However this is just the icing on the cake and highlights the on going issues between you both .
I think you should stay finished . You have different views on what you what and expect .

Sorry for your loss.
you are being massively unreasonable.
of course he prioritised taking his parents to medical appointments.
i would never consider cancelling taking my parents to medial appointments because my new partner of 18 months cat did.

what disrespect to parents sorry.

Does he work op?

Maybe so . However why would anyone date someone who was “allowed out” for two hours per night and a 8.30 pm curfew.

op is better of without him.

He has just been round and given me this.

I don’t think this relationship is for you op, your partner only sees you for 6 hours a week! And a grown man has to be home by 8:30! If his dad is ill, this is only going to ramp up in future when the mum becomes more needy and clingy to her son. You will never see him! Hes too enmeshed and doesn’t seem to want to change. Id bow out now.