To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

[Ovenpizzafordinner]

Very driven and ambitious in terms of the children. Head of PTA, attends school trips, all school competitions and so obviously wants to win.
Lots of after school activities, no rest for the kids, various tutors. Pushing children to do shows and perform for others.
Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights.
Lots of mingling with wealthier families or wanting to be around influential/successful families. Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc. Very strict about screen time.

Whilst I agree/admire some of this, it must be exhausting surely? Plus, is it good for the children?

What makes a mum like this? It doesn’t look a happy place to be

Do the kids seem unhappy?? Exhausted?

If not then sounds like she’s doing a good job. Maybe it’s you who feels guilty you’re not doing as much??

If the kids hate it then that’s a different story.

She's trying to give her children the best life she can in the way that she can. Much the same as you, I'd imagine.

What makes you think it's exhausting or not happy? Is your judgement coming from a place of feeling inferior?
I don't see what's exhausting about cooking from scratch and wealthy people will always have other wealthy people in their social circle. That's just life.

I know someone like this and now the kids are basically grown. (15 and 17) They're confident alright but they are both awful to her. I don't think she ever said no to either of them and was/is basically a slave/taxi driver/butler to them both. Not a moments appreciation from either child. They talk to her like dirt. This woman has always put herself in 4th place in the family and neither child has ever learnt that people outside of themselves have wants and needs.

Seems fine to me as long as the children enjoy the after school activities and performing.

I have 1 who has only done a few clubs over the years, but 2 other DC who want to do every club/opportunity going! I have to say no to more than 1 per day! Cooking from scratch is normal. Strictness about screen time should be a basic of parenting. As a family, we prefer sightseeing holidays (with the odd beach/pool day to break it up). Until recently I was working 60+ hours a week so couldn't volunteer on the PTA more than helping on stalls at the Christmas/summer fair, but other than that this doesn't seem out of the ordinary.

The only potential problem I see is if the extra-curriculars are forced rather than chosen by the children.

The answer is that we all have different personalities. Why would you assume they’re not happy? Some would love that life, but others wouldn’t. I would question how happy someone is with their life if they feel the need to look at someone else’s life in great detail, analyse it, and pass judgmental comments.

“Is it good for the children”

I can think of worse parenting styles. Cooking from scratch (rather than living off UPFs and fast food), encouraging your children to take part in extra curriculars (rather than paying little interest and letting them amble along), holidays which combine enjoyment with learning about the wider world (rather than laying on a sun lounger for days on end), limiting screen time (rather than letting them loose on the internet without limits) isn’t exactly harmful parenting.

Yes I wonder about this…all three children pushed into everything

Yes. What I object to is correcting someone on something they did not even say.

@MaggiesShadow because on MNs if someone says they struggling to do 10000 steps a day you will get a load of “I do 20000 pottering around the house”, or how do I eat 30g of fibre I day, cue the responses of “I eat 20g at breakfast”. Someone asks if their dc is gifted, “my dc were reading James Joyce in the womb” etc.

I can't see anything outrageous in the OP

There’s nuance though. I cook from scratch, help with trips, dc do lots of activities and have had tutors etc all very normal but I don’t think that is what the OP is describing.

OP described a mum type which she isn't fond of which sounded like mums with a job and not SAHM. But yes, maybe the world is ruled by SAHM - I work and wouldn't know.

Nevermind.

You seem to be taking as your starting point that wanting your children to be well equipped for life and wanting them to experience different things is "exhausting" and "unhappy": I think the whole premise of your post is pretty depressing.

To take the things you've cited one by one:

• Being the head of the PTA: PTA is the lifeblood for many schools and pays for a lot of things that many schools couldn't otherwise afford. I have never done it but I take my hat off to those who do
• Lots of after school activities: why is that a bad thing if the kids enjoy it? Is vegging out in front of the TV 24/7 automatically preferable?
• Holidays "educational": "walking around" and "visiting sites": what's wrong with these?
• "Mingling with wealthier families": if you're wealthy yourself, then presumably that goes with the territory? What are you supposed to do: deliberately shun your peers?
• Cooking everything from scratch: not everyone can do this but again why is this a problem?
• Screen time: I think everyone now knows how much damage screen time can do

I do some of these things, not all, but some because they are just who I am. It's not particularly "exhausting" to me to want to go on walks or cook food from scratch and I couldn't give a tinker's cuss if anyone judges me for it.

TBH your whole post screams that you resent people who "get ahead of themselves" or want to better themselves or improve their children's lives and want everyone to live in a sea of mediocrity. This is a you problem.

Wanting to introduce her kids to hard working and motivated people. Lots of walking. Cooking fresh meals every day.

Oh, the sheer, abusive horror! I'd be reporting her to the authorities!

Have you asked the children if they feel pushed? Or?

Believe me, nowadays it's dire.

These women appear to put more time and effort into it than they ever would a day job. And the nasty narcissistic behaviour if you dare say 'I can't this time'.
No thanks.

I knew one like this when my DD was at school. The girl wasn't even allowed to attend Brownies as it took away from her study time. The daughter did get into a top Grammar though and then on to Oxford, so the studying paid off (every single achievement was posted straight to FB with a "proud mummy" statement). I sometimes wonder if, as an adult, the daughter ever looks back on her childhood with any negativity at all the things she had to miss out on.

It isn't why "some mums are like this" though, it's why some humans are like this. Then some humans are also happening to be mums.

I know a few people like this and they single handedly support most of the local community projects. They are the people who set up their own business, do 3 jobs, run a charity, do local fundraising, or a hundred other good community things.

I don't have loads of energy due to disabilities. So I'm really quite grateful for people like this who do all the stuff I want to happen but I can't really help with. Nothing would ever get done if everyone was like me.

If you are ever involved with community projects you know how many people are happy to moan about what needs done, and how few people actually lift a finger to help make it happen.

Some people have oodles of energy and like to do lots of things with it.

Good for them.

Tbh PITA at our primary school wasn't. Our youngst left for secondary school in 2025.

People like walking, and history. Adults who choose to spend their holidays this way don't do it because it's 'educational', but because that is what they actually enjoy. They want to share these things with their children. Also their children are likely to enjoy these things because of who their parents are. It is not for show.

Cooking everything from scratch is for health reasons. It is simply too easy to be nutritionally deficient if you don't pay a lot of attention to what you and your children eat.

Screen time in the form of social media and inactivity can also pose a massive risk to children's wellbeing and some parents draw the line elsewhere.

PTA and school trips is surely helpful? But also, if a parent has the time to do this it is also a good way of really understanding what the school is offering their child.

Tutors and classes are about ambition for the child. Maybe it is too much and needs to be rowed back but that obviously depends on the child.

Basically you have described an involved parent. They aren't doing it to show you up.

They are just not palming off their child to the authorities (school) and commerce (screens, UPF) as soon as they are 4/5. It is very normal in other cultures to prioritise your family over other social norms.

Yes I actually do, but I wonder what the driving force is

Comparison is the thief of joy.

The mum sounds like she’s trying her best for her children, much like all of us.

This thread encourages women to tear others down and what joy is there in that?

To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

Clearly: not working.

I'm tired just reading through that list.

What a cow!
she volunteers her time to raise funds for the school, she supports her children and encourages them, she provides healthy meals and limits screens and chocolate? She takes time planning nice and educational holidays? Just awful, the kids are so deprived not going to Centre Parcs or Butlins.
honestly I’m very concerned. Poor kids are so neglected I hope someone will buy them an
iphone and take them to MaccyD. Much better for them than doing sports and drama.

I hope you have reported this terrible person to social services.

or maybe reflect why you are so judgmental of someone who clearly tries hard and is interested in their kids wellbeing.

Bloody hell, mum's can't do anything right. 'cooking from scratch', what a monster!

Love for her children.

Gotcha! I have to say though I don't actually see any of the usual competitiveness on this thread. Perhaps that's because it seems pretty normal and par for the course for me.

I get an edge of judgement from the OP so I'm confident we're meant to infer that these children are being pushed past their limits. The problem is though that none of this sounds bad, does it?

OP has decided the children are forced into activities but it's doubtful that they've ever told her this. Just sounds like some mean-spirited jealousy to me. But I could be wrong!