Is DH being inconsiderate about Valentine’s Day?

[naturesbuds]

I’m feeling a bit thrown today and would love some perspective.
My husband of 17 years asked me this morning, “Have you got anything planned for Valentine’s Day? My sister is inviting us for dinner.”
Now… a few things about this:
His sister is single.
It is Valentine’s Day. Even though we both agree it can feel commercialised, it’s still a day we usually spend together in some way.
Saturdays are normally a family day anyway — we take our son to archery and I was thinking we could make a nice family day of it afterwards.
So I guess what’s bothering me is how casually he asked. It felt like he didn’t stop to consider the day or how it might come across. I’m not expecting roses and candlelight every year, but it would have been nice if he’d thought before saying, “My sister is asking what we’re doing Saturday.”
It just felt a bit inconsiderate and… I don’t know… almost nonchalant about a day we’d normally spend together.
Is it right to feel a bit hurt? Or am I reading too much into this?
Would you say anything to him or just let it go?

Oh come on. He didn’t even accept his sister’s invitation. He asked you whether you’d mind doing something on a particular occasion - an occasion you don’t even usually celebrate - and you’re whining about it because he somehow asked too casually? What does that even mean? What was he meant to do? Sit you down for a formal meeting? Sing the question to you in the style of an operatic tenor?

Get a grip and grow up.

He asked nicely. Perhaps he is a little concerned about sis.

Do people actually just wake up and think hmm I haven't had an argument in a while, what can I pick..oh yes he did ask if we could have dinner with his sister on valentines day.
...yes I know we don't celebrate it and realise its a commercial scam but maybe I can have a problem with the 'way' he asked, far too casual for my liking.

I'm so glad I don't have any of this bulshit in my marriage, we just .....get on, talk, offend each other and laugh about it, take the piss out of each other...enjoy each other and realise we aren't here to pussyfoot around wondering what we can create arguments about.
You should try it.

The OP isn’t asking whether the sister was being weird. She’s moaning about her husband, even though he didn’t accept the invitation. He simply asked the OP what she thought and gave her the option. All the OP has to do was say she didn’t want them to go. But instead she’s fixating on him asking the question too casually for her liking.

But he was only repeating to you his sister’s invitation? If you want to do something just for you on Valentines then that’s your reply?

I’d be a bit put out with his question tbh. It would have annoyed me. Surely he should have asked ‘have WE got anything planned for Valentine’s Day or would you like to do anything special on Valentine’s Day? If it’s not something you usually put anytime to, then depending on your answer then say ‘xyz has invited us to dinner, do you fancy this?

He asked as if you were a single person, have YOU plans for Valentine’s Day? I would have been tempted to say well actually yes, I’m off out with my new boyfriend!

Well, if THEY had plans, he’d have been aware of them, surely, unless he regularly has bouts of amnesia. So he asked the OP if she had plans he wasn’t aware of, or if she wanted to accept his sister’s invitation.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're upset about.

Obviously the two of you hadn't discussed specific plans and you expected a casual family dinner (not to go out just the two of you). Why is asking you whether you wanted to have that family dinner with his sister and your DC's aunt so insensitive? How else did you want him to raise the subject?

Are you angry/resentful about something else and looking to pick a fight?

Thank you for your prespective ,It’s not about his sister being single in a negative way even if she had a partner — it just may be the timing, I'll speak to him about it sure all will go smoothly.

I'm sorry, I don't understand what your problem is. Can't you just use your words and say what you said here - I was thinking we could make a nice family day of it as it's Valentine's Day?

Did he even realise Saturday is Valentine's Day? If he's anything like my husband it won't have crossed his mind in the context of an invitation like that. I will put my hand up and say we stopped even noticing Valentine's Day decades ago and just enjoy having special meals as and when we fancy them.

Would you not still be having a family day, just with added family members? This would not bother me at all, but we are very low key about Valentine’s Day.

Why is it up to the wife to know if THEY have plans on Valentine’s Day? Surely the invitation from his sister should have spurred him on to thinking of a plan for Valentines Day that HE could put forward to his wife and then add OR if you’d rather not, we could go to DSis’s for dinner.

The lack of care towards his wife really stood out in his question. Maybe he takes her for granted, who knows. But, no question re valentine’s would have been better than his one.

It’s not up to his wife to know if they have plans. He didn’t; he asked if she did.
Calm down and read the op properly.

Thanks for replying really not trying to pick a fight at all We hadn’t made specific plans, that’s true, but in our house Valentine’s Day (even in a low‑key, family‑day way) is usually something we spend together. So when he asked about going to his sister’s, it felt a bit like the day hadn’t crossed his mind at all not the idea of seeing SIL. But now question raised can say yes or no to plans .

Thank you 90sTrifle you have summed up exactly what I was trying to say. 🤗

But why is the idea that you could all go to have dinner with his sister together inconsiderate? It sounds like the two of you had put the same amount of thought into the day as the other - you both were assuming a low-key family evening. His sister asked about dinner and so he asked you about widening your expected family dinner to include her too.

His approach and question seems perfectly reasonable given the norm you've established as a couple. Would you actually like to change that norm and do something special and romantic for valentines day?

Thanks for resposnding, For me it wasn’t the idea of spending the day with his sister — it was the way it came up. We do usually spend the day together as a family in our own little routine, so when he asked about his sister’s invite without seeming to consider that at all, it just felt a bit thoughtless. Not a huge drama, just one of those moments where you realise you were on slightly different wavelengths which to be fair doesn't happen very often thankfully

😂 Thank you 90s Trifle needed a bit of humour

Thanks — I did say something along those lines to him, but the point for me wasn’t that I’m incapable of speaking up. It was more about being caught off‑guard in the moment, . Will definitely mention this though 😊

I was thinking of changing the norm actually and do an activity on valentine but dinner with SIL is still an there an an option

I think,it’s weird that you are so annoyed that he ‘casually asked’ his own wife if she had any valentines days plans. What wa she supposed to do? Email, spell out in rose petals? It’s a perfectly normal question asked in a perfectly normal way.

The archery thing is just something you are making out of nothing. You were thinking you could make a nice family day of it. Is he furious about that?

“I was hoping we could spend the afternoon together, just the three of us.”

Complete non issue.

Some of these responses are ridiculous and so unnecessarily rude. OP, I totally get where you’re coming from; it’s in the way the question was framed:

“Have you got anything planned for Valentine’s Day? My sister’s invited us over for dinner” = thoughtless as the ‘you’ suggests VDay is a her thing he goes along with and he isn’t arsed and no acknowledgment of the family tradition of spending it together

VS

”Did you want to do anything for Valentine’s Day? My sister’s invited us for dinner in the evening but as we normally do something together, maybe we could go for brunch or something after DS’ archery class and head there later?” = a bit of consideration and not leaving the onus on his wife to suggest something as it’s something he also wants to do.

OP I hope you got a decent reaction when you responded to him and you’re doing something that’ll suit you both.

He was rude, like it's 'her' thing...but also on the other hand can't help thinking maybe he's checking you've not made plans so he can actually take you out (as a family without his sister) if he does suprise you let us know if the site allows you to update us. Next time say it's traditionwe spend it as a family. Good luck