Struggling with Boundaries and Space in My Home with My Partner’s Ex and Daughter Involved

[Curlywurly92]

Hi all,
I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, and I could use some advice. I’m in a relationship, but I’m facing some real challenges when it comes to boundaries and my space at home.
I bought my house before I got together with my partner, and I pay the mortgage myself. Since I moved in, my partner wasn’t really in the picture at the time, but now that we’ve been together for a while, things have shifted, especially with his daughter and the ongoing drama with his ex.
Here’s where things get tricky: I’m happy for my partner’s daughter to have her own space when she’s here, so I said she can use the guest bedroom, change the duvet whatever, However, I feel like everything is being shaped around her needs now, even though she’s due to be there every other wknd pending a court applciation. The bigger issue is this extra bedroom, which I had used for my things—wardrobes, personal items, you name it. My partner when he first moved in started using it for his daughter’s stuff, and I feel like my space is just being taken over, and told her it was her bedroom. I never decorated it because I let him decide how it should be arranged for her, and now I’m left feeling like I don’t have any room for myself.
When my partner’s daughter first started staying with us, it was forced by her mum. We live far away, and when she was about 3, she was forced into a car for a 40-minute drive around 7 pm. It just doesn’t feel like a good situation all around.She hated coming.
On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place. So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter. I feel like I’m the one making all the sacrifices, and my home has become a battleground when I just wanted it to be a place for me to feel comfortable.
Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

Oh so now I'm bad?

On top of that, my partner doesn’t have his own place.

Well, obviously.

😂

How soon into the relationship did you meet the daughter? Was he working for family member before you started the relationship?

EOW isn’t very much, would you be prepared to have her more?

He moved in with his parents following a breakup to get back on his feet while searching for a new home. Since then, we have faced immense stress due to a high-intensity custody battle. His ex-partner is frequently aggressive towards me and previously relied on his parents for childcare when he had her monday-friday . However, this stopped after a New Year's Eve incident where the child had to call for help because the mother was found incapacitated on the floor. Following that rescue, she has blocked all contact between the child and her father’s family.

You aren't bad, but I suspect you've rolled over with your partner's shameless exploitation of you and abducation of his responsibility because you think it is the good thing to do and is morally desirable, but it isn't and it's not. You are not bad, but nor would you be bad to get rid of this cuckoo. He and his ex must provide for their daughter.

Lucky guy. A lovely lady took him in and now he has his feet under the table.

It doesn’t sound like a relationship with this man is right for you.
he comes with an ex and a child.
btw a 40 minute car ride is fine, her having her own room is ideal in a blended “family” but I don’t sense your viewing yourself as a family.

So, now it feels like all the pressure is on me to make the living situation work, including the constant worry about the court order related to his ex and his daughter.

Why would you be "constantly worrying" about a court order between your partner and his ex regarding their child?

We dated for about 3 to 4 months before I met her, and then she started staying over. No, he didn't work for my family when I met him; they offered him courses to imoprove his skills and earn more money- himself since he was working in retail at that time, long hours.

This. You can't have a relationship where a father lives with you and NOT accommodate his child. You can choose one of the three options:

He lives elsewhere and you date.
He lives with you and his daughter has a room.
You don't date.

Pick the least worst.

Because she is aggressive and has found out my address, and she has a history of violence.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation where your space has been completely shaped by your partner’s kids or ex? How did you set boundaries? How do you handle it when your partner doesn’t have their own home, and you’re the one paying the mortgage but feeling like it’s not really YOUR space anymore?

Being blunt, you end it. Because for as long as you are together, your house will also be their house. And it's not YOUR space anymore.

It's fine to admit that's not for you (I get it, as a step-parent it can be hard) but there's no other way around it. You are with a man with a child and so it is his and his child's home too.

Plainly, things aren't working out for you as they are, and the house isn't big enough to accommodate what you see as your needs (a guest room and a dressing room) and your DP's child's needs.

You do have choices:

• keep one bedroom as your dressing room; and the other becomes the child's room whilst also doubling as guest room when the child isn't with you
• store your clothes in your bedroom and free up that room for the child
• tell your DP he has to have his own accommodation where he can see his daughter (I have to say I don't like this option very much - it will drastically change your relationship)
• buy a bigger house together - would that be an option for you? Or maybe consider an extension / loft conversion?

Once again op, it is absolutely amazing how you manage to take something that is entirely your partners fault, and twist it to being the mothers. Are you so desperate for this man that you cannot see it?

it appears that what you’ve written there is actually ‘when my partner was due to have his daughter, he palmed her off on his parents. But they got so drunk they couldn’t look after her properly, so her mum stopped her coming.’ OF COURSE she blooming well did!! It is insane that you/he have twisted that as some kind of evil ex!!

you moved in and had her staying in less that 6 months? no wonder you feel blindsided. its all a bit fast. Why such a rush?

The only way to solve this is for him move out and you to live separately. are you willing to do that? you can't really want him living with you but not expecting to have his child staying where he lives.

A blended family isn't just about giving up a room its about mutual respect, and she does have her own room. I just have to use it as a multi guest room, as A blended family isn't just about giving up a room; it's about mutual respect. She does have her own room, but I need to use it as a multi-guest room since we often have other people staying with us as well. Fortunately, we can transform the space quite easily.obviously we have other people stay aswell. We can transform it , very easily. I was talking aobut boundries and the fact i have to sacrifice the things i want to do in my home.

This. You knew he had a child. If you were really into them both you wouldn't mind.
Where is she expected to sleep on the floor.

Poor girl she could do with some kindness from you if your having a relationship with her dad.
Those saying get another house. How is he meant to afford that and how would that help anyway.

Just end the relationship. You don't want a man and who has a child.

Sorry to state the obvious, but all this should have been hashed out before he moved in.
Now you have a difficult situation to resolve rather than stopping it from happening in the first place.
I suggest you sit down with him, explain how you’re feeling, and see if things can be addressed now, after the fact.
If they can’t, he’ll have to move back in with his parents and you either start over, or end the relationship.

She started staying over 3 or 4 months into your relationship?

How fast did this dude move in with you?

It really sounds like you've got a cocklodger and his child. But, you knew at some point he'd have his daughter, so if that didn't work for you, you should have said no to him moving in.

And your family is job training him?

Girl. You're being used.

What are the boundaries you’re not feeling are being respected @Curlywurly92?

what’s your ideal wishes in this.

You seem to both say it’s fine for her to use the guest room, but equally seem pissed Off that she is trying to “claim” it.

The way you worded your partner not having a place of his own was very weird - of course he doesn’t when he pays half the bills to live with you. You made him sound like a total cocklodger when he doesn’t have another place because you live together, you just understandably keep the mortgage clear to keep ownership clear.

He has a child. That child needs a space to sleep. You need to work out if you want to live with t that situation and if not you need to tell him.

Either he lives with you and his child needs a permanent room. Or he moves out.

I cant quite understand op do you want him to move in and never actually care for his child?

I feel very sorry for this child.