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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WWYD? School Incident.

353 replies

ciscowife · 10/02/2026 17:21

DS (13) is a weekly boarder. Last night he texted me “can you come and get me”. I tried to call him a number of times to see what was the matter. I decided to phone the boarding house as this is out of character for him. Was told there had been an incident and he was very upset. Drove to collect him immediately without knowing what had happened. He was in an absolute state when I got there.
He had been dragged into a bedroom by a Y13 and Y10 pinned to the bed, wrapped up in a blanket so he couldn’t move and then threatened with being water boarded, and having various liquids and things shoved in his mouth. Luckily they were interrupted by the lady who was on duty. She knocked on the door and opened it to tell them something, DS shouted for help and managed to get away but he was then chased by them. He tried to run away from the school to get away from them.
The school dealt with it quickly and we had late phone calls with deputy head followed by meetings today. The two boys have been suspended for the rest of this week which basically means they are getting an extended half term break.
We feel that this isn’t acceptable punishment because it could have been an awful outcome. Some friends who are either in boarding/teaching have said that this should be a police matter and the council safeguarding team should be informed.
So WWYD oh wise mums in the net!

OP posts:
TranscendentTiger · 10/02/2026 23:25

neverbeenskiing · 10/02/2026 21:53

School Safeguarding Lead here.

OP, first of all I am so sorry to hear this happened to your son. You have had some sensible advice on this thread but, as with any thread on the topic of safeguarding, there is some well meaning but somewhat misguided and inaccurate stuff as well.

Don't contact the LADO, their remit is to manage allegations against adults who work with children so this is not relevant to them. Also don't contact Ofsted, they don't even inspect Independent schools. Even if it was a state school, it's not necessarily true that a child on child assault would trigger an inspection as some have claimed on here. You need to follow the schools formal complaints process and then if you're not satisfied with the response, escalate to the body who inspects Independent schools.

As for the 4 day suspension, I agree this is not an appropriate consequence but it could just be a starting point. They may be looking to expell the two boys, but expulsion requires the school to collate evidence, investigate and put all the necessary paperwork together, so it is normal to suspend in the first instance to give them time to do this. You would be entirely reasonable to ask for clarification around this though.

You would certainly be within your rights to report this to the Police, both the perpetrators are well over the age of criminal responsibility and what your son has described is potentially a common assault. Lots of people on this thread are shocked that the school haven't involved the Police, but it's actually not usual practice for schools to report child on child assaults that occur on school premises to the Police directly (except in cases of serious sexual assault/rape or where a weapon is brought into school) as it is generally up to the victim/their parent to decide whether they want to report. However, the school should have discussed this with you and personally, if I was handling this incident as DSL, I would certainly be encouraging you to report. The likelihood is that the Police will say they are happy for the school to follow their disciplinary process and take no further action, they are generally reluctant to criminalise young people for incidents like this IME. But that doesn't mean it shouldnt be reported. For all you know, these young men may even have previous involvement with the Police.

As for the "council safeguarding team", if people are referring to Children's Services (commonly known as social services) then I think there is some misunderstanding as to their role. Schools don't report incidents to Children's Services, they refer children. CS would not accept a referral for a child based on a one off incident of assault taking place at school, unless there were additional risks such as abuse/neglect at home or exploitation in the community. Their position would be that school need to follow their internal behaviour and anti-bullying policies (you should be able to find these on the school website) and conduct their own risk assessment to safeguard the children involved. There would be no role for a Social Worker unless there were additional safeguarding concerns relating to any of the children involved.

In your shoes I would want detailed information around supervision and monitoring that happens in the boarding house, such as who is responsible for supervising children in their free time, what are the rules around children entering each other's bedrooms/dormitories and how are these enforced, how often children are checked when they are in their rooms, what arrangements are in place for them to get help from an adult etc and, importantly, whether they are planning to make any changes as a result of this incident. Essentially, you need assurances that if your DS were to return there would be robust supervision, monitoring and reporting arrangements in place to prevent something like this happening again.

I would also expect the school to offer your DS some form of emotional wellbeing support, possibly counselling, due to what he has experienced. If this hasn't been mentioned that would suggest they haven't fully the emotional and psychological impact of this incident on him, which would concern me as a parent.

Personally, in your shoes I don't think I would be happy for my DS to return if the perpetrators were returning.

This is a really sensible post, so I hope the OP manages to read it.

However, as one perpetrator is 18 the police will look at him as an adult and will not necessarily be averse to criminal proceedings if the CPS threshold is met.

You can also make a MASH referral or insist on the school making one for all the boys, including your DS. This helps children's services build a picture of ongoing issues in the boys' lives.

You should 100% involve the police. They are well equipped to support you and your DS and you will also get a referral to victim support which can be helpful.

One of my DC was on the recieving end of a sexually motivated peer on peer assault at a secondary school and I regret not involving the police sooner. Other girls also got assaulted by the same perpetrator, and that could have been stopped if I had acted more forcefully and sooner.

pollyglot · 10/02/2026 23:30

My 13 year old son had his arm broken in a similar incident at a boarding school. Housemaster tried to sort it out. I was all for getting the police involved, but son begged me not to. New protocols were put in place. This was 35 years ago, I should add...should it happen these days, I would have no hesitation.

Scaryscarytimes · 10/02/2026 23:35

WearyAuldWumman · 10/02/2026 22:21

Thank you.

When I was in my first yr in a Scottish state secondary, I was bullied quite badly. One time, a girl wrapped her scarf round my neck from behind and twisted it.
I genuinely thought that I was going to die.

The OP's son must have been terrified.

If this happened in Scotland the school wouldn't be able to do anything beyond one 3-day suspension. Even if the waterboarding had actually happened. Children can't be expelled in Scotland.

Economicsday · 10/02/2026 23:45

Totally agree, the police, Ofstead and the media if they try and down play such a serious assault.
Your poor son.
Unbelievable that this sort of thing is still going on in schools.
My children were privately educated, day pupils, and bullying was taken so seriously.
I cannot even fathom such a serious incident as this.
Good luck.

lanthanum · 10/02/2026 23:47

I sincerely hope that the suspension is "pending investigation" and will become permanent exclusion. And no, not allowing the 18 year old back to take his exams. And yes, police should be informed - because of the risk that they do this to somebody else.

I hope your son recovers okay from the experience. I think if he wants to keep attending the school, they'll have to agree to him becoming a day pupil at this point.

Namechangerage · 10/02/2026 23:57

ciscowife · 10/02/2026 19:31

Wow I’m so so grateful to you all for replying. I find it very hard to know what is too much when it comes to my DC’s and I feel very overwhelmed and stressed about the whole situation.
To answer some questions; the school is not private. DS desperately wanted to move there but there was no space for day pupils but surprise surprise there was space for him if he boarded. So we reluctantly agreed and have been waiting for a day space to become available. He has stopped boarding immediately and will not return to the boarding house, however, he loves the school and wishes to stay. He had an awful time at his previous school and has been so so happy at the current school.
The Y13 is indeed 18. We have had some trouble with the Y10 previously.
many questions you have raised have been questions we want answers to and we plan to go in tomorrow with pages of questions.
keeping DS safe is our number 1 priority here and thank you to those who said well done to him for knowing to call us immediately.
We really appreciate all of your thoughts! Xx

Why are you not seeming to want to report to the police? Especially if it was an 18 year old…. Am I missing something?

Psychologymam · 10/02/2026 23:57

This is horrific. Please don’t send your child back and please get him support. I can’t imagine the trauma he has already experienced and this is going to be compounded if you don’t protect him and put him back into a dangerous situation. The school either can’t or won’t so it’s up to you.

MumWifeOther · 11/02/2026 00:13

ciscowife · 10/02/2026 17:21

DS (13) is a weekly boarder. Last night he texted me “can you come and get me”. I tried to call him a number of times to see what was the matter. I decided to phone the boarding house as this is out of character for him. Was told there had been an incident and he was very upset. Drove to collect him immediately without knowing what had happened. He was in an absolute state when I got there.
He had been dragged into a bedroom by a Y13 and Y10 pinned to the bed, wrapped up in a blanket so he couldn’t move and then threatened with being water boarded, and having various liquids and things shoved in his mouth. Luckily they were interrupted by the lady who was on duty. She knocked on the door and opened it to tell them something, DS shouted for help and managed to get away but he was then chased by them. He tried to run away from the school to get away from them.
The school dealt with it quickly and we had late phone calls with deputy head followed by meetings today. The two boys have been suspended for the rest of this week which basically means they are getting an extended half term break.
We feel that this isn’t acceptable punishment because it could have been an awful outcome. Some friends who are either in boarding/teaching have said that this should be a police matter and the council safeguarding team should be informed.
So WWYD oh wise mums in the net!

My son would never step even a toe back into a place this happened.

KnittyNell · 11/02/2026 00:16

Keep your boy at home, send him to day school and look after him.

WearyAuldWumman · 11/02/2026 00:16

Scaryscarytimes · 10/02/2026 23:35

If this happened in Scotland the school wouldn't be able to do anything beyond one 3-day suspension. Even if the waterboarding had actually happened. Children can't be expelled in Scotland.

Unfortunately, that's about right - unless the police bring charges (and nowadays they do their utmost to 'leave it in the hands of the school'). The usual scenario here is that - at best - there's a whole-school transfer to another school in the same Local Authority.

I used to be a teacher. The only time that I can recall a child being removed completely was in the case of a pupil who had to be placed in secure accommodation because they attempted to set someone on fire. (This didn't happen in the school.)

I can't speak for the entire country, but in my time as a teacher it became nearly impossible to have a child placed in an off-campus unit. Latterly, it only happened if the child was 'known to the police'.

I can recall one violent child being transferred to us at the request of the parent. On lunchtime - off school premises - the child broke another pupil's nose. The police attended but only spoke to the miscreant since they were under the age of 16.

I've detailed elsewhere on these boards the story of how I was injured by a teenage boy, only to be told that the the police had lost the paperwork - though still somehow managed to refer the boy to SACRO.

I'm hoping that the OP might be able to get a more robust response if she's elsewhere in the UK.

JustCabbaggeLooking · 11/02/2026 00:51

Namechangerage · 10/02/2026 23:57

Why are you not seeming to want to report to the police? Especially if it was an 18 year old…. Am I missing something?

I know! It's unbelievable.

JustCabbaggeLooking · 11/02/2026 00:52

MumWifeOther · 11/02/2026 00:13

My son would never step even a toe back into a place this happened.

Nor mine!

bendmeoverbackwards · 11/02/2026 00:57

dapsnotplimsolls · 10/02/2026 19:49

I suspect they'll put the Y13 on early study leave.

Bollocks to that. He should be expelled and not allowed to sit his A levels. Plus they should withdraw his university reference.

pocketpairs · 11/02/2026 01:35

This is a traumatic experience, but the root cause is boarding school.

k1233 · 11/02/2026 02:35

If the school doesn't expel - suspension is unacceptable for the nature of the assault - then report to police. The school should only have one option for this sort of behaviour. It would quickly stamp it out.

Secondly insist on day attendance only as the school have failed their duty of care to keep your child safe. He may be seen as responsible for any negative consequences for the perpetrators which could leave him at risk of future harm or bullying, especially if there overnight.

Allatsea1980s · 11/02/2026 05:58

I worked in boarding schools for a number of years. What happened to your son was awful and would have certainly resulted in suspension and potentially expulsion in all the schools I worked at. I bet they will put the year 13 on early study leave. Remember, these parents have money and have invested a huge amount - they won’t take an expulsion three months before a-levels lying down.

there is a reason I left boarding schools and now work in day - it’s this. While there are so many great things about boarding, and lots of students thrive, incidents like this are more common than you think. When the doors are shut and the housemaster has gone to bed, all sorts of stuff goes on that is hardly ever reported because of the culture of omertà in a boarding house.

OP at the very least I would change your son to being a day pupil.

Allatsea1980s · 11/02/2026 05:59

Ps report to police. The school wil panic.

wineosaurusrex · 11/02/2026 06:59

I am shocked you would even ve happy with the school dealing with this - even if they dealt with it properly ie expelled the students, that would be insufficient. I would go straight to the police and be VERY serious and dramatic about it, taking it as far as physically possible.

wineosaurusrex · 11/02/2026 07:02

Namechangerage · 10/02/2026 23:57

Why are you not seeming to want to report to the police? Especially if it was an 18 year old…. Am I missing something?

This - not reporting to the police would be a huge failure to protect your son. Kids sadistic enough to attempt to waterboard a child will probably not care much about a suspension - it might just make them more angry and they will probably try and get him again later, as revenge. To go to the police is to help avoid this risk.

Sadza · 11/02/2026 07:07

This is awful. Unfortunately I think this type of bullying is sometimes common in boarding schools. The schools attitude is disturbing.

MyNextDoorNeighbourVotesReform · 11/02/2026 07:21

Namechangerage · 10/02/2026 23:57

Why are you not seeming to want to report to the police? Especially if it was an 18 year old…. Am I missing something?

I wondered this, too. Very strange. And any sanctions the school put in place won't stop the bullies. The police might stop them

Think about other children as well as your son, @ciscowife

gorgeousgecko · 11/02/2026 07:29

Allatsea1980s · 11/02/2026 05:58

I worked in boarding schools for a number of years. What happened to your son was awful and would have certainly resulted in suspension and potentially expulsion in all the schools I worked at. I bet they will put the year 13 on early study leave. Remember, these parents have money and have invested a huge amount - they won’t take an expulsion three months before a-levels lying down.

there is a reason I left boarding schools and now work in day - it’s this. While there are so many great things about boarding, and lots of students thrive, incidents like this are more common than you think. When the doors are shut and the housemaster has gone to bed, all sorts of stuff goes on that is hardly ever reported because of the culture of omertà in a boarding house.

OP at the very least I would change your son to being a day pupil.

It's the same on residentials. The stuff that's going on in the rooms even with the most sensible kids is showing.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 11/02/2026 07:34

This is appalling. I hope you call the police ASAP.

Achingtoomuch · 11/02/2026 07:39

Police and specialist help for your son. Horrific and I would be concerned there was more to/intended from the assault. The attackers chasing him after being interrupted by staff indicates impunity. From the outside it sounds like they may have done it before (to others) and expected to get away with it. There really needs to be a specialist investigation, including electronic devices.

Well done to your son in calling for help and calling you.

jetlag92 · 11/02/2026 07:42

I would absolutely be calling the police.