To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

[Ovenpizzafordinner]

Very driven and ambitious in terms of the children. Head of PTA, attends school trips, all school competitions and so obviously wants to win.
Lots of after school activities, no rest for the kids, various tutors. Pushing children to do shows and perform for others.
Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights.
Lots of mingling with wealthier families or wanting to be around influential/successful families. Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc. Very strict about screen time.

Whilst I agree/admire some of this, it must be exhausting surely? Plus, is it good for the children?

What makes a mum like this? It doesn’t look a happy place to be

My sister was a lot like this- SO many after school activities, with emphasis on performance- piano/ clarinet/ orchestra/ drama/ dancing/ sports. DN luckily was capable, but nothing out of the ordinary. I think a lot of it was for show.

Sister is/was definitely living vicariously through DN. Our dad was loving, but a hard man to please with high standards. DSis always thought she fell short in his eyes, particularly academically/ achievements wise & she's trying to assert she's 'good enough' through DN.

DN is wonderful & very driven, which has clearly come from DSis & is a great thing, but I do wonder if her childhood was enjoyable, & she is anxious about always being 'the best' at everything.

DN is studying medicine, & it's always my sister's main topic of conversation, as if no-one else could ever be better than her in any way. It grates when there's lots of nieces & nephews doing varied things in life. She's clearly furious at tines that my DS1 is very academic. She loves him, but never asks about uni exams or his dissertation this year, yet always asks how DS2 is as he's not quite so academic. Other DN (db's DD) is extremely beautiful, & I can tell that it rankles with my sister. It's sad really that her feelings of worth are so connected to DN.

They are also co-dependent, but that's another story 🙄.

I mean, I get where you are coming from, but wouldn’t it be more useful to look at what it is about your own ‘motherhood’ that is causing you to give so much head space to this other woman and to compare lives?

fair points

Wanting your children to have an interesting full life isn’t a negative. If children have limited screen time then they do have time for activities. If parents enjoy walking/museums/shows/concerts then it’s not try hard it’s just child growing up in that family.
Obv sometimes it tips and children are over scheduled eg no free nights or 2 or 3 things each evening but teens I know (I’m a girlguiding leader) seem to enjoy being busy with hobbies and volunteering.

Random point, but I don't know what the fuss is about cooking healthy food from scratch.

You can grill chicken or fish, steam some veg and boil some potatoes with a squirt or dusting of flavouring, and boom, home cooked UPF free from scratch meal in about 20m.

Surely this is the way we'd all like to parent, given unlimited time, energy and resources?

(With the exception of overscheduling the kids' extracurricular activities, perhaps).

As long as it's not held up as some gold standard of parenting that the rest of us are failing to uphold, crack on.

Wanting the child to explore all opportunities and have every chance of succeding at something or finding a passion or just helping make them rounded confident people? (I'm not really one of those mums by the way, I'm neither helicopter nor benign neglect but somewhere in the middle!)

i do think the benefit of the approach depends on the child. I know families who are very energetic and competitive, always doing stuff and winning stuff and the kids love it because it's genetically who they are.

My mum was quite like this though and I was a bit of a homebody so it was a really bad match. I liked school but I liked my downtime to be reading books and creative writing but my mum seemed to think i would amount to nothing if I didn't attend a constant stream of extra curricular activities - swimming, piano, tennis coaching, drama club, guides, private tuition, scripture exams at church (yes really). Id i have something up i had to schedule in something else to replace it. Apart from the drama club I hated all of it and gave up as soon as i could. I have never picked up a tennis racket or touched a piano in adulthood and zero regrets. I'm a partner in a law firm so it's not true I didn't amount to anything either.

I think you just need to know your kids, what is good for them and how much they need to be doing or not.

What’s not happy about it?
Nice food
Nice holidays
Nice friends
Work hard play hard
Diversity of leisure time - not just screens (surely nobody thinks unrestricted screens are good)
Fun activities
Ambitions
Help and support with school work

I’m not seeing the downside. Exhausting? Which bit? Especially if you aren’t doing a full time job on top.

The PTA in my kids school worked really hard to raise money and put in fun events. I was never in it but helped out with summer fairs, Christmas concerts etc because I think you should help where you can. I don’t know any rich people but don’t see that shunning people with money is desirable. I just don’t see what’s wrong with any of it, especially the nice food and nice holidays - who doesn’t like those things?

You’re not concerned OP, you’re judging her parenting choices because you are insecure about your own!

Ok 👍

No, you don’t, because there’s no such thing.

You’re saying you believe the kids aren’t happy. If you’d said that in the first place (and exactly why you believe that) I think you’d maybe have got fewer responses saying that it’s none of your business and she sounds like a great mum.

We have a school parent like this - she's on the spectrum. And her kids are lovely, so well brought up. And she's lovely as well. But i often get the feeling that her kids are pushed way too hard and she's in for a nightmare when they get older.

The driving force could be anything from a personality type to a need to replicate or do the exact opposite of the mother’s childhood.

Im very driven to help my kids educationally as I had a bloody terrible education myself and I think it’s the key to a decent life. I’m also driven to be very present in my kids hobbies/ school drop offs an and pick ups as I didn’t have that myself. All the other stuff though would be a big, fat no.

Sounds like doing her best to give her children the best chance in life

The OP has no idea if the kids are happy or not, she's projecting how she wants them to experience this to fit her narrative.

Well, the only bit I find questionable is the wanting to be around wealthier families, why do you perceive this? Is it just that they do similar activities, or is she obviously "sucking up" to people? Otherwise, she is mostly admirable, I don't see why people are so sneering about her, it rather smacks of jealousy. Unless she is really pushing children to perform. I come from a stagestruck family, and my kids always loved performing.

Or: maybe she’s well-educated and wants her kids to have a good start in life. Sounds like she’s done real research/ used her intuition intelligently. Definitely doesn’t sound “influencer-y” but quite real. I suspect envy from people who think it all looks like hard work rather than natural mothering.

As PP say a lot of that seems perfectly normal - though we didn't have kids constantly busy - I know many families that did but there were all those kind of peopel one the go and think there was some gentics predisposition there.

My DC did some shows and things - one of their mates did loads and has gone into that area for degree and it's come from her not her parents.

I found it odd when one of the kids teachers in primary school parent teacher meeting was praising us for facilitaling DD1 interest in something - I said all we did was get her some stuff and help when she askes both DH and I thought that basic parenting - there was a no sadly not reponse from teacher.

We talk about history science computing engeering and architecture as that what family members are intereted in and we do days out and sometimes hoildays based on those things.

I do know some mothers who go OTT - sometimes that their own upbring and sometimes it's their personality and sometimes it's actually the kids driving it.

I was abused and neglected. As a PP said, it can often cause people to go the other way with their own kids. So now im a member of the PTA, my DC has private lessons in an instrument and a sport. I limit screen time and aim to cook from scratch, with my child as its a life skill, as much as possible. That said, we both have plenty of downtime and the odd fishfinger.

Also the cooking from scratch bit might not even be related to parenting. Theres a lot of awareness of nutrition and the ills of UPF for adults as well as kids

There was one middle class family - lovely people very friendly towards DD1 - they did a lot of ferry round and getting their kids opportunties - and were a good source of information for free or cheaper oppounties though not driving we couldn't always use.

That was partly becuase their cousins were in better state school in city where most things were laid on and just there -duke of edinburgh - orchestra various clubs and they were spending driving time and money trying to receplicate what the couins just had on offer that the failing school our kids were at didn't offer. However the girls were fully on board and very driven themselves.

Once kids had left home or nearly left their mum was driving in with volteering helping elderly relatives and hosting various things - I think she was that kind of person busy and wanting to be useful to those round her.

Yes, like everyone with objections to massive cars blocking small urban streets is 'jealous' and everyone who eats a diet that keeps their weight healthy and stable is a 'competitive under-eater' etc.

I do a couple of things on the OP's list, and know people who do more - like most I can offer an objective view on many things without sniping about someone, feeling jealous, defensive etc.

I don't know, maybe she is just trying her best to be the best mum she can and is doing so based on her needs and the needs of her family rather than in order to meet the arbitrary requirements of some random judgemental busybody who apparently considers themself to be the oracle on good parenting.
Honestly, mums just can't win. Someone will come along to criticise them whatever they do so they should just get on with being the best parent they can be to their children, whatever that looks like, without reference to snobby armchair parenting critics.
I realise that this OP is probably coming from a place of deep insecurity regarding their own parenting so I am maybe being a little harsh but, frankly OP, it is rarely a good idea to throw stones from the comfort of our own glass house! Much better to foster a sense of solidarity with other mums who, just like you, just want the very best for the kids and accept that will not mean the same to everyone and that is fine.

Over active thyroid? 😂 I wish I had her energy