School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

You are incorrect . Are you familiar with the legislation KSCIE - there’s a DSL saying theey would want to know and I have been trained

Because I'm a bit avoidant, I would have to open with an apology, but I would definitely be saying:
"I'm really sorry Betty, but can you stop asking me for money? It makes me really uncomfortable and I'm just not in a position to help you."
And then get blunter from there if it keeps happening.

I don't think school are going to be interested

I'm willing to bet she asks many people for money here and there ... quite a nice littler earner here and there.

Don't worry about saying an emphatic no rather than making excuses or as pp have said she will keep trying.
As my old dad used to say, if they're cheeky enough to ask you can be cheeky enough to say no.

My concern would be that she always has some sort of excuse. I think you need to be more firm and make sure that you say please don’t keep asking, we can’t help. Then suggest looking into debt advice if she’s struggling. Be prepared that after you say no she will ask your husband but just make sure he’s on the same page.

It's obviously very annoying but I don't think it's anything to do with school!

She's harassing you have you tried ignoring her pretend your on the phone to someone. I would make an appointment with CAB.

Absolutely everything to do with the school if her DC are being exposed to drug taking, as many PP think. I am normally the first on here to say I don't agree with the safeguarding industry as it has now become, but this acquaintance sounds as if they have issues which could impact the DC. It is not to do with OP, but school is a great 1st call.

She can't apply for PP. The school does based on a number of factors. It is now broader how PP can be used. But is still worth looking at those factors: FSM, looked after, post looked after. The service PP is different, much smaller and needs to be carefully targeted. For £350 pa per child schools will struggle to pu in place that targeted service support for just 1 child.

as you’ve mentioned she’s on the pta I would tell the pta in case she is a position where she can embezzle money.

I thought her ex was in the PTA? That just could be me skin reading though

I would just say, my son is finding it overwhelming, he just wants to go in by himself. They had a fall out recently as Simon was a bit rough with him, my son just needs some space. How about I text you when my son is feeling more comfortable and would like to walk in with Simon.

I think your instincts were right regarding the school. They may not do anything other than log it, but if they see other signs of poverty or finance-related neglect they may then refer to social services, which the children might need. Constantly needing money can also be a sign of other problems like alcohol, gambling, drugs, all of which are serious safeguarding concerns.

you don’t have the full picture but school may well know more and this could be the missing piece that gets those children some help.

in terms of the mum herself - no we can’t lend you any money. Please stop asking as it’s making us really uncomfortable.

OP stop feeling guilty about this
Shes absolutely outrageous on so many levels!
I would tell the school as I have safeguarding background
I am thinking an addicton issue too
I would speak to the dad too if he drops off
Be very firm with her I will NEVER be lending you money so STOP asking and block!
A friend of my husbands asked to borrow money, I said no she declared herself Bankrupt not long after so clearly I was never going to see the money again
Several of our very middle class friends are always complaining that they have no money despite doing well in the property market, having good jobs and going snow boarding etc!
Develop a thick skin OP to other peoples utter nonsense
It took me a while to work it out though I used to take people at face value and believe them but now I dont!

Fair play, if you can't or don't want to, why should you? Sounds like you've done quite a bit to help already and she's just someone who can't cope and needs much more help. And sounds like she's taken the mick in the past.

Its odd behaviour. Ordinarily you would be mortified to ask to borrpw money from someone this distanced from you (or at all) and would not keep asking on the back of refusal and being ignored. It sounds desperate and my thinking is substance abuse/addiction or gambling addiction and either of them can be problematic for vulnerable dependents so I do think it is worth flagging to the school as an act of concern.

Tell her NO, and to stop asking and texting you and your husband. Block her.
Be blunt to her face, make it clear.
STOP ASKING US FOR MONEY. End off, ignore her if you see her. Walk away if she comes up to you, and say, I've told you before and I'm warning you now, stop asking me for money.
If that's at the school gates, say it loud so others hear.
I'm sure you're not the only one she's asking.
She and her children are not your responsibility. (You do sound a nice person being concerned, but she seams, the more you give, the more she takes.
Put yourself first.

That’s another thread. I was reading that one earlier.

NO. Don’t EVER ask either of us again. EVER.

To be honest I possibly would consider speaking to the school safeguarding team. If she is accosting fairly random parents asking for money they may/are likely to be a family in crisis which means the children are vulnerable. The school should be aware as they may be able to get support in place.

The school can do a lot to help in terms of sign posting, charity applications, food bank vouchers but I would tell her to ask the school rather than do it behind her back. You need to be really straight with her about lending money and tell her not to ask again.

Sorry if someone's already asked this, but does her ex-dp know she's financially strapped? It's more for him to deal with. It's his kids she can't budget for. She does sound a bit of a CF though.

I actually would speak to the school but my job involves lots of safeguarding. School can make enquiries that members of the public can’t. The information can be used to build a bigger picture of what is happening. You don’t need to get any further involved than that and school won’t inform you of the outcome.

Too many people are frightened to speak up when they see something that isn’t quite right. Too many children have come to harm or died that had multiple-agency contact.

@DunnockMam have you ever actually loaned her money? Seems she thinks you'll crack eventually.