To ask friend how she will repay

[BigMommasHouse]

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

It’s why I don’t lend money I’m hoping to have back. I will give it if I can afford to, the person is close enough to me & they’re not taking the piss. That aside your mate is taking the piss. She’s not financially better off if she still owes people money. The talk of holidays shouldn’t even be on her radar until she’s paid you back. You haven’t done anything wrong. Maybe, the timing in asking was off, but without her bringing it up first is there ever a good time. I think you’re about to realise the real value of this friendship. You might have to choose the money or her friendship

She certainly has her priorities all wrong and has taken you for a right mug 😞

I want to know who the 4% are that think you’re unreasonable

Message her to say how happy you are to see her making changes, and now she can afford luxuries again, it would be kind of her to repay some of the money you went without to help her. Add it up, and suggest a payment plan that she can stick to. If she kicks off, she's a CF.

Anyone in her position who starts getting cash in is not going to be sensible. She’s going to spend it using the same patterns that got her into this mess.
She already knows this which is why she reacted the way she did. It’s like the kid left in the room with chocolate cake on their own. They are will scoff the lot, then deny.
Very soon she’s going to need to start borrowing again.
Make sure it’s not from you.
I have never known anyone in this type of story pay the cash back. It’s why they are in debt. Other money whether it’s from credit cards or friends is free money.
Any money they get is for them.

She’s booked a holiday and not thought to pay you back at least some of your money? 😳

How much does the cheeky fucker owe you?

From that response she’s not paying you back. Outrageous!

"That money was a loan, Sandra. I'm not sure why you're shocked that it needs to be repaid, or why we would be falling out about it. What's the problem?"

I'm pretty sure you'll be kissing this friendship goodbye regardless, so you might as well go after getting your money back as hard as you can.

Having said that - and speaking from bitter experience - I don't fancy your chances.

If all else fails, it might help to think of it as the price of never having to see Sponging Sandra ever again.

Call in the loan. You were happy to have a reasonable discussion and work out a payment plan, but since she’s booked a holiday, she can afford to pay off her debt, so the loan becomes immediately repayable.

Your friendship is probably dead anyway.

@BigMommasHouseare you coming back to the thread? Plenty of replies to respond to here

This is why you should never ever lend without a formal agreement. I lent a friend some money once. I knew she would pay it back no issue but I still drew up a formal loan agreement with the terms attached and how it was to be repaid. I did it so things like this shouldn’t come up and they didn’t - was paid back as promised. I think the OP’s friend just took the money as a gift due to its ad hoc nature and gave lip advice to to fact it was a loan. Never had any intention to pay back

Probably people who think the op was daft to lend money in the first place.
Never lend money to someone and expect it back, always treat it as a gift.

They’re the folks who borrow money with zero intention of repaying 😂😂😂

Hope you didn’t lend her lots as she sounds like isn’t going to repay it ever

Sadly it doesn’t sound like paying you back was ever a priority if shes making an extra effort to save up for holidays and spending. Be warned though that her reaction is paving the way to distance herself from you so that she can frame it in her mind that you are the one in the wrong. She then justifies never paying you back and avoiding you by making it you that’s the one who wronged her. Learn from this. Never lend to friends because sooner or later you’ll regret it.

She’s not prioritising paying you so the friendship would be over in my mind. Whether that means you write off the debt or not is another thing.

Did you definitely make it crystal clear to her at the time that it was a loan, not a gift? Or did you just assume she'd know it was a loan?

Of course she made you feel like a bad person for asking when she will repay the money owed. I think you will find this will be the first stage of her 'I thought you were my friend and you want to support me' speech. There will be denial soon that it was a loan and then she will accuse you of being jealous of her holiday and when you defend yourself, she will cut you off and blame you for it.

I think you already know you are not getting the money back but you need to prepare yourself her abandoning the friendship rather than coming up with a payment plan.

You aren't getting that money back. Drop her.

She's definitely a CF! It sounds like you will have to chalk this up to bad experience and swallow the loss. She is clearly no friend to you.

From the experience of my kind hearted (late) father who used to lend to needy relatives, once you mention repayment, they will start to go all vague and ghost you. These are feckless people.

I suspect that is what your debtor 'friend' will do now.

I don't think you're seeing that money again. The fact she's taken offence, had to take herself off for a walk, etc. All signs that she has absolutely no intention of repaying that money.

I can only hope you didn't lend what you couldn't afford to lose. Sadly, people never see repaying a friend as any sort of a priority, because, "what are they going to do about it?"

One thing's for certain, she won't be enjoying a guilt-free holiday.
Suggest to her that she does more overtime with a view to using the extra income to repay her debt.

Absolutely this.