To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

They obviously do need looking after though don’t they if he is needing to take them to hospital and dentist appointments. I’m sure he isn’t taking them for the fun of it.

OP stated ‘Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about’. He doesn’t need to choose between his parents or his partner. Supporting your parents doesn’t automatically make your partner a doormat. She had just had a terrible shock and is understandably upset and like she said tired. But her cat has gone, his parents still needed taking to their appointments.

He says his mom is his life ect and that's lovely and I hope my children love me as much when they are adults

I am late 60s and I would be horrified if my Dc felt they needed to come home at 8.30 to keep me quiet, and I would never ever presume to occupy a weekend day if they had other plans, and would only expect them to take me to hospital if it was a complete emergency and I couldn't get myself there!

I KNOW my Dc love me and would do all they could to support me, as I do them - but I would view the relationship your partner / ex partner has as unhealthy or controlling.

He talks to you of the future - but how does he envisage a future? His parents needs and therefore demands will only get more insistent.

So there is not future for you two as a couple.

He needs to be honest and realistic with himself. And you.

Presumably the partners home life is different to normal though. He lived independently and moved home to get his Father sober (so presumably the mother was having a hard time)... he works.in the family business that was failing and now his father has dementia.

I would assume that actually the mother isn't isn't putting pressure on him, rather he knows that the homelife will get messy if he doesn't stick to somewhat of a routine.

Maybe it's not healthy... but the OP has known this and gone along with it for 18 months.

I would assume that actually the mother isn't isn't putting pressure on him

Oh it sounds as though she very much is.

OP in the cold light of day yes you probably were unreasonable in this instance. But if it was the catalyst for binning him off I'm all for it. He has to be in by 8.30, can't stay over, you can't have a day out because mummy suddenly wants a day out with him and he doesn't say no?

I'd return the bracelet with a suggestion that he gives it to his mother because he's given it to the wrong woman. She's obviously the number one woman in his life.

It actually doesn't though 😂
It sounds like the OPs partner just wants a friend not a relationship and he's perfectly happy going home to his parents.

If he wanted more... he'd have more.

You wanted your bf to rearrange hard to come by medical appointments when you should have the means to do it yourself ? Sounds like a you problem

By appointment? Then you should have rearranged your appointment . No offence but a living person takes precedence over someone dead . If you didn’t have a partner what the fuck would you have done ? Oh yeah made an appointment you could actually attend !

I cried for weeks over both my cats passing away and I'm so sorry for your loss but some people just don't feel the same way with animals as we do xx

I’m sorry about your cat, it must have been a huge shock and very distressing. But you sound very selfish and it’s all about you. There is an opportunity to reflect on how you have handled this situation because you seem to want it all your way. The cat may have meant the world to you but maybe he feels the same about his parents.

No matter who died... a cat, a parent, the cleaner, the kids had to be picked up. The OP has to continue to parent. She went to work. She wouldn't just go to the crematorium later. She got on with the day, crying or not.

That's life.

Having read this bit, I think you should dump him. You are never going to be No.1 in his life @Pandolly

Hand him a big pair of scissors to cut the apron strings.

Fully agree with this. They are perfectly capable of getting a taxi. They're early 60s. Not 80odd. OP has said they live independently
You will never be number 1
Mum will always come first.

I voted that you overreacted, but reading the rest of your comments, I can see why. This was really important to you and you thought that for once, you might come first. But you didn't.

Reading your your update that he has to be home by 8.30 and only comes for a few hours a few times a week, I'm struggling to see how this is even a relationship. How are you ever intimate?! Do you never go anywhere together? I'll be honest, I think he's using the parents as an excuse. And i don't think he's ever going to change. So if this is the push you need to end it, then go for it. You can do better.

Your description of him could also be of a kindly neighbour. It sounds to me that because of your ND you have found it difficult to find a sympathetic soul that you can share your life with. He's definitely putting his parents before you and that they are jealous of you and unwilling to share. I think you should extract yourself from this relationship as he'll never be a true partner to you and put your needs first. Somehow?? try and find a more suitable mate. You sound a very giving person expecting little in return but also whilst he's in the picture you wouldn't be able to start any other more suitable relationships.

@Pandolly "No, his father although is getting confused more often, is still able to walk fine unaided, make his own food and drink, bathe and dress himself.
So not needing help with normal day to day tasks."

OP, I think this is probably very relevant to the question of taking him to the dentist. My partner is in a similar state: he masks it pretty well in front of outsiders, including medical professionals, but I always go to the dentist/doctor with him because by the time he is out of the surgery door, he has completely forgotten any advice or instructions he was given. (Sometimes he has also forgotten that he has been to the doc/dentist!) I would dearly love a third pair of ears present.

He has a wife who is perfectly capable by the sound of it

Not going with me to a crematorium would annoy me, but probably not to the point of breaking up. However, his spending weekends with his parents, driving them everywhere, and having to be home at 8.30 pm would ring alarm bells. His mum seems to have made him the centre of her life and is entirely dependent on him. I have encountered people like this, and it is hard to get someone to change if they have been like this for 30+ years.

If she relies this much on him now, you need to think about what she will be like in the future when her husband becomes more ill or passes away. My parents and my partners are older than that, and the only times we have given them lifts are when they are drinking with friends, going to the airport, or when they are having a general anaesthetic and need to be collected. My mum would be baffled if I was bringing her to dentists and doctors. Personally, I would give him an ultimatum: he must move out of his mum's house and start spending some weekend days and the occasional overnight with you. If not, you are effectively in a teenage-style relationship with curfews.

And so am I, up to a point. But unless I write everything down, by the time we have walked the 10-15 minutes home I have been wittered at for so long that my own brain has started to go to mush. If you're lucky, you will never find this out for yourself.

<on edit> I do not, however, seek "support" from his sodding children, who make matters worse!

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry. I found one of my cats had died suddenly about 2 weeks ago and it really is traumatic. I'm sure you weren't acting normally and were in total shock. Unless someone has been through it they can't imagine how much of a shock it is when your cat is fine one minute and dead the next.

Jesus Christ, don't try to give sympathy by telling someone they are selfish and by saying sorry but.... What a nasty POS you are

I'm so sorry about your cat, what a horrible shock.
I think the problem here is feeling second best. Are his parents old, infirm, or are they just being demanding on his time for no reason?

it’s a cat not a person, get some perspective. It was written like her mum had died and then we realise it’s just a cat! What more do you want? Should we all fall apart over a cat?!?

I have 2 cats , A 15 year old lab retriever since she was 8 weeks old .
I’m sorry your cat passed OP , however you are being completely unreasonable being honest imo .