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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To end relationship over this?

441 replies

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 16:11

It's been an emotional 24 hours. I've hardly slept. I think I'm in some shock still. So it's possible I am being ridiculous, but wanted to see the concensus.

Been with partner for nearly 18 months.
Ups and downs as with most relationships but downs are minor things that we communicate and work through well, everything else is mostly great. Nothing major to moan about.

So as to set the scene a little more, there has been slight issues before with his parents not wanting to let go and expecting him to do everything they want, him pandering to it, and me feeling always 2nd choice and never priority.
Something we've discussed and that improved.

I'm a huge animal person. Had kids later so animals were and are hugely important to me. My safe place, hobby ect.
Yesterday I very suddenly and without any signs, found my youngest cat passed away on the dining room floor.
It was a hugely emotional and hard time.
I rang my partner but he had to take one of his parents to a hospital appointment so wasn't able to be with me at the time. Fair enough. We know what it's like getting hospital appointments.
I asked if he could drive me to the crematorium at lunchtime as I wasn't in a good state to drive. He said he couldn't as his parent had a dentist appointment.

This is the thing.
I've told him I'm done. Things are over.
He said I can't expect him to just drop things and his parents appointment was important.

I don't see why it couldn't be rearranged as surely I needed him more in that moment.
Dentist appointments can be changed. I'd just gone through a horrible discovery, was in shock and absolutely heartbroken.

To me, it was just another thing where I wasn't a priority and this was something so big to me.
He thinks I'm being selfish.

I understand I'm very emotional right now, I haven't slept well and I'm devastated.

Do you think I acted too hasty ending it with him? Am I selfish? Or do I have a point?

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very low but I do appreciate honest opinions please.

OP posts:
Lostpassporthelp · 13/02/2026 17:40

Whilst I feel you maybe overreacted in this instance, generally this relationship is unlikely to work. He’s far too enmeshed with his parents. The fact that he can’t even stay the night because it might upset his Mum is a huge red flag.

Jumimo · 13/02/2026 17:40

Sorry but people are more important than pets. Couldn’t you have got a taxi?

ComtesseDeSpair · 13/02/2026 17:40

OP, I think you need to take a step back from relationships and do some work with yourself about what you need and deserve from a future relationship, and getting to an emotional place where you don’t put up with rubbish. Describing this as the best relationship you’ve ever had when he’s refused to ever spend the night together, you never feel as though he’d put you first, and often he doesn’t even makes enough time for you; and after just eighteen months, there have been “ups and downs as with most relationships” (good relationships aren’t characterised by instability and downs you have to work through all the time) is quite sad. It’s not normal for relationships to be like this, and you deserve a lot better.

TheAdeptLeader · 13/02/2026 17:42

I have read the whole post. There are issues here with a man in his 30s being co-dependent/enmeshed with his parents if he cannot stay overnight or spend a weekend day with you. This is a relationship you are best out of. The issues with the cat have just brought it to a head. Condolences for the death of your pet.

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:42

I don't want it to sound like he's a horrid person.
He's great with my children. He is really understanding when I struggle (previous dv relationship). He looked after my children so I could go and get my hair done.

And I know his mother does have her reasons for worrying but at the same time she clings on too tight I think but that's not really my business.
I just ask for some of his time and thought during what I was dealing with yesterday that I'd deserve to be looked after for once.
When his dad fell down the stairs I was poised ready to leave work and go to him and thought he'd want to do the same for me. I guess I felt let down.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 13/02/2026 17:42

Two separate issues here:

Your lovely cat

I feel your pain, I adore cats (I am cat sitting as we speak!) and it's awful when they die. But I am not sure why there had to be such urgency around getting to the crematorium the same day. Your partner had arranged to support his parents - whether you feel they need the help or not - at medical appointments which likely wouldn't be that straightforward to rearrange. Plus wouldn't your kids want to say goodbye to the cat before the cremation? You could have popped the cat in their bed (or in a box if too hard to see), let everyone have some time to mourn together, and then gone to the crematorium the following day. I think you were unreasonable to expect him to drop everything. I've had to drive when distressed before - like when my aunt died last month - it's just life I am afraid.

Your relationship

He's never stayed over in 18 months? Nope, not for me. He lives at home in his 30s? Unless he is genuinely a carer and it's more convenient then nope, not for me. It doesn't sound like a relationship in any way. I don't know what it is - do you go on holiday together? Do you spend much time together? Also if he won't stay over because of his mum then he's never going to stand up to her and assert his own independence. You're on a hiding to nothing, so I think it's good that it ended even though I am not sure I agree with your reason for ending it.

FeistyFrankie · 13/02/2026 17:43

Bonkers1966 · 13/02/2026 16:16

Horrible situation for you but you over reacted. I can't be honest here because MN will ban me. Maybe sit down and have an adult conversation with him.

Do NOT listen to this awful advice. You had a huge, horrible shock about your beloved pet. If this isn't a time for support, then when???

You said yourself he has form for this. Calling you selfish is him making it clear that he simply doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour.

You did the right thing OP. Find yourself a partner who will support you.

Purplepelican3 · 13/02/2026 17:44

In this instance you did over react
But reading your update s
I suspect this was the straw that broke the camels back
He needs to stay dumped ,your instinct is correct,you can do better

CamillaMcCauley · 13/02/2026 17:45

On reading your further responses, I think your expectation that his parents would change appointments so he could drive you somewhere instead was unreasonable, but your decision to dump him for it really reflects the fact that this is not a healthy or balanced relationship in general.

If he’s refusing to see you on weekends or sleep over because it will upset the mother he still lives with in his 30s, then he is totally over-enmeshed with his parents and not relationship-ready.

Swiftie1878 · 13/02/2026 17:45

Pandolly · 13/02/2026 17:42

I don't want it to sound like he's a horrid person.
He's great with my children. He is really understanding when I struggle (previous dv relationship). He looked after my children so I could go and get my hair done.

And I know his mother does have her reasons for worrying but at the same time she clings on too tight I think but that's not really my business.
I just ask for some of his time and thought during what I was dealing with yesterday that I'd deserve to be looked after for once.
When his dad fell down the stairs I was poised ready to leave work and go to him and thought he'd want to do the same for me. I guess I felt let down.

If you simply enjoy his company when his parents see fit to release him to spend time with you, then carry on. But you must realise that a long term relationship is off the cards with someone so enmeshed with their parents.

Mumstheword1983 · 13/02/2026 17:46

Lostpassporthelp · 13/02/2026 17:40

Whilst I feel you maybe overreacted in this instance, generally this relationship is unlikely to work. He’s far too enmeshed with his parents. The fact that he can’t even stay the night because it might upset his Mum is a huge red flag.

Sorry OP but I agree with this.

HHCrochetDiva · 13/02/2026 17:48

Ok so I think you were being emotionally driven and unreasonable about the cat. It must have been an awful shock so I am sorry.
However the updates are definitely a red flag. He hasn’t stayed over in 18 months???!! You are never going to be a priority. EVER! So your knee jerk response was probably the right one. Chalk him up to experience and find someone willing to at least out you in the same level as his parents for a start.

Namechangetheyarewatching · 13/02/2026 17:49

I actually dont think you have overrated you had a horrible experience and I would have hoped he would have stepped up to support you.

His parents will always become before you in his thoughts, so you either...

  1. just except he is a mummy's boy and will always run to them

  2. cut your losses and find someone who puts you first.

Happyjoe · 13/02/2026 17:50

It flipping hurts when we lose an animal, and lots of sympathies to you.

outerspacepotato · 13/02/2026 17:52

Live parents transport to dental appointment take priority over you being upset about your deceased cat.

You're a gf of a bit over a year and you expect him to blow off his parents having a hard to get medical appointment to sit with you and take you to a pet crematorium? Your expectations are extremely unreasonable.

Sorry about your cat.

Negroany · 13/02/2026 17:53

You can end the relationship if it's not what you want. And it sounds as if it's not.

I do think you are BU about the appointment though, it's impossible to change appointments at my dentist, I have to book a year in advance and even when they change them I still can't get the new one until at least a couple of months later.

Sorry about your cat, it's very upsetting.

MummyJ36 · 13/02/2026 17:54

You’re both in your 30s and he still lives with his parents. I’m not saying this is totally unreasonable but it’s say it’s quite unusual for a man of this age. Has he ever lived away from home? If not then I really don’t think that there is a long term future in this…

Mrsblobby88 · 13/02/2026 17:55

Op, you are emotional and understandably so. Please try not to make any haste decisions when you are feeling low. Sorry about your cat and sending love x

statetrooperstacey · 13/02/2026 17:56

I’m really very sorry to hear about your cat, that must have been awful for you💐. However yes I think you did over react . But wtf do you mean he’s never spent the night because his mum won’t like it?!! I would ditch him for that, he’s in his 30s ffs, at what point will he stop listening to her? Are you sure his parents exist? And when he says mum are you sure he doesn’t mean his wife? This is so strange .

IamnotSethRogan · 13/02/2026 17:56

I love animals but I love my parents more. I have elderly parents and I spend a lot of time taking them to appointments and helping them out.

You were going through something awful and I'm sorry but it sounds like he was supporting you just not able to drop some important things immediately for you.

Edited once I read more posts I would end it with a close to middle aged man who couldn't sleep over because his mummy wouldn't like it

Shitmonger · 13/02/2026 17:57

outerspacepotato · 13/02/2026 17:52

Live parents transport to dental appointment take priority over you being upset about your deceased cat.

You're a gf of a bit over a year and you expect him to blow off his parents having a hard to get medical appointment to sit with you and take you to a pet crematorium? Your expectations are extremely unreasonable.

Sorry about your cat.

I usually agree with your posts but in this case he still lives with mummy and daddy and has never spent the night with OP because mummy doesn’t want him to. He also spends weekends with mummy because she doesn’t want him to spend the day with his girlfriend. She’s better off running far, far away from that weirdness and finding a functioning adult to be in a relationship with.

flightyfighter · 13/02/2026 17:59

Why does he have to take his parents to appointments? Don't they drive, have others to help if necessary or feel able to use taxis? However, once he's committed to that then it wouldn't be easy to reschedule. So, providing he was sympathetic and supportive about your loss generally then yes, you over reacted a bit.
The main issue is he is too enmeshed with his parents and the cultural aspect is probably playing a big role here. His parents don't see you as a suitable girlfriend. If he can't even spend the night with you and keeps being manipulated by his mum you'll always come second. That's no way to carry on.

TwistedWonder · 13/02/2026 17:59

I think on this scenario you were ridiculously unreasonable but with your updates it seems like it was the straw that broke the camels back with you feeling v you’re not his priority.

I don’t think this relationship has legs tbh

pixieee · 13/02/2026 18:00

While i think you were unreasonable to expect him to drop taking his parent to the dentist I would avoid marrying a man who is a mummies boy or who constantly puts his parents before you. I married a mummies boy and it was miserable until the day she died.

PyongyangKipperbang · 13/02/2026 18:00

I dont agree with your reason for ending it but I am glad that you did given your updates.

His mother will always insist on being the Alpha woman in his life, anything you want to do she will hate because it takes his attention from her. It is a deeply problematic relationship he has with her. As he has been brought up to this (only son?) he will not be able to stop jumping to her will, as far as he is concerned this is normal as that is what he has been taught.

I think that you need to stick with it being over and maybe arrange some therapy to help you deal with your abusive marriage.