To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

Horrible situation for you but you over reacted. I can't be honest here because MN will ban me. Maybe sit down and have an adult conversation with him.

Yes, sorry, I think you were being unreasonable. Dentist appointments actually aren’t that easy to rearrange and you didn’t need to make your journey with any urgency.

Sorry about your cat, though 💐

I'm so sorry about your cat, its so difficult to lose a much loved pet 💐

On this issue alone I think you acted in haste. There was no urgency to get your cat to the crem, and he had appointments all day, which aren't easy to rearrange.

It sounds like it's part of a pattern though, so, although yabu about this, it probably feels like the final straw to you, which is completely understandable.

I’m so sorry about your cat. I’m also a huge cat lover and appreciate how devastating it is when they die.

I still think YABU. Perhaps give it a bit of time and look on it again. His parents will have been depending upon him and if it’s an NHS dentist, they might not have got another appointment for cancelling or not attending and needed to find another practice instead. I have a private dentist and they would have charged me for the cancelled appointment with that little notice. Realistically, you could have taken your cat to the crematorium a little later in the day.

It sounds as though you feel generally that he doesn’t prioritise you, and that this is unlikely to change due to his relationship with his parents. It’s fine to end a relationship where there’s something that’s making you unhappy where that something is unlikely to change.

I wouldn’t expect somebody, even a partner, to cancel arrangements they’d already agreed with somebody to take them to booked medical or dental appointment and leave them in the lurch, though.

It's okay ro end things because you don't feel like the priority.
I'm so sorry about your cat.

You all sound unreasonable tbh… is this a taking time of work for all of this?

Sorry about your cat OP

I think yabu about expecting him to drop everything. Has he otherwise been supportive and empathetic?

So sorry for your loss and having lost a cat I know how devastating this is (mine was euthanised) however I do think you are being unreasonable expecting him to cancel taking his parents to their appointment. and were hasty in finishing with him. If you feel able to I’d have a conversation with him exactly how you feel and how it goes.

Condolences on your cat but gently you are being really unreasonable.
You can’t just arrange dentist appointments, I know mine is booked up 4-6 months in advance.
I’m a massive animal lover, worked in the animal care industry and have many pets of my own.
I have been in your exact shoes with 2 cats that had been involved in RTA’s in my adult life and they had somehow made it home.
Both times I was on my own and I picked them up, wrapped them in a towel and popped them in their cat carrier to transport them to the pet crematorium when I was calmer.
I rang my DH both times, the first time we hadn’t been together that long as I was upset but I didn’t ask he leave work or drop what he was doing. He came with me both times to drop them off when it was convenient for us both to take them.
I think once the shock has worn off you will probably see that you couldn’t expect him to refuse to take his parent to a pre arranged dental check.
Only you know if being with someone who helps their parents so much is going to be too much for you, and if it is it’s best to end it now.

It's your perogative to end the relationship if you don't feel prioritised.

You absolutely are being unreasonable in this scenario. He was taking his parents to pre-booked medical and dental appointments... not out for a coffee. That's not pandering to them.... that's him being a kind son. Waiting until he came home probably wouldn't have caused you or your cat any additional issues. It's obviously a sad situation, but it doesn't warrant the reaction of dumping him IMO.

However, if you think you need that level of attention, then that's what you want from a relationship so I'm not sure this would ever work out so probably best ending it now for both your sakes.

I can see both sides as I totally understand that your partner not being around during a difficult time can make you feel very alone. However, he had pre-existing plans in the form of medical/dental appointments he’d agreed to help his parents with so I do think you’ve been rash and overreacted due to heightened emotion. Had it been because he was going to the pub or the gym I’d have taken ill view and expected him to cancel, but in this situation I think it was a lose lose for him.

I'm a huge animal lover too, OP, and if DH didn't come home to support me if one of our animals died suddenly to help someone else out, he'd be out the door. You needed him more than his parents did at that moment.

You put animals before people but you can't accept that some people put people before animals. Yet you expect him to prioritise you ( a person) but you have to be the only person he prioritises. Leave the man alone and find someone that will pander to you.

Had it been because he was going to the pub or the gym I’d have taken ill view and expected him to cancel, but in this situation I think it was a lose lose for him.

Agree. I do think you’re being unreasonable here.

I am so sorry about your cat 💐💐

No, she didn’t meed him more. Emotionally, maybe, and I’d want compassion, but I terms of what he was doing - he was helping parents with time critical transport as opposed to taking a cat to the crem which can easily happen later or tomorrow.

YANBU my partner dropped everything when my beloved dog died lots of people feel bereaved when this happens I suggest you don’t seek help here not everyone understands these feelingsI found this site helpful https://www.theralphsite.com/

Sad about your cat, but those appointments were more important.

YABU. Dentist appointments can be changed, but there might be a long wait until the next available slot. There might have been a charge for cancelling at such short notice. Presumably cat cremations can also be changed?

It looks like the thoughts are that I'm being ridiculous.
I appreciate everyone being kindly honest. It can be hard to see clearly sometimes and I know that a huge thing for me is my animals hence wanting to ask outside views.

I had to take my cat at a specific time as it's by appointment so as to ensure the little chapel of rest there is free for each family that wants to use it. Then I had the school run at 3pm. The crem is half hour away so I didn't have time to go later.

I've never had an animal pass like this before. It's always been due to old age preplanned euthanasia so for him to be meowing 1 moment then the next just gone is hard for me to accept and I struggle with loss anyway. A me 'problem' though I understand.

I think in my mind I was thinking well rearrange the dentist appointment because that can be done anytime. This is my last moments with my beloved pet who I'll never see again. And I know I'd have done that if it was the other way around so I guess sort of feel that he'd do that for me.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. I came home to find our cat had passed away, he was lying in the sun on the dining room floor. He was very elderly, and sort of expected, but we'd had him 18 years and it still broke my heart a little bit. DH came straight home, and helped me bury him in the garden.

I don't think there is a lot of understanding about loving your pets on MN at the best of times...

Dentist appointments aren't easy to rearrange either, especially on the day. If its NHS you are likely to get a black mark by your name and if private then it's likely the appointment has already been paid for (mine charge upfront) and if you cancel within 48 hours they will not transfer the payment to a new appointment so you have to pay again.

Sounds like you were ok to do the school run, so in this situation you needed to get a taxi if incapable of driving at lunchtime or to have been brave and gone alone.

So sorry to hear about your cat. I’d be in bits if it was my cat. I’d be more in bits if it was a human member of my family though. I think you need some perspective.

I’m sorry for your loss OP but you have been really unreasonable here.

A dentist appointment usually can’t be just rearranged at an hours notice or on the day. NHS that could get you booted off, private you’d lose your money.

I think the issue isn't what is more important in that moment, but he sounds like his parents are his main priority overall. So whatever your issue is, he'll go with their needs.