DS’s dad cut his hair without asking me

[Minimelanie]

me and DS’s dad are separated. Never married. He works full time and has his son on the weekends.
we agreed a hair cut when DS started school and he paid. I told him how I wanted it to be and it turned out ok although I do prefer longer hair on him.
the cut was a mid length shaggy cut. I now want DS to grow his hair long again so I told ex’s partner I want it to be left to grow (me and ex communicate by email or I pass messages to his partner).
she dropped DS back last week and he’s cut his hair into a crew cut without asking me.

Am I right to feel annoyed that he should have asked me? DS is in first year of school.

Totally up to your son and within school policy.

your ex is stepping up to his responsibilities for his son. There’s a reason why you two are not together but you share responsibility for him and there is no ‘extra votes’ calculated due to time spent with the child.

as per up thread, pick your battles with more maturity and care.

YOU want it that way but your son doesn't your ex is right to cut it because clearly what you want is more important than your child being bullied .

Your son gets the most say since its HIS HAIR !

'too young to be bullied'. Are you mad? I think DS needs to spend more time with dad, who actually listens to him, rather than his mum who thinks she is right all the time. Your boy is an actual living breathing person, with feelings. Not a bloody houseplant.

I think the most important issue here is that you decided that your son was being untruthful when he said he was being bullied. His father, however seemed to have listened. Please listen to your child as this may prove to be a greater problem than a hair cut in your future relationship .

My mother had a lot of hang ups about my hair, and looking back had far more control over my hair for way too long. She had thin, very fine hair, I have thick and wavy. I suspect that she was always living a bit vicariously through my hair. It took long into adulthood before I didn't feel guilty for cutting it short. I'm over it now but still get this little voice in back of head judging me. Don't do this to your son.

So you are happy for him to be teased at school, to the point where he is upset, just so that you can have your own way about your DS's hair?! How unkind.

Thank goodness one of your DS's parents takes his feelings into account.

Your ex partner has therefore done the right thing and given that he’s his Father, has as much say as you do over how your mutual child’s hair is cut.
As pp said, if you can’t get your head around this (and also don’t want to take your child’s thoughts into account) co parenting will be a struggle for all concerned.

Can't believe you ignored your son telling you he was being laughed at , bullied etc because of his long hair. Your son's dad has just as much right as you to get ur ds hair cut, and he was totally right to do so.

Son is too young to be bullied…? nope. Kids are cruel.

sounds like one of his bullies is his mother .

Son decides ..and I bet he wants to move in with dad when he’s older if she keeps this up

Children don't get to make a lot of decisions about what goes on in their lives, so I always thought it was important to let them have their hair their way. Older DS had a buzz cut once (which I hated, but didn't say anything!) and younger DS had long curls in first few years of secondary (which I loved) but ultimately it's up to them. Especially if they're being bullied FGS!

The thing is when relationships break down it's not easy for many dad's to share equal custody because of work commitments but it doesn't mean he should be tested as a lesser being that has to seek your approval on everything! Neither is your son a fashion accessory! Making a boy have long hair against his will is no different to if you had a daughter and slashed all her hair off and made her go to school with a boys haircut against her will!

Your son is 5 and it’s his hair so surely he got a say? As someone who grew up with a narcissistic mother who would never let me cut my hair because she liked it long, these posts annoy me. It’s not your hair and your ex has listened to your son.

how controlling of you. It’s upto your son, not you.

Your son isn’t your dress up toy. He is old enough to have an opinion about his hair and he has told you that he dislikes being told he looks like a girl at school. His father has done the right thing. I am gobsmacked that you don’t realise it.

Even if he's no actually bullied, other kids or adults will call him a girl, because hair length is often the easiest clue to a child's sex. Yes, boys can have long hair, yes you/he/a teacher can correct the mistakes and explain he is a boy with long hair, but your DS has told you he doesn't like being a walking teachable moment.

Even at 5 he should be allowed body autonomy. I find the message your teaching him, that your preference overrides his own body comfort kind of icky.

My separated partner returned our six year old with a skinhead cut - all his lovely curls. He said the boy had repeated nit infestation and the recommendation by his School was to have a close shave. What really infuriated my mother though was the other two children in the house (his new girlfriend's) didn't have so much as a trim - all in the same School, same house etc. Take a very deep breath, the hair will grow back and don't let the little fellow see how furious you are, it will just make him uncomfortable. Choose a better hill to fight on. That said, I really understand your fury. I've heard of Grandparents returning small children with pierced ears and I don't think I'd be able to hold my temper at that. Just think, could be worse.

Have you read the thread? The child wanted short hair. He was being bullied over having long hair.

Our children are not accessories or dolls to dress up the way we want.

That is mind blowingly naive. So in summary, your DS told he didn’t like it, told you he was being bullied and you ignored him because you want to treat him like a fashion accessory rather than a person? Seems like the haircut was the right thing.