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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

573 replies

Plorah · 12/02/2026 15:42

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

OP posts:
Barnbrack · 15/02/2026 07:32

OtterlyAstounding · 15/02/2026 07:22

But if you're going to be responsible regarding sex, then you'd need dental dams for oral, and if they're going to use manual stimulation...well, many men are a bit shit at using their fingers, especially in a typical one night stand situation where they may be several drinks in and not know exactly what their partner likes having never met them before...and if you want to use a toy, then you may as well skip the risk of shit sex, rape, or STIs, and just use the toy at home by yourself 😂

And considering only 11% of women orgasm during one night stands, clearly men AREN'T doing a good job!

I'm 43, I've never had a ons, I've also not experienced medical who are crap at sex. I've only had 2 sexual partners and both have been more than adequate even with a drink in them. I'm sure plenty of women are having crap sex but I'm also sure plenty of women are having good casual sex. I had friends who went in for the friends with benefits type relationship when we were in our 29s, friends who had 1 night stands and 1 night stands that turned into relationships.

I'm not about to assume they were all having rubbish sex.

I didn't do casual sex because I never wanted to, I think probably one the young people labels like demi sexual might fit, I love sex but I'm only interested in having sex with someone after I'm attracted to them as a person so I need to get to know them quite well to want to have sex with them.

But as mentioned above I love having sex of all kinds so I wish I'd been up for more casual sex when younger. I've been with my husband 20 years, we're both very keen on sex but both very much need the relationship to want the sex.

Not everyone is the same. If I could have had the sex without the efforts of relationships there are a good few years in my past younger years where I'd have welcomed that.

OtterlyAstounding · 15/02/2026 07:49

Barnbrack · 15/02/2026 07:32

I'm 43, I've never had a ons, I've also not experienced medical who are crap at sex. I've only had 2 sexual partners and both have been more than adequate even with a drink in them. I'm sure plenty of women are having crap sex but I'm also sure plenty of women are having good casual sex. I had friends who went in for the friends with benefits type relationship when we were in our 29s, friends who had 1 night stands and 1 night stands that turned into relationships.

I'm not about to assume they were all having rubbish sex.

I didn't do casual sex because I never wanted to, I think probably one the young people labels like demi sexual might fit, I love sex but I'm only interested in having sex with someone after I'm attracted to them as a person so I need to get to know them quite well to want to have sex with them.

But as mentioned above I love having sex of all kinds so I wish I'd been up for more casual sex when younger. I've been with my husband 20 years, we're both very keen on sex but both very much need the relationship to want the sex.

Not everyone is the same. If I could have had the sex without the efforts of relationships there are a good few years in my past younger years where I'd have welcomed that.

If you've never had a one night stand, then you certainly can't speak about what men are often like during them.

It's a mixed bag, and most of my friends could also attest that it was a mix of crap sex, coercion (not that we would've labelled it such at the time), outright rape, mediocre sex, and thrilling sex, with at least several of them contracting STIs. Also, most of the women I knew experienced something that would these days be labelled rape at least once (and this was in the early 2000's).

And very few of the women I was friends with at that time (younger women, notably) really prioritised our own pleasure or orgasms over performing for a man - and pretty much none ever climaxed during a one night stand, even if the man put in an enthusiastic effort. The thrill of it, and the cache of doing something wild and 'liberating' and 'empowering' was the thing that most women seemed to be getting out of it, not real, intense, sustained pleasure complete with orgasms.

After all, an 11% orgasm rate doesn't indicate a truly great time, imo.

And as I said, if you want to be responsible your options are dental dams, fingers, or toys...and do you really think a slightly drunk man is going to want to bother with dental dams, or be skilful with his fingers? And if you're slightly drunk, orgasm will probably be even harder to achieve. And if you go with toys, you either need to take a toy with you, or take a strange man home to your house. You may as well stay home with your toy!

No, you're not missing out on anything by not having had casual sex!

Boomer55 · 15/02/2026 08:22

OtterlyAstounding · 15/02/2026 07:18

Yes, I know that it's thought to be good for your health and well-being to orgasm on a regular basis, but that can absolutely come from masturbation, with no need for a partner.

It just concerns me when people try to paint it as some consuming desire or need that's going to overwhelm them and has to be fulfilled, as it's the old argument that men used to justify rape - 'oh, I just couldn't control my desire, I had to!'

Yes. I’ve used a vibe when I haven’t had a partner, and it achieves the same physical release as anything else, just not any sort of human connection.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 15/02/2026 20:28

Barnbrack · 15/02/2026 07:16

I'm just checking but you know casual sex can also involve non penetrative stimulation? Right? One night stands as far as I'm aware involwv more than a dry quicky

I've yet to meet the ONS that isn't happy for me to sit on his face. Maybe some of you have been unlucky in this respect or perhaps not direct enough.

Barnbrack · 15/02/2026 20:32

OtterlyAstounding · 15/02/2026 07:49

If you've never had a one night stand, then you certainly can't speak about what men are often like during them.

It's a mixed bag, and most of my friends could also attest that it was a mix of crap sex, coercion (not that we would've labelled it such at the time), outright rape, mediocre sex, and thrilling sex, with at least several of them contracting STIs. Also, most of the women I knew experienced something that would these days be labelled rape at least once (and this was in the early 2000's).

And very few of the women I was friends with at that time (younger women, notably) really prioritised our own pleasure or orgasms over performing for a man - and pretty much none ever climaxed during a one night stand, even if the man put in an enthusiastic effort. The thrill of it, and the cache of doing something wild and 'liberating' and 'empowering' was the thing that most women seemed to be getting out of it, not real, intense, sustained pleasure complete with orgasms.

After all, an 11% orgasm rate doesn't indicate a truly great time, imo.

And as I said, if you want to be responsible your options are dental dams, fingers, or toys...and do you really think a slightly drunk man is going to want to bother with dental dams, or be skilful with his fingers? And if you're slightly drunk, orgasm will probably be even harder to achieve. And if you go with toys, you either need to take a toy with you, or take a strange man home to your house. You may as well stay home with your toy!

No, you're not missing out on anything by not having had casual sex!

Have you had any ONS? because the people I know who have it's a mix of good and bad reports. I have a lot of friends and an open (and fairly dirty) mind and gave heard good and bad sex stories from casual and long term relationships.

OtterlyAstounding · 15/02/2026 20:39

Barnbrack · 15/02/2026 20:32

Have you had any ONS? because the people I know who have it's a mix of good and bad reports. I have a lot of friends and an open (and fairly dirty) mind and gave heard good and bad sex stories from casual and long term relationships.

Yes. Quite a few, in my youth. I speak from experience.

OtterlyAstounding · 16/02/2026 05:27

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 15/02/2026 20:28

I've yet to meet the ONS that isn't happy for me to sit on his face. Maybe some of you have been unlucky in this respect or perhaps not direct enough.

With a dental dam? Or are you just happy to risk catching genital herpes?

ETA: I was lucky enough not to, but I knew several women/teenage girls who caught genital herpes, most likely from oral sex, despite their partner not having a visible sore.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 16/02/2026 09:58

OtterlyAstounding · 16/02/2026 05:27

With a dental dam? Or are you just happy to risk catching genital herpes?

ETA: I was lucky enough not to, but I knew several women/teenage girls who caught genital herpes, most likely from oral sex, despite their partner not having a visible sore.

Edited

Well I didn't and I don't.
You're experience of ONS seems to be through other people, not the best place to pass comment from really.
Perhaps live your own life

TrexAndMe · 16/02/2026 10:11

Probably best not to speak from experience given the topic! Surely oral is a no-no? I’ve done it as a teenager when I didn’t know the risks and was pressured/forced, but never as an adult for casual sex.

You can’t have a natural sexual encounter with a random person with unknown sexual health status (who is also having ONS with however many other people). You have to always be aware that they could pass you anything.

OtterlyAstounding · 16/02/2026 10:14

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 16/02/2026 09:58

Well I didn't and I don't.
You're experience of ONS seems to be through other people, not the best place to pass comment from really.
Perhaps live your own life

What on earth? In my post you quoted, I heavily implied I'd had one night stands, I've also explicitly said in a post just above that I've had many one night stands in my mis-spent youth, and you'll notice in my post a bit further above, quoted by Barnbrack, that I said 'our' several times, implying that yes, I was one of those people. What is it with people's terrible reading comprehension?

I was in my teens in the early 00's, and throughout my mid to late teens, engaged in many one night stands and casual sex, something my friends continued to do into their early twenties, and as I said....

"It's a mixed bag, and most of my friends could also attest that it was a mix of crap sex, coercion (not that we would've labelled it such at the time), outright rape, mediocre sex, and thrilling sex, with at least several of them contracting STIs. Also, most of the women I knew experienced something that would these days be labelled rape at least once (and this was in the early 2000's).

And very few of the women I was friends with at that time (younger women, notably) really prioritised our own pleasure or orgasms over performing for a man - and pretty much none ever climaxed during a one night stand, even if the man put in an enthusiastic effort. The thrill of it, and the cache of doing something wild and 'liberating' and 'empowering' was the thing that most women seemed to be getting out of it, not real, intense, sustained pleasure complete with orgasms."

I'm not sure what 'live my own life' is meant to mean. Obviously, I am living my own life. I asked a question of you, as not using dental dams puts you at risk of contracting herpes. You're lucky that you didn't!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 16/02/2026 16:04

Grammarnut · 13/02/2026 15:29

What sort of connection do you want out of sex if not a loving bond?

mutual satisfaction from sex!

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 16/02/2026 16:18

OfficeofNationalStatistics · 13/02/2026 21:20

Having skimmed through the thread, I can see that I am something of an outlier.

I have no problem orgasming with PIV alone. I don’t need an emotional attachment to have sex. It’s just sex. While I do believe sex is important in a committed relationship, I don’t believe a committed relationship is necessary for sex. I have had a few one night stands, not many. They served a purpose. I wanted sex. I didn’t feel used or hollow afterwards. On every occasion the man wanted a relationship following the ONS. I didn’t.

Can I join you on the outliers’ bench? You could be writing about my experience!

SleeplessInWherever · 16/02/2026 16:39

I have to say, at 36 years old, I was today years old when I Googled “what is a dental dam,” and it looks like the least appealing way possible to have oral sex.

Boomer55 · 16/02/2026 17:01

SleeplessInWherever · 16/02/2026 16:39

I have to say, at 36 years old, I was today years old when I Googled “what is a dental dam,” and it looks like the least appealing way possible to have oral sex.

I googled it as well as I’d never heard of it. I’m sorry, but if I need to go through that sort of unsexy palaver, I’d sooner just use my vibrator. 🙄

Luckily, I’ve got a much loved partner who I trust, so sorted. 👍

OtterlyAstounding · 17/02/2026 02:41

SleeplessInWherever · 16/02/2026 16:39

I have to say, at 36 years old, I was today years old when I Googled “what is a dental dam,” and it looks like the least appealing way possible to have oral sex.

I know! Which is probably why my friends and I never used them, only condoms - and I'm sure very few adults use dental dams either. But now in my late 30's, while dental dams (and even condoms these days, frankly) seem like an unbearable bother, I can't imagine being that irresponsible with my health.

So that's a major factor towards why, should I ever be single again, I'll probably be avoiding casual sex!!

Carla786 · 18/02/2026 04:34

OtterlyAstounding · 17/02/2026 02:41

I know! Which is probably why my friends and I never used them, only condoms - and I'm sure very few adults use dental dams either. But now in my late 30's, while dental dams (and even condoms these days, frankly) seem like an unbearable bother, I can't imagine being that irresponsible with my health.

So that's a major factor towards why, should I ever be single again, I'll probably be avoiding casual sex!!

As someone who only dates women, it's very annoying that they're like that. But otoh if you're in a LTR (as women dating women tend to be) & mutually faithful (hopefully!), you shouldn't need one so much unless you already have something.

Otoh a lot of lesbians & bi women got less ed on this & some assume you can't get STDs from this kind of sex, which is dangerous. It's important they're known about.

Carla786 · 18/02/2026 04:37

TrexAndMe · 16/02/2026 10:11

Probably best not to speak from experience given the topic! Surely oral is a no-no? I’ve done it as a teenager when I didn’t know the risks and was pressured/forced, but never as an adult for casual sex.

You can’t have a natural sexual encounter with a random person with unknown sexual health status (who is also having ONS with however many other people). You have to always be aware that they could pass you anything.

Exactly! The pp who joked about period oral sex on a ONS terrified me 🤣

Carla786 · 18/02/2026 04:38

Boomer55 · 14/02/2026 06:35

Yes, I agree with that - if there’s something you really don’t want to do, then it needs to be made clear. And, of course, vice versa.

It would be pointless and joyless, for me, to be taking part in any sex act that I didn’t want to do. Or for my partner to be doing something with me that he didn’t like doing.

And the plus point to being in a committed relationship is that you can talk about likes/dislikes beforehand, in a relaxed way. Not as a list of conditions, just in conversation.

Exactly, good post

Carla786 · 18/02/2026 04:39

OtterlyAstounding · 14/02/2026 13:20

Sex is not a need. You will not die for lack of sex. It is a proven fact.

And after all, what would you do if you wanted sex, but you couldn't find anyone who consented to sex? I'm hopeful you wouldn't rape anyone, and I'm quite certain you'd survive despite the lack of sex.

The argument that people 'need' sex is precisely the one that men use to justify prostitution and rape. They 'need' it and therefore women must provide it, or they'll take it forcefully. It's a disturbing attitude.

Yes, this is why I don't like that argument.

Carla786 · 18/02/2026 04:40

Boomer55 · 15/02/2026 07:11

I don’t think you’ll die from lack of sex, but it was (still is?) thought that regular and satisfying sexual release does actually help mental and physical health.

Something to do with the chemicals released when having an orgasm.

Whether that’s from a committed partnership, casual sex partners, masturbation /sex aids, or a combination of them all, is basically often just a matter of preference. Plus, sometimes, how your hormones are.

It’s not a need, but it’s a strong desire.

I think I've read the hormones released during sex can help with pain relief, it definitely has physical benefits.

Boomer55 · 18/02/2026 07:17

I’ve always felt better when in a sexual and close relationship. I’ve been on HRT for many years (extremely young full hysterectomy) and my libido and desire for sex has never changed.

But, I guess part of my healthy feeling is that I like being in a close and loving relationship as well.

The sexual satisfaction is the icing on the cake. 😊

And, no condoms or dental dams needed. 👍

Others prefer different things, so all good.

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 23:05

Boomer55 · 13/02/2026 17:20

Oh, I just assumed it had changed over the years. I worked as a barmaid, years ago, before starting a job, and I used to hear the blokes and how they talked about some women to their mates. .

Shame it hasn’t changed then. 🙄😂

I think it will be a long time before it changes a lot. I mean, it's hard for women to know how men talk about sex behind closed doors/with only other men around, but male or mainly-male chat forums generally don't give one very cheerful idea.

OfficeofNationalStatistics · 21/02/2026 10:53

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 23:05

I think it will be a long time before it changes a lot. I mean, it's hard for women to know how men talk about sex behind closed doors/with only other men around, but male or mainly-male chat forums generally don't give one very cheerful idea.

My experience of chat forums, like this one, is that people are a lot more forthcoming when they are protected by a cloak of anonymity.

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