“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

Yup, me too 🙋🏼‍♀️Usually far more fun than being plastered.

Yes exactly

It's not about judging and shaming for me at all, it's the opposite - all the judging and shaming goes hand-in-hand with encouraging women to accept a toxic sexist culture that allows men to objectify and damage us without complaining. For me it's about being able to reject that culture and realise that we are worth more.

I remember a friend in school telling me how great it was that a boy in a club would pick YOU out of all the girls to go home with. Casual sex would be great in theory maybe but in reality it ends up being all about male validation and female objectification.

You are backtracking. Your previous posts were very judgy and passive aggressive.

This 100%. I had plenty of ONS when I was young for completely the wrong reasons and it really messed me up for quite a while afterwards. That's not to say ONS are wrong but you are absolutely correct that young women often feel pressured to have them for the wrong reasons.

Now I am in my 40s I think I could have ONS and have them be enjoyable because I am much more confident and I dont require a man to validate me or my worth.

However, I have to say, it seems that nowadays people seem to get shamed for having "vanilla" sex and things like choking and anal are expected as the norm due to porn so I am not sure I agree that we as a society are becoming more puritanical, I feel that unhealthy pressure is being exerted the other way now so that women are being shamed for being "prudes" simply because they dont want to be choked during sex for example.

Because I care about them and would share my thoughts and experience, just like I would on any other topic. As I said, there are people happy doing all sorts of things that I would not encourage a young person I cared about to do. Bonnie Blue is apparently very happy but if my 19 year old niece said she wanted to go down that path I wouldn't say, great, go for it.

I don’t understand. Most boomers were having fun in the swinging sixties right?

There’s nothing better than meeting a stranger, having a night of hot fucking, and going your separate ways. I could do it every week!

I doubt they actually agreed. They probably did not want to cause a heated debate.

Yes, I bet the man in the couple doesn't enjoy it at all, as he would probably ejaculate within 5 seconds at that age.

I think it’s rubbish that casual sex is just sooo amazing and if you don’t shag around as a young adult, you’ve never lived

I don't think anyone on this thread is saying that. Nobody here is judging anyone for not wanting casual sex.

The only people making blanket judgements about other women's sex lives are the ones who are claiming that all casual sex is damaging and disrespectful and linked to low self-esteem.

I don't see anyone here telling the people who aren't into casual sex that there's something wrong with them. It's all the other way around.

It was all about male validation. What I wanted was an actual boyfriend but I took the scraps

But just because that was your motivation for casual sex, that doesn't mean all women feel like that. I'm almost 50 and I've been with my partner for 23 years; I haven't had casual sex for a long time. (In fact, the last time I had casual sex was the casual sex I had with him, as I'd initially assumed it was going to be a ONS). But I don't look back on the casual sex I had in my 20s with any sense of sadness or regret at all. I look back on it with great fondness.

It's perfectly OK to feel regret or to acknowledge that you feel you made mistakes with your sex life when you were younger, and I'm sorry you feel that way about it. But the problem comes when you project that on to women as a whole and assume that everyone does/will end up feeling that way. They won't.

Yeah, I don't get that comment either. Many people born between 1946 and 1964 had wild sex too back in the day! (With strangers!) Just because one doesn't 'agree' with it, that doesn't mean everyone in that age group has the same view.

There are some uptight, prudish people of all ages on this thread.

That’s ridiculous. I’m nearly 60 and in my younger single days I used and discarded plenty of male bodies and enjoyed it.

Why?

Well I disagree, we’ve already had ‘I feel sorry for you if you’re sex life is XYZ’. It’s seen as a rite of a passage to have lots of sex when you’re young, it means you have more fun and are better at sex.

Not every single person regrets every single experience, but for many people, tje resonate with the feelings of embarrassment and low self esteem, hence why several of us are in agreement. If it doesn’t apply, let it fly as they say. If you genuinely enjoy casual sex, then that is fine.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned in this thread, but there is a sexual health element - especially for a ONS. A FWB has no obligation to divulge details of who they’ve been with were with the day before, either. Even with a condom between us… not for me.

I think the chances of a ons being able to induce an amount of pleasure equal or greater to what I can achieve alone renders the idea pointless.

It's what a lot of us think. Quick hook-ups, ONS, etc are pretty ropey and not about a woman's pleasure. Why would you want to have sex with someone you don't know? Pretty amazed you think it odd people don't think ONS are a good thing, too.

Why just when you’re young!? It’s even more fun in older years when you’re more confident and know what you want sexually.

I can only speak for my experiences, I'm still fairly young. For older people, yes, you know your boundaries more (and yourself more) so it’s slightly different.

What you’re describing doesn’t even sound like sex.

Sex is fingers, tongues, all of the senses.

If I’m willingly naked with someone I am having an orgasm.

I make my expectations very clear. No oral is a deal breaker.

No foreplay is a deal breaker.

Same as in a relationship.

No man just going to stick his dick in me like I’m a damn turkey he’s stuffing.

Do you enjoy sex? Does your partner if you have one get you off?

Agree. It’s something you are emotionally able to do or not. No one’s right or wrong it’s just how we’re wired.

I have tried to have sex without attachment and I couldn’t do it. It felt totally wrong for me. Tbh I don’t even want to kiss someone I barely know let alone shag but I have very good friends who can have casual sex without batting an eyelid

I sometimes wish I could have sex without emotional attraction because I hate being celibate but I’m just not made that way.

And contrary to the OP Ive had more people judge me for not wanting casual sex than I’ve judged anyone else.

But it is judging and shaming if you're coming at it from the standpoint that all casual sex is about 'realising you are worth more', because you are attaching 'worth' to women's sexual behaviour. 'Worth' shouldn't even come into this. Women who have casual sex are not worth less than women who don't. Women who will only have sex in committed relationships are not worth more. There is no 'worth' about it.

If you cannot comprehend that women might want and enjoy casual sex for any other reason than seeking male validation, and you truly believe that no woman can possibly just enjoy sex for the sake of sex, your view of women is a fundamentally misogynistic one and every bit as toxic and sexist as the culture you claim to be opposing.

Women should, absolutely, not have casual sex if they don't want or enjoy it. Nobody should feel they have to have casual sex because they believe it's expected of them. But equally, no woman should be made to feel she shouldn't have casual sex if she does* *want and enjoy it - because then you're just imposing a different, but equally toxic and equally sexist, judgement on women's sexual behaviour that says 'if you want casual sex you don't know your own mind and are just desperate for male attention'. If you think the only reason any woman might have casual sex is a secret desire for male validation, then you hold a very misogynistic view of women's agency and sexuality.

That’s why he can use his fingers and tongue.

Could you have something inbetween like me.. friends with benefits with emotion involved? It doesn’t have to be either ONS or serious relationship.

Quick hook-ups, ONS, etc are pretty ropey and not about a woman's pleasure

It is genuinely astonishing to me that people think this is what all ONS must be like.

What do you mean “ anyone they can have sex with”?

I’m picky asf and have had casual sex.

Casual doesn’t mean “ anyone”. It means someone you find attractive.