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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
Topsy44 · 13/02/2026 17:18

I am sorry for the loss of your cat, I know how painful it is.

For me, it would be on how old your partner’s parents are. If they are not in their eighties and without any significant health issues then YANBU.

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/02/2026 17:19

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:16

I have nobody else to collect my children unfortunately. I have no family around.
I work in a school and the training wasn't optional or something I could have moved as it was outside company coming in to teach the 1 day course.

Nor could the dentist appointment be easily moved without a long wait for the next one and potentially a financial impact.

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:20

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/02/2026 17:19

Nor could the dentist appointment be easily moved without a long wait for the next one and potentially a financial impact.

I hadn't even considered the fee may still be payable. I know it's private dentist.

It's why I came here to help me see things clearer.

OP posts:
Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:21

Parents are early 60s and mobile, healthy enough to travel and do things unaided.

OP posts:
PersimmonsAreNotTheOnlyFruit · 13/02/2026 17:22

I love animals, but would not expect someone to drop an elderly parents medical/dental appointment to take me to a pet crematorium. He had presumably taken time out of work to take them, and they would likely get charged for a cancellation with no notice.

I don't think it is fair to put this in the bucket of not being prioritised. Not on this occasion for very good reasons. If he had been at the pub or wherever, then fair enough but this should not have been the final straw.

Flukingflukes · 13/02/2026 17:23

If his parents aren’t frail and can afford a taxi, they are taking the piss. How you convince your partner of this is the problem here. Straight talking is needed. It’s not just about meeting your needs, it’s also about him prioritising his needs. He gently needs to be unavailable every single time they want him.

CamillaMcCauley · 13/02/2026 17:24

Firstly, condolences on the loss of your beloved cat. I do think you have acted over-emotionally on this particular issue, but if you needed someone to drive you to the vet several hours after your cat passed because you weren’t in a fit state, perhaps you are quite a strongly emotional person in general?

I say this as I recall when my beloved father passed, I had to drive to the hospice (my family members and I were taking turns siting with him) only minutes after receiving the news and in the middle of the worst storm my city has ever seen. But I pulled myself together because needs must. It seems odd that you were able to get it together to do the school run but not to drive to the vet. Perhaps this is why your ex felt it was a bit excessive expecting his parents to cancel appointments so he could drive you around.

Ineedanewsofa · 13/02/2026 17:24

He hasn’t yet spent the night because his parents wouldn’t like it?!
Unless there is a massive drip feed coming that he’s only 18 or something then the rest of this thread is a red herring!
How old are you both?

Lostpassporthelp · 13/02/2026 17:25

@Pandolly if his parents are only in their early 60s can’t either of them drive?

You’ve said his parents wouldn’t be happy about him staying the night, am I right in assuming there may be some cultural clashes between you?

Flukingflukes · 13/02/2026 17:25

I’m 72, and newly widowed. I have hospital appointments and I get a taxi. I drive to my dental appointments. I wouldn’t dream of asking my son or daughter for lifts.

HelpMeGetThrough · 13/02/2026 17:26

Flukingflukes · 13/02/2026 17:23

If his parents aren’t frail and can afford a taxi, they are taking the piss. How you convince your partner of this is the problem here. Straight talking is needed. It’s not just about meeting your needs, it’s also about him prioritising his needs. He gently needs to be unavailable every single time they want him.

She’s dumped him, so no conversation with him required.

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/02/2026 17:27

OP, if you haven’t even spent the night together after eighteen months because his mum would be upset about it, this was no relationship. You don’t need him back, there will be available men out there - don’t waste more of your time trying to turn this one into something he’s not ever going to be for you.

TheVeryThing · 13/02/2026 17:28

I'm so sorry about your cat.
Given the age of the parents it does seem that he is doing an awful lot for them.
Did you say that he hasn't stayed over at yours as his Mum would be upset?
If so, that is very odd. Does he live with them?
People will have varying opinions on whether you were/ were not unreasonable in this specific situation, However, I would not want to continue a relationship with someone so enmeshed with their parents. It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

Pearlstillsinging · 13/02/2026 17:28

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:37

It looks like the thoughts are that I'm being ridiculous.
I appreciate everyone being kindly honest. It can be hard to see clearly sometimes and I know that a huge thing for me is my animals hence wanting to ask outside views.

I had to take my cat at a specific time as it's by appointment so as to ensure the little chapel of rest there is free for each family that wants to use it. Then I had the school run at 3pm. The crem is half hour away so I didn't have time to go later.

I've never had an animal pass like this before. It's always been due to old age preplanned euthanasia so for him to be meowing 1 moment then the next just gone is hard for me to accept and I struggle with loss anyway. A me 'problem' though I understand.

I think in my mind I was thinking well rearrange the dentist appointment because that can be done anytime. This is my last moments with my beloved pet who I'll never see again. And I know I'd have done that if it was the other way around so I guess sort of feel that he'd do that for me.

But you didn't feel that you could rearrange/ postpone the child pick-up?
I know that you couldn't do that, of course. Well in just the same way, DP couldn't rearrange his commitments to his parents at such short notice.
I have had multiple animals all my life and don't have children but I think you were being unreasonable. You could have made an appointment at the pet crem for today quite easily.
Now if you had needed support to go to the vet with a sick animal, I would have thought rather differently.
If I were your partner you wouldn't get a chance to change your mind, tbh. You would be gone out of my life for being so unreasonable.

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:30

No we aren't youngsters. Mid/late 30's.
There is a slight cultural difference yes but there is also a cultural difference between his parents so it's not a huge issue although I do believe his father is a bit disappointed that I'm a white person.

Please don't misunderstand me, I absolutely have no issues with him helping his parents. I'd happily help them out myself too when available.
It's just when it is everyone single time that he does what they ask and my needs take a backseat.

We have discussed it and it did improve as he did agree with that I was saying.

OP posts:
Plasticdreams · 13/02/2026 17:32

How awful - I’m so sorry 💐
I wouldn’t have dumped my boyfriend though over it. Most men are quite selfish by nature and the fact he is prioritising his elderly parents is admirable imo. It’s a green flag for me.

ValidPistachio · 13/02/2026 17:33

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:30

No we aren't youngsters. Mid/late 30's.
There is a slight cultural difference yes but there is also a cultural difference between his parents so it's not a huge issue although I do believe his father is a bit disappointed that I'm a white person.

Please don't misunderstand me, I absolutely have no issues with him helping his parents. I'd happily help them out myself too when available.
It's just when it is everyone single time that he does what they ask and my needs take a backseat.

We have discussed it and it did improve as he did agree with that I was saying.

How many more dripfeeds are there going to be?

BillieWiper · 13/02/2026 17:34

I'm so sorry about your cat. But the sad fact is it had passed away. It's obviously devastating but it couldn't be saved. There was no urgency at that stage to have it cremated immediately.

Medical appointments for human beings who are still alive have to take priority over an animal that has sadly already gone. And as you say, it happened suddenly and unexpectedly. So he was already doing the other things he committed to.

I hope he or another family or friend took you there as soon as they could.

I can see this was the straw that broke the camels back though. You felt abandoned in a time of grief and it must have been horrible. Especially If there's a pattern.

Purplepelican3 · 13/02/2026 17:36

You over reacted

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:36

He does live with them yes.
So he spends a lot of time with them. But if I suggest we spend a weekend day together his mom gets upset and tells him she wanted to spend the day with him and so he'll tell me we will do it another time as his mom needs him.
I do think they emotionally blackmail him in a lot of instances but that's another thread.

I can see from responses that I have probably acted when highly emotional and so illogically without stopping to think.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 13/02/2026 17:36

Why on earth is he taking them to the dentist? Hospital appointments, maybe, but why can’t they take each other?

Miranda65 · 13/02/2026 17:36

OP, he had made a prior commitment. It doesn't matter who to, parents or not, it was the fact that he already made arrangements. I wouldn't dream of asking my husband to change his plans, especially if it inconvenienced someone else. You could easily have got a taxi, which is what most people would surely have done.

Having said that, he sounds like he is way too enmeshed with his parents ("won't stay the night because it will upset his mother", and thus that aspect probably means that you're right to dump him!

Shitmonger · 13/02/2026 17:37

He has not yet spent the night as his mother would be upset about it if he did.

Let him stay dumped. He isn’t capable of being in a real relationship.

ginasevern · 13/02/2026 17:39

I'm so sorry about your dear cat OP. I know only too well that feeling of utter heartbreak. It must have been such a terrible shock for you. If his parents are healthy and only in their early sixties, then his devotion to them does sound excessive. Can't they ever take a taxi to appointments? He really shouldn't be revolving his life around them to that extent, especially now he has a partner. I speak as someone who is in their late sixties. I think you need to reconsider your future with this man because I believe you will always be a second thought.

Swiftie1878 · 13/02/2026 17:40

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:36

He does live with them yes.
So he spends a lot of time with them. But if I suggest we spend a weekend day together his mom gets upset and tells him she wanted to spend the day with him and so he'll tell me we will do it another time as his mom needs him.
I do think they emotionally blackmail him in a lot of instances but that's another thread.

I can see from responses that I have probably acted when highly emotional and so illogically without stopping to think.

Yeah, it sounds as though your problems run deeper than this incident with your cat.

I am so sorry for your loss. Also a cat lover and would be equally devastated. 💐🩵

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