Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

573 replies

Plorah · 12/02/2026 15:42

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

OP posts:
TheIceBear · 13/02/2026 16:21

ThatGreatCritic · 13/02/2026 15:39

Because they are so baffled by the idea that a woman receives pleasure and/or isn't harmed from a ONS. It can only be a projection of their own experiences of sex.

Show quote history

You can personally not enjoy that sort of thing without being baffled or believing woman are harmed by it. It doesn’t mean you don’t get physical pleasure from sex . Assuming women are just putting up with sex for the sake of an emotional connection is just as bad.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:23

inkognitha · 13/02/2026 09:32

Not read the full thread.

It’s looking liberating superficially but not in depth.

We are different from men, doing it like the guys and we will all be equal is bullshit.

Many women need an emotional connection much more than men do.

Even when we don’t want to build connection, our brain makes us want to bond after sex (I wish someone had explained it to me younger).

Also, the promise of sex is one of the most powerful motivators for men and one of the best tools women have at their disposal to influence men. The more men have casual sex on tap, the more they behave like AH and lower their standards.

Trivialising sex benefits men more than women. Always been the case, always will be.

I can understand young women these days were brought up with a more self-confident, self-centred approach and they have learned to prioritise their desire.

Yet, there are still so many young women who are vulnerable, who have low self-esteem, who want to fit, who yield to pressure, who want to be cool, who are going to go with this casual approach and get hurt.

And men will keep on cruising and using and abusing…

Why is it that “modern feminism” always ends up in the favour of men?

You wanted the power so you get it, and now … you’re in charge of your contraception, you will raise the children alone, now that you re empowered, you can do sex work, adopt kinks, have casual sex, do it like the men now that you re liberated -> you re actually more yielding to the patriarchy than ever before

It s very pick me girl too.

I see your point

'Also, the promise of sex is one of the most powerful motivators for men and one of the best tools women have at their disposal to influence men. The more men have casual sex on tap, the more they behave like AH and lower their standards.'

  • I partly agree, but this seems a sad perspective. Why should women HAVE to withhold sex to get men do behave ethically? Men aren't animals.

Re 'contraception and kids, surely making women do it all is obviously NOT equality? People dumping it on women doesn't mean equality itself is bad. Or feminism! Men don't do sex work, so clearly saying empowered women have to do it to be like the men I'd rubbish too.

Moreover...why DO so many young women have low self esteem anyway? Many reasons feminism should tackle.

ThatGreatCritic · 13/02/2026 16:25

TheIceBear · 13/02/2026 16:21

You can personally not enjoy that sort of thing without being baffled or believing woman are harmed by it. It doesn’t mean you don’t get physical pleasure from sex . Assuming women are just putting up with sex for the sake of an emotional connection is just as bad.

Show quote history

I agree you can. But some people clearly are baffled because they have expressed as much very clearly.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:26

TheIceBear · 13/02/2026 09:38

I don’t think what she said was appropriate but like many people here I don’t really enjoy casual sex. I don’t actually really start to fancy men unless I get to know them at least a bit . I don’t have to be in love with them or in a relationship with them to want sexual contact but I don’t fancy men until I know their personalities a bit, even very good looking men. I appreciate everyone is different and that there are plenty of women who would feel differently to me, in some ways I wish I knew what that was like to experience.

See, I would class 'casual sex' as any uncommitted sex, so including FWBs etc. Whereas many seem to see it as only ONSs.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:29

Grammarnut · 13/02/2026 09:44

Why not try something new with someone who loves and cares for you? And sexual hunger is a want, not a need, whereas hunger for food is a need.
We don't need sex, we only want it. If you do not eat you will starve to death, if you do not have sex you will be fine, and many people are, because it's not something we need to have, unlike food. That difference underlies our control of sexual appetite so that it does not harm us or others.
If you treat wanting sex as a need - or worse, a right - you open the door to evil and wicked practices, kinks, fetishes becoming normalised and prostituting women becoming sex work, pornography becomes a human right (for some). We have already done that, sadly. That's why we have people who think ONS are fun, edgy, trying out a new thing etc rather than treating women as things to be fucked. A ONS - or a series of them - will teach you nothing about good sex or how to love someone, it's on the level of eating a takeaway rather than a banquet of homemade food. Sorry, graphic, but that's how it is.

Edited
Show quote history

I agree quite a lot : otoh, what do you think of 2 men who have a one night stand? They aren't being sexist, in the same way. I suppose you could argue they're still treating each other as objects though.(Many gay men are beginning to say in articles that too mant hookups have harmed them) Or what about 2 women?

I agree broadly that even without sexism casual sex isn't ideal..I don't like people comparing a person to 'trying a new food', it would sound creepy if a man compared women to food...

TheIceBear · 13/02/2026 16:32

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:26

See, I would class 'casual sex' as any uncommitted sex, so including FWBs etc. Whereas many seem to see it as only ONSs.

Show quote history

yeh I understand what you are saying. I’m talking more about ons. I’ve only had one fwb situation and it did turn into a relationship so I don’t really have much experience of it.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:32

Grammarnut · 13/02/2026 09:54

What about other people around them? Is it ok if both partners are married to other people? If the sex results in pregnancy? We are not islands and making a sexual connection is deeply intimate leaving us always connected in some way to the other person. And what is consent? Sometimes women in particular are in the position of 'why say no?' rather than 'I want to say yes'. And just because you want to do something it doesn't mean you should do it even if no-one else is involved. It is treating your body as a thing, treating someone else as a thing - because we cannot see into someone else's mind - casual sex, continuous casual sex is psycholigically damaging because what humans crave is connection. ONS don't give that.
Loving, consensual sex with someone you love is far more fun than a series of ONS, and that series of ONS can damage the ability to make loving connections (just as being prostituted does).

Show quote history

This is a good point : Sometimes women in particular are in the position of 'why say no?' rather than 'I want to say yes'

It's hard for a woman to be completely safe in a casual encounter the way a man usually is.

Prostitution is clearly more damaging than a series of casual encounter, I think? Though clearly they can be harmful too.

Boomer55 · 13/02/2026 16:33

TheIceBear · 13/02/2026 16:21

You can personally not enjoy that sort of thing without being baffled or believing woman are harmed by it. It doesn’t mean you don’t get physical pleasure from sex . Assuming women are just putting up with sex for the sake of an emotional connection is just as bad.

Show quote history

Yes, again, it’s about whatever you prefer. 🤷‍♀️😉. Some prefer connection, some don’t need it. All good. 👍

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:33

Grammarnut · 13/02/2026 09:58

It's genuinely astonishing to a lot of people that women do not know this and know that casual sex only benefits men, not women. Women are not men and do not have the same emotional response to sex. Casual sex leaves an empty feel, a loss of connection. And the chances of an orgasm for a woman on a ONS are poor.

Edited
Show quote history

You shouldn't over generalise. Some women DO not feel empty & do feel benefit - are all the women on the thread lying or self-deceived otherwise, for one?

I agree with your post as a generalisation though.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:35

SorcererGaheris · 13/02/2026 10:30

@Carla786

I think what I'm seeing is a lack of nuance (which I think is also an element in puritanism.)

For example, some people seem to think that all relationships with large (or even just moderately large) age gaps are all innately predatory in nature. Some are, but you need to take it on a case-by-case basis. Especially when the younger person in question is 18 or over.

I think it's silly to get outraged over consenting adults in a relationship. A large age gap alone doesn't equal predation or even power imbalance.

Some people object to people in their thirties having relationships with people who are in their early twenties, and I just can't...I mean, my mother met my Dad when she was 23 and he was 37. Mum was a young woman, yes, but hardly a child! She'd already been married and divorced by that time and was fully capable of making her own decisions and thinking for herself.

They met. Started dating. Fell in love. Were together until Dad died in 2016.

Yet some people would find my parents' relationship inappropriate, which I find bizarre.

Show quote history

If I'm honest...I do see 23 and 37 as a big age gap. I can't imagine dating anyone that much older. Otoh everyone is different. I don't see that as predatory.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:36

OtterlyAstounding · 13/02/2026 10:00

Hear hear!

Show quote history

Don't you think it's sad though to say women have to withhold casual sex to get men to behave?

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:36

Grammarnut · 13/02/2026 09:57

You've nailed it. Thanks.

Show quote history

Don't you think it's sad though to say women have to withhold casual sex to get men to behave?

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:37

OtterlyAstounding · 13/02/2026 10:36

When it comes to Gen Z in particular, I think the exposure to (through friends or directly) hardcore pornography from a younger age, expectation of anal sex, strangulation being normalised, and being hit during sex getting sprung on them, along with a loss of social skills thanks to covid, less social drinking of alcohol, and a rise of them spending far, far more time on their screens, probably has more to do with Gen Z not having as much sex, than puritanism does.

Show quote history

Thank you!

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:38

SorcererGaheris · 13/02/2026 11:01

@OtterlyAstounding

I agree that that's probably the cause (or at least part of it) but it's resulting them in having (what I perceive to be) some rather puritanical-seeming views.

Show quote history

We grew up during MeToo. I thunk we learnt important stuff but some are overcorrecting

SorcererGaheris · 13/02/2026 16:39

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:35

If I'm honest...I do see 23 and 37 as a big age gap. I can't imagine dating anyone that much older. Otoh everyone is different. I don't see that as predatory.

Show quote history

@Carla786

It is of course a significant age gap, but that doesn't matter, provided both of the individuals are consenting and happy with the relationship.

For the same reason, relationships with even larger age gaps are fine too. It's a personal thing. What works for some people won't work for everyone.

SorcererGaheris · 13/02/2026 16:42

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:38

We grew up during MeToo. I thunk we learnt important stuff but some are overcorrecting

Show quote history

@Carla786

Yes, I think that's probably part of it. There isn't a one-size-fits-all here, but some people are calling perfectly legitimate, happy and consensual relationships into question.

If everyone involved in the relationship is consenting and happy, it's really no one else's business. Part of the philosophy that LGBT rights is built on.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:44

Grammarnut · 13/02/2026 13:26

I won't tell you that you don't know your own mind. Sex positivity is the feminist stance de jour. It suggests that use of porn is fine and harmless (not to the women taking part, it isn't), that sex work is work, that women can be like men and go in for what used to be called the 'zipless fuck' i.e. sex without consequences. But women are not men. I've said elsewhere that casual sex can cause emotional lows. Sex is about connection as well as fun - without connection it is no different from eating a good meal. But sex, unlike food, is a want not a need and treating it as a need is damaging (and not only to prostituted women and women who are used to make porn, either). There is also the problem that if sex is casually available men will feel entitled to sex...which they are not, because nobody is.
Edited for grammar.

Edited
Show quote history

I still feel uncomfortable about saying effectively women must withhold sex or men wil demand it without caring about consent.

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:46

Boomer55 · 13/02/2026 14:22

I don’t think that’s what is being said. Back in the day, and it’s obviously very different now, it was considered to be to men’s advantage to have casual sex. Men used to boast about it to their mates. As some men do.🙄

Obviously, that must have changed, judging by the responses on here snd elsewhere.

We all need to find what’s best for us - whether it’s longer term, or ONS.

Whatever floats your boat. 👍

Show quote history

I definitely don't think that has changed -

'Men used to boast about it to their mates.'

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:47

ThatGreatCritic · 13/02/2026 15:20

Why cant you do oral or touch fluids?

I have had both FWB and ONS.

A lot of men really pride themselves on being skilled in the bedroom. Especially nowadays..

Show quote history

To protect from STDs, probably!

ThatGreatCritic · 13/02/2026 16:48

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:47

To protect from STDs, probably!

Show quote history

It was the assumption that nobody can rather than that they wouldn't..

PithyViewer · 13/02/2026 16:53

DownhillTeaTray · 12/02/2026 16:42

Gosh. I'm sorry for you, and the type of sex you've had.

I once told a ONS that I was on my period, so he may not want to go down there. His reply? "I love getting rusty!" 😆 And down he went.

Show quote history

Omg. T.M.I.!

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:57

JHound · 13/02/2026 15:39

It really doesn’t.

I bought a scone earlier because I really wanted a scone.

I booked a holiday in May because I really wanted a holiday.

I had sex with somebody because I really wanted to have sex with somebody.

Doing something because you want to do it does not, in anyway, shape or form suggest it’s a need.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, this

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:59

JHound · 13/02/2026 15:42

I mean that’s what people in sexless relationships say all the time.

Show quote history

Tbf plenty of people won't be able to have sex for various reasons. It is necessary to be able to be happy without it

ThatGreatCritic · 13/02/2026 17:02

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 16:59

Tbf plenty of people won't be able to have sex for various reasons. It is necessary to be able to be happy without it

Show quote history

PIV might be off limits but very little stops all sexual intimacy

Carla786 · 13/02/2026 17:05

Eddiestrangerthings · 13/02/2026 15:50

but society went the other way and tried to make it more shameful during the victorian era

Show quote history

There was still rampant prostitution then & pornography underground.