“Why would you have casual sex? Do you want a man to use your body and be done with you?l”

[Plorah]

I was with my family last weekend for a girls night. We were having a few glasses in the kitchen when an aunt said this to my 19 yo niece. I was taken aback and assumed everyone else was.

All the women present AGREED. I was really shocked as no one there is exactly a nun.

I’ve had a couple of ons and they were fun and carefree. I didn’t like the implication that sex is not about a woman’s pleasure.

This is an insane take right? I don’t know if it’s just me but a lot of women I know are aligning a lot more with radical feminism these days ie Viewing and men quite cynically.

Those present were ALL in relationships. Just weird

I was just surprised this take was popular.

Yes maybe you need more time to feel that with someone. I have met people and found we had that by the end of the night. Enough for sex with them to be highly desirable, anyway.

Casual sex is not for me.

Now.

When I was younger it was. And I never saw it as somebody “doing something to my body”. I was simply horny and wanted to have sex with somebody but did not want any form of engagement with them afterwards.

I am always perplexed by people who struggle with the concept that women are not a monolith.

This attitude is just as bad as judging women who have casual sex. Assuming women who do not don’t get physical pleasure from sex or that they are better sexual partners than such women. How do you know they have not experienced good sex ?

It's a good thing we don't all have to agree and have agency in our own lives. A wonderful thing not afforded to generations previous. I appreciate it a great deal.

It really doesn’t.

I bought a scone earlier because I really wanted a scone.

I booked a holiday in May because I really wanted a holiday.

I had sex with somebody because I really wanted to have sex with somebody.

Doing something because you want to do it does not, in anyway, shape or form suggest it’s a need.

Because they are so baffled by the idea that a woman receives pleasure and/or isn't harmed from a ONS. It can only be a projection of their own experiences of sex.

I would argue that we do have a sex positive society and that this has been ruinous for women (and for men but differently). It has produced a society that sees porn as ethical and ok to watch, calls prostitution sex work and allows the sexualization of children, who have access to porn at younger and younger ages.

We need a society that values people and sexual relations. A society that does not make kinks and fetishes mainstream and say this is a good thing. BDSM is good for no-one and consent to it is arguable in many cases. Have you not seen the posts on strangling, a thing young men think young women like and which young women find they are having to put up with (along with other things they might not want such as anal sex - which dangerous for women causing injury to the bowel) or be called frigid? That is the sex positivity we have and we could do without it.
As for ONS - if you want to to, do so. Don't expect a lot out of them.

Exactly this. Not that I'm married now or ever want to be.

Not sure needing sex to have a sense of well-being is healthy.

I mean that’s what people in sexless relationships say all the time.

As I said, we don't have to agree at all.

Sex is a very positive and fulfilling aspect of many people's lives. Not just a burden they have to carry to be in a relationship.

?

Condoms? You shouldn’t be doing oral? Probably don’t want their stuff on you?

Would have been more interesting if you responded to the rest of the post but never mind.

The availability of porn isnt want makes society sex positive. Porn can be sex positive. Lots isnt. Sex positive doesn't mean talking everyone to have sex, its telling people that is ok to have as much consensual sex as you want and breaks down the nuances of consent.

I dont know what you mean. Ive never used condoms for oral with anyone. Ive never had a partner who wouldnt touch bodily fluids. I really have no idea what you mean.

I had two ONS at university - although only one in the true sense as the other was a housemate of my friend who I knew well. Both left me feeling icky and gross - stranger man tried to do weird stuff and I stopped it and left; friend’s housemate couldn’t stay hard. Altogether they were two awful experiences.

I am 33 and married now so a moot point in many ways but the idea of casual sex really does gross me out. I have a single friend who seems to have sex regularly with all sorts of men and I don’t personally understand how it can be enjoyable. My husband gives me some explosive Os but we’ve been doing it for over a decade so know each other very well! I feel like sex with a stranger would always be disappointing.

but society went the other way and tried to make it more shameful during the victorian era

I’d prefer to use a vibrator.
In my younger years I wasn’t angel but most men aren’t great at giving pleasure. I hate wasting my time, any decent ons turned into a relationship of sorts.

@Grammarnut do you not grasp that these things are not absolutes? If a loving couple want to try a bit of BDSM and enjoy it then they can, so it is not true to say ‘good for no-one’. And who are you to sit in judgement about not expecting much from a ONS? I’ve had some bloody amazing ones thank you. For the avoidance of doubt please do give us a list of what is and isn’t OK with you. I had a fling once with a chap whose surname was Darcy, we had a great night with him chasing me around the bedroom calling me Miss Bennett. I guess that’s not allowed in grammarnutworld?

Well if he is ‘shoving’ it then no wonder you don’t enjoy it!

YANBU OP - I love sex, now with my DH, and previously with who I wanted to have sex with. Some people don’t like casual sex - ok but enjoyable sex is very liberating

Sorry, but you’re wrong. I’ve had great sex for decades, and hope to continue, but I’ve always had a real emotional connection with partners.

I’ve never tolerated anything from anyone. I’ve had so much joy from sex, and the rest of life, and I hope I’ve given it to my partners.

I think you’ve got a strange idea about connective sex to be honest. 😉

i recommend the books by nancy friday

They’re not and never have. I think you’ve misunderstood my posts. I just don’t want someone I don’t know in my bed.

I’ve always enjoyed sex, in all its variations. 🤷‍♀️. Just not with strangers.. 👍

Exactly. This isn't unknown in men too with sexual trauma or mental health problems, it's wrong to act like it's a sexist comment.

I wonder if one factor is that maybe pp is thinking of situations where a person is single and having trouble finding a partner (as a lot of Gen Z, for one, are these days for various reasons) for one reason or another, or does not want a partner at that point. Maybe?

Whereas you're thinking more of a situation where someone has a partner, so it makes sense they'd rather have sex with them than casual sex.