To ask, think before you judge who is using the disabled loo!

[Highlandcooo]

I often use the disabled toilet, as even though I have a newborn baby and a toddler and I’m in my thirties I also have a stoma which requires more space and access to a sink within a toilet cubicle.

I am so sick of being judged when I’m out for using the disabled toilet! Only today when I was coming out of the toilet with my pram two people made comments about mothers using the disabled toilets and not ‘waiting their turn’. I ignored them but this happens a lot and I’m getting tempted to show them my stoma bag next time! I have a radar key which was legitimately sent to me with my stoma supplies but people presume I’ve bought it so I can use the toilet with the pram.

AIBU to ask you to think first, if you ever judge people for using an accessible toilet?

You don’t understand the definition of disability. Educate yourself and do better.

Exactly. And double buggies don’t fit in normal toilets. I use the disabled with a double buggy and couldn’t give a shit.

Yes show them the stoma bag. When you tell them why you’re using the disabled toilet their faces are a picture, it’s like they’re trying to get up their own arses.

I totally sympathise, OP. My son was born with Hirschsprung's Disease and ahd a stoma at 4 days old, which was reversed, but the condition recurred at age 3 and he had a stoma for a further year at that stage. He was (luckily) a lively and well-grown boy, so I got several experiences of tutting and disapproving looks when we emerged from disabled loos.

It's really infuriating. Why should you have to explain about intimate medical issues to strangers? But some people have very little imagination and are frankly ignorant about so many 'invisible' conditions which require a larger space.

I am assuming you have a stoma, as do I. Going to the loo isn't simple for me, particularly if I need to drain my bag. My routine is wash the floor directly next to the loo with loo paper, lift the lid, protect the inside with loo paper, wash my hands, prepare bits of loo paper to grab, kneel on the floor, drain and mop the bag, wipe the end, sometimes my hands too, reseal the bag, stand up, wash my hands, flush the loo and wash my hands again. If I didn't have a handbasin close I would have to wash my hands in the loo flush.
It's not 'just like opening bowels' at all for some of us.

S/he said they don't have a stoma, which is why the answers are clueless and simplistic

Your reply (thank you) led me to go back and read through the whole thread. I am absolutely astonished by her answers. The other night, in spite of all my precautions, I managed to get poo (a lot) on the side of my friend's roll of toilet paper and was so embarrassed I took the roll home in my handbag. I don't make a big thing about having a stoma but sometimes I find it hard to live with - leaving a wedding party to change my bag as the smell is so foul I couldn't subject the other guests using the loo after me. (Sorry, TMI!) Unfortunately the OP is ignorant of so many aspects of having a stoma; the different types of bags (two or one piece), consistency of output, just how messy it can be or the 'explosive' stoma output mid bag change. Having sat in my bathroom at home with two real professionals who were teaching me the alternative (irrigation) and their care and compassion has been the norm for me, most fortunately.

You are right about all of the challenges. People have no idea what's involved. The OP has a stoma herself. It's another poster who doesn't have a stoma but feels she knows all about it who's posting all the misinformation.

I do see a problem with using it if you don’t actually need to (for whatever reason).

Even if nobody’s waiting, someone with an urgent need to use it might come along while you’re in there. If everyone thought like you then the space would rarely be free

My dear friend has Crohns and when she’s gotta go, she’s gotta go. Stat. It often requires a clean up. She handles her condition with dignity. I am in awe of her.

She Paddington Bears any fucker that says one word with “not all disability is visible”. Some that push their luck have been asked if they’d like a person with pants full of shit walking around the supermarket.

Research appears they don’t.

LizzieLemons · Yesterday 20:36
But emptying a stoma bag is just like opening bowels, poo goes in the toilet you fasten stoma bag, fasten clothes and then go and wash your hands at the sink.
Obviously with a baby and a toddler you would need to use a parent change facility which are often accessible toilets too.

Hmmm. It's really not, having just emptied my child's stoma bag with a fistula.

My son had a fistula with his stoma too. Definitely far from simple!

YANBU at all. Some people are clueless. Unless they can physically see a disability eg a leg in plaster, or being in a wheelchair, or using crutches, people lack the intelligence to realise disabilities are also invisible.

I have IBD and if someone questioned me if I have to use the disabled toilet in an emergency, they best be ready for me to abuse their eardrums. I'm happy to educate, time permitting of course!

I wouldn't use it if I thought I was going to be a long time!

It's perfectly fine. You make a judgment at the time. No one around - I am nipping in there quick.

The way I look at it, people who tut at or judge anyone coming out of a disabled toilet are at a serious disadvantage in life because they're stuck at a very childish level of development where any perception of someone 'pushing in' or skipping ahead genuinely upsets them. It must be very hard to live like that and I have a lot of sympathy for them because their lives must be very frustrating. Also, when they're getting all worked up about toilets they can't deal with things in their life that are important and meaningful so they are likely to get to their deathbed with a lot of regrets. I know a few people like this and their lives are so disappointing. I don't feel annoyed at them, I just thank my lucky stars I'm not like them.

I just don’t think that’s perfectly fine at all 🤷‍♀️

Do you think it’s okay for people who have absolutely no need of disabled toilet facilities (for whatever reason) to go ahead and use them?
Because they can’t be bothered queuing?

Is it okay to use parking spaces in the same way?

Is that what you mean? I’m not sure.

What you think doesn't affect me in any way!

Neither you or anyone else would know I had used it.

If everyone thought and behaved like you I assure you there would be a problem with access to the toilets for those people who really need them.

There will always always always be people who use disabled toilets regardless of whether they meet some definition of needing them or not. There are endless arguments to be made as to what 'needing' a disabled toilet means, which it is impossible to get any sort of consensus on.

My view is, if you're giving more than the briefest passing thought to this issue, in fact if you're getting very angry and worked up about it, or you're actively tutting or commenting when someone comes out of a toilet, without knowing what's going on with them, then you may want to take a hard look at your life and what important things you're avoiding dealing with.

I find older men are the worst culprits. But I'm a middle aged woman & that cohort tend to think we're safe targets to bully..... I love teaching them a lesson about that - "what have women's toilet habits got to do with you? Pervert!" in a loud voice absolutely mortifies them, never fails.

It also bothers me that we live in a society where basic provision of facilities such as functioning toilets that everyone can use is so poor that people actually get angry at people having a wee or a poo. They're not stealing money, or assaulting people, they're literally taking care of a bodily function. What a waste of everyone's energy.

You’re hilarious.

You seem to think people are resentful of the fact people are skipping ahead of them in a queue.

No. People are annoyed that others lack consideration to such a degree that they aren’t respectful of the facilities allocated to others, people who actually need them.

It’s okay to be perturbed when people behave like pricks

To be absolutely clear I am of course not talking about those with hidden disabilities or any sort of need for an accessible loo. I’m talking about those who can’t be bothered waiting, those with no actual need. Like pp.

As other poster has said, it’s not just the disabled loos, it’s parking and priority seating, too.
I had an incident a few years ago- aggressive chemo and preventative surgery (goodbye ovaries, hello medical menopause) left me with musculoskeletal problems. I couldn’t stand on the spot for more than a few minutes or it was painful and sitting caused me to seize up and go stiff. One day I was sat in the priority seat on a busy bus when a woman got on with a buggy, and because I looked able enough when I got on and didn’t move for her I was verbally abused by other bus users.
I ignored them. I needed the seat near the door. It was a shame that I wasn’t getting off till the end of the route or they’d have noticed that when I did I walked like Frankenstein’s monster because I’d gone all stiff.
You just don’t know what issues able looking people might have.

I think this is an interesting point of comparison.

People who "just nip in" to the disabled toilets when they have no accessibility needs at all and are doing it because there's a queue - would you do the same for disabled parking spaces? "Just nip in" because there's an empty space at the time?