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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU, fear of death

216 replies

aliveandhealthy · 12/02/2026 17:48

I was raised a Christian and grew up believing in god however I've recently come to the realisation that god is very very unlikely. For anyone interested here is my reasoning behind this conclusion:

A lot of people argue that the universe has to have a cause. The universe doesn't have to make sense, we cant just extend human logic to the universe. According to Einsteins Theory of Relativity, the big bang was the beginning of time. The argument "what came before the universe" or "how could the universe have appeared out of nowhere" doesn't make sense as there is quite literally no BEFORE the universe (time emerged alongside it). I know, mindboggling. That's why I said the universe doesn't' have to make sense it doesn't follow human logic.

Second of all it's very clear that all religions are created by humans. There is no reason to believe we are the centre of gods creation. Animals have conscience and it is VERY likely intelligent life exists somewhere else in the universe. There is no reason to assume we are special (like mosts religions suggest) simply because we appear to have more intelligence than other species. Also it's illogical to assume that god, the creator of the entire universe, would care about petty things, such as sex before marriage, gay sex, all these sins in the bible, these are very clearly moral values imposed by humans.

Also religion is very clearly based on fear. People are scared of death and so they resort to believing in a higher power and an afterlfie for comfort. People are scared of the unkown and so they use religon to explain concepts that cannot be explained. In the Roman Empire people used to believe gods are responsible for storms. Now we know that storms are caused by weather cycles and so this explanation falls apart. And yet we still have many unanswered questions, such as why does the universe exist, and so people resort to religion to explain them. People are also very scared to question religion, as they fear leaving it could lead to eternal suffering, hell. Religion is so powerful because most never question it due to fear of what happens if they do and due to how powerfully they've been indoctrinated.

There is no reason to believe your religion is any more true than any other religion. I used to be christian and I used to convince myself that christianity is real based on "all of the evidence for christ". Now that I look at this evidence from an objective standpoint it's very clear it cannot be held as actual evidence. For example the proof we have that Jesus resurrected are accounts written 100 years after his death by people who weren't alive at the time of his life. All religion has equal evidence. NONE. It is irrational to believe your religion is any more true than any other religion simply because of faith. There's literally zero reason when all have no evidence. Everyone claims their religion is the ONLY true religion.

As a result I've become quite sad recently, acknowledging that all of us have an inevitable death. Neuroscience makes it clear that conscience is an illusion created by the brain. As neurological activity ceases, conscience also ceases. I've heard that you won't suffer during death as you won't be aware of your non existence, just like before birth. But can you imagine your conscience not existing forever? It's crazy that one day we will not exist for eternity. I understand we won't feel it, just like we didn't feel anything before birth, but at least before birth our lives were still to come and after death what if there's nothingness forever? Sad really.

Is my fear irrational, has anyone been in a similar situation?

If we were born even 500 years later, biological immortality will maybe be possible. Death wouldn't be an issue. If only we were born a little later...

OP posts:
ThePerfectWeekender · 13/02/2026 01:49

I 'died' on the operating table and have been on life support in ICU twice in a coma. From going to sleep to waking up there was absolutely nothing, no conscious passing of time.
I imagine if I hadn't woken (which all three times I wouldn't have without medical intervention), it would have continued. My life never passed before my eyes and there was no tunnel of light.
This is just my experience. I have a life limiting condition and aren't afraid.

Zemu · 13/02/2026 04:05

I recommend watching some discussions of consciousness with Rupert Spira and Bernardo Kastrup. You don’t have to believe in any particular religion to interrogate your own “beingness”.

Catwalking · 13/02/2026 07:32

Are you afraid of your actual death, or being dead?
Many yrs ago my c of e brought up DGM died age 94. She’d had twins, but 1 died at birth, her DD died young from a rare inherited condition, I think part of her hoped she’d be with these children once dead? She promised me she’d come & haunt (in nicest way obvs) me if she possibly could… I’ve had no evidence at all of her being around in anyway since her death.

AIBU, fear of death
Echobelly · 13/02/2026 10:06

raspberets · 12/02/2026 19:46

Does your religion accept that once you die that’s it Echobelly?

Judaism is a bit vague about it, it doesn't really dwell on any afterlife. There is an idea of 'the world to come' when every good person will be resurrected in the time of the Messiah, but that isn't talked about too much in European ashkenzi Judaism. Middle Eastern/South European sephardi Judism might talk about that a bit more. But it's still not that central - although it is why we don't cremate traditionally.

cardibach · 13/02/2026 11:30

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 12/02/2026 23:19

These things are truly awful, I totally agree about the pain and horror of all these and other terrible things. We are living in a world where death reigns, at least for now. It is not deliberate inaction from God, but the consequence of a living in a sick fallen world which is being made ever worse and sicker from the continual practice of evil and the innocent suffer. The Bible describes how bloodshed literally stains the earth and corrupts it, it ‘cries out’ from the ground, People wonder why God has such a problem with sin and the answer is easy - it’s because sin is death! He hates sin because he doesn’t want us to die. He loves us more than I can possibly describe.
This is a very precious thing for me personally and I haven’t openly shared it anywhere else but I will here. So I was talking with God a few years back, heart to heart, and he gave me a glimpse of his broken heart for humanity. His broken heart as Father God and I heard him weep. Literally, crying. He is utterly heartbroken over us, like a parent grieving. That shook me, it was all I could think of for weeks and weeks after. I will never forget the sound of God, my God, weeping and the pain that was in it 💔

So he’s not omnipotent then?
Or he doesn’t care?
Has to be one or the other.

cardibach · 13/02/2026 11:30

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 12/02/2026 23:19

These things are truly awful, I totally agree about the pain and horror of all these and other terrible things. We are living in a world where death reigns, at least for now. It is not deliberate inaction from God, but the consequence of a living in a sick fallen world which is being made ever worse and sicker from the continual practice of evil and the innocent suffer. The Bible describes how bloodshed literally stains the earth and corrupts it, it ‘cries out’ from the ground, People wonder why God has such a problem with sin and the answer is easy - it’s because sin is death! He hates sin because he doesn’t want us to die. He loves us more than I can possibly describe.
This is a very precious thing for me personally and I haven’t openly shared it anywhere else but I will here. So I was talking with God a few years back, heart to heart, and he gave me a glimpse of his broken heart for humanity. His broken heart as Father God and I heard him weep. Literally, crying. He is utterly heartbroken over us, like a parent grieving. That shook me, it was all I could think of for weeks and weeks after. I will never forget the sound of God, my God, weeping and the pain that was in it 💔

So he’s not omnipotent then?
Or he doesn’t care?
Has to be one or the other.

raspberets · 13/02/2026 12:15

Echobelly · 13/02/2026 10:06

Judaism is a bit vague about it, it doesn't really dwell on any afterlife. There is an idea of 'the world to come' when every good person will be resurrected in the time of the Messiah, but that isn't talked about too much in European ashkenzi Judaism. Middle Eastern/South European sephardi Judism might talk about that a bit more. But it's still not that central - although it is why we don't cremate traditionally.

Ah, interesting regarding the non cremation. Thanks!

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:20

cardibach · 13/02/2026 11:30

So he’s not omnipotent then?
Or he doesn’t care?
Has to be one or the other.

When we see terrible things happening in the world, especially to innocents like children it is terrible. I can understand why people can think that if there is a God he must not care or lacks power. Yet he is both omnipotent and loving. The problem is people doing evil that is the root of all suffering, we have free will choice to do good or evil. With our hands we can commit murder, make war or we can give care and help. With our words we can crush and maim, evil words can drive people to despair, to end their lives or end the lives of others (I am thinking at the moment of the terrible school shooting in Canada) or with words we can love, protect, nurture and support, encourage, build up, heal. The latter is God’s heart, that is what he wants for us, to love eachother.
God gave Moses the 10 commandments but his people failed to keep them just as we are all guilty of breaking God’s law because we are incapable of doing right, at least for more than 5 minutes(!), we continually mess us, we continually hate and hurt eachother and spill blood (literally and spiritually).
We live in a fallen and deeply broken world but we have not been abandoned. There is hope, there is a Redeemer. God’s very active plan is to redeem the world, save us from ourselves. But he doesn’t force himself upon us, we can choose to accept or reject his son Jesus. It is a free gift but many (most) will reject it. Narrow is the gate that leads to life:

Matthew 7 13You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. 14But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and few find it.

GalaxyJam · 13/02/2026 14:22

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:20

When we see terrible things happening in the world, especially to innocents like children it is terrible. I can understand why people can think that if there is a God he must not care or lacks power. Yet he is both omnipotent and loving. The problem is people doing evil that is the root of all suffering, we have free will choice to do good or evil. With our hands we can commit murder, make war or we can give care and help. With our words we can crush and maim, evil words can drive people to despair, to end their lives or end the lives of others (I am thinking at the moment of the terrible school shooting in Canada) or with words we can love, protect, nurture and support, encourage, build up, heal. The latter is God’s heart, that is what he wants for us, to love eachother.
God gave Moses the 10 commandments but his people failed to keep them just as we are all guilty of breaking God’s law because we are incapable of doing right, at least for more than 5 minutes(!), we continually mess us, we continually hate and hurt eachother and spill blood (literally and spiritually).
We live in a fallen and deeply broken world but we have not been abandoned. There is hope, there is a Redeemer. God’s very active plan is to redeem the world, save us from ourselves. But he doesn’t force himself upon us, we can choose to accept or reject his son Jesus. It is a free gift but many (most) will reject it. Narrow is the gate that leads to life:

Matthew 7 13You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. 14But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and few find it.

God’s very active plan is to redeem the world, save us from ourselves

His plan isn’t working too well. Maybe he should devise a new plan?

raspberets · 13/02/2026 14:23

ThePerfectWeekender · 13/02/2026 01:49

I 'died' on the operating table and have been on life support in ICU twice in a coma. From going to sleep to waking up there was absolutely nothing, no conscious passing of time.
I imagine if I hadn't woken (which all three times I wouldn't have without medical intervention), it would have continued. My life never passed before my eyes and there was no tunnel of light.
This is just my experience. I have a life limiting condition and aren't afraid.

This gives me comfort, thanks for posting weekender,

cardibach · 13/02/2026 14:24

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:20

When we see terrible things happening in the world, especially to innocents like children it is terrible. I can understand why people can think that if there is a God he must not care or lacks power. Yet he is both omnipotent and loving. The problem is people doing evil that is the root of all suffering, we have free will choice to do good or evil. With our hands we can commit murder, make war or we can give care and help. With our words we can crush and maim, evil words can drive people to despair, to end their lives or end the lives of others (I am thinking at the moment of the terrible school shooting in Canada) or with words we can love, protect, nurture and support, encourage, build up, heal. The latter is God’s heart, that is what he wants for us, to love eachother.
God gave Moses the 10 commandments but his people failed to keep them just as we are all guilty of breaking God’s law because we are incapable of doing right, at least for more than 5 minutes(!), we continually mess us, we continually hate and hurt eachother and spill blood (literally and spiritually).
We live in a fallen and deeply broken world but we have not been abandoned. There is hope, there is a Redeemer. God’s very active plan is to redeem the world, save us from ourselves. But he doesn’t force himself upon us, we can choose to accept or reject his son Jesus. It is a free gift but many (most) will reject it. Narrow is the gate that leads to life:

Matthew 7 13You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. 14But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and few find it.

No. People doing evil is not responsible for malarial deaths or congenital defects. God allows it at best or deliberately makes it happen at worst. In either case if he cared and was omnipotent he could stop it.

raspberets · 13/02/2026 14:24

I can’t be arsed with christiansplaining,

wastheherennow · 13/02/2026 14:38

BlueJuniper94 · 12/02/2026 17:56

You mention sex before marraige and gay sex just being arbitrary man made morals - they're not, there is actually very coherent theological reasons to do with the telos of man.

Would you consider speaking to a priest about this?

Unbelievable

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:38

People are stubborn and proud. They have always liked to be their own god, and do what they want, worship the things they want, go their own way. What can he do with people that refuse to listen to his call to safety?

He can cast out a life ring to a drowning man, but it is their choice to it grab it or not. Based on what I witnessed in hearing God’s heartbreak, most are choosing death over the life ring.

Free will choice is intrinsic to his redemptive plan, he does not force salvation on anyone. He stands at the door and knocks.

wastheherennow · 13/02/2026 14:38

GalaxyJam · 13/02/2026 14:22

God’s very active plan is to redeem the world, save us from ourselves

His plan isn’t working too well. Maybe he should devise a new plan?

hahaha
Yes maybe he fell asleep

Allseeingallknowing · 13/02/2026 14:41

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 12/02/2026 23:28

You honestly can see them after! There are so many people who have seen relatives in heaven, even family members that they never got to meet before on earth before they got there, like siblings lost to miscarriage and great-great grandparents. Jesus is the key though, he is the only way to heaven because we’ve all done things wrong and doing ‘good stuff’ doesn’t just cancel it out. Sin is like the bloodshed that stains the ground, no amount of trying to be good can cover up or wash away the blood stains. Only the once and for all sacrifice of Jesus on the cross paid the cost of those stains and washed them away forever. I’ve heard it said that all religions are equal, however Christianity stands alone in that it isn’t about what you can do for God, but what God did for you.

Your username is so apt!

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:49

I am very used to being not believed. It is so hard, I don’t want anyone to go to hell but people have convinced themselves there is no such place and death is nothing to fear. It could not be further from the truth, Jesus warned more about hell than he taught about heaven. He does not want anyone to go to that terrible place. Nothing I can say will make a difference and I find it so hard. It’s not like a jail sentence and you get to walk out after x time, it is forever 💔

Wabbajack · 13/02/2026 14:51

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:20

When we see terrible things happening in the world, especially to innocents like children it is terrible. I can understand why people can think that if there is a God he must not care or lacks power. Yet he is both omnipotent and loving. The problem is people doing evil that is the root of all suffering, we have free will choice to do good or evil. With our hands we can commit murder, make war or we can give care and help. With our words we can crush and maim, evil words can drive people to despair, to end their lives or end the lives of others (I am thinking at the moment of the terrible school shooting in Canada) or with words we can love, protect, nurture and support, encourage, build up, heal. The latter is God’s heart, that is what he wants for us, to love eachother.
God gave Moses the 10 commandments but his people failed to keep them just as we are all guilty of breaking God’s law because we are incapable of doing right, at least for more than 5 minutes(!), we continually mess us, we continually hate and hurt eachother and spill blood (literally and spiritually).
We live in a fallen and deeply broken world but we have not been abandoned. There is hope, there is a Redeemer. God’s very active plan is to redeem the world, save us from ourselves. But he doesn’t force himself upon us, we can choose to accept or reject his son Jesus. It is a free gift but many (most) will reject it. Narrow is the gate that leads to life:

Matthew 7 13You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. 14But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and few find it.

It's in unbelievably poor taste to bring up a shooting that happened only a few days ago where most of the victims were children to proselytise about how people's suffering is their own fault. Would you say that to the face of someone who lost a loved one? Or just when hiding behind a username?

Wabbajack · 13/02/2026 14:52

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:49

I am very used to being not believed. It is so hard, I don’t want anyone to go to hell but people have convinced themselves there is no such place and death is nothing to fear. It could not be further from the truth, Jesus warned more about hell than he taught about heaven. He does not want anyone to go to that terrible place. Nothing I can say will make a difference and I find it so hard. It’s not like a jail sentence and you get to walk out after x time, it is forever 💔

How difficult for you. I think I can hear the world's smallest violin playing.

Twattergy · 13/02/2026 14:53

I agree with you about the very clear human-made nature of religion and gods. Seems crystal clear to me too. In terms of non existence - I dont find that sad, for me its quite reassuring. We get to be, and then we are not. This is the way of nature and we are, at the end of the day, just creatures.

raspberets · 13/02/2026 14:53

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 14:49

I am very used to being not believed. It is so hard, I don’t want anyone to go to hell but people have convinced themselves there is no such place and death is nothing to fear. It could not be further from the truth, Jesus warned more about hell than he taught about heaven. He does not want anyone to go to that terrible place. Nothing I can say will make a difference and I find it so hard. It’s not like a jail sentence and you get to walk out after x time, it is forever 💔

You’re a fear mongerer and a very patronising one.

raspberets · 13/02/2026 14:54

Twattergy · 13/02/2026 14:53

I agree with you about the very clear human-made nature of religion and gods. Seems crystal clear to me too. In terms of non existence - I dont find that sad, for me its quite reassuring. We get to be, and then we are not. This is the way of nature and we are, at the end of the day, just creatures.

I agree, the natural cycle of life.

finbow · 13/02/2026 14:54

Your reasoning is so different than mine so I’m struggling to understand. Why would anyone mind not existing, not being, no awareness, no feelings? What is scary about that?

I guess I just accepted death for what it is long time ago. It’s the ultimate part of life. Nothing you do will have a meaning if you’re perpetual, living forever and being just you forever.
The limited timeframe of life makes it precious and meaningful for a being that is aware of herself.

And from the perspective of how nature works - you do realise that having immortal people who procreate, (and immortal plants and immortal animals that reproduce) would be unsustainable for everybody?

I would read more literature on natural sciences and work on my acceptance of death. May be, Buddhism philosophy can help you there as well.

raspberets · 13/02/2026 14:57

finbow · 13/02/2026 14:54

Your reasoning is so different than mine so I’m struggling to understand. Why would anyone mind not existing, not being, no awareness, no feelings? What is scary about that?

I guess I just accepted death for what it is long time ago. It’s the ultimate part of life. Nothing you do will have a meaning if you’re perpetual, living forever and being just you forever.
The limited timeframe of life makes it precious and meaningful for a being that is aware of herself.

And from the perspective of how nature works - you do realise that having immortal people who procreate, (and immortal plants and immortal animals that reproduce) would be unsustainable for everybody?

I would read more literature on natural sciences and work on my acceptance of death. May be, Buddhism philosophy can help you there as well.

Beautifully said.

ImGoingtoSayitButyouWontBelieveme · 13/02/2026 15:03

Wabbajack · 13/02/2026 14:51

It's in unbelievably poor taste to bring up a shooting that happened only a few days ago where most of the victims were children to proselytise about how people's suffering is their own fault. Would you say that to the face of someone who lost a loved one? Or just when hiding behind a username?

That is not true and not what I said. I am going to say this one last thing then leave as I won’t be targeted for posting on here.

So I was taking about how words can hurt other people and drive them to despair. It is no secret that bullying costs lives, this is predominantly through abusive words. So speaking hateful words to others can cause them to end their lives or end the lives of others. That is the context I was referencing the school. It is absolutely horrific. Damaged people can go on to commit heinous crimes against others.