“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

How old is your aunt?

When women give advice to younger women they are quite often saying outloud what they wish they had done differently themselves at that age with the benefit of hindsight.

I'd guess your aunt didn't have great experiences with men/ sex when she was young and is now older, wiser and realises that men she once believed cared for her were in fact just using her for sex (or were very selfish in bed or something happened that left her feeling used).

I would certainly have some advice for my younger self along the lines of not using sex for validation or trying to be a cool girl when it came to men!

I don't think ONS work well for women in a young couple

They always worked brilliantly well for me as a young woman.

The male reliably gets off because his penis receives a ton of direct stimulation. But he has to know what he's doing to get the woman off and her orgasm is VASTLY less guaranteed, due to the clitoris not receiving direct stimulation during sex

Again, why is there this assumption here that a ONS just involves penetration and nothing else? And that sex for a woman is about lying there waiting for the man to get her off, rather than actually telling him or showing him what she needs?

I can assure you that a lack of 'direct stimulation' has never been a problem in any ONS I've had, and I wouldn't have had penetrative sex with someone until I'd had enough foreplay.

This was my experience. As teenagers we were brainwashed into thinking casual sex was fun, modern, empowering and celebrating equality.

In reality we found ourselves being used (and often assaulted) by both boys our age and much older men, risking our physical and mental health, putting ourselves in danger, and having no idea that we were allowed to have boundaries or respect for ourselves, or what that even meant.

Casual sex isn't the same for women and I have honestly never seen it make any woman I know genuinely happier. I would teach my daughters to protect and respect themselves, and have boundaries, instead.

If two people both want to have sex for its own sake, nobody's body is being 'used'. It's two people doing something together that they both enjoy.

😂

Definitely a judgy comment! I think as long as everyone involved knows what’s what and that it’s just a bit of fun then what’s the problem? I can’t imagine anyone saying that to a man about having casual sex with a woman! Women absolutely can have sex just to enjoy having sex, without wanting more. It’s ok if that’s what some women want to do and it’s ok if that isn’t what others want to do. Tbh, I think being judgy about anyone’s sex life (or lack of) is slightly vulgar and I’d see people who do judge others in a far, far more negative light than anyone who had any number of ons. I’m early 50s and have been in a ltr for 15+ years but absolutely had my fair share of casual fun before that, because why not? It was fun and I thoroughly enjoyed myself and if anyone judges me then they’re not the type of person I’d respect or want to be around 🤷🏼‍♀️

Wow Boomer judgement in full flow here!

Agreed

I would far rather use a reliable vibrator than have casual sex with someone I’m not too bothered about. Far less effort with a guaranteed positive outcome 🤣

However……like a few previous posters have said, why on earth are relatives discussing casual sex? Seems a very strange topic to be chatting about with family members.

But there are lots of women on this thread, including me, who are telling you that their experiences were great, and not like you describe at all.

Just because your experience was poor, why do you think you speak for all women? You don't.

Casual sex can be awful. Casual sex can be amazing. And guess what? Exactly the same is true of sex within committed relationships. But everyone seems happy to encourage those.

I would teach my daughters to protect and respect themselves, and have boundaries

Having casual sex doesn't mean someone has no boundaries. It means they have set the boundaries that work for them, rather than the boundaries that work for you.

😂
I'd love to be asked thsi IRL

When I have casual sex, believe me when I say I'm not the one being used

My point is, how many 19-year-olds in a ONS end up with both partners equally satisfied? Not the majority, I bet.

A ONS is a different kind of sex. Just like in a relationship you have the early honeymoon sex, then the luuurve sex. ONS sex is a bit like a sport. Its fun, lusty, exciting, but it doesn't always satisfy. Hopefully in a LTR when you discuss likes and dislikes you have sex that gets you off more often, but it won't always have the pure lust physicality of a ONS. Swings and roundabouts.

“That sounds very much a you problem” and the men you’re picking 😄

in fairness to men, i think a lot of them just want to have normal sex with normal people.

It's fine if it's okay for you - I know people who are fine and happy doing all kinds of things that I view as destructive or dangerous or whatever else - but I would definitely counsel a younger woman in the same way as the aunt.

I had one and it made me feel awful, just utterly used. Horrible experience. I prefer some emotional connection with someone I'm having sex with.

There are some weirdly warped notions of sex on this thread.

Just because sex is casual, that doesn't mean people don't care about each other's pleasure.

I've never had casual sex in which the man didn't want to make sure I had a great time, and in which I didn't want to make sure they had a great time too.

A vibrator provides an orgasm, but it provides none of the many other things I want from sex - one of which is giving as much pleasure to someone else as they're giving to me.

Nobody is being used in that situation.

🙋🏻‍♀️

I agree with you and @BlueJuniper94wholeheartedly

I experienced the whole bullying, desperation, low self esteem and it went absolutely horribly.

Even in university, the sexual encounters are mortifying to look back on. And I would have said I enjoyed it back then - but It was all about male validation. What I wanted was an actual boyfriend but I took the scraps.

I am 100% anti-slut shaming and misogyny but I think it’s rubbish that causal sex is just sooo amazing and if you don’t shag around as a young adult, you’ve never lived. It’s a nope from me.

What makes you think alcohol is (always) involved? I like to be sober when I have sex.

But why would you counsel a grown woman at all? Why would you assume that they couldn't decide for themselves who to have sex with? You just said to me 'It's fine if it's okay for you', so why wouldn't you let other women decide what's fine for them too, rather than trying to mould their sexual behaviour into some thing that suits you rather that whatever it is that suits them?

Let's hope they don't become parents

Some of the posts are scary. So many women thinking sex is just for male pleasure/desire.
Maybe they come from very religious backgrounds or have been sexually abused, and their attitude would be understandable.
But to not understand that women can LOVE casual sex? How smallminded. I bet they are the same types who think prostitutes lives are less valuable.

The question was asking posters as,to whether a ONS would suit people. I have said not for me, but each to their own. 🤷‍♀️

If everyone is happy, then no problem.

Why the hell would I be bothered to judge people I don’t know, off of the net?

I’ve had, over many years, and have still got, a great sex life. I just don’t do ONS’s.

I would have thought, nowadays, that women should be able to decide what’s right for them. 🙄