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Original poster

To ask friend how she will repay

232 replies

BigMommasHouse · 12/02/2026 12:19

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

OP posts:
TheQueenOfTheNight · 12/02/2026 20:57

Even if she did think it was a gift rather than a loan, surely anyone would want to thank a good friend once they were back on their feet? If she's happy to take money from you and then happy to keep it to herself when she's doing better, it feels like maybe she feels you don't deserve the money as much as she does.

You could start looking into the small claims court process while you give her a few days to see how she responds. If she tries to ignore it or rewrite history then it shows that she has no respect for you, and you may as well make it legal. You can always ask in the legal area here for advice.

Dogaredabomb · 12/02/2026 21:20

If I borrowed money from a friend or family member I would have a clear plan and time frame before asking for the loan. And I would make sure to pay back exactly when I said I would, if not before. How could she spend on anything non essential when she has an outstanding debt to a friend?!

fyllnadspenna · 12/02/2026 21:40

I really hope you haven't loaned her too much, OP, because her reaction does send the message that she was hoping you'd just write it all off as a gift. If she does get back to you, I'd tell her that her reaction has shocked you, to give her back some of her own 'woe is me, can't believe you would hurt me this way' energy. You loaned her money in her times of need in the faith that she would pay you back when she could. Now she's talking about all these things she's planning to do with her excess cash, yet she hadn't planned on beginning to repay you.

That might not be the best way to handle it, but honestly, I'd be worried I'd never see that money, unless you have proof and are willing to take her to small claims for it. If she doesn't at least begin to pay it back now, I'd consider her an enemy the friendship over.

Saz12 · 12/02/2026 21:57

OP, lending her money for food etc was a kind thing to do to help a friend. You dont deserve to feel embarrassed for helping someone who seemed to desperately need it.

BUT, you need to speak to her again and be super clear how you want repaid. EG at 15 a week or whatever, starting now. The chances are it'll be a nightmare, but if you can show when and how much you lent her then pull that info together. Show her that YOU are going without treats, holidays etc because you lent her money that you could have saved for those things.

fyllnadspenna · 12/02/2026 22:02

Reading back over the thread (didn't RTFT and still haven't 🙄), I can't believe that some people think there's some kind of expiration date on loans. No, it doesn't work that way. It sounds like OP was kind enough to let multiple loans accumulate over the last few years because her friend couldn't ever seem to find her feet, financially. (This is a bad idea, but that's not the point.) Now that her friend is going on and on about how she'll be spending her spare cash on non-essentials, OP rightly thinks that her friend should at least be starting to repay her debts. It doesn't matter if the loans were two months ago or twenty years ago. A debt is a debt.

OP's personal financial situation is also irrelevant. She helped out a friend with a loan, not a gift. She wants her money back, sooner or later. The friend should do the decent thing and start paying back, now that she can. The kindest interpretation here is that OP's friend was embarrassed that she hadn't thought about repaying her debts, but that's not what it sounds like. Her guilt trip lines about being shocked and needing time to recover sound more like someone trying to emotionally manipulate and just get away.

SumUp · 12/02/2026 22:06

Put everything in writing from now on. If it’s a lot of money, get a formal letter from a solicitor that documents the debt, asks for repayment and sets a strict deadline. This might be enough to frighten her into coughing up.

Since she is not willing to discuss a payment plan, I don’t think it would be unreasonable to demand the money back in full within one month.

If she hasn’t got the money, she can sell her car or take a loan. It’s not your problem.

Have the court paperwork printed off and filled out ready to flash in front of her nose if necessary to show you’re serious.

If she does not comply, don’t hesitate to take her to court.

Loloj · 12/02/2026 22:38

Sounds like you are being far too nice about the situation. Don’t pussy foot around her - she has taken advantage of your good nature.

I’d navigate it by saying “Friend, I don’t want to fall out over this either but I lent you money in good faith that it would be paid back at some point. This isn't something you should feel shocked about. I don’t need it all back in one go but would like to arrange with you to pay back in instalments - I propose X amount per week. Does that sound workable for you?”

MsAmerica · 13/02/2026 00:14

BigMommasHouse · 12/02/2026 12:19

I have just been made to feel like a bad person!

over the last few years my friend has had a bad time with employment/relationships etc and got in to a bit of a debt hole with utilities bills, council tax etc. They have addressed this and put a lot of debt on Step Change.

There have been times when she has had no money for food, car insurance (to get to work) vets bills for her cat etc. she has no family and literally had no other options. I lent her money over the last few years when she was absolutely desperate. Clearly a loan to be repaid when she could.

Today she told me she has done a load of overtime and has enough money to go on a holiday.

She has also been buying a lot of stuff like new carpets and house plants and other non essential stuff.

I asked her today what the plan was to pay back some of this money. She made me feel like I was a bad person to ask saying that it was a terrible shock and she would have to go for a walk, didn’t want to fall out etc. I haven’t demanded the money back just asked for a plan or a picture of when I would be repaid. Made it clear that I didn’t want all the money at once.

I realise that lending money is a mine field but I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing for a friend who was at rock bottom.

Any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated

She sounds like the bad person here. Of course you were doing a good thing, but this is one big reason why many people try to keep their social friendships strictly social.

Assuming you see each other with some frequency, next time you're together in a quiet place, bring it up - but casually. Not some ominous "We need to talk!" I'd start with something like, "You know it was really awkward the other day, but when you were telling me your good news about the boost in your earnings, it naturally made me think of the [insert amount] I loaned you. I hope you appreciate that I haven't pressed you at all. But from my point of view, maybe when you're allocating those earnings, you could keep me in mind."

If she says again that it was a terrible shock, try saying innocently, "Why would it be a shock? Weren't you planning on paying me back?"

Hope you can get through this with the friendship intact.

If she tries to back out, yell at her that you'll re-possess her cat.

FaceSaysItAll · 13/02/2026 00:24

My uncle did this, I lent him money regulalarly and he paid it back tbf.....until he didn't! when he landed back on his feet and still owed me several hundred pounds but decided to book a holiday instead of paying me back! Haven't spoken to him for 10 years since I realised what a dk he was.

Ponderingwindow · 13/02/2026 01:14

You say your friend ran into financial problems because of employment and relationship issues. What she has shown you with her behavior is that she is someone who spends money whenever she has it in her pocket. You likely got a sympathetic version of her financial story from the beginning.

Ohnobackagain · 13/02/2026 03:48

Don’t let her transfer the guilt to you @BigMommasHouse just say you don’t want to fallout either but now she’s in a better position she needs to make good with you, and that really should come before, or in parallel with, treating herself. Remind her what she has borrowed and suggest a monthly amount and duration. Don’t lend her anymore.

Darkladyofthesonnets · 13/02/2026 04:55

She borrowed from you because people in the business of lending money determined that she was not a safe person to whom they should lend money. That should tell you everything. She has no intention of repaying you. I mean I would be besides myself if I owed money to a friend and I would be doing everything possible to repay it as soon as possible. However, I have to say I have never borrowed money from a friend although I have lent money to a friend who seemed to have a very flexible idea of what was a reasonable time in which to repay me - she was in financial trouble because of a series of bad choices. In future, I would probably gift money more readily than I would lend it to a friend. I hope it is not a large amount for your sake.

ItsNotMeEither · 13/02/2026 05:21

She's a twat! Mainly for abusing your friendship.

Send her a follow up text.

Hi XXX, I just wanted to follow up our conversation. I value our friendship and I'm so happy for you that everything is looking up for you now. As I said, I'm not expecting all of the money back all at once, but hoping that maybe now you can sort out a weekly payment plan of XXX per week. If you can set it up as a weekly standing order, then we wouldn't even have to discuss it again.

My bank details are XXXXX

If you really want to keep it light and breezy, you can finish by setting up a next coffee catch up or something.

This reiterates that you weren't joking and do expect the money back, that you don't need it immediately and saves another 20 texts sorting out a plan. How much a week you ask for probably depends on how much she has borrowed and how much she earns. If her holiday is booked and soon, you could be extra generous and suggest the repayments begin after her holiday.

If she pushes back too much on this, then the friendship is already over and she's likely to just phase you out. If she is a good friend, she'll message back that she's sorted out the standing order.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 13/02/2026 05:56

@BigMommasHouse what have you decided to do?

AutumnLover1989 · 13/02/2026 06:03

Is the op not coming back to answer any questions? 🙄

Glitchymn1 · 13/02/2026 06:08

So the very first time you gave her money what was said? When was it? Was it documented? What were the repayment arrangements?

It doesn’t sound like this was discussed and she’s presumed it was gifts. Do you have the precise dates and amounts borrowed? Did she ask you or you just gave her it? @

Some people are crap with money, what’s she like as a friend otherwise?

Roselily123 · 13/02/2026 08:15

AutumnLover1989 · 13/02/2026 06:03

Is the op not coming back to answer any questions? 🙄

I think op has left the building ….the only reason I’m watching this thread is to see if @BigMommasHousecomes back.
it’s looking less likely (it’s all made up).

Goditsmemargaret · 13/02/2026 09:13

I lent you money when you were stuck. I was happy to be able to help and I felt good about that. But now I feel taken advantage of because I don't think you intended to pay me back and that's not a nice feeling. Do you think I'm being unfair by asking for one when your circumstances have clearly improved? Or do you have a different perspective entirely? Please let me know what is going on. I do definitely need that money paid back so having a clear plan there is the most pressing matter. However feeling forced to chase you on this feels like a kick in the teeth and it's done damage to our friendship.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:52

Looks like OP isn’t coming back. I’ve lent money to friends and been guarantor for a phone contract when my friend couldn’t get it. Luckily with both everything was paid back and sorted until one friend got stroppy with me not being able to transfer money abroad for her. And I ended that friendship. I now don’t lend money to anyone ever. My nana who was wealthy warned me years ago never lend money only give it as gifts.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 13/02/2026 09:54

Goditsmemargaret · 13/02/2026 09:13

I lent you money when you were stuck. I was happy to be able to help and I felt good about that. But now I feel taken advantage of because I don't think you intended to pay me back and that's not a nice feeling. Do you think I'm being unfair by asking for one when your circumstances have clearly improved? Or do you have a different perspective entirely? Please let me know what is going on. I do definitely need that money paid back so having a clear plan there is the most pressing matter. However feeling forced to chase you on this feels like a kick in the teeth and it's done damage to our friendship.

You’re far too nice. I’d demand the money back and have done so in the past threatening to go round to their house and make a scene if not paid back. Some people don’t respond well to half hearted pleas.

AmusedShark · 13/02/2026 10:10

There are far too many people who prioritise having something fun before paying back debt.

I refuse to lend anyone anything due to so many bad experiences.

I ended a friendship with someone when she got a foodbank donation the same week of a Jamaican holiday that had been booked months before. She was eligible for the foodbank and used the argument that she'd saved up for the spending money for her holiday and wasn't going to waste it on food at home before she went away.

Iloveringos · 13/02/2026 10:38

@BigMommasHouseHi what did you decide to do, we’d love to hear from you

ukathleticscoach · 13/02/2026 11:23

Accept the loss and get rid of the 'friend'

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 13/02/2026 12:20

You are unlikely to recoup the money. I'm sorry. How much are we talking?

Sometimessmiling · 13/02/2026 18:05

Has she got this latest money from a credit card, therefore getting into more debt or from other means. You will get nothing from her. End of friendship