School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

I'm definitely on team 'have a quiet word with the school' as I'd be worried about what may be going on at home, dependency issues etc.

Just block her in every way possible, it's that easy

If Dad has the child more of the time then you don’t need to worry about them. He will be better placed to know what support his DC needs.

She sounds irresponsible which is unfortunate for her child but usually survivable, especially if the child has another parent at a different address.

Solve your problem with a firm “No, and don’t ask again” message and blocking. She is not your responsibility.

anyone who has ANY concern about a childs wellbeing should allow a trained safeguarding individual to decide if it matters

Nobody should come on a thread like this and tell a mother - who they don't know - NOT to report concernrs to school where a childs wellbeing is concerned

People who know this child in the school may rely on multiple small incidents to decide to make a safeguarding report.

A firm no, block her and if she continues to hassle you then an even firmer Fuck Off, and stop harassing us.

If it continued I would speak to the school.

Do you know if she's asking other people too?

Just block her , she’s not someone you want to keep as a friend and get your husband to do the same . If she asks you face to face just tell her that you’ve said no and to stop asking as it’s embarrassing.

I would mention it to school if you're worried. She could apply for pupil premium (many parents don't) although if both parents work, it might be unlikely. Is she just struggling to manage, you say she can't access the bank account etc.

As a teacher, I regularly pass on concerns about comments kds make and got one referred for PP due to a parent being in the army. Don't think they'd realised it's one of the categories.

I would point flyer to a benefits calculator/ universal credit/ household support fund and discretionary housing payments.

if she is in debt a non profit organisation like step change maybe able to help

Her not flyer

Why haven't you blocked her already and why can't you just tell her to do one when she asks you for money face to face?

I’d just be really firm, and make it very clear you won’t be loaning her any more money. Block her on all platforms. I guess you could alert school from a safeguarding point of view, but i’d probably just block her and to her face be very firm. She sounds pretty cheeky, and you do have to be pretty abrupt sometimes to get the message across.

The school won’t get involved!!

Sounds like she’s got some serious issues @DunnockMam. I’d be concerned enough to let the school know in case she has gambling or drug addiction issues. It sounds very much like she has MH problems of some sort and you are quite right not to keep her at arms distance to protect yourself.

School safeguarding lead here.

If one of our parents was continually approaching other parents asking for money, including on the playground, I would absolutely 100% want to know about it.

OP mentions that this other Mum works, and yet she's apparently so desperate for money she's pestering acquaintances by text and accosting them on the school playground. It may be that she has substance misuse issues, or a gambling problem, or that she is being exploited in some way. She may owe money to people she is afraid of. This could be a smaller piece of a much larger puzzle. Her children could already be known to Children's Services, or the school could already have concerns but not enough evidence to get a referral to Children's Services accepted.

On the other hand, she may just be a cheeky fucker! Some people have no shame. But even if that's the case, she has made it the schools business by pestering other parents for money on their premises. She could also be approaching other parents for money, what if those parents are vulnerable in some way (due to their mental health or SEN for example) and feel unable to say 'no'? Some of the parents I work with would be hugely intimidated by someone that persistent and would definitely hand over money, even if they couldnt really afford it.

Call the school and ask to speak to the DSL, OP.
If this woman is genuinely in serious financial trouble then there are many practical things the school can do to help, and it's important they have the opportunity to do so in order to minimise the impact on the children. Maybe she's actually managing ok and is just a chancer, but you can't possibly know that and it's not your job to look into it.

Tell the school, a school near me has grants that they use to top up shopping for those struggling and they give vouchers towards gas, water and electricity bills for those that need it. She might be in a situation where a couple of months help will get her strait with her bills.

It'd be shitty to report it to school unless you actually think shes neglecting the kids, which you haven't said anything to say that the kids are suffering, just that it's starting to grate on you.

Just keep saying no or tell her bluntly not to ask again.

So many posters saying not to involve the school but I would absolutely be speaking to the school.
you haven’t said (or if I’ve missed it I apologise) that she’s said it’s for a specific reason but it could be that she’s struggling to feed dc and that’s a valid enough concern to flag with the school.
just a quick email to a DSL (should be on the bottom of school letters if you don’t know who they are or on the website if not) to say you’re concerned as x, parent of x is repeatedly asking for money and you’re worried she’s not got enough to feed her kids and leave it there.
Regarding the mum herself, just a blunt no every time she asks. You don’t need to explain yourself. Or apologise.

be firm about not borrowing money. You almost need to speak to her like a child. "I am not changing my mind, please do not ask me again".

absolutely not speak to the school. It's got nothing to do with them.

If she’s cheeky enough to keep asking you to borrow money, the there’s no way she’s got any intention of paying it back. I’ve seen loads of these threads over the years, and they always end they same way.

I disagree with the majority here. I would mention it to the school.

Asking to borrow £50 here and there sounds more like feeding a habit than being unable to pay a bill. Especially asking random school parents.

In my experience, the only people that desperate for money have an addiction, usually drugs. I would talk to the school.

This happened at our school. The mum always asked for money for food or nappies etc. some offered to do a skip for her which was always declined as she just wanted cash.

I would not tell the school. It's not the school's concern. If the children are clean, dressed appropriately, fed, and there are no signs of abise, then there is nothing for the school to worry about. Mum begging for money is not a safeguarding issue. Begging for money does not mean there are dependancy issues, and the school is unlikely to make that assumption just based on the fact that she is borrowing money from parents. I get the feeling that you wanting to let school know is some kind of "getting your own back" for whatever the reason is your children are no longer friends.

Just tell her not to contact you or your DH again about money.

But that’s not her judgement to make whether the kids are neglected or not . Please read the post before yours ! Honestly these unusual requests has red flags all over it -it is the schools business believe it or not because it could be a safe guarding issue . It’s not shitty to report it - the mindset that you’re ‘ snitching’ to the teachers is actually where vital little bits of info that could be missed that alert people to a problem that is not in the child’s bests interests . Report - job done .