Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

Put him out. He can go back to his parents. Hopefully, while he's there he can save a deposit to accommodate his own child.

I think she needs her own space more than you need to keep old clothes!

That wild, so she cant stay in the guest room, we get all her toys and favourite things out when she comes for the wknd? SO it makes her comfortable? And then when she leaves it all goes away so i can actually use the room? Me? Who lives there full time? You are wild.

You need to tell him to get his own place and prioritise his daughter.

@Curlywurly92 Why are you just arguing with everyone?

At the end of the day, if you don't want your home dominated by your partner and his child and all their stuff (which is absolutely fine) then you need to ask him to move out.

There really is no other way around it.

its not up to him, its up to you? its a relationship not jail.

Then he needs to rent one ASAP. He is using you.

This is the approach I am thinking but there are some horrible people on here that are slating me, i am happy for her to use a room as hers, so all her stuff comes out when she is there and when she leaves, i can use the room again? she is 6?

Why do women move men and their baggage into their homes when they have their own children. You do not need to live together. You can have separate homes and see each other when he's not with his children. You don't need to live in the same house. Tell him to find his own place.

Yep

its so infuriating, then acting like lemmings in their own homes.

It’s your home. You pay the mortgage. You don’t want to share it with his daughter as she is taking over your personal space @Curlywurly92

thats fine

I even get it. I have a 3 bed house and my bedroom. Mini blondes room and then spare room / which I have my stuff in

in if I met someone I would begrudge losing my spare space bedroom

is it 2 beds - so yours and spare room which is your extra room /mum to stay and the daughter every other weekend

or 3. If 3 can’t the spare room also be dd as guessing your mum isn’t going to stay when there daughter does

so you need to decide if this is going to go anywhere and buy a joint home together in years to come

which has enough bedrooms so that his daughter has a room

or not live together

it’s unclear how long you have been together

but he saw you coming. Via you he has

a roof over his head
a place to have his dd
a job via your family
a car via your family

nothing like a homeless man falling in love

People aren't being horrible to you. Many pp have suggested options for you. Mine, as I posted above is that he should rent his own place where he can keep a dedicated room for his daughter.
You do not all have to live together. By doing so he is using you.

TBH it sounds like you don’t really like your DSD and only tolerate her. There is no love or care in your posts towards her. Your partner is contributing towards your home together and naturally wants his daughter/your stepdaughter to feel welcome with a space of their own.

I hope your partner does leave and finds a home of his own for his daughter.

There are so many red flags that you have thrown up that I hope he sees it and leaves for the sake of his daughter, their future together and his own peace of mind.

Next time don’t get into a relationship with someone who already has children.

Given your updates about her Mother’s drinking, I think that your partner needs to apply for primary custody of his daughter, not EOW. He needs to protect her.

That won’t work for you so I think he needs to move out and get his own place. You can still date, but living together isn’t going to work.

I am carrying all this alone, he doesn't have to comprimise anything or sacrifice or pay for his accomodation??!!!!!

He doesn't have to compromise became doesn’t need to.
He doesn't sacrifice anything because he doesn't need to.

He has a place to live where his DC can also stay, he's fine with that.

He's also fine knowing that all this bothers you yet does nothing about it.

He earns, as you say good money he could rent a place of his own, even a one bed as he doesn't seem to have his DC often and by the sounds of it sporadically at that.....But he's fine not doing that, because he doesn't need to.

You need to either accept the situation as a whole or ask him to leave and go back to his parents, I'm sure they'll not turn him away and decide if you want to restart the relationship again knowing what you're about to walk into.

You have choices.
Put your foot down from the onset and wait a longer period for him to move in or walk away and have you sanctuary back to how it was before.

He's using you. And you're letting him. Your boundaries are not unreasonable and if was a decent person, with the slightest consideration for you, they wouldn't need to be set.

Accept that your choice is to spend the rest of your life with a self-centred user, or end it.

Tell him he's to only keep the minimum amount of child's things as you need the room for storing toyr things, aa it's not working you having no space. You need to use the room when she's not there to make life easier. OR. He needs to go.

The saying that I wouldn’t be moving in anyone while mini blondes is young

not sure I want to live with anyone again / been married twice and I like my own space

whose idea was it to move in to yours ?

why can’t he rent his own place

This thread is a bit confusing but basically:

If you and your partner are officially living together and he is paying half the outgoings on your property, then yes he's entitled to have a room for his daughter who will be staying every other weekend. She's not a 'guest' so shouldn't be in the spare room. This is her home.

If you're not officially living together and you don't want to share your space with your partner's child, you need to tell him to move out and get a two-bed flat. That will probably end the relationship but that's your choice.

It doesn't sound like you actually want the kid in your life, just her dad.

@Curlywurly92

You are being a complete mug.

This man saw you coming. You got him a job and you've given him your house effectively.

That poor child has two useless parents who between them can't offer her any stability. He's not a good father. A good father would be able to stand on his own two feet, get his own place and make sure his DD has a calm safe space if her mother is so chaotic. Not trying to shoehorn her into his new girlfriend's house.

I'm going to ask a sensitive question but was there are overlap in your relationship and the one with his ex?

You fling around mutual respect and blended families but having a room that is hers for EOW is perfectly reasonable respectful request

you aren’t ready for this this relationship isn’t for you

Sounds like you want him but not his baggage which you should have thought of before. You can’t expect his child not to have a room when he is officially living there.

The only way you get out of this is by ending the relationship and he finds somewhere else to live. Next time don’t date men with children.

"He is incredibly kind consistent and reliable—someone I can truly trust. Not only does he treat me with kindness, but he’s also proactive around the house.

So your partner pays half of bills excluding the mortgage but wants to dictate what you use the rooms for? You are happy for the child to stay and make the spare room nice for her, but he wants her to have a permanent room? That would mean you putting your wfh set-up, treadmill etc into your spare room, yes? Even though she only stays once a fortnight? And it’s then too crowded in the spare room to use anything?

two options here. One, your partner moves the desk, treadmill etc every single turnaround before and after, so you use your room as an office/gym when she’s not there but it looks like hers. He does this without moaning.
Two, he pays half the mortgage costs, half bills, and buys all food for his daughter, and then she keeps the room permanently. He can’t have both.

is this a quote from something?