To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

[Ovenpizzafordinner]

Very driven and ambitious in terms of the children. Head of PTA, attends school trips, all school competitions and so obviously wants to win.
Lots of after school activities, no rest for the kids, various tutors. Pushing children to do shows and perform for others.
Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights.
Lots of mingling with wealthier families or wanting to be around influential/successful families. Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc. Very strict about screen time.

Whilst I agree/admire some of this, it must be exhausting surely? Plus, is it good for the children?

What makes a mum like this? It doesn’t look a happy place to be

Seeing raising children as a project or a job in place of their career and approaching it exactly like a project or assignment.

The driving force is love of her children. She sounds like she is doing her absolute best by them. Maybe she’s pushing things a bit too hard, but she believes it’s the right thing to do.

I’d just guess energy and high standards.

I'm surprised your asking. Sounds like she's just doing her absolute best for her kids and they are a priority for her above getting tierd.

my mum was this mother. she was very insecure becasue she was the only divorcee at the time in the 1970s

I was capabel of a great deal and was pushed by my mother. I got a phd from an elite university and then went into psychosis and lost everythign. there are more important things in life.

Take out the pushing to perform and that was my childhood. Its a mix of one parent wih and poor working class background, domestic violence and one whose parents scraped about for money but worked hard. They wanted something better for me and my sister so we went to museums, joined the national trust, took us to the theatre, invested in tutors, cooked from scratch. At the time I thought it was crazy but looking back in the investment that they made to make my life more comfortable my goodness I'll be forever grateful.

She is 100% right about the no screen time and cooking from scratch - she is setting her kids up for early burnouts tho with all these incessant activities

Not if they want to do the activities. My 3 dc all did loads of stuff. They are all adults now. No burn our and they all still participate in various activities but not to the same extent as work etc gets in the way.

Fear of the abyss. Personality traits of shame, perfectionism and control all to avoid the abyss

It depends on who is driving the activities though surely?

You (and OP) seem to be taking as read that the kids don’t want to do them and the mum is forcing them.

What if the kids actually want to do them?

What depresses me about this attitude is people assuming that our default setting as humans is to want to do as little as possible, to be passive screen zombies.

Lots of children (and adults) actually want to be active, engaged and stimulated.

Of course if kids are being pushed to do something they don’t want that’s rubbish but why is it bad to enable your children to do something they do want to do? Such a weird attitude.

It pretty much all sounds great to me except the wanting to win school compétitions - if you mean the mum, then that’s weird, as is the hanging around Rich people one. Nor do I want to be president of the pta at all but I might one day because the school needs parents to volunteer. But my kids do lots of activities because they love sport and music, we cook as much as possible from scratch because I think that’s how food is made? And walking and visiting sights sounds like great holidays with kids. You can call me defensive if you like, but I’m very comfortable. It’s tough on us as our lives are pretty much taking dc to sports (we both work full time) but it’s the right thing for our kids, who are happy and irrepressible and have energy for days.

You seem to not have read nor understood my post - I said that no screen time is right and appropriate. I am not disputing the fact that the kids do actively want to engage in all these activities, but are truly best equipped to gauge their sense of tiredness or a good balance for their well-being?

Capable of a great deal but incapable of spelling capable? And everything? Lack of a capital letter after a full stop? Hmmmmm.

We give our kids opportunity but have an open dialogue with them whereby we don't push them beyond what they are willing to do. Maybe your parents (if what you say is true) failed to do that
Everyone is different.

@anterenea

You seem to not have read nor understood my post - I said that no screen time is right and appropriate. I am not disputing the fact that the kids do actively want to engage in all these activities, but are truly best equipped to gauge their sense of tiredness or a good balance for their well-being?

But how do you they are not gauging their sense of tiredness or balance for their wellbeing? We only have the OP's (highly partial) perspective on this family, heavily laced with judgement. The OP assumes that this is "unhappy" and exhausting but we have no way of knowing how the kids in this scenario actually feel.

People who get tired quickly seem to be very quick to project this onto everyone else and assume everything is "exhausting" but plenty of people actually prefer their lives to be like this.

One poster mentions parents who hold their children back with an "ideas above your station" mentality. My parents did this. Ok so it was back in the 1960s and times have changed but they never did. The moaning began when I got a job where I was paid by bank transfer (rather than a wage packet) and continued when I decided to attend uni later on. Its true to say I never forgave them for holding me back. Although I myself am childfree I can understand the orientation of these parents. I pushed myself forward ruthlessly at uni. Ironically, I became an academic and still do private tutoring at post grad level. Of course my students are adults but most of their families are ambitious for them.

Absolutely. Its very easy to sneer at "pushy" or competitive/helicoptering parents but give me parents who push their children any day over those who want them to "stay in their lane" or "not have ideas above their station". There is a special circle in hell for parents who try to hold their children back because of their own social insecurities.

I’m not sure what makes a mum like this but my kids went to school with someone whose Mum was just as you described. She had three kids, she got involved in EVERYTHING. They didn’t get to see friends much at weekend or holidays because there was always some activity plannned, educational/family days out etc. One by one the kids escaped went off to Uni and never came back. The mother now hardly sees them 🫤

What do you mean by fear of the abyss?

It’s just a hunch but she might be one of those whose terrified of not being busy, constantly striving for perfection and productivity, because beneath all that effort lies a huge scary void & a profound sense of emptiness (abyss).

Probably fears there’s ‘no self’ there at all.

Or if she seems relaxed and happy,
provably not the above. Agree it’s fascinating. What do you think?

Oh dear. Freud was v pithy but why does it always end up the fault of a parent?! Mostly, we do our best. I don’t agree with Larkin either..

You don’t do any of the things in your OP? Attend school competitions, cook from scratch etc?

Agreed. My children do a lot of activities… because they want to. If I asked them to quit any they’d be disappointed. They’d be bored stiff sitting at home playing on screens for prolonged periods. There’s always an assumption that a child’s default is to ‘chill’ or ‘rest’ but actually I think kids are generally happier when they’re active.

Totally agree. This obsession with children needing vast amounts of “downtime” and the importance of children “being bored” is really more about lazy, unmotivated and unimaginative parents trying to justify their own inertia.

Most downtime these days involves screens. Anyone who tells you its about building dens and damming streams is talking rubbish. It means Minecraft and YouTube (if you’re lucky).

Lets stop lying to ourselves about this fabled “downtime”. There’s nothing wrong with chilling in front of a screen for a bit but the idea that this is better for kids than doing a sport, learning a language or an instrument is delusional bollocks.