Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

He landed on his feet with you @Curlywurly92 !

Does he at least work?

Oh god, get rid of these cuckoos. He needs to find his own place for his DD.

Does your partner live with you full time?
Does he contribute financially at all?

Did he have a place when you met him?
Does he work?
Does he pay you rent and contribute fairly towards all household expenses?

jesus, where did he live before? was he homeless when you met? As @Cheekycoffee has said he really has landed on his feet. It is only working out for him, what are you getting from this relationship. it sounds like a load of stress and not alot else

This give me 30 days and in writing too - he needs to get his own place

Why doesn’t he have his own place?
Why didn’t he want overnights with his very young child and had to be forced into it by his ex?
Why are you being pushed around in your own house?

You're dating a man who’s a parent. If you don’t want to accommodate his child you should split up. No idea what his ex is doing wrong or why you’re blaming her for your bloke being unwilling and unable to house himself and his child.

Stop being a doormat. He’s treating you like one because you let him.

Your big mistake was allowing this man to move in. He saw you coming, didn't he?

You need to tell him to go and get your place back to how you want it.

Do you want the relationship to continue? If not then you need to tell him a time frame to leave that suits you. He can rent somewhere else it’s not your problem.

Yes he works for a family member of mine, has a company car, had all courses paid good salary but he doesnt really enjoy the work, but he does contribute rent maybe just under half the amount of what it costs to run the house? Obviously he doesnt pay my mortgage, be he covers mostyl utilitiy biils

How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?
Being blunt OP you get rid of him. Your home, your life - you don’t have to put up with this shit. He’s massively taking the piss.

Yes he does live with me full time -Yes he works for a family member of mine, has a company car, had all courses paid good salary but he doesnt really enjoy the work, but he does contribute rent maybe just under half the amount of what it costs to run the house? Obviously he doesnt pay my mortgage, be he covers mostyl utilitiy biils

How often is his child over?

No he was at his parents, as he had broken up with the BM-Yes he works for a family member of mine, has a company car, had all courses paid good salary but he doesnt really enjoy the work, but he does contribute rent maybe just under half the amount of what it costs to run the house? Obviously he doesnt pay my mortgage, be he covers mostyl utilitiy biils

I get where you're coming from, and I think it's a valid point. But here's the thing: it’s not just about not wanting to accommodate his child—it's more about the boundaries and the way things have been handled. He doesn't have his own place yet because of a complicated situation with his ex, and it feels like he’s been forced into decisions without fully considering my perspective. I’m not blaming his ex, but it’s a complicated dynamic with the lack of communication and consistency, and I’m just trying to find a balance that works for everyone.

Yes, I do, but I don't think I should be the primary provider of accommodation for his daughter. I shouldn't be expected to give up a room in my house for her when she only stays every other weekend.

Nobody more in love than a man who needs an address.
Tell him the situation isn't working for you anymore and he has a month to make alternative arrangements..
Jeez stop sacrificing your own happiness and likely mh to appease a free loader..

it feels like he’s been forced into decisions without fully considering my perspective

Poor didums.

Love that there is zero accountability being laid at his door by you. Its his evil ex(how?!) He is some room victim in this while commandeering your space.
Back in reality - He is an active participant in this.

And yes to this
Nobody more in love than a man who needs an address.

He earns well - if you dont like it... he needs to move out and rent a 2 bed.

either that or you talk to him and agree a way forward and adequate provision is made in your home for his child. (Her own room is fair/ a minimum)

Joining the chorus… get him out of your house and your life…

He comes as a package with his daughter, his ex, an ongoing custody and contact battle, lack of boundaries, lack of funds (is he actually homeless?) - is he really your prince among men?

Also and this is not to put guilt on you because she is not your responsibility. But please have a sense of urgency - make a clean break now before you become another adult who has let down that child.

Well he’s going to have his child EOW

So understandably if you don’t want this - then it needs to end

That simple really.

I shouldn't be expected to give up a room in my house for her when she only stays every other weekend.

You are right, tell him this, it is not unkind or mean.
Relocating himself back to his parents house is the obvious solution.

You carry on dating, if you wish. No co habiting until things are properly sorted.

I'm a bit confused if you have 2 spare rooms and she has taken over 1 of them, or 1 spare room that she is using. How much stuff does she have there?

What would you actually like to happen with the rooms and the stuff and the space?

Is living with you temporary or longer term? If longer term then it's his home too and I'd expect that he should have a say in what rooms are used for but not a say in decorating, maintenance etc. But it should be a joint decision. I'm not clear if you want something to change with the use of the rooms, or just to be consulted in decisions since its your house?

If you want things to continue then I would get separate storage for your stuff and your SD’s and put all her stuff away so you can use the room for yourself for two weeks when she’s not there. So that she is staying in the spare room when she comes over, rather than you using her room when she’s not there. You don’t say how old she is now, but I would’ve thought she brings clothes and things with her? Did your partner actually discuss things with you or did he just tell you

lol op. I’m sorry but your predicament is absolutely ridiculous and it’s kinda mad how you’ve managed to twist this to be the exes fault rather than your partners. I actually laughed out loud when I got to ‘she was forced in to a car and hated coming to us’ when she was 3 as if that’s the exes fault rather than your partners! That is batshit.

the answer is absolutely obvious. He moves back out to wherever he was before.

but just for the record - this is not the exes fault whatsoever. She tried to facilitate a tiny bit of time for father and daughter, and the fact that she hated it is entirely down to your partner. It is also not the fault of his dd, of course she thinks a bedroom is hers where her own father lives!!

there is one person who has caused all this mess - and that’s your bloke.

and, yes, he saw you coming. He’s obviously just using you for your home, I’m not sure how much clearer that would need to be.

Perhaps you shouldn’t be with someone who has a child?

Surely some good communication and some good imagination could work the space issue out?

It sounds to me you’re pulling rank because you own the property.

Do you rely on his financial contributions? Could you both afford to live apart?