Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

It's perfectly clear why.

Simon can be rough, they have a negative history where Simon has hurt him and OP's son doesn't want to be his friend which is what Simon's mum is clearly pushing towards.

OP's DS enjoys the time with OP to chat, especially without his younger sibling around.

Both valid reasons.

32 hours amd 30 mins give or take over the 195 days of the school year. Its not minutes when it turns to daily.

Oh come on! It's not a normal social situation to be forced to walk every day with someone you don't like. As adults we go out of our way to avoid people we can't stand to be around. Yet you're saying you would perceive it as your child having an issue for not wanting to spend time with someone who upsets them? Wow. As a parent I've always considered it my job to protect my kid and put her needs first, not blame her.

But it's not! She wants an arrangement whereby they meet at an exact time and one waits for the other!

I'd be going to the head teacher at this point in order for him to speak to his wife /the other parent about appropriate behaviour and online communication in parents whatsAPP groups I would also say you will be taking it for their if it continues.

But that's not want Simon's mother wants, just to walk in the same direction. She wants OP's son to act as a comfort toy to ensure he goes to BC every day. She wants OP to message her with exact timings of when they'll be arriving at the park so they can wait for them. It's too much.

I'm invested OP please come back and update us.

When my DC were at primary some children were encouraged to attend breakfast club as it helped them settle in lessons better or arrive on time.

School also provided it for free for some of these kids to ensure they had breakfast too.

I think your support for your DS is perfect and he sounds like a lovely kind boy. I hope this doesn't escape into a drama.

Wow you are really saying a 5 year old behaviour is pathetic! A 5 YEAR OLD! Fuck me you're a nasty piece of work. A lot of adults find social situations hard to manage and you're calling 5 year old pathetic because they find a situation difficult. If you have kids I feel for them, as you'll never support them.

He’s 5 and wants to walk to school with his mum and have time just the two of them. If you find that difficult to understand that says it all 🤷‍♀️

you have a right to enter the school with your son as you wish. I am just a bit curious are they < head master and wife > and good natured couple or venomous revengeful little what names...because then you would be anxious about a whole host of issues

Ok. Then you have to tell the woman what you have said here. Or explain the bit about tolerating people we don't like sometimes.

we have to deal with such people, from time to time.

No, OP’s son is having to deal with this other boy every day.

Children have limited control over their on lives and are often forced to go with the flow of what their family, school and friends want. When they do speak up and push back on the little things we need to listen, or else long term we risk them not asking for help or voicing what they are struggling with at all.

It’s lovely the DC wants 10 mins of 1:1 with him mum. It won’t always be this way so you have to make the most of it while you can.

And if you prioritise some random child’s (or their mother’s) wants over your own child’s comfort and happiness, when your child is clearly telling you that they are unhappy, it’s worth some navel gazing to find out why that is.

Have you grown up being told or believing that what you want isn’t important or that you should go along with stuff that makes your life worse and not speak up so you don’t rock the boat? I imagine many of us have but let’s not pass that on to our own children when we have a chance to stop the cycle.

It’s okay to not want to spend time with someone. It’s not unkind to want to walk with his mum. It’s unkind not to listen to what he is clearly saying through words and behaviour. Have your own child’s back, don’t rush to sacrifice their feelings because you’re worried what someone else might think.

OP, I’m squarely on your side and don’t understand why so many PP’s are hell bent on raising their children as people pleasing doormats.

You can be kind without doing things that make you actively unhappy. OP’s DS has been kind, despite Simon showing him disrespect and bringing him nothing but misery. As someone said previously, OP’s DS is not anyone’s emotional support animal, and the important thing here is that he learns his mum will listen and act if he communicates he is uncomfortable with a situation. From this, he will learn that clearer communicating his feelings will give him a better outcome from a situation.

But this thread has given me insight as to why so many women here tolerate abysmal behaviour from their partners and seem like passengers in their own miserable lives. OP - good on you for showing your son that he deserves to be happy and deserves to be advocated for. I’m sure one day he will be a better man for it.

This! I’m with you OP, your sons 5, he values your little walk together in the mornings & you’ve done nothing wrong in standing up for this. You’ve been very polite & Simon’s mum appears very entitled. Nip it in the bud now & don’t feel in any way that you should hide or be ashamed to do this in a nice way

This was my exact reaction OP. Just say no, I've made it very clear, my son has a right to have his mornings as he'd like them. Your son is not my responsibility.

Urgh. She's teaching her kid that no does not actually mean no, and what he wants is more important than what someone else does, and is just awful.

'My child is not a support animal for your child. He has his own wants and needs, thank you, and I am prioritising those because that's my job as his mother. I suggest you do the same for your own child."

Wait, what has she said in the group chat though? You can't leave us hanging!

I was going to say that she didn't sound clueless or oblivious to me at all. I had a Simon and a Simon's Mum and in the end I had to be blunt to the point of borderline rudeness because she was NOT listening to reasonable boundaries and her kid was frankly, a little shit.

Those same kids are young adults now and in different universities but when left alone grew closer and were pretty good pals by the end of secondary school.

Hold your ground, @OverheardBreakup and don't listen to some of the madness on here. Five-year-olds don't have to suck it up.

Do any of the mums say anything ?

and a passive aggressive message on group wats app - she is mad

any replies to her yet ?

what did she say

another boy who I won’t name , won’t walk into breakfast club with my son and now he is upset

or words to that effect

I cant believe after this update that people are still saying you're son should just walk with the boy. Op ive known kids like this growing up, I was bullied relentlessly, this Simon smacks of the boy who bullied me and a friend and when we refused to let him team up in a class project we were told off fir excluding g him after getting went crying to the teacher ( age 13) . Your son obviously gets bad vibes from him and I wouldn't be forcing him.to walk with him either.
I'd also be saying something in the group chat about her comment.

As opposed to a Mumsnet thread with her messages being posted up for everyone to see

I am completely on your side. My dc had the head’s child in their class and tbh it was a complete nightmare. Everyone felt uncomfortable, and when the head turned up to birthday parties it was awkward.
my dc have also had the experience of being told to help another child, and it’s hard. I also have the experience of desperately trying to get a child in, and it’s tough. But I have no sympathy with this, because it must also be awful for Simon to be in his dad’s school, and as mum doesn’t work, they have choices.
side note, but grrrrrr I hate it when mums encourage “besties” at 5.
Totally rooting for you OP.

The OP didn't say the mum doesn't work on any of her posts

Alternatively you could sit in the car with your son and have quality chat time with him and then run the gauntlet right at the last minute into the school