Is DH being inconsiderate about Valentine’s Day?

[naturesbuds]

I’m feeling a bit thrown today and would love some perspective.
My husband of 17 years asked me this morning, “Have you got anything planned for Valentine’s Day? My sister is inviting us for dinner.”
Now… a few things about this:
His sister is single.
It is Valentine’s Day. Even though we both agree it can feel commercialised, it’s still a day we usually spend together in some way.
Saturdays are normally a family day anyway — we take our son to archery and I was thinking we could make a nice family day of it afterwards.
So I guess what’s bothering me is how casually he asked. It felt like he didn’t stop to consider the day or how it might come across. I’m not expecting roses and candlelight every year, but it would have been nice if he’d thought before saying, “My sister is asking what we’re doing Saturday.”
It just felt a bit inconsiderate and… I don’t know… almost nonchalant about a day we’d normally spend together.
Is it right to feel a bit hurt? Or am I reading too much into this?
Would you say anything to him or just let it go?

YABU. He is asking you the question, not telling you that seeing his sister is a fine deal. You can answer yes or no to this. We are having lunch with 2 couples and a single friend. I had not even noticed it was Valentine's weekend until someone commented!

You are making way too big a deal out of this.

Done deal

Let it go.

Op, are you generally feeling like he doesn't make much effort to plan things, do stuff together, be considerate towards you etc? If so, then I can see why him asking whether YOU had planned anything (because he, as usual, couldn't be arsed) would sting. If this is another in a long line of him acting like your housemate then I think you need to have a chat. If this is purely about V day - could you suggest that you have a nice brunch together or something?

I think you are being a bit daft. He's telling you you've been invited to dinner at his sister's and he's reminding you that it's VD before you decide to accept or not. He's basically saying 'If you'd rather not go to dinner at my sister's and do something just the two of us as usual, that's fine.'

He obviously feels that after 17 years together and a family, VD doesn't need to be this big, performative, sacred thing and he's completely right. It's for young lovers, new lovers and people who are mooning over someone who doesn't know they exist, by sending anonymous cards and gifts.

DH and I stopped doing VD within about 5 years of being together and having children. We don't need some contrived, commercialised nonsense as a reason to spend quality time together and buy one abother treats because we appreciate one another every day. Perhaps his sister is finding the thought of VD as a single woman hard, especially if she's recently had some relationship disappointments, and she wants something to do to take her mind off it. Be kind.

Assuming you're an adult, I'd say it's all right and you are overreacting.
Alternatively, spell out to your husband what exactly you wish for, for that day.

he makes a plan without checking would be rude and inconsiderate
but making a suggestion isn’t good enough
? Poor chap!

I'm married and only realised valentine's day was coming up because of this thread

Same. But then I've been married 30+ years and once when the children were little we both forgot our wedding anniversary. Remembered the next day and had a takeaway.

I think you've completely misinterpreted my post.

If you’re spending the day with your kids it’s hardly romantic. Count yourself lucky he actually remembered it’s Valentines Day, there will soon be countless complaints here that it’s been completely overlooked.

I need to stop reading mumsnet. It gets more and weird every day. How on earth is this even a fleeting thought let alone so troubling that it needs the general public's opinion?

That is a bit of a reach you sound bitter about "something"

My married friend asked to meet up on Saturday. I'm single. I checked with her that she meant this Saturday because Valentine's. She said yes. I'm meeting her. Your husband asked you. You can say no.

You’re being daft - H and I still send V cards to each other after donkeys years of marriage but I’d enjoy a night out with SIL cooking - also she might not want to be alone!
Go and have a good time at his sisters and when you get home!!

It’s probably your coffee that’s bitter, helping the OP to identify why she feels upset is not ‘bitter’.

My husband is going the Liverpool game, it’s really not a big deal it’s a commercial day to spend excess money! For something you can get for 1/2 the price the next day

He asked and you had a choice. Not seeing the problem. We're doing family time with lunch with my parents in their 80's and my nephew and his wife in their early 30's (and they will do a 2 hour drive each way) as 14th was the date that worked.

30+ years here too and we have never really celebrated our wedding anniversary. We both struggle to remember the date because our wedding got moved and rebooked due to some logistical issues, so we still have to think twice to remember what day it actually happened in the end.

It always takes us by surprise when we get a Happy Anniversary card or text from family members. 😂

I thought your post was insightful and helpful to OP, rather than the usual posts calling anyone who tries to actually help the OP ‘bitter’.

Good grief. He did ask you nicely and considerately by the sounds of it.

You have a husband who is thinking of his sister (is she asking for company on a day she will find lonely for some reason or just plain forgot it's valentines day?), and asking at the same time if you had any ideas for Valentines Day, he hasn't made any decisions for you in regards to going to hers, he's discussing it with you first. And your potential day would be to spend it with your son as a family day out, that's hardly romantic either, that sounds like an average Saturday.

You sound like you are looking for drama where there absolutely is none whatsoever. Talk to him about your ideas discuss him potentially wanting to see his sister, and then make a decision together!

Just say - yes, I was planning on spending the evening with you watching a movie.
He doesn’t need to know that you weren’t planning anything.
Or just say you don’t want to go to his Sisters.
You can have an opinion

I think you’re digging a bit for offence here.

You’ve currently got nothing planned and don’t usually do much. He’s asking if you’re planning on anything otherwise there’s the option of his sisters. It’s not nonchalant at all it’s just a normal conversation and checking in with you.

he has been considerate and asked rather than assumed based on previous behaviour. if you don’t want to go say that but there’s nothing to be annoyed or upset about. If you want to make fuss of Vday then say that.

You dont like his sister, do you!

You're together, good company, someone else doing the cooking, sounds ok to me. And... he asked you in advance, this was your time to say something, no?

OP, my VDay is being spent moving furniture into storage, so yours sounds ace! 😁