To ask, think before you judge who is using the disabled loo!

[Highlandcooo]

I often use the disabled toilet, as even though I have a newborn baby and a toddler and I’m in my thirties I also have a stoma which requires more space and access to a sink within a toilet cubicle.

I am so sick of being judged when I’m out for using the disabled toilet! Only today when I was coming out of the toilet with my pram two people made comments about mothers using the disabled toilets and not ‘waiting their turn’. I ignored them but this happens a lot and I’m getting tempted to show them my stoma bag next time! I have a radar key which was legitimately sent to me with my stoma supplies but people presume I’ve bought it so I can use the toilet with the pram.

AIBU to ask you to think first, if you ever judge people for using an accessible toilet?

My Mum has a stoma bag. It can take her an hour to change herself, more if the bag has burst. She needs so much more room than a normal cubicle, especially if she needs to change her clothes! She has to strip from the waist down, wash herself down, dry herself, clean her stoma( which has to be scrupulously clean because it's an open wound so gets infected easily),which needs a sink and hot running water, apply a new bag then dress herself. Not possible in a cubicle. She actually hardly goes out because she's terrified of it happening.
She would be absolutely delighted if it was as easy as you think it is....

You clearly don't have much experience in stoma care if you believe it is that simple for everyone or even most people who have stomas.

You've also clearly never come across high output stomas/stomas that are incredibly prone to leaking.

I cant believe she came back after all the replies explaining the management of stomas and doubled down!

It's not as simple as just sit, empty and roll it up again. The mouth of the bag needs wiping out, so it is very common to get output on your hands. Opening the door before washing hands means poo contamination. If you need to kneel to avoid it all splashing everywhere, there also needs to be more space. Having a stoma is classed as a disability, so using the disabled loos is an appropriate thing to do, even if you don't need to deal with leaks and bag changes out and about.

To be fair, despite your apparently extensive experience, you are fucking clueless about stomas and it would be best if you shut up now.

Yep I had this when DD was small. I’m physically disabled and it’s not always visible. It’s like they can’t fathom that some people fit into multiple different ‘categories’

I genuinely don’t understand people using having a stoma as an excuse to use accessible toilets.

I’ve had a stoma for nearly 60 years (I’m also a wheelchair user) and in my whole life I’ve never changed my bag in a toilet.

If you are ambulatory and have your changing gear with you it is perfectly possible to change a bag in a standard cubicle and wash your hands afterwards.

If you have had a leak and need to wash your body then you are definitely not going to be doing that in a public loo, you are going home to shower and change!

The whole point and benefit of a bag is that you have the same functionality as a person with “normal” urinary or bowel function. 🤷‍♀️

@DaffodilValley I think it's fair to say though, that everyone is different, and people have different experiences. Some people find changing a stoma more difficult than others. Same message to @LizzieLemons

@Highlandcooo You did nothing wrong. If you feel the need to use the accessible loo, you use it.

.

Why are you explaining stoma bags to people when you don't even have one?

It's only up to the individual person with their stoma bag who can judge if they need the disabled loo, not you.

I've helped people empty them. In the same way anyone with a urinary catheter isnt disabled and doesn't need to use a facility for those with disabilities as urine is emptied into the toilet the same goes for stoma bag contents. Wipe the end with loo roll go wash hands. Or if it isn't an emptying appliance then remove it and clip another on. People whom I know with stomas manage really well in the usual public toilets.

Granted if there is a leak clothes would need changing and in that situation obviously you'd need to go either home or change in an accessible toilet but generally for straightforward emptying then normal cubicles suffice.

Everyone is different though.

My son had a high output stoma. It was a nightmare which is the main reason why it was reversed after 9 months because it made his quality of life worse, not better like it was supposed to.

Daily leaking
Daily bag changes
Complicated setups with various creams and powders and gels to help with sore skin and to minimise leaking

etc etc

I think @LizzieLemons you're missing the point that people may have a stoma as a result of many different conditions, and those conditions have an impact on how straightforward or not a stoma might be to manage. Not everyone is the same and its offensive to suggest that you know better than people with experience of living with stomas who are telling you otherwise.

Clearly some people don't manage well in usual public toilets. It's very odd that you're trying to stomasplain to some people who actually have stomas and are telling you that they manage better in a disabled toilet.

I usually need the disabled facilities for my child, or if the baby change is suitable and private I use that. Get looks for both as at a glance they look no different from other children their age. Had a horrible experience in za za bazaar in Bristol a while back where I had to fight with them over opening the accessible toilet. Three members of staff couldn’t understand why it was inappropriate for me to change a 5 year old on a baby change table out in the open in the ladies toilets. Couldn’t comprehend that it would violate my child’s privacy and dignity. More awareness is needed.

I have an invisible medical condition that is usually manageable, but sometimes means I need a toilet quite urgently. I almost always can queue for the regular toilets, but if it's a massive queue and my timing was off, and the disabled toilet is free I will nip in super quicky to avoid an embarrassing problem. I have absolutely had the urge to explain in great detail to the tutters and note that I'd far rather be in their queue rather than in the disabled toilets but mostly I just resort to glaring.

Anyway - I'd never judge. The toilets are there for use for whoever needs them. I am just fortunate that I typically don't, but I have no idea what's going on with anyone else's body. I hate the nosiness of some people!

Another gripe is when they put the baby change in the disabled loo, which is locked with a radar key. Baffling decision making! Rarer, but does happen.

Yes as I said you have never actually had a stoma yourself. I have.

This.

I also have an invisible disability. My gastrointestinal issues mean I need to use the disabled loo. I would be fuming if someone challenged me because I "don't look disabled".

This shit is all part of the current propaganda stereotyping of disabled people and bullshit classification as "properly disabled" vs "faking it to claim benefits" IMO.

It makes me very cross.

A chronic medical condition that lasts longer than 12 months and has a substantial impact on a person's day to day life is classed as a disability. It's pretty awful if you've worked in healthcare and don't know that. Many people with a stoma or a bowel/bladder condition would meet that criteria, whether they choose to view themselves as disabled or not.

@LizzieLemons I can't believe you're still at it on this thread. You don't have a stoma. Even if you did and it was as simple as you seem to think, you cannot speak for other people. You cannot define their experiences or tell them which toilet to use. You are just wading in on an issue you clearly know very little about.

I have had a stoma since November. I have yet to change it when out and about as currently I rarely go out . I would definitely need to use a disabled toilet. I have 2 sprays I need to use, extra seals to go around the bag, a wound very close to the stoma that hasn't fully healed yet so when I change my bag I have to change that dressing too. I would need the extra space. Some peoples attitudes on here is why I am reluctant to go out in case I need to change my bag .

It really isn't you. My mum was in a wheelchair and going to the loo was so stressful. People shouting through the door, hammering on the door, grabbing the handle and rattling at the door, then when we came out shouting as us for taking too long, and barging past us as we were trying to leave.

And we weren't "too long", just longer than a fully ambulant person which was surely to be expected in a disabled loo!!!

My DD is autistic and highly anxious and will only use a disabled toilet. She finds the sound of hand dryers overwhelming along with other anxieties around toilet use. If there is no disabled toilet she will just hold it to the point of accidents. No one has ever commented on a large teenager walking in and out of a disabled cubicle which is lucky as it might totally knock her confidence to ever use the loo when out and about.

You do understand that you need to clean your hands before using a catheter? It is important to be as hygienic as possible to minimise the chances of introducing bacteria and getting an infection when using a catheter.

I need to clean my hands before and after use. I also need the space to put my equipment out. Due to extensive reconstructive surgery I don't use a catheter in the usual place as I have a mitrofanoff in my belly button, so I use a 40cm long catheter through the channel in my belly button to empty my bladder. When I have issues getting the catheter in, I have to lie on the floor in order to be able to insert it (which is gross in any public toilet and when I went through a period of about 6 months having to do this every time due to a complication with my stoma I barely went out).

I've had sepsis twice due to UTI's. I was medically retired due to my bladder reconstructive surgery and catheter usage.

I'm really not sure you understand the fundamentals of stomas and catheters, and why using a toilet with a self contained sink is so important.

Exactly this. And 😂 'the arse police'!

I have definitely been known to use a disabled toilet if no-one else is waiting. Can't see the problem at all.