To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

Your reasoning makes sense though... what's the OPs partners reasoning? She us the one eith kids to look out for, not him.

He runs off home because he doesn't want an earful from mummy! He won't spend weekends with the OP, because he spends it with his parents.

I'd completely agree with you if the OP said he hadn't spent a night at her wishes but that isn't the case.

I am married to a man with a child and although easier as my stepson goes between 2 homes equally so we always had some nights together, I understand that where kids are involved relationships and especially initial dating is just different. A lot of my weekends were spent at softplay while my friends were off on romantic hotel.stays with their significant others.

The impression I get from the OPs partners actions are that he just wants a companion every now and then.... and I think she wants and deserves more.

I agree. That’s why I don’t understand the consensus here that she has over reacted. He literally gives her
nothng ever and prioritises perfectly capable adults over this partner. She absolutely has done the right thing in ending it as far as I’m concerned!!!

Doesn't spend the night, has a half eight curfew and can only see you for two hours at a time a few evenings during the week? He sounds married to be honest. All this running around for medical appointments and supermarket runs, does he work?

I don't think this man wants a relationship OP, and whether or not you were overreacting to end the relationship because of your pet, you are better off out of it. I'm sorry about your cat, I hope you and your DC are okay.

Im so sorry for the shock of finding your wee cat dead. Im a cat lover my self. However im afraid this comes with a caveat. Parents before cats! It is your cat. It's his parents. Eventually you can choose to have another cat. Your partner only has one set of parents.
Look at it this way. If he was the type of man who could neglect his parents ,then ultimately he could do likewise to you. I think you have made a mistake ending things. However its your choice to make!

I potentially don't think you're being unreasonable, if the parent could have taken a taxi to the dentist, for example. I would also be concerned as he appears to have a history of not being supportive. I am very sorry about your cat. Pets are part of the family and you must be devastated xx

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Having just ended my relationship of 14 years..do it now before you get further in. In hindsight there were always red flags for me but I chose to ignore them. It isn't just this one incident thats the problem, it's the bigger picture of what it symbolises for you.

I’m sorry your cat died.

I think you’ve massively over reacted with your boyfriend though.

You aren’t unreasonable to end the relationship for any reason. He can’t make you the centre of his universe because he has aging parents he’s very kindly taking care of. I would personally think less of him if he wasn’t.

Your beloved cat is not more important that his living parents. It’s sad for you - not for him.

Regardless of what it was, you are better off without him. You barely had a relationship and a man child needing to be home to mummy at 8:30pm is pathetic.

A cheap and nasty bracelet isn’t going to change his behaviour. A note isn’t there for you.

Darling my deepest condolences for your loss. It brought me back memories of a similar loss of my little pet and I totally relate that more than ever you'd want your partner with you in that very moment.

We have two issues here, you don't feel prioritised, and the second is related to this episode.

Like most, I agree and think he couldn't leave doctors appointments behind.

However how he reacted to your grief is very important.
Did he make you feel supported and understood or he was annoyed?

How he reacts when he cannot help you I think makes the difference between a bad moment and a relationship problem.

Also parents are important as long as your other half always makes you feel that you don't come second. If it's a recurring issue you need to carefully examine if he's really fulfilling your ideal of relationship and discuss it with him to make sure he's on the same page in terms of a couple should work.

Don't feel guilty to ask because it's your life and you deserve to have a relationship matching your ideals, not what other people think it's reasonable.

We are all different and what matters to you might not be the same for another, so i believe that it's up to you to decide when it's too much.

As per this episode I think you have been a little too emotional but I totally empathise with your loss. What matters is if he made you feel he was sorry not to be there.

OP you sound like a caring and loving person. I think you deserve better than the crumbs this man throws you. Please raise your bar and assert yourself. X

As a massive cat lover myself, I completely understand how you're feeling and I'm so sorry for your loss. It really is a big difference between losing a young, seemingly healthy cat versus euthanasia of an elderly animal. It's a huge shock because you've had no time for goodbyes, so you have shock on top of grief.

Your parter is, unfortunately, a Mama's boy. I'm not trying to be rude by calling him that, but it's the truth. I have an elderly mother (Dad passed three years ago) so I understand responsibilities when it comes to caring for her. But my mother understands that my brother and I also have lives and, outside of emergencies, doesn't expect us to drop everything to be with her.

Your partner's parents are being completely manipulative and unreasonable. And he needs to get his balls out of his mother's purse and stand up to them. If he REALLY wants to be with you, he'll find it in himself to push back on their ridiculous manipulation and start behaving like an adult himself.

As an animal lover, losing a pet can be as traumatic as losing a person. I absolutely get where you're coming from. You ask absolutely nothing of your partner (from what you've told us) and when you obviously needed him, he still gave you nothing. I was married to a man like this - not once did I ever come first in his life. It's not worth being with someone like that. It's called a "partnership" for a reason.

Again, I'm so sorry about about your little kitty.

I’m in my late 60s, still work, and I certainly don’t need anyone to take me to the dentist. If his parents are healthy and could’ve got a cab or other transport then he should have been with you.

Nobody demanded others "falling apart". Being there for someone you care about at a time of need is pretty much a given that any decent partner, friend, or even acquaintance would do. Another (capable and not infirm) adult's routine dentist appointment is a woefully silly excuse.

In your opinion right? And we don’t all have to think like you. I personally don’t think wanting to be there for your parents is an awful thing.

The bigger issue is not the cat, it’s the fact she feels second best to his parents constantly.

You are emotional, and that is probably leading to the overreaction. If he was just hanging at his parents, yes I could understand your point of view, but medical appointments are important and not always easy or able to be rearranged. I understand your devastation (I have lost pets as well), but I think this was a over reaction based on past grievances and grief.

Hi honey. I have 4 cats. They are my world. It sounds like this is deeper. Hes been making you a 2nd priority for a long time. You were in crisis and he abandoned you. He wounded you when you were at your lowest. You now have this to add to your grief. He could have done a lot more. You are right to feel upset. Youre feelings are valid honey. He ignored your pain and distress. As for ending things- men are not naturally emotional, they are logical, they are wired different. They dont connect or communicate like us. He may not have seen the significance. I would tell him, I was in crisis and I felt like I really needed your support to feel some form of stability. When you didn't acknowledge this and didnt support me, I felt even more pain than I was already in. See what he says. If he approaches it with kindness and compassion that's a light bulb. If he ignores it and makes excuses, youre going to be treated the same way in the next crisis. You can choose if you want to be with him based on his response. Sending all my love x

I dont think he is the man for you.

I appreciate those who have taken the time to respectfully give their views on this, and also appreciate that I was acting irrationally due to the sudden shock I found myself in.

He dropped the bracelet off yesterday morning.
Then in the afternoon he rang inviting me round to his with my children.
I had a very honest talk to him and he acknowledged how losing my boy suddenly is extremely devastating to me. He apologised and said HE wishes he'd booked a taxi and came to me instead.

Anyway, when I got to his he sat me and his parents down and told them how i make him feel and I'm important to him and told his parents they need to essentially back off.
He even told them he should have been there on Thursday for me.
I must admit I'm really surprised and never expected that at all.
He got food and fed my children and it was actually a nice couple of hours.

Honestly the last few days have been a lot. I think I just need a day or so to decompress.
I'm hopefully picking my boys ashes up tomorrow or early in the week which will be hard.

But I genuinely appreciate those who kindly helped me see through my emotions.
This isn't just a cat. He came before my children. Was my companion as I lived alone. Moved house with me. So no it's not just a cat and losing him like this has been really horrible.
I feel sad for those of you who seem angry that a person can have so much love for an animal as you are missing out.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You are clearly, and understandably, emotionally fragile. I would expect your partner to listen and be supportive, but not to ditch obligations to his parents to drive you.

I think this thread should be held up as an example of the 'Read All the OPs Posts before Replying'

I hope you're doing better today, OP. Do you have a lovely place in mind for your cat's ashes to lie?

How did his parents respond op? Does that mean he will be round for the whole evening in the next couple of days?

Hope your dc are ok too about the cat - losing a pet is hard 💐

Gosh that’s quite the outcome OP. I do hope he is able to follow through and his parents are able to respect his relationship with you. Look after yourself. But just remember if he drifts back to old habits you need to call it a day for your own sake.

I think your days circumstances are irrelevant. Whilst being very sad. I'm a cat mum too ❤️
The point is your DP in every instance chooses his parents. I don't think you should be blaming his mum.
He chose not to support you.
He chooses to go home at 8.30pm.
He chooses not to spend weekends with you.
It's now your choice if this is good enough.

My children are ok. One is more upset than the other over losing our cat. We have other pets at home which are keeping us busy.

I'm going to tentatively wait and see if my partner actually sticks to his words. I said it's all well and good saying the right things but actions speak louder. We will see. I hope he does because when we are together we have a great relationship, communication ect.