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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
tuvamoodyson · 14/02/2026 19:38

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:20

I hadn't even considered the fee may still be payable. I know it's private dentist.

It's why I came here to help me see things clearer.

I get charged at my dentist if I don’t give more than 24 hours notice, I’m sorry you’re upset about your cat but YABU.

Cosyblankets · 14/02/2026 19:41

Gonners · 14/02/2026 19:13

And so am I, up to a point. But unless I write everything down, by the time we have walked the 10-15 minutes home I have been wittered at for so long that my own brain has started to go to mush. If you're lucky, you will never find this out for yourself.

<on edit> I do not, however, seek "support" from his sodding children, who make matters worse!

Edited

So his wife can write it down.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/02/2026 19:41

Zerosleep · 14/02/2026 19:35

it’s a cat not a person, get some perspective. It was written like her mum had died and then we realise it’s just a cat! What more do you want? Should we all fall apart over a cat?!?

For some of us, it's just the woman who gave birth to us/beat, neglected and abused us, compared to a beautiful, graceful/clumsy, elegant, affectionate, warm, comforting companion who was never any less than delighted to see us and be with us.

Which one is the greater loss then?

Just a cat, my arse.

Pamcakey · 14/02/2026 19:43

No, I’m with you 100%.

I lost my horse a couple of years ago suddenly - she had to be euthanised as she broke her leg in the field. I found her in the morning like that and immediately had to get the vet to come put her to sleep.

It was a Tuesday and my partner took a couple of days off work, if not the whole week. I was a mess for months to be honest. She sorted the collection for me, cleaned the place up, sorted everything. Whilst I was inside vomiting with shock. I’ll always be grateful that she dealt with that so I didn’t have to see it.

That horse was my life, all my hopes and dreams and future plans combined. If she had been out taking someone to a dentist appointment and not come back to help, it would have been over.

Maybe it’s a bit different - I find your life revolves around horses more than cats and dogs (I have all three) but it left me with PTSD and I still have flashbacks now. It was the worst day of my life. The shock and suddenness was unbearable.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 14/02/2026 19:44

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 20:09

Just to add, I rang him at 9am, the dentist appointment was at 12.30. So it wasn't last minute as in half hour notice. The dentist is 5 mins away by car.
The parents often go for walks/walk to the shop so they're not unable to get around easily.

He will always put his parents before you. Whether he is right or wrong, that's what will always happen

AltitudeCheck · 14/02/2026 19:47

I think if you made the crem appointment to suit your plans for the day and your preferences without checking with him if he would be available to go with you then it's not unreasonable for him to say he already has commitments that he can't reasonably rearrange with just a few hours notice. I understand you were upset and not thinking clearly but I do think you were unreasonable on this occasion. If you could keep it together enough to do the training and the school run then he might reasonably concluded that you would (and did) manage to go to the crematorium without him.

I think though you had already got into a situation where you were resigned to him not giving you time / attention (8.30pm curfew?!?!) and this has just highlighted that issue very intensely at an emotional time.

TigerlillyViper · 14/02/2026 19:52

I have cats and have had them die and it's awful, so you have my sympathies. But the thing is, the world doesnt stop. The cat is gone, so its not an emergency. Now if the cat was suffering and needed an immediate vet visit and he refused, THEN Id say youd be justified in ending things. It sounds like his involvement with his parents is way too much though, so I really think that the ultimatum was merited but not based on this incident. His parents need to find other transportation, his first priority is supposed to be you.

JustMeAndTheFish · 14/02/2026 19:53

I lost a terribly needy aged parent in October.
My last, sweet and 18 year old cat died last April and he was never interested enough to ask.
He expected me to ask how high when he said jump. So no. I’m with you OP.
If they expect this service from your partner now, what will they be like in in their 90s?

Amiacoolorwarmcolour · 14/02/2026 20:03

I think it’s very hard to rearrange a dentist appointment but, his parent isn’t elderly. They could have gotten a bus/taxi from the dentist.
On balance if it was my partner who had ring and asked me to take them to the vets I absolutely would have done. No way would I have said no, take your dead pet yourself.
I think reading through your posts op, you have done the right thing. He sounds like he is tied to the apron strings.

MorecambeandUnwise · 14/02/2026 20:10

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

YABU. His live parents are a lot more important than your dead cat.

saffy2 · 14/02/2026 20:13

Why couldn’t his parents get a taxi?!
i genuinely don’t understand the consensus here at all.
it is not normal to prioritise your
parents over your partner, nor is it normal for adult children to have to take their parents to every single appointment they have. Yes it
is nice to, but if something crops up I think it’s more normal to say sorry x needs me and she’s my life partner and priority, really sorry but you’ll have to make your own way to the dentist.
i don’t understand why he couldn’t have done that. And in a pattern of him prioritising his parents over you, I don’t think you’ve overreacted. I don’t think it necessarily has to stay the end, but I think given he thinks you’re being selfish I think it probably will be. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t ask his parents to grab a taxi when my pet had just died!!! I can’t believe so many on here would just be fine with this tbh.
im really sorry about your cat. ❤️

TwoBagsOfCompost · 14/02/2026 20:17

I've skimmed the thread so have probably missed things.

Couldn't parent have got a taxi to dentist?!

100% YANBU OP.

Can't believe the results of the poll. And can't believe your partner not being with you to support you at such a horrible time for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

He sounds like he is a bit enmeshed with his parents. If you're already noticing that you're rarely the priority and his parents always come first, then it's clear that this wasn't a one off.

Only you know if you can communicate this to him and explain your feelings, and if that would make any difference. Overall YANBU. Such situations rarely improve but sometimes they do. Best of luck.

croydon15 · 14/02/2026 20:19

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/02/2026 16:36

Sad about your cat, but those appointments were more important.

You are bu, dentist appointments are not always easy to rearrange, my dentist needs 48 hours cancellation notice and charge in advance. Let's face it nobody goes to the dentist for fun, l certainly don't.

saffy2 · 14/02/2026 20:22

croydon15 · 14/02/2026 20:19

You are bu, dentist appointments are not always easy to rearrange, my dentist needs 48 hours cancellation notice and charge in advance. Let's face it nobody goes to the dentist for fun, l certainly don't.

My mum is the same age as ops boyfriends parents. I live 300 miles away. She takes herself to the dentist, and doctors, and
hospital and everywhere else she needs to go. Why does the boyfriend being elsewhere to support his partner through a traumatic event even mean the dentist has to be rearranged at short notice?! 🤷🏽‍♀️

BudgetBuster · 14/02/2026 20:22

saffy2 · 14/02/2026 20:13

Why couldn’t his parents get a taxi?!
i genuinely don’t understand the consensus here at all.
it is not normal to prioritise your
parents over your partner, nor is it normal for adult children to have to take their parents to every single appointment they have. Yes it
is nice to, but if something crops up I think it’s more normal to say sorry x needs me and she’s my life partner and priority, really sorry but you’ll have to make your own way to the dentist.
i don’t understand why he couldn’t have done that. And in a pattern of him prioritising his parents over you, I don’t think you’ve overreacted. I don’t think it necessarily has to stay the end, but I think given he thinks you’re being selfish I think it probably will be. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who couldn’t ask his parents to grab a taxi when my pet had just died!!! I can’t believe so many on here would just be fine with this tbh.
im really sorry about your cat. ❤️

But I think it's obvious they aren't life partners.... they see eachother for.amybe 6 hours a week with her kids in tow (understandable on OPs side so I'm absolutely not judging) and he is running home early so they do t have much (if any) alone time. He has never spent the night...

It's the strangest relationship I've heard sof in a long while. I would describe it as a friendship at best.

TwoBagsOfCompost · 14/02/2026 20:27

"He has not yet spent the night as his mother would be upset about it if he did"

Omg.

OP is he Greek?!

Not being a bigot, I'm Greek and a lot of what OP wrote was painfully familiar.

If he's Greek and in his thirties that's his family dynamics with his parents... Run.

Zerosleep · 14/02/2026 20:28

And to some of us it’s just a cat. Different perspectives are fine, we are allowed to think differently.

Barnbrack · 14/02/2026 20:32

No, if my pet dropped dead I wouldn't expect my husband to leave his parent stranded for a pre planned dental or hospital trip.

Our pets are joint pet though so I'd expect him to help with practical plans or at least to chat the practicalities through.

My cat died who I had before we moved in together and I definitely expected sympathy which I got but not to drop everything

Viviennemary · 14/02/2026 20:47

I think your partner was right to prioritise his parents over your cat. If you can't see this it's probably better for you both that you call it a day.

Flukingflukes · 14/02/2026 21:07

Viviennemary · 14/02/2026 20:47

I think your partner was right to prioritise his parents over your cat. If you can't see this it's probably better for you both that you call it a day.

His parents aren’t frail, they are early 60s. The amount they rely on their son is ridiculous.

croydon15 · 14/02/2026 21:14

Shellythesnail2333 · 14/02/2026 11:02

I don’t think this relationship is for you op, your partner only sees you for 6 hours a week! And a grown man has to be home by 8:30! If his dad is ill, this is only going to ramp up in future when the mum becomes more needy and clingy to her son. You will never see him! Hes too enmeshed and doesn’t seem to want to change. Id bow out now.

I have put that you are bu regarding the cat/dentist incident but the 8.30 curfew and not staying over when he wants to would be enough to end the relationship, the relationship is too dominated by his parents

saffy2 · 14/02/2026 21:37

BudgetBuster · 14/02/2026 20:22

But I think it's obvious they aren't life partners.... they see eachother for.amybe 6 hours a week with her kids in tow (understandable on OPs side so I'm absolutely not judging) and he is running home early so they do t have much (if any) alone time. He has never spent the night...

It's the strangest relationship I've heard sof in a long while. I would describe it as a friendship at best.

My partner and I saw each other for one evening a week, sometimes less for many years. I was a single parent with no support network nearby. He also rarely if ever spent the night because I didn’t want my child meeting him to begin with.
we have now been together for 14 years, we own a house together and have added 2 more children to our family. We are life partners.
just because you don’t understand a relationship doesn’t mean it’s less of a relationship than yours.

saffy2 · 14/02/2026 21:38

Barnbrack · 14/02/2026 20:32

No, if my pet dropped dead I wouldn't expect my husband to leave his parent stranded for a pre planned dental or hospital trip.

Our pets are joint pet though so I'd expect him to help with practical plans or at least to chat the practicalities through.

My cat died who I had before we moved in together and I definitely expected sympathy which I got but not to drop everything

Stranded?!
This thread is absolutely batshit 😂🙈

IAmKerplunk · 14/02/2026 21:39

saffy2 · 14/02/2026 21:37

My partner and I saw each other for one evening a week, sometimes less for many years. I was a single parent with no support network nearby. He also rarely if ever spent the night because I didn’t want my child meeting him to begin with.
we have now been together for 14 years, we own a house together and have added 2 more children to our family. We are life partners.
just because you don’t understand a relationship doesn’t mean it’s less of a relationship than yours.

What you and your now dp decided to do is a bit different from a grown man who has a curfew of 830 and isn’t allowed to go on sleepovers.

kittykitten · 14/02/2026 21:43

i would end it. Sounds bad but if he couldn’t support me over this then I wouldn’t want him. Not just a cat 😢