School mum asking to borrow money

[DunnockMam]

Back when our children were at Nursery (they are in year 2 now) there was a mum I got on with well and our children were good friends, although she is one of the people that seems to be quite self involved and drains your energy after spending much time together. She’s always been scatty and it was difficult to organise anything with her.

As the children have grown they are no longer friends (which is a long story in itself) and so I don’t see her much either. However, she has also split with her partner and while it seemed like a pretty shit situation she is CONSTANTLY asking to borrow money! She can’t take no for an answer and doesn’t seem to get the hint every time we’ve said no politely. I now ignore her messages but when I do that she will message my husband or ask us face to face if she sees us around. Although I have sympathy - she seems to be a bit of a mess and is obviously not coping well after their split (probably 18 months ago) it is really stating to grate when we weren’t that friendly in the first place. I don’t mind small favours etc but I do draw the line at this.

At this point I’m wondering whether to slyly speak to school about it? Like if things are that bad for them should the school know.. or is that really shitty of me.

It's nothing to do with the school. I'd ask her to just stop asking you for money. WTAF. Who does that? Tell her you are going to block her if she keeps asking you for money.

This, you need to say firmly that you are not in a position to lend money and please stop asking. And be clear that you do not agree with money lending between friends so it is not something you will ever be prepared to do.

That would be my first thought too.

Tell her no don't ask again. Block her number.

Only lend money if you’re happy to not get it back, I don’t lend money to anyone, I have given it to people who need it though. The most being £1000 but that was my SIL.

some people are just best avoided. I had a close call with my son’s friend mom. I asked if she her son wanted to come to a trampoline park. She said yes but when I tried to drop him back she wasn’t in. I texted and called and ended up taking him back to ours. This was about 2pm I didn’t get a message back from her until 6pm where she advised me she was at work and wouldn’t be finishing till 10pm. Where she then said stop ringing her because she obviously wasn’t able to answer and seeing my missed calls thought something bad had happened. I said I didn’t agree to any of this and that I had told her I would drop him back after. She wrote back. What do you want me to do about it now. I’m a single mom. I was livid. She asked if I could then drop him back the following day around 11am as she sleeps in on a Sunday. I didn’t I was round her house that night dropping him back. The thing was is if she’d asked or told me he couldn’t come because she was working and he’d be at his Nan’s I would have offered to have him. I was tempted to leave him at mine. But he said she won’t be in tomorrow she has done this to my nan and other school moms in the past and that he ends up having to be dropped off early on Monday morning by people to get ready for school. I’d since found the mom she did this to and she said she was always babysitting & sometimes she’d text her at the school gates asking her to grab him. She had advised the teacher that morning that she would be picking him up despite not asking. Then there’d be radio silence. Then the asking to lend money she never paid back, steer clear of chaotic people

The police!!!

They'll do nothing, they're so useless these days. Instead, form a vigilante mob with other school parents and give her a good shoeing...

Job done

@DunnockMam I think the dread of being quite harsh versus the dread of trying to avoid her at the school gates etc seems the lesser of two evils.

It's time to be quite blunt especially because it doesn't particularly sound like there'd be close friendships damaged here. It's easy enough to navigate as long as you hold firm in your very reasonable boundaries.

"Hi, Scatty. I have to be honest with you, I'm really uncomfortable with you contacting me and DH for money. We are not in a position to help you. Please don't ask again. Thanks, Dunnock."

Short, sweet, to the point. And unless you both need to have her number and vice versa then I'd honestly be deleting and blocking!

What are your responses when she asks? I've trawled and can't find this answer.

Just block her. Kids aren’t friends so you have no reason to keep in contact with her.

Ask your husband to block her as well.

And tell her not to speak to you when she sees you at school etc.

Jesus, @DunnockMam Just tell her "No, you or DH won't ever lend her money". Don't change your life (what time you get to the school) because of her. Don't talk to the school it's none of your business.

If she tries to make you feel awkward return it back to her, if she asks after you say the above respond with "No, I don't lend money"

@MaggiesShadow 's wording is probably better than mine but I'd be annoyed by point and would probably end up being super blunt and direct. But I understand not everyone's comfortable with that.

I would be blocking her so she can't text either of you, giving her the swerve in person and if she does manage to ask you again, being very blunt.

You need to stop asking me for money Emma, it's not going to happen and it has to stop now. Is that really clear?

And walk off. She won't like it, but you're not going to lose anything by giving her the heave ho. Just do it.

It’s ridiculous to be having to time your school pickups etc to try and avoid her.

Block her on your phone, and your husband should do the same.

If she asks for money in person, say “have you spoken to anyone at school? They might be able to point you in the direction of charities/organisations that could help you”

If she’s desperate, she can approach the school. If she’s just being cheeky, she might worry that you’ll mention something to the school, and stop asking.

I would have thought if you always said no she would stop asking. Have you lend her cash in the past?

God that sounds so annoying. She is either a complete grifter or really struggling. I would mention to the school, many schools offer vouchers and food related support for families who are struggling.

In terms of stopping her asking I would end up being quite rude.

Have you ever given her money for her to continually ask for it?

Drinker or druggie.
Bottle of wine/ vodka on the way home.

I don't lend money anymore. I've never got any back!

It sounds like you’re actually trying to do the right thing here, you don’t want to keep giving money, but you also don’t want a family to be quietly struggling. .
It’s also worth remembering that she is probably under a huge amount of stress after her split. Being a single parent, dealing with money worries, and managing everything alone can be mentally exhausting. She may feel overwhelmed, drained and possibly quite isolated. If she doesn’t have family nearby or much support, she might not have many people to turn to, which could explain why she keeps asking you, even if it feels awkward. I doubt she’s doing this lightly.
If your main worry is whether the children are okay, a gentle and quiet chat with the school can be done in a supportive way. Most schools have a pastoral lead or family support worker who can quietly see whether the family might benefit from help. They can offer things like support with school meals, uniform, or linking the parent to the right services.
If you want to help her without lending money, you could check if shes getting proper support. You don’t have to manage any of this for her, even gently flagging or signposting options she might not know about could be helpful.

• Citizens Advice for a benefits and debt check.
• Turn2us (online benefits calculator and grants).
• Gingerbread (support for single parents).
• Child Maintenance Service (CMS) if her ex isn’t paying.
• Her local council for Council Tax Reduction, Discretionary Housing Payments or hardship grants.
• Local food banks or community pantries if money is very tight.

If she is already claiming everything she is entitled to and still struggling, it may be that her income simply isn’t enough to cover her costs. In that case, practical things like looking at part-time work, extra hours, or a second job (if she’s able) could make a difference, but I appreciate you don’t even know whether she works or is a stay-at-home mum. Related to that, childcare can be a big barrier for single parents. She might not be aware of options such as:

• Free childcare hours (for eligible working parents).
• Tax-Free Childcare or help with childcare costs through Universal Credit.
• After-school clubs or breakfast clubs at school.
• Whether a relative, friend or neighbour could occasionally help with childcare so she could work more hours, if she wanted to.

She can also mind other children if is a SAHM. Good luck!

If you think she’s not coping for whatever reason, could you speak to her ex about your concerns?

I work in education. Absolutely mention to the school, in a spirit of genuine concern. As other posters have said, mentioning to school would be entirely appropriate. Her harassing you (and perhaps other parents) repeatedly for money is taking place on school premises at pickup time. It is also potentially one piece in a wider jigsaw of what could potentially be a safeguarding issue under KCSIE. If she is asking people not close to her for money, that suggests she has already exhausted support from family and close friends. It may well be that she is simply scatty but could equally be a substance or gambling issue, or issues with social boundaries. Either way, her behaviour on school premises is inappropriate.

Sometimes safeguarding issues emerge when many different individuals report matters that separately seem fairly trivial but collectively may form a wider picture of concern.

Several people have suggested that OP tell the woman she can’t afford to lend/give money. That implies that she would if she could, and opens the door to her asking again after payday.

Just say No. No, I’m not going to lend you money, please stop asking. Block number and SM. If she approaches you at school to do anything other than pass the time of day (i.e, if she asks you for money) then say “I’ve told you no and not to ask again.” Then turn and walk away. Every time.

I don't know about involving police, she is annoying but has done nothing illegal.

Other than that, I agree with LVhandbags.

Telling school would achieve nothing and is not nice. They can't do anything.

Just speak plainly to the woman, tell her that constantly asking to borrow money is not on and she has to stop doing it. You have none to spare.

Then leave it.

Message her ONE time.

"Emma, my husband and I are getting really fed up of you constantly asking to borrow money. The answer is no. Consider that the answer now and forever. Stop asking."

If she asks face to face... Blank stare or faint look of annoyed confusion. "We said no." Or, "What part of no wasn't clear to you?"

At least point, you're way past having to be polite.

This is such an odd thing to do I would suspect a drug problem. And I would speak to the school.

Could she be drug/alcohol dependent?

You may have to say no more clearly. As in: "Look, I have repeatedly refused to lend you money but you keep harassing me. Please stop, or I will have to block you.'
Trying to borrow money all the time doesn't necessarily mean her children are short of anything they really need, but if you get the impression they are, you could let the school know.