To end relationship over this?

[Pandolly]

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

I’m so very sorry. What a terrible shock to lose your DC. Hard enough when it was expected! I’ve just lost my DDog and it is still very very raw even after a week.

Your DP should have got your grief and shock. Even if it had to be explained to him, he should absolutely have jumped to support you, and should have learned a lot about you in this moment. I wouldn’t quite understand why he couldn’t step up.

Dentist does not cut it!

once again, my deep sympathies. There is nothing like the bond with our animals.

I’m really sorry about your cat. I have had several very special cats and other pets too. They have all helped me have joy and feel love.
I think it sounds like you and your partner have different perspectives on the important people in your lives. It’s important that he try to understand your love for your pets or he is ignoring a big (good) part of what makes you you. I’m also sorry his parents are so dependent on him. It sounds like you try to accept him despite that. And try to support them too. Does he sacrifice for your animals?

Maybe do some research about this topic like John and Julie Gottman and the woman who started the emotion focused therapy Sue Johnson.

I asked chat GPT to speed me up and here:

”
What These Researchers Generally Agree On

They’ve found that healthy couples usually:

✔ Accept that some differences never disappear
✔ Learn to negotiate and compromise
✔ Understand each other’s deeper values behind priorities
✔ Communicate needs clearly without attacking
✔ Support each other’s individual goals”

I hope you can find a good place for your cat to rest.

I was going to say something like this.

I’m sorry to hear about your cat - a pet is a dear friend and constant companion. I would have said that you were being unreasonable but I think that you have just about had enough of this man’s weird family expectations.

After your latest updates, I think YANBU OP, I don't know if the crematorium is open over the weekend (or that you could take pets there, I took my cat to the vet after he passed in similar circumstances), but I'm guessing you didn't want to have his body around for too long, especially as you have kids.
It sounds like taxis could have been arranged for the dentist, so YANBU to hope for some support with this.

I'd have ended it just because he habitually puts his parents first. You don't sound like youngsters so unless you're only looking for a casual relationship then at your ages, after 18 months, I'd expect him to be fully committed to making things work with you - which means seeing you as his primary family and putting you first.

Taking his parents to a hospital appointment needed to be done, taking them to the dentist didn't. The dentist would have charged anyway if it was cancelled at such short notice but the parents should have got a taxi there instead, they had advanced warning so would have had time to arrange that. Using people to drive them around because they don't fancy paying for a taxi is taking the piss. Unless your ex is their carer and you don't say that he is, he should have cancelled the lift and told them to call a taxi, because you'd had a bereavement and needed his support.

You did the right thing. Don't settle for a man who doesn't think you're his number one priority (excluding his children).

I lost one of my cats a couple of weeks ago so I get how much pain you will be in right now. Until I read your updates I did think you were being unreasonable but now I can see this is part of a much bigger issue. There's being a good son and being enmeshed which is what I think you're starting to realise is the case.

You look after yourself, this is a tough time.

I think everyone is overlooking the fairly that it isn’t about THIS dental appointment; it’s about how he is not there for OP when she needs him because he doesn’t make her a priority. Yes, it is nice to help parents with appointments etc, but there has to be some give and take; and it seems OP is never given anything.

Generally you have to pay if you don’t turn up without 48hrs notice. Kindly, I guess he could have taken you a little later, but it does sound like you’re not top of his priority list, which is hurtful.

OH MY GOD, why are people constantly doing this?

OP clearly is capable of using the internet, if she wanted to further fuck up the environment by outsourcing her thinking to a glorified search engine she could do so herself!

I would not priotise the pet of a man I had been with a mere 18 months over my parent needing support. I get it's tragic losing a pet though.

I'm going against the grain of the majority of people and think no I don't think you were being unreasonable to expect him to come and support you. I was just reading your updates to check his parents aren't completely elderly and infirm and incapacitated or have dementia and they are not. I can understand a hospital appointment where they may need a bit of support coming out for whatever reason but surely somebody in the 60s can get themselves to the dentist and back if he explained why.

Does he have a job and did he take time off work to run them to these appointments and does he take them to all appointment for everything ?
honestly I think you better getting rid. I'm so sorry to hear about your beloved cat .

Yes I would end it. His relationship with his parents is way too emeshed and he clearly has no interest in changing that. And neither do his parents.

I’m sorry about your beautiful cat.

I think you've done the right thing here if the reasoning is a bit cloudy.

This man clearly isn't ever going to let go of the apron strings and as lovely as he may be when he is able to be around, you deserve more than he's able to offer.

I'm so sorry about your cat - it must have been a horrible shock. Take care of yourself this weekend.

He has not yet spent the night as his mother would be upset about it if he did.

I think you have more to worry about than whether or not he should have been with you.
I see that the parents are only just 60. I'm 66 and my husband is 71. I couldn't imagine expecting my husband to take me to the dentist, far less asking my son.

Read the update re he can’t stay over. Absolutely end this.

Agreed - actually I’ve just put up a post on site stuff to ask that we can report AI posts for deletion.

I do understand the cat situation, huge cat lover here and have had to deal with sudden loss. It is awful.

There is no urgency for the cremation though, and I have never attended, just had ashes back. I do think people place higher than a deceased cat though in terms of priority in this instance. Sorry though. I appreciate you aren’t thinking clearly and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t exit the relationship if you are ultimately unhappy. You don’t need a reason.

I’m genuinely sorry to hear about your poor cat op.

But the minute my DP asks me to prioritise a dead cat over my parents, it would be over. Sorry op that’s just how it would be for me.

Im sorry but there isn't a human that has died so don't understand your comparison.
I would be really upset if it was my cat not only the death but the shock of finding him. It would break my heart.
I think a lot of M Netters are quite cold when it comes to pets, but Im surprise they are on the elderly parents side as MN usually don't like elderly people.

You can. Just explain that it’s copy/paste AI in the reason for reporting. I’ve done it several times and they always delete the post.

And I would hate to be the type of parent who demands my son takes me to the dentist or makes a fuss if he wants to stay overnight with his partner

I’m extremely sorry about your lovely cat. I’m a cat slave too and know that I would be devastated in those circumstances. However, I would also recognise that the cat has died, nothing can change that, and my partner’s parent still needed taking to their appointment.

Part of owning a pet is knowing that one day they will die and it will be deeply upsetting. That is part of life, part of our experience as adult pet owners. Parents aren’t pets.

"Elderly" - they're early 60s and mobile. I'm on OP's side, especially when you get the whole picture. His mother doesn't allow him to stay out overnight

I’m so sorry about your cat, I have one and he’s my beautiful boy. I couldn’t imagine being without him.

That said, you’re way too needy and if I was him, I’d be ending my relationship with you. I think you need to work on you.