To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

[Ovenpizzafordinner]

Very driven and ambitious in terms of the children. Head of PTA, attends school trips, all school competitions and so obviously wants to win.
Lots of after school activities, no rest for the kids, various tutors. Pushing children to do shows and perform for others.
Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights.
Lots of mingling with wealthier families or wanting to be around influential/successful families. Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc. Very strict about screen time.

Whilst I agree/admire some of this, it must be exhausting surely? Plus, is it good for the children?

What makes a mum like this? It doesn’t look a happy place to be

Some people are obsessed with status above all else. But some things are for the benefit of the child. I think it's about balance. Yes, send your child to clubs and push them because you want your child to have fun, interest and focus. But don't do it to make yourself look like something you're not. Most of the time it doesn't make you look like some VIP parent who is better than everyone else, it makes you look like a pretentious twat.

If someone thinks I’m a ‘pretentious twat’ because I facilitate my kids playing an instrument/going to dance classes/playing sports then I think that says more about them than me TBH.

It depends on the motivation, and the attitude you have to other parents who don’t.

If you’re doing it to “keep up with the Joneses,” that is pretentious. Undeniably so.

If you’re making the right choices for your kids, but using it as a weapon against other parents, that’s probably a sign that your motivation and/or attitude is off.

We see it on threads like this all the time.

“What do you mean you don’t consistently home cook food?!?”

…. I mean I occasionally give my kid chicken nuggets for his tea, because turning an air fryer on is easier to manage some days.

“Why aren’t all your holidays educational? Why would you go on an AI holiday with a kids club when there are museums to visit?!”

….Because sometimes I also want a rest, which I’m entitled to, and every second of our days aren’t about entertaining. I’m not a clown.

Why don’t your children do physics at 6am?!

… I’d rather he just ate porridge and then went to school, where he will learn.

It’s faux shock/outrage at a lifestyle that they know other people have, and not only is it pretentious - it’s tedious.

Absolutely. So much bitterness in this mindset. “I dont want to support my children in learning, developing and having good experiences so anyone who does is a pretentious twat.” Mean, small minded people wanting to drag everyone down to their level.

You’ve hit the nail on the head there. This generation of children are not out roaming the streets, woods, parks, etc on foot on their bikes miles from home like we did in the 70s/80s from the age of 6.

Too much traffic and perceived risk means kids aren’t really out and about with friends before secondary school - so the best way to socialise then is thru play dates or activities.

Most downtime these days involves screens. Anyone who tells you its about building dens and damming streams is talking rubbish. It means Minecraft and YouTube (if you’re lucky).

My kids did more than watch screens at home - they had each other so played outside and in - did crafts read jigsaws baking etc...

They also went out a lot more than I did doing interesting things - more histroical sites and mususms art galleries especially if we could get to free ones - whereas it was more shopping trips with my parents much less eating out normal for the time and cramed in back of car for drives rather than walks and more visting and sitting still in relatives houses or staying in ours reading or watching TV.

I strove for balance - but still had DGP criticising us for going out so much - we often found it easier than being in house all day with the kids when younger. I think older relative had family and friends to drop in and pop to - and we didn't. DH played out more and I did a bit - our kids less so not due to us but other social changes less other kids doing it so filled with trips out as family.

There are late teens early adults and I wish TBH we done even more in and out the house with them not less.

However I have encountered a very small number of parents who do seem to use activties to reduce already short period of time they spend with their kids sometimes under guise of giving kids opportunties - if the kids aren't at an activity or school they are in childcare or DGP and only time with kids is taking them somewhere. Perhaps that what the OP actually meant - that it's not kids focued and driven - like most parents doing these things - but activities that take parents away form the kids or takes their focus of the kids.

Few cases I can think of it's lack of a bond due to serve pnd/mental health/health issues, huge regret about becoming a parent from either sex or huge interfence from family with bond forming. Intense over scheduling and activity is to hide that so they spend little time with the kids - but it's very rare and some thing OP moaning about cooking from scratch don't fit that as much - what OP describes seems more child focused than that and mostly good parenting.

@SleeplessInWherever

The only faux outrage on this thread is being displayed by the OP who resents people who try in any way to improve their children’s lives and opportunities.

I have never read a single thread on here where someone asks: “Why aren’t all your holidays educational?” Or: “Why don’t they do physics at 6am?” Thats pure fantasy borne out of your own insecurities.

Who are you to decide what someone’s motivation is for cooking food from scratch? Or going to a museum in preference to a beach club? You can’t possibly know why people are making these choices but you have blithely assumed that they do it to be pretentious.

As @ThiagoJones says, the fact that you assume that doing anything healthy or enriching or stimulating is automatically “pretentious” is a you problem.

@Thepeopleversuswork

You personally have just typed the words “Mean, small minded people wanting to drag everyone down to their level.”

Yet are somehow trying to claim that there’s no judgement or superiority? Having just been judgmental?

What “level,” the “level” where a child eats the occasional pizza that isn’t home made, or where their parents don’t watch over them every second of the day?

Who are you to decide whether someone’s parenting hits your personal threshold of suitability? You also can’t personally know their situation or why they make the decisions they make for their kids, yet still.. they’re parenting “down?”

You wouldn’t have referred to it as “down” to their level if you weren’t sitting in judgement and thinking the alternative gave you some superiority. You proved my point.

Literally the only place I have encountered any of those attitudes is on MN.
I wouldn’t expect anyone to know, or make a judgement on my motivations for parenting my children in the way that I do, because I don’t talk to others about it. I just provide them with the opportunities that I am able to provide them with, and that they enjoy. So if anyone did judge me as being pretentious that that would definitely be a them problem.

I don't think you're grasping how this works, are you?

I've literally never made a single comment about a child eating a pizza that isn't home-made or about children not being watched every second of the day. Nor, as far as I can see, is anyone else on this thread.

You and the OP are the ones throwing out the judgement. You apparently believe that people who want to in any way improve their children's lives, whether that be by cooking food from scratch at home or taking them on a walk, are "being pretentious". You and the OP and others like you are the ones throwing out the judgement, not me.

I stand by what I said: people who judge other parents for trying to improve their children's lives are mean and small minded: why on earth would anyone take it upon themselves to judge this?

I'm not the one who is writing off whole swathes of the population for having the temerity for trying to do something nice for their children.

Well that's quite a list.
I was head of pta as I wanted to help my kids school as they were great with my kids. And I went on lots of school trips as I enjoyed doing it.

The rest however nope.

I think most decent parents watch their kids diets, control screen time and do after school activities if circumstances allow

I think referring to other people’s parenting as “down to their level,” is pretentious.

You did say that, and still haven’t explained what you mean by “down”, or indeed what “level” you feel above?

For complete clarity: anyone who says that doing anything positive for their children, whether that be cooking food from scratch, taking them to a museum or organising an extra-curricular course is "being pretentious" is bitter and uncomfortable with other people's social progress.

For additional clarity: that doesn't mean I would judge or sneer at people who don't do these things. Other people's parenting is their own business. I couldn't give a tinker's cuss if people cook nuggets for their kids tea (I do this myself). I couldn't care less if people prefer a beach club holiday to a sightseeing one. I don't care whether people join the PTA or not. None of my business.

But it's a fairly safe bet that when people say other parents are "being pretentious" for wanting to improve their children's lives, they are being motivated primarily by jealousy or bitterness. I can't think of another credible reason for wanting to involve yourself in someone else's benign parenting decisions.

It's a bit odd that you think her cooking everything from scratch is a problem or something strange. Maybe she just likes to cook and wants her kids to be healthy. If she has the time and is able to accomplish that and as long as she's not smug about it then more power to her.

How do you know they're not happy with being SAHMs though?

Parenting may not be that interesting or challenging to you but they may find it more fulfilling than a high paying career. Moms are all different, people are all different, families are all different. Not everyone is meant to or finds fulfillment in being a stay at home mom, but some people do.

She just wants to 🤷‍♀️. It's not really your business what the driving force is a long as her family is happy and healthy. It comes across as a bit judgmental and gossipy to write a whole post about her on the internet for strangers to read and dissect three choices she's making for her family. I'm sure that's not your intention but that's how you come across in all of this.

Oh gosh, a lot of this sounds like me!
However, I mingle with everyone, we don't have any tutors and I don't push my DC to do shows/perform (although DD does, but loves it!). Thank you to the person who mentioned that tutors aren't just for children who have fallen behind. I'd never thought of it in the way you explained it, so I'll be looking into it.

So why do I do it all? I think this is the best way for me to parent my DC. I don't think for a second that I'm perfect or that my way of parenting is the best or only way, but it is the way that I've decided to do it. DH and I have made the decision to limit screen time and sugar and we cook from scratch as often as we can.

I really enjoy volunteering at school and going on school trips and I'm lucky to have the flexibility that I can do these and attend school events (of which there are many!). We're really lucky to have a great school community. Many of the school Mums and Dads are actively involved in school life and also volunteer at school. Everyone is lovely and welcoming, so it makes it easy to get involved.

Is it good for my DC? I think so. Minimal screen time and sugar definitely is! Many of DC activities are during the school day. E.g. musical instruments are weekdays during the morning/afternoon and a few clubs on weekdays straight after school. Weekends are our own for chilling/relaxing, DC friends parties, park trips, days out etc. And I've had no complaints about our holidays!

There is such an us Vs them culture between PTA and non-PTA it seems, maybe i'll get it when my kid starts school, but from the outside I'm just thinking "surely there is room for both in the social eco system?". It might naturally happen that PTA mum's are closer but surely that's not surprising given they'll be spending time together organising things. The mum OP describes sound kind of impressive - not sure I'll meet that bar, but I'll certainly try.

Level of time or energy available

I am not exactly like this, but close enough that I can feel like I can give you some insight.

Very driven and ambitious in terms of the children. Head of PTA, attends school trips, all school competitions and so obviously wants to win.

Technically this is DH, going on school trips and getting involved with school activities, but he is the SAHP. It’s an extra way we can be involved and support LO’s education and socialisation. I don’t think it’s necessary it was just something we had the option to do as a family with spare time.

Lots of after school activities, no rest for the kids, various tutors. Pushing children to do shows and perform for others.

Swimming was non negotiable but dance, horse riding, gymnastics and piano were upon her request. There is no pushing required as it’s what she wants to do, I hated doing performances as a child I wouldn’t ever push any hobby. Swimming was about learning to be safe around water.

We want to support her to follow her passions and interests and accomplish her goals.

Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights.

This is just what holidays look like as a family, I would much rather explore the culture and history of a place, and teach DC about the world, rather than explore hotels.

Being educated about the world around her, and its history, and being able to talk to people from different cultures and backgrounds was important for us. We do also go to the beach and build sand castles, go swimming, eat out etc.

Lots of mingling with wealthier families or wanting to be around influential/successful families.

Just cant relate on this one, our family is from very diverse socioeconomic backgrounds on both ends of the spectrum and our friends reflect that.

Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc.

DH is a very picky eater and has always struggled with eating too much processed food leading to worsening the sensory issues that limited his diet. I was raised with such a varied diet, that although I do have issues surrounding food, I eat almost everything as an adult and my safe foods are nutritious.

Because of this and the likelihood that DC would be neurodivergent too it was important for us to work on that from day one. LO has never really had fish fingers or nuggets, any kind of plain foods or usual kid snacks because we didn’t want her to become accustomed to the taste before the taste of healthier foods. She does have home baked treats sometimes but prefers natural yogurt and fruit because that is what she is used to. Nutrition is important and we want to set her up to have healthy habits and not have to do the work as an adult like DH.

Very strict about screen time.

This comes from taking a scientific approach to parenting. We don’t have screen time as a regular thing, maybe 15 minutes some days. Other than that it’s reading, crafts, dress up, going outside, dancing etc. as there are more benefits to it. It’s quite the old fashioned upbringing, except the tonie box!

I studied child psychology and educational psychology and that has driven a lot of the decisions I make around things like this. For instance violence, even cartoon violence, on TV has shown to have negative influences on behaviour.

Final thoughts

The way I think about a lot of these things is wanting to give her the best chances in life as we can. We want her to do her best in school so she can achieve anything she wants in life, have a hobby that makes her feel accomplished, skilled and proud of herself as well as make friends, understand the world around her and other cultures to be a global citizen, have a healthy relationship with food and stay free of screen addictions and unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It’s very much a privilege that we can make these decisions and I am aware of that, I don’t judge other parents for making different decisions with their children. Parenting styles are different from family to family and culture to culture and everyone is just trying to do what is best for their family.

Sorry about the SPAG, I am typing in a car on very little sleep and just wanted to get my post out 😅

I typed out a whole essay and I could’ve just said
This! ^

Your family sounds a lot like ours, I can see the benefits for our family too but I don’t judge others for making different choices. We have received some judgement for ‘doing too much’ though.

I put it down to personality types . Sounds like an ESTJ type to me. As an INFP my life was never going to look like that when I became a Mum.