Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

Poor kid in the middle of it.

If your partner lives with you, and he has a child, there should be a welcoming space for the child to stay in when she visits.

If you don’t want to give up a room in your house for the child, your partner needs to leave because you aren’t cut out for this.

The child wi know how much she’s resented and that’s very sad.

mutual respect from who?

his ex doesn't even respect him and the have a contentious/negative relationship. its not really to do with you and its unlikely you can change that. if you dont like it end the relationship.

if you want the guest room to remain a guest room, you ned to have an actual discussion with your BF. if he doesn't like it then you need to decide what you want.
everything is under your control, you only have control over your behaviour nd what you put up with. how man times will you keep on, or will you just end it.

i don't think someone who has a child is the right person for you. as you have 2 guest rooms and feel aggrieved that your bf is letting his child decorate one of them. why would you let him move in? what if he ends up with sole custody? what if you only end up with 1 guest room?

your need and values are not aligned.

What is OP?

You have completely misread the situation. Do you really think he is at fault? No, he isn't. How is it his responsibility if the BM gets incredibly drunk with their child in a bar? Like I said, he had her from Monday to Friday monring. On Friday evening, it was the BM took the child out with her and got hammered. It was the mother who was trying to shift the blame. It was also the mother who had child services called on her as she was the one in charge of her at the time and was found lying on the bathroom floor.

It's actually not shaped by your partner’s kids or ex. It's shaped by your partner. This is all on him - it's not their fault.

but when the mum illegally took her out of the country i sold the bed and relcaimed the room back. So far its the same, and now the kid is back trying to reclaim the room.

I really don't think step parenthood is for you long term OP and I feel very sorry for 'the kid' caught in the middle of this.

I don't think you were thinking straight. You don't want the child and they come as a package.
End this before the child becomes attached.

So , you have given him a house to live in (and his daughter) and one of your family members has given him a job? He really has fallen on his feet meeting you!
I would tell him to go rent somewhere for 6 months to give you both a bit of breathing space. Continue the relationship (if you want) but not live together until the court order / ex drama it under control.
Good lock!

if you live together and share a home, then yes you will be the "primary" provider of accommodation with her dad. she will live where he lives when he is with her. do you expect him to make her sleep somewhere else ?

There is always a welcoming bed and room for her, so don't twist my words. I have accommodated her needs for many years, even for six months after I bought the house, before I had even met my partner. Now, I have accumulated so much stuff and nowhere to put it, as my partner needs the room for his daughter, who doesn’t live there full time. I am meerely stating that I do pay the mortgage and I am effectly housing them both and paying a lot more than he does.

There is always a welcoming bed and room for her, it looks like a 5 * hotel when she comes, she also has her own bathroom-Now, I have accumulated so much stuff and nowhere to put it, as my partner needs the room for his daughter, who doesn’t live there full time. I am meerely stating that I do pay the mortgage and I am effectly housing them both and paying a lot more than he does.

To be honest, I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. If you date a man who is a father then his life will be dictated by his children. At least when he has custody. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

If you aren’t happy setting up as a family home, you will have to have a difficult conversation.

I think you should end things and meet a man who is single and childless. This child of his will be an issue between you through your whole relationship otherwise.

How long have you been together?

then end it and tell him to leave?

thats the only solution, as long as you are together and he lives there she will be staying when he sees her. if he gets custody she will Iive with you the majority of the time. if you don't want that you need to break up and let him have the time to sort himself out before court.

And despite that level of neglect his current court case is for EOW?

poor child appears to have two poor parents in that case.

Thank you- everyone seems to be giving me a hard time when I am literally putting a lot of so called food on my table for my partner and his daughter! When what is my partner provide?

Honestly I would never, ever, ever take on someone else’s child. It is the most thankless job you could ever do without anything in it for you. I would be so absolutely angry to be in your position. You worked hard to buy your own house where you should have your own rules and comfort and you’re being cornered into this situation. His child, his problem to sort out her living arrangements. If he really wants to be with you, he will move out and sort out his own situation and still want a relationship.
it sounds like you don’t even have your own kids, can’t imagine why you would want to do all of this for someone else’s!

what stuff can't you fit for a singular adult in a a 3 bed house?

A parent should be able to provide a home for their child where that child is always welcome and has their own space that is not loaned them under sufferance.
If you don't want your home used in that capacity, which is understandable, then you need to be very clear with your partner, and he should then look for a place of his own where he can home his daughter. I very much doubt he will do that, as he has a cushy number with you, so he'll stay put and continue to push your boundaries so he can use you to provide for his DD what he should be providing.
Then, you will either relax your boundaries because he will make you feel guilty about his DD, or you'll tire of being used and ask him to leave. Personally I'd save time by moving straight to the second one.

But it is his house too. And she's his daughter. It's not his house technically but it is his home and therefore, by extension, it's her home. It sounds as if you didn't really think this through before allowing him to move in. If you loved her and saw her as your stepdaughter for life then you'd not resent her having a room of her own when she's there. The fact that you do tells me you don't see her as a permanent or important fixure in your life, more like a temporary inconvenience.

I don't think you want a relationship with a man who has a child. You might think 'yes, but I really want this man.' But it can't work like that. He comes as a package or not at all. It's okay to not want it. It's a big thing. Huge compromises need to be made. It's not for everyone. But none of this is the little girl's fault and you knew she existed before you chose to get heavily involved.

I think you should ask your partner to move out and make his own arrangements for housing himself and his daughter EOW. I don't think this is the right relationship for you. If you can't find it in your heart to be more accommodating towards this little girl then do them both a favour and cut him loose. It's not going to work out.

@Curlywurly92 I agree with @SplendidUtterly - he needs to sort himself out, get hisnown life and housing in order. Get yourself out of this and try again (if you want; I wouldn’t) only when he has things on an even keel with ex and child.

As soon as you thought you were rid of her you sold her bed and reclaimed the room and now she's back you have an issue with her wanting to use the room again. Fucking hell!

You don't want a man with a child OP. That much is clear.

If he is living with you and contributing, then it is no longer just your house. He should have a say on how the space is used as it is his home too. In those circumstances, his daughter needs a room that is hers. You need to allocate the space for her whether this is every other weekend and school holidays or something else.

If the arrangement is temporary, and you don't want him and his daughter there then tell him. This is clearly not a short term thing though if he has taken over the room, mum has taken her abroad, you have reclaimed it and now they are back.

He needs to accommodate his daughter and if you are not up for that in your house then he needs to move out.

If he is staying why can't the guest room be dual use - so for your mum if she stays but also with wardrobes for some of your clothes an the other room be for his daughter?

OP, so what would like to happen in an ideal world? What are the specific boundaries you are envisioning? I’m not sure it’s clear even after all your updates.

I have a home office that i need for work, I have storage for the house, I have her toys aswell, we dont have built in storage so its a nightmare trying to keep things in order, we also have a treadmill.

@Curlywurly92 you need to end this relationship.

Your DP has a child. If you decide to date a man with a child, you need to make space for them in your life. If you decide to live with a man who has a child, you need to make space for them in your home (irrelevant who pays the mortgage).

Your DP would seem to see this as you living together - he's contributing quite equally to living costs. You seem to see this as letting him live with you - he's renting space off you and this space doesn't include the space he needs for his daughter. Your post screams of all of this being a huge imposition on your space, illustrated by comments of her being 'allowed' to change the duvet cover. This is not blending a family.

Please walk away now - it's in everyone's best interest, including yours