To wonder what makes a mum be like this?

[Ovenpizzafordinner]

Very driven and ambitious in terms of the children. Head of PTA, attends school trips, all school competitions and so obviously wants to win.
Lots of after school activities, no rest for the kids, various tutors. Pushing children to do shows and perform for others.
Holidays always very educational, lots of walking, historical sights.
Lots of mingling with wealthier families or wanting to be around influential/successful families. Cooking everything from scratch, being very strict about eating chocolate etc. Very strict about screen time.

Whilst I agree/admire some of this, it must be exhausting surely? Plus, is it good for the children?

What makes a mum like this? It doesn’t look a happy place to be

Sounds just like dance! She loves the comps - and so do I , they are our little adventures and time for just me and her to chat in the car. They we get there and she’s off with her friends doing each others hair, cheering each other on-it’s so supportive. I have my own dance mom friends and we’ll have lunch , rush babk to watch various solos and then pick up our grubby tired dances after the presentation. The older ones look after the younger ones-they all go to different schools and they are all so lovely , really nice girls-very wholesome. The teens are fit , body confident, spend hours in the studio (so not hanging out at the bus stop. It’s a lovely community.

I have always naturally looked out for opportunities for my kids and encouraged them to try a variety of activities and supported their endeavours. Was brought up similarly and people I associated with were similar so this was normal for me

Same here. Surely being encouraged to try things is how you learn about yourself, what you like and what you’re good at? If you avoid doing anything outside your comfort zone you are never going to learn this, never going to acquire a growth mindset or any resilience.

Its not about hothousing your child or pushing them to be the best at everything, its about creating an environment where they feel supported to experiment and try things, many of which they will not excel at but some of which they will.

I find it baffling and pretty sad that a parent would discourage their child from doing new things.

A person is being shot down for being aspiration for themselves and their children? What on earth? Next you’ll be telling us they value education and responsibility.

Which aspect is bad? Managing screen time? Or cooking from scratch? Perhaps limiting UPFs? Contributing to the school community? Encouraging kids to strive towards excellence? Hmm..

Exactly. I think she should be asking what makes her the way she is, such that she posts about a lady she’s been clearly been stalking too much. She seems to have an inferiority complex herself.

I’m on the PTA, try to go on trips, prioritise attending any school events if I can, limit screen time, try to make decent meals, they have after school activities, lots of play dates, I do extra tutoring with them on topics they struggle with. I do this for my children, to give them the best I can. I don’t need or expect them to be the best but the best they can be. If anyone noticed any of these things I’d find it strange that they were so fixated on what I was doing!

Love

I would guess she’s trying to do her best and fair play to her. I wish I had the energy and drive to do all those things! We’re all just winging it a lot of the time let’s be honest. Parenting can be hard and with everything else expected of us I admire women who can manage all those things.

I did some of that. My kids were sporty. The camaraderie with other parents was fun. I miss it a bit now they’re older. Both really enjoyed performing too- absolutely their choice, but facilitated by me.

PTA always needs volunteers!

The holiday judgement is odd. How do you spend your holidays with your kids?

Cooking from scratch was completely normal when I was a kid- how has it now become something to bitch about?? I did it because I enjoy cooking, and want my family to be healthy.

Exactly 😂 I love that Lady Chicken Nuggets mocks someone else for cooking from scratch

Personally I’ve always tried to cook from scratch because it’s so very important for health. I really prioritise it because I think it’s an important thing I can do for my children’s well-being. So I would never blame anyone for doing that.

With the other stuff, it’s possible that the family enjoys walking and sightseeing holidays (mine does). It’s possible that if her children are very active and enthusiastic they are ASKING to be in activities constantly. It’s possible that she happens to be friends with rich and influential people because that’s who she happens to meet and click with, and you are putting your own interpretation on this. It’s possible that she’s on the PTA because she enjoys it, or she wants to give something back to the school.

But if she’s basically a Hyacinth Bucket type person making her children miserable by constantly forcing them into activities they don’t want to do and denying them any downtime in which to develop their own personalities and self-esteem, then the reason is insecurity. She feels inferior and lacks the confidence to let them follow their own instincts. She feels she has to CREATE children who succeed at everything, rather than get to know them and support them in what they enjoy.

Sounds exhausting!

I wonder if I’m a bit like this as a mum and it is interesting to read your post and to be honest does give me pause for thought.
I am on the PTA, when my kids were little I volunteered in the baby groups etc. I cook most meals from fresh and cook healthily, restrict screen time and UPFs (restrict not ban), I have encouraged my kids to find activities they enjoy and then work hard at it
I think for me there’s a few reasons…

• I am a SAHM and have throw myself into this as my job while my kids are small. I find it fulfilling and enjoyable
• I’m bringing my kids up away from home and so have had to build a village for my family - volunteering and getting involved has helped so much
• I wish I’d been encouraged to get involved in activities as a child, especially sport. I never had this and want my kids to find something they love
• I want my kids to have discipline, self-belief, self-regulation, community etc and I think these things help
• We live abroad and that has influenced how we live - I see that kids where we live and other expat families have much healthier diets, more time outdoors, less screen time etc than a lot of our friends in the UK have

But on the flip side I didn’t have a very happy or stable childhood and I am really keen to give my own kids that - I do see how important it is not to live vicariously through my kids and get the balance right in supporting what they want! In

Why is it “exhausting” though?

Surely it’s only exhausting if you and your kids don’t enjoy these things and are going against the grain?

I enjoy cooking from scratch. I would prefer to take a bit more time to make food I like and which is healthy than eat some beige ready meal or oven ready stuff.

I enjoy going for walks and I enjoy sightseeing and going to museums. As does my DD. My DD plays an instrument. She likes is.

I’m not on the PTA because I don’t have time and I don’t hang out with particularly wealthy people because most of my friends are not wealthy.

But saying its “exhausting” assumes that people who do these things are play acting and pretending. Some of us actually like doing these things. I find doing nothing other than vegging in front of the TV or scrolling on my phone far more stressful than doing interesting stuff.

Why this suspicion and distrust of people who have interests and passions? Why the need to suggest it’s something people only do for status?

I think that you cannot know someone’s life and many people show you the parts of their lives that they want you to see.

For example, I’m a pretty busy person, worked my whole life, love work, might be abit of a workaholic, but I will drop it all for my kids to be there for their plays. Why, because they ask me to be, and I missed one of my daughter’s plays when she was younger and she was so damn upset.

I did join the PTA because I was nosy and curious and my DD was having a hard time so wanted to learn the system. I met mums that used the PTA badge as a CV booster, some turned it into a club, but I didn’t care. Everyone joins the PTA for different reasons. I personally enjoy putting on events, so liked it. I know people that left because they hated it. I know people that stayed to get points with the headteacher - everyone’s got their motive.

I have seen mums with children that have businesses (as in kid entrepreneurs) or that are youth mayor, and sometimes I wonder if the parents are pushy, but sometimes it could be the kid that is pushing it. My DD is a teen now and only does the sports she loves, but when she was younger, she had to do 1 thing, at least. But I never posted it on IG or bragged about it - but I made her do it because I got zero sport or extracurricular - had no one at home invested in my hobbies - and now that she is a teen I push her if she asks me to. E.g. she told me she wants to take x seriously. She will have a “can’t be bothered day” and I’ll make her go - because I’m paying for it and she begged me. But if she is ill, we take time off. but I’m glad she has things she can do that keeps her “off the streets” - we live in a crazy city.

I also don’t think we all cook from scratch everyday, BUT I know people who do and it’s because they actually love it. They’ve found ways to make meals pretty quickly, and so a chicken fajita is a 30 min meal, but if you aren’t much of a cook it looks like a gourmet dish (Due to being a mum I’ve found ways to cheat spaghetti Bol, stir fries, I even make cupcakes in 30 mins as a snack).

So you don’t know peoples lives. They might actually love the hustle and bustle - I know I look back and don’t regret a thing. If it compromised my relationship with my kid and my DD hated me, then maybe I would have regrets.

right? whats wrong with cooking from scratch? historical sightseeing?

@Ovenpizzafordinner if she is not moaning to you about how exhausted she is and that you must help her, if her kids are happy and well adjusted, perhaps dial down the judgement? we all try our hardest in different ways. For sure if you search mumsnet you will find a post judging pizza dinners and other things you do.
if your mum life is balanced, be grateful and fulfilled. Most of us are loopy mums. one way or another

Anxiety ... wanting to shape the world their child lives in according to their beliefs. Usually unsuccessful.

Either stay at home mum with loads of time and wants to channel their energy, It was how their mums and parents were and it has been passed down, or come from nothing and never want their kids to go back to nothing. My mum was the last one. I now take almost a reverse stance to parenting and schooling. It was way too much. I did two different clubs each night, competitions, instruments, shows, grammar school. Eventually burned out at 15 and turned to drugs and alcohol as a teen for a few years. And I have a lifelong inferiority complex.

I think some are driven by a concern, for one of a number of reasons, that if they don’t tick all the boxes their kids will have a worse life.

But I think there are others who just hate not being busy and assume their kids will too (possibly reinforced by the kids whining when they were small and not being actively occupied).

I've got a friend like this. She just has a very driven personality and I don't think she knows how to or wants to relax. She was talking about going on holidays with me and DH once which I shut down as I felt like there wouldn't be any relaxation on the holiday.

Her own kids were bright but without the driven personality and the ones that have left school did not achieve as highly as they could have at school as I think they were a bit over it all. I think it would have been fine if the kids had a similar personality to her though.

That would describe me.
City professional type by profession. Always been driven.

I'm involved in the PTA because when the kids were younger they missed parties at preschool because the parents "didn't ever see me at pickup". So I joined the PTA so I could feel a part of the school community.

Both kids are exceptionally bright. I feel like I have a responsibility to keep them challenged. Who knows what they are capable of. They have additional tutors because I work full time and having music tutors to the house means they don't miss out on extra curriculars.

Screens are limited because unlimited screen time makes them addicted little monsters.

I cook from scratch because I enjoy it. Ditto educational holidays. I get joy from learning.

You sound judgy. Everyone is different.

How do you know this? Are you there at the dance competitions observing that they don’t look happy?

Who knows. Why do you care?

Does she boast about it, or just get on with it?