Is DH being inconsiderate about Valentine’s Day?

[naturesbuds]

I’m feeling a bit thrown today and would love some perspective.
My husband of 17 years asked me this morning, “Have you got anything planned for Valentine’s Day? My sister is inviting us for dinner.”
Now… a few things about this:
His sister is single.
It is Valentine’s Day. Even though we both agree it can feel commercialised, it’s still a day we usually spend together in some way.
Saturdays are normally a family day anyway — we take our son to archery and I was thinking we could make a nice family day of it afterwards.
So I guess what’s bothering me is how casually he asked. It felt like he didn’t stop to consider the day or how it might come across. I’m not expecting roses and candlelight every year, but it would have been nice if he’d thought before saying, “My sister is asking what we’re doing Saturday.”
It just felt a bit inconsiderate and… I don’t know… almost nonchalant about a day we’d normally spend together.
Is it right to feel a bit hurt? Or am I reading too much into this?
Would you say anything to him or just let it go?

I was thinking we could make a nice family day of it afterwards.

So why didn't you just say that?

It's valentines we normally spend it together.

If I analysed the way my husband said everything he wouldn't be my husband! You've been married 17 years surely you know how his mind works by now.

I would say that is is actually being very considerate about Valentine's Day as he has asked if you have anything planned and if not then how about meeting his sister. He hasn't gone ahead with saying ok to his sister as he wants to check with you first. Surely that is the very definition of being considerate!

Absolutely not seeing the issue. He asked you if you had plans and if it was ok before accepting the invitation? No idea what he’s meant to have done wrong really!

Blimey, I think you’re being overly touchy. If you don’t want to go, just say, but he’s done nothing wrong.

I guess he didn’t just tell you it was happening, sounds like he hadn’t confirmed with his sister. He was asking you. So I suppose your response should’ve been “oh that’s nice of her but with it being valentines I thought we’d go and have a nice family day after archery. Can we see your sister the weekend after?”
Problem solved.

Is there a massive backstory between you and SIL OP? Did she recently massively offend you or something, or is her house on the slopes of Mordor involving a life altering quest to get to, so that the news of her having invited you to dinner on gasp Valentine's day needed to be broken to you gently and with special ceremony? Because otherwise going to dinner with a close family member on a day you say you wanted to spend with (checks notes) family seems like a complete non-event? And anyway your DH was only asking if you want to go, you can presumably say no, you do have other plans? If you have a normal relationship with SIL and go to dinner there frequently it wouldn't be a big deal to swap to next week, or another day?

I'm not one of those BTW that says it's teenage or silly or immature to want to celebrate Valentine's, we all need a bit of romance and sparkle in our lives, but what I don't really get is that to me if you're going to celebrate at all what you're supposed to be celebrating is adult, romantic love. I don't really get the people who want to turn it into yet another special occasion for/all about their children? Pretty much every other special day is largely child-centred now, Christmas, Easter, Halloween etc. Mother's Day/Father's day also naturally focussed on the kids. But I guess each to their own. Although it does seem a bit odd to me that a normal casual Saturday constitutes a special day that can't possibly be shared outside your nuclear family!

I think you’re reading too much into it. He’s asked just incase as he doesn’t want to say yes or no to his sister straight away.
You have ideas in your mind that you haven’t told him about yet so if you want to do your ideas tell him before the day.

He is being considerate though - he's checking with you if it is a problem before agreeing either way. If you don't normally do anything in particular for Valentines' Day, there's no reason for him to assume that he must automatically decline any invitation.

If you'd planned a "nice family day", then just say that, surely?

Nope, I think what he said was fine, are you looking for an argument, I get the impression that he can’t do right for doing wrong!
I just don’t get some people on here, why be so picky and confrontational about a simple statement.

It wouldn't bother me at all, but I find Valentines Day massively silly. If it bothers you just talk about it with your partner.

I would also think, like others, that it would be nice to spend with single friends or relatives in solidarity - against the the 'smug coupley' messaging that preys on people's insecurities and makes people spend money they don't have.

You’re being ridiculous, sounds like you don’t have concrete plans anyway and not sure what the sister being single has to do with it, would you be ok with it if she was married and asking you over for dinner? Or you’re implying that because she’s single she obviously doesn’t have better plans for V day whereas you do?

So he asked before committing?

the ask was something a that would allow you to do what you normally do on valentines - spend the day together as a family ?

but you don’t like his tone ?

YABU

Oh God, is this another post where the OP posts something unhinged and then disappears...?

So, it's not the fact he asked, but he asked too nonchalantly? Crikey, I am surprised you've lasted 17 years if this is your level of scrutiny 😂

If you want to spend it as a family just say that, however, perhaps his sister would appreciate company on valentines day? Could you plan a day out on Sunday or a meal on Friday just the two of you?

Too nonchalant.... 😂

You would still be spending it together as you have done previously, just with the addition of his sister.

He asked if you had any plans.

You were thinking you could do something as a family. He wasn't to know what you were thinking if you haven't said it out loud.

The only thing I can see that might get my back up in this situation (and depending on what part of my cycle I'm in) is the very specific "have YOU got anything planned for Valentine's Day." I might take umbrage to 'plans' being on me. 😅

That wouldn’t bother me at all. He did consider the fact it’s Valentine’s Day & asked if you’d got anything planned. He gave you the opportunity to say how you feel. I don’t understand what’s he’s done wrong?

Its just another day to us so that wouldn't bother me. But must have been obvious he wasnt taking you out somewhere or had plans. As everywhere will probably be booked by now.
And he may have figured you would not mind if you had also not said you have made any plans .

YANBU. Tell him that Valentine's Day is for couples and that you would prefer to plan something together.

What happens on Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc, is it all left to you to plan or spend it with his mum/dad?

I think you are way overthinking it. He's passing on the invitation for discussion, he's not presuming or expecting anything of you.

I soft see anything wrong. He asked to check before confirming. If it’s a problem to go to his sisters just say you’d rather not this week.

I honestly can't see anything wrong with his question.

OP, if you're married, then Valentine's Day isn't really a "thing"! Just a card for most people.
However, regardless of that, you can either go out for dinner with sister = you will still be together.
Or, you can refuse the invitation and stay at home = you will still be together.
It's a win/win..... I don't see the problem.

We are literally seeing my sister in law Valentine’s days too 😂 I wouldn’t over think it. I’m very much of the mind that altho it’s nice to celebrate and flowers are always appreciated, they would actually mean more on a random day of the year rather than one where it is expected. The same for quality time together.