Oblivious School Mum

[OverheardBreakup]

Could really use some advice as I’m trying to be tactful!

DS in year 1. I drop him off every morning at breakfast club at around 8ish. Last week we bumped into another classmate and his mum and the boys went into school together. The mum confided in me that her son ‘Simon’ had only recently started breakfast club and wasn’t enjoying it but he seemed to not be so upset going in with DS

The next day we bumped into them again and the boys went in together. Mum told me Simon hadn’t got upset that morning and was pleased to bump into my DS.

That evening DS told me he’d rather go in alone, he doesn’t really like Simon as he can be quite rough in the playground and he likes the chats we have on our walk in. So the next morning I purposefully left 15 mins later to go in.

Mum and Simon were stood waiting for us! Mum said she thought we’d never show up and was worried DS wasn’t coming in. Then suggested I use the class WhatsApp to let her know if we’re running late so they can adjust their timings too! I was a bit taken aback and said I have younger DS to drop off too so can’t guarantee what time I’ll be there. She said not to worry, they’d wait for us.

Last night I had an upset DS who is now saying HE doesn’t want to go to breakfast club as hates going in with Simon.

So I sent a message to the mum essentially saying while I appreciate Simon is struggling, we use our time walking to breakfast club as a bit of a mum/son chat and wondered if perhaps there were other class children who might want to walk in with Simon.

Cue message back saying how much Simon loves DS and she doesn’t think that’s necessary and perhaps I could park further away to have a little chat before we get to the bit where they’re waiting for us!! I explained I needed to get off to work straight after so that wasn’t possible. Didn’t get a reply.

Anyway, this morning they are there waiting again. I can feel DS tense up. I say good morning and go to walk past but Simon rushes after DS. Mum says loudly ‘now Simon, let them have their chats first and they then hover two steps behind us.

She unfortunately then went into the school office so I didn’t have a chance to speak to her but I’m now not sure what to do.

My DS has gone from a very happy boy skipping to school to dreading drop offs every morning.

Now, here’s the kicker…I am VERY concerned about keeping things polite as she is the head teachers wife and Simon is their son. She has form for kicking off at another class parent and I really don’t want to create an atmosphere at the school!

Don't be so obtuse. Do people need to get hung out to dry on here simply for not agreeing with the OP

I disagree with your post title. This woman is not and has never been ‘oblivious’.

Stick to your guns, she sounds batshit

More slurs. Typical Mumsnet

What's wrong with that? Not everyone is confident about sounding articulate in messages or they worry about saying the wrong thing.

In a world where polite hints not to walk with them were ignored?

and the child who just wants that time with his mum? He loses something from it but his feelings seem to come last in this, including after Simon's when it is OP's own child.

I agree with @Ninerainbows, @scottishgirl69 - I have seen a number of instances on MN where posters have helped a MNer word a message or email - sometimes, if you are outside a situation, it is easier to compose a reply that gets the message across clearly and politely.

See that's probably where the difference is. For me and my DC it's nothing strenuous to be kind and polite with someone we don't know for a few minutes a day.

If doing that is so HARD for OP's son that it affects his mental health than for sure he should stop doing that. I am just really surprised that such a minor (from my perspective) thing would be so difficult that's why I raised my concerns

What on earth is preventing you reading all the OP’s posts so that you have all the information you need? Mumsnet makes it very easy for you to do that.

You’d easily understand her reasoning, and why she is doing what she is in the best interests of her DS.

Happens all the time on here.

What is wrong with that?

He does know him. He was unkind to him at school and got him into trouble.

You are saying he should give up his only time for one-on-one time with his mum, @Comfortable8520 - time he clearly values and needs.

Why do his needs not matter?

You clearly haven't read OP's comments. Her son doesn't want to be friends with Simon because he's rough when they play and he hit him in the face once. There's a history. The prospect of having to walk with him every day is upsetting OP's son to the point he's saying he doesn't want to go to breakfast club. So yes, it's that hard for him and it's not a minor thing.

I have never understood people who post an AIBU and then get upset when some people don't agree with the answer they think they should get. If you don't want to hear other opinions, why ask in the first place? Your exasperation with people with another opinion is palpable.

I’m so sorry you’ve had so many unkind replies to your post. It sounds like Simon is monopolising your DS’s time with you on your walk, AND his time in breakfast club. The previous issues they’ve had playing together are no doubt why your DS (understandably) doesn’t want this to continue.

I hope the after school pick up went well, and the Simon’s mum doesn’t ambush you again tomorrow morning!

And yes it’s tricky juggling relationships between little kids, but especially so with parents - and ESPECIALLY when she has prior form for this kind of thing, and is married to the headteacher! Keep your head up no matter what happens - you’ve done what’s best for your child, even though it was hard, and you should be proud of that.

I think it's fair to be exasperated with those who haven't read OP's comments or who call her son, a 5 year old, pathetic all whilst declaring 'be kind'.

It's your special time together and they grow up so fast you really want to make the most of it - these are very good points to repeat if you need to de-escalate. They're not personal to her and are hard to disagree with.

If anyone put something clearly passive aggressive with a “I won’t name the parent” message on the class WhatsApp, I’d almost certainly think they were the problem.

OP - I’m sorry I haven’t read the full thread, but wanted to say trust your instinct on this one. The behaviour of the mum is weird and the pressure on your DS is too much. My DC got latched on to by a child in the Y6 transition before high school, and they would not leave my DC alone once high school started. They would monopolise DC’s time, and when told to back off, would stand close by watching them all break and lunch. It became really intense, severely impacted my DC socially in Y7 and Y8, involved head of year intervention, and my DC ended up needing counselling and with issues around feeling they have to sacrifice themself for the sake of a friend. The other child definitely had needs - but in hindsight I wish I’d been more strident that it was NOT my DC’s job or responsibility as a young child to meet those needs. That may be controversial, and my DC’s case is extreme. But the feelings of the other boy are not your DS’s responsibility, beyond his basic human duty not to be unkind.

It never happened to me! DC walks to school next to all sorts of kids and parents. Not all of them nice and polite. Some want to be friends but DC does not. I don't like all parents either. Some of them are bloody rude!

It never crossed my or DC's mind to tell anyone not to chat to us or not to walk next to us. If my DC was crying or refusing go to school because of that I would be very concerned and try to get to the bottom of why such a normal social situation makes such a toll.

The first thing I noticed about the original post was that your son missed his chats with you. It made him unhappy and upset.

It is a very valuable time to have one to one with your son, especially as he has a sibling.

it is a precious time in a busy day. You have explained this to the other mother and that should be respected.

You and your son can say a polite good morning. Then walk on and chatting hand in hand across the park, playground etc.
No need to have any more interaction with them after polite Good Morning.

Good luck

Well, you have been told the two reasons why.

Probably the same people who would be outraged if their child was constantly parked next to children who were difficult/disruptive/struggling constantly because the needy child wanted to sit with them.

We all know and often hear on mumsnet about people pleasers who are unable to stand up for themselves, are conflict avoiders (aren’t we all) and have little ability to put boundaries in place and say no. This doesn’t miraculously happen as an adult, it is engrained bit by bit from childhood. Most stemming from what some see as inconsequential encounters such as this.

there are times to teach empathy and compassion - and in this instance it is fine to say ‘it is sad that simon struggles with breakfast club and I can imagine that it can be hard for him.’

But this is absolutely the time to teach about boundaries ‘so whilst simon is sad and would prefer to walk with us, I also prefer it to be the two of us so we can have a chat before school - and that’s ok.’

yes there are times we must or should compromise. Is this one of them? No.

it’s also not your responsibility to parent the other child.

in my brain world I would absolutely respond and take the wind out of her sails by saying that you believe this is aimed at you. No need to say anything else about what it’s about etc.

sad thing is she is reliant on her relationship with the head to be able to behave poorly.

I mean slurs exist for a reason …

There seems to be a leaning in this thread towards this woman needing kindness. Her messages are highly manipulative and she sounds not a nice person.

If someone needs help writing a message to get their message across then so be it- it’s better than telling her to fuck off in the playground (although by the sounds of her passive aggressive follow-up message on the school WhatsApp, that’s possibly the directness that was required)

I am not saying they have to be friends! I am talking about what seems (to me) a basic politeness! A situation when you just walk with someone in the same direction.