Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

Err no, no it doesn't, its just entitled parents who think dating some means they now need to provide for their child.

"he can pack her things away in plastic tubs in-between her visits.
There's no issues with that
Your things stay in the bedroom she uses and she's told not to touch them ."

Don't forget to put money aside each month for the therapy she'll need when she's older, too.

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I fully appreciate your viewport OP and the resentment associated with the compromises you have to make.
However, you fell in love with a man with a very young child who is in an extremely vulnerable position.
Her wellbeing needs to be the priority and if you can't accommodate her living with you every other week (in your home where your partner /her father is living), then you need to be honest with him. Otherwise, resentment will grow to the detriment of all

I've never used ChatGPT, but is the title of the thread ChatGPT, too? The capitalization is weird for a thread on here; it's like a book or movie title.

Maybe I’m misunderstanding, you have your bedroom, a bedroom that is now a walk in wardrobe and the guest room.

You moved your BF in and naturally you would need to accommodate the child and their belongings and they are using the guest room.

What exactly are you opposing? What is the father and child doing that is upsetting you?

It sounds complicated, OP. You come across as feeling under seige in your own home. On top of this, you’ve got major concerns about the mother. Yes, your partner may be nice to you and helpful in the house but you don’t feel comfortable about the situation. His daughter will be with you in your house every other weekend. You’ll have to accommodate her and help your partner spend family time together in your house.

Do you really want this? Could you see yourself doing this happily for the next few years? If not, what would the ideal situation be for you?

What are you on about? I get that you own the house but you invited your partner to move in so it's his home. Do you expect that he doesn't have his child to visit or stay? Did it never occur to you that he comes with a child?

Can you not store your things in the other spare room? Are you a hoarder or something if 2 bedrooms aren't enough space for your stuff?

Its reasonable that a child has a room in Dad's house.
The issue, is that Dad's house is only your house, not his.
So either, he moves out, has his own place and therefore his child has a room
Or
Your house is shared and equally your partners home. If that means him paying more to live with you, and then you seeing it as also his home, or you getting a different place that's equally both of yours (buying or renting together) is something to look at together, what works for both of you. He is a parent , so he needs a room for his child. You need an office, a guest room, and apparently a dressing room as well.

I think the op doesn’t want the daughter, happy to have the partner but not that he has a child. It sound the classic deluded he’s got the “ crazy ex” you know it’s all the ex fault….

I think the reason people are criticising you and/or your "partner" is that you were not clear about what was agreed with your "partner" when he moved in. I'm sorry I've put partner in speech marks, but from your attitude towards the situation it sounds like you view him as more of a boyfriend than a life partner?

If you see him in your space as a temporary thing, with him (and her) effectively staying with you while he sorts out his own situation, that is fine. But it's not clear if you've agreed that and he's overstepping, or if he thinks you're a full on blended family now and it's his home (if not his actual house) too.

To be fair you have asked how to put boundaries in place and said that you're overwhelmed, so maybe that is your way of acknowledging you might not have been clear with him?

I think if you agreed it was a temporary thing while he got sorted, you need to remind him of that and say you are not willing to compromise on certain things in your home. And mean it - you have to be willing to put your foot down, revert things to how you want them and also willing to ask him to leave.

If he moved in without that specified, it is not too late to make your feelings known.

If you don't know how to state a boundary check out Nedra Glover Tawaab's books.

Yes, because expecting not to be told in her own home which bedroom the child is to have is exactly the same thing as expecting her to sleep on the floor. 🙄

Knew it wouldn't take long for the 'you knew' brigade to start mouthing off without bothering to read the OP properly.

You sound completely selfish and really shouldn't be with someone who has a child. You talk about 'sacrificing' your space and comfort - jeez, this is a child who has been through a lot, the least she's could have is a space to call her own once a fortnight. You have TWO spare rooms for goodness sake!
And you also say you're 'welcoming' - you don't sound welcoming at all, you sound resentful.

Every adult in this child’s life sounds awful. Poor kid.

Precisely this!

i think you need to tell your partner that living together doesn’t seem to be working for you, and ask him to move out. He needs to find a place where he can have his daughter over to stay regularly.

Other posters are probably calling you cruel for not wanting to gain an instant family, but you shouldn’t feel bad that it simply doesn’t suit you. Not everyone is cut out for step-parenting. And it seems you’ve been steamrollered into it!

Your partner has to prioritise his child, but it sounds like he is giving away something that you feel that isn't his to give away.

The child will always feel like a guest in her fathers house which is not good for a child to feel.

Your partner needs to find his own accomodation.

But she didn’t agree to this or plan for it. She bought a house to live in alone. Then he moved in after only a short while, didn’t appear to have discussed fully this would mean “instant family” with OP (and the parent bringing a step parent into their child’s life is the one with the duty to ensure this is going to work!) and that she would be expected to give up her space in her house.

OP tell him now that living together isn’t working for you. He can go back to his parents /find his own home. You can still date but not at your house.

@Curlywurly92

I think you aren't considering the totality of the situation and the possibilities of the future.

You say his ex is violent and has your address. She also appears to have an alcohol problem. Why would you want to have to deal with this?

You say she used to 'dump' the child on DP's parents. Are you prepared for her to 'dump' the child on you and DP if she wants a night out? Or have your schedule interrupted because the ex has decided she wants more time, less time, different time? Talk about your life not being your own!!!

You say your home is not your own because of his child's needs. Why would you want to have to deal with this?

You say there is a nasty court battle over the child. Why would you want to have to deal with this?

Have you considered the very real possibility that at some point this child may end up in your home 50/50, or possibly even full time? Is that something you're ready to deal with? Because then you'll either lose your guest room or your office-cum-storage room completely? Not to mention school runs, homework, time off during school holidays for childcare. And she's not going to stay little forever. Are you ready for the stroppy teen years? To put yourself second? Because he will put her first, as he should.

And in exchange for all that, he's 'nice', is helpful around the house, and pays some of the bills. With money from a job you had to get for him. He's a cocklodger. Everything he 'has' is because you have provided it for him. Home, job, everything. And of course he doesn't want to buy a home! Why should he? He has yours just the way he wants it.

You want to spend the next 10, 20, 30 years dealing with his baggage, go ahead. Or cut your losses now (sunk costs fallacy) and live your life the way you want to live it without all that baggage. I know what I'd choose.

But it’s not that the child would be a guest in her fathers house, it would be the child and the father are both guests in the OPs house, or at least it reads like she thought that’s what she was agreeing to, and has realised belatedly she’s become a step mum and her home has become someone else’s family home, without ever really discussing it.

Wouldn't it be better if your partner took his daughter to his parents when he has her for the weekend. I think she would prefer that to staying with you. It could be a win win situation for both of you.

Exactly.
Thats hos big a desperate mug he sadly thinks she is.
Hd has no intention or interest in buying a house, when he can appropriate hers.
He will pay her the minimum and save as much as possible, until he decides what is best for him.
The OP is just of use to him now.
God help her, she doesn't seem to realise what a convenience she is.
What decent man moves in like that?
One who hasn't an ounce of respect for you and knows you will accept anything.
Poor OP, reads like she will learn this the hard way.

Do you want to live with him or not?

If you do, then you accept that accommodating his dc has to be a reasonable priority as they are a package deal, and she should have a room.

If you don't, he needs to move out!

It isn't reasonable to expect a child not to live with their parent, so you can't reasonably have him and not her.

Personally, I'd prefer to have my house back and him move out.

Am I the only one being massively confused by the story?!

Anyhow, ultimately your partner either lives with you in your house, or he doesn't.
If he does, then you need a room for his daughter. Not a guest room, or a spare room with your clothes in it. There are 2 guest bedrooms in that house, it sounds crazy to me that you couldn't find a way to make 1 available for your step daughter.

If you don't want his daughter at yours, then he needs to move out and get his own place.

Given that he pays rent and you admit yourself that he lives there full time, then this is he primary residence and his home. It's also his daughter home.
If you don't want this, then tell him he needs to move out. But you can't have it both ways.

OP isn't just dating, she has agreed for the childs father to move into her home. He is also financially contributing by giving rent.

Living, or even dating, someone with a child means that you do need to factor in providing for the child. This might be in the form of child maintenance (meaning less money to spend with new partner) or providing a room for when the child stays with her father.

The child ages 6 doesn't know whose house it is or who pays the mortgage or rent. All she will want is a room to call her own when she stays with her father, just like when she stays with her mother. Children with separated parents have 2 bedrooms in both parents homes.

If OP didn't want to provide for this child then she shouldn't be dating and living with someone with a child!